LS posterDis movie suck more den Grover’s aunt Tildy at a Shriner’s convention.

Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket.  To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle.  But not dis guy.  He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND.  HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh, and he a snake man.

CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way.  You, you, and you go dat way.”  You, you, and you?  You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?

Inside building, armed thugs everywhere.  Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment.  He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley.  Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother.  Me tink.

"Shteve, Jamie's in trouble!"
“Shteve, Jamie’s in trouble!”

SWAT team, led by Lee Majors, move in.  Dey sneak up on bad guy guards and strangle and break deir necks.  Why bother incapacitating when murdering dem so much easier?  CUT TO: dead security guards everywhere.  On de floor.  In a chair.  Coming up de eskalator.  Wait. What?  Either security guy killed twenty seconds earlier or dis be world’s LONGEST eskalator ride!

SWAT team Ghost Squad get into shootout.  Kill bad guys, den manage to sneak up behind other bad guys who, apparently, suffering from inner ear infektions and not hear all dat gunfire.  BUT – Snake Man not so easy to sneak up on.  AND, like most Snake Men, he know kung fu.  He beat up our hero, Daniel, and eskape to a waiting van.

Uh…way to secure de perimeter, SWAT Ghost Squad.  Snake Man blow up building – or facsimile thereof.  Dem be some bad visual effekts!

FLASHBACK to years earlier where scientist be working on synthetik skin graft.  Like most brilliant scientists, he test it on himself first – burning his arm over bunsen burner and slapping on de synthetik skin graft.  Unfortunately, it a no go.  Oh well, back to de drawing board – and, presumably, de hospital to get treated for turd degree burns.

It turn out our hero, Daniel, be a friend of scientist and he have bad news.  Politicians in Washington pulling de plug on his research.  He out of money.  And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies.  Well, dat de implikation but it unlikely new coat of skin would have helped much.  Still, scientist so mad he break into lab at night and, after caressing and sweet-talking his lab equipment, accidentally start a fire – and get badly burned.  He enter weird chamber and become…Snake Man!

Lizard Man
Lizard Man

FLASHFORWARD to Present Day (spoiler alert: sadly, no aktual presents. :().  Daniel diskovered alive.  In rubble of 20+ story building(?!).  He rushed to hospital in extended multi-cut sekwence punctuated by slo-mo shots of ambulance driving.  Bad news: his pelvis and legs be crushed.  Good news: Convenient experimental treatment will have him up and around in no time.  Even better newz: Ghost Squad caught one of Snake Man’s thugs.

Dat night, Snake Man and his crew show up and shoot hospital staff. Dey sneak up on cops guarding prisoner (who be obviously suffering from same inner ear infektion as bad guys several scenes earlier) and kill dem.  Snake Man be partikularly OTT, snapping necks, strutting around and shooting people two-gun style.  It as if John Woo’s less talented younger brother made a movie and cast Gorn from de original Star Trek in de lead.

Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.
Mr. Gorn be ready for his close-up.

For good measure, Snake Man ratchet up radiation in hero-Daniel’s room.  Uh, why Daniel getting radiation treatment?  Never mind. Fortunately Daniel manage to hit big red CANCEL RADIATION button by his bed before tings get too uncomfortable.  On de one hand, he suffer near lethal dose of radiation.  On de other hand, near lethal dose of radiation give him super speed!  (Kids, don’t try dis at home).

Whee!  Lookit him go!
Whee! Lookit him go!

Daniel run around super fast and collapse.  Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.

Meanwhile, Snake Man has meeting wit his army at lavish hideout.  He prove very temperamental and end up killing his General.  Dis bring up a couple of questions:

1. If dis guy crazy enuf to kill his own men, why would anybody work for him?

2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army?  Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!

3. How it possible we not even at halfway point of movie?

Daniel decide he need a skintight spandex costume to show off his half-boner, so he visit de local sports shop and pick one up.

Photo and commentary courtesy of
Photo and commentary courtesy of

Cut to: A meeting of scientists in a tiny room.  Lead scientist unveils…a “Mass Ionic Dispersal Device!”.  Other scientists clearly impressed and applaud. Beat.  One pipes up: “What does it do?”  What does it do? Seriously?  Better question: “Hey, why we all standing around in dis room?”.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, Lee Majors reveals dat, luckily, dey put sekret transmitter in prisoner Snake Man sprung from hospital.  Now dey can track de bad guys!  Dis be great – if not for de fakt dat movie clearly established months have passed since hospital attack.  What took ’em so long?  Ghost Squad head off to get de drop on Snake Man and co. – wit sirens BLARING!

Snake Man and his thugs steal Mass Ionic Dispersal Device.  But, before dey can get away, Ghost Squad show up!  Shoot-out! Lightspeed zip onto de scene and, for some reason (mebbe to make it a fair fight) not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man.  So he get his ass kicked.  Snake Man steal device and stroll out to a waiting van where he make his getaway.  Again.  Ghost Squad really need to bone up on deir perimeter-securing.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, team suspekt dere be a mole among dem. How else to explain how Snake Man always one step ahead?  But monster feel need to point out dat Snake Man NOT one step ahead. Ghost Squad could have caught him twice – if dey had SECURED DE PERIMETER!!!

Member of team Ghost Squad captured and forced to give up location of safehouse where Daniel and his girlfriend living.  Snake Man and thugs lay ambush for Daniel who show up – as Lightspeed.  Again, he not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man and, again, Snake Man kick his ass.  Den leave wit Daniel’s girlfriend.  At dis point, monster can’t help but wonder why?  Why bother laying ambush for Daniel if he not going to kill him?  Why not kidnap girlfriend and leave before he get dere?

Lightspeed about to get boned.
Be gentle wit him, Snake Man.

More stoopid shit happen.  Finally, Lightspeed and Ghost Squad get location of Snake Man’s HQ.  Lightspeed show up and told he have one of two choices: save girlfriend wit bomb strapped to her chest, or save millions of people from device dat will make Washington D.C. chilly.  Or super hot.  Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.

Lightspeed use his super speed to run to Washinton leaving –

Snake Man and his brother to walk into next room and rough up girlfriend.  Lightspeed disarm device.  But it not possible for him to race back and save girlfriend in time (In hindsight, he should have just saved girlfriend first to save time but, hey, whatcha gonna do?). Fortunately, Snake Man’s brother chooses dis moment to have sudden crisis of conscience and question whole plan.  Why?  Why de sudden turn?  Duh.  Becuz Lightspeed need convenient delay dat will allow him to get back in time to save his girlfriend.  Snake Man angry and kill his brother.  Den spend next fifteen minutes yelling to himself – conveniently giving Lightspeed plenty of time to get back.

BUT Lee Majors show up and – in movie’s biggest stoopidest twist – it revealed dat HE de mole.

Wait!  WHAT?!

How possible for him to be de mole?  Why it be necessary to kidnap and torture other Ghost Squad member to get location of Daniel’s safe house when dey could have just asked Lee Majors?  If he de mole, why Lee Majors implanted transmitter in Snake Man’s brother?  What de Fudgee-o?

Snake Man shoot and kill Lee Majors becuz he be a spiteful boss, den Lightspeed set Snake Man on fire and kick him out window.

Daniel and his girlfriend go on a picnic.  De End.

Verdikt:  Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.

Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee.  Dat turn out to be a rat turd.  Sorry.

17 thoughts on “December 17, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Lightspeed!

  1. Haven’t seen this movie but by the looks of it, it looks like a movie with no budget, the effects look poor, the costumes/makeup/pretty much everything related to their costumes/looks look dire.

    I bet they must be embarrassed by this movie, I mean it was made in 2006 but looks dated already lol

  2. Hey Joe

    You ever figure out what Akemi was trying to convey to you yesterday?


  3. Wow! Worst review yet! I’m surprised that Cookie didn’t mention that James Bond Jr. was apparently in this dreck. Was he being kind to Mr. Bond by not mentioning it?

  4. @Randomness: I was embarrassed even watching it!

    My reaction to the first scene was just as yours, Cookie. WHY did the guy (his brother) just stand there gawking at the “horror” unfolding before him?

    Yeah, the dead guy on the escalator – did no one in production deduce that the guy would have had to be shot SECONDS before arriving at the top?

    Who was Lee Majors to authorize a highly experimental medical procedure? Shouldn’t that be like, the guy’s family?

    Speaking of whom, was it an accident that Lee Majors was cast in movie about someone that could run really fast?

    Why is the sound so bad in certain scenes? The one with the doctor and Lightspeed after his first high speed run sounds like it was filmed in a public washroom. Oh yes, that’s right. It’s low-budget crap.

    And yes, why would Python’s henchmen ever work for him? He seems to kill them at the slightest whim, so it’s a pretty good bet that working near the guy means your number’s going to come up sooner than later.

    The convenience store robber fell onto the roof of a car off an apparently ONE story building, has an obviously light impact, and seems to die immediately.

    Haha yeah, the “Mass Ionic Dispersion Device” gets great applause and then some woman asks, “So what exactly does it do”. That is some clever writing right there!

    I will say this about these Sci-Fi (or excuse me, SyFy) movies, they sure do like their extras to take shots to the head. SPLAT!

    Python says that the two former friends meeting like this is like some Greek tragedy. Yeah, this thing has “Written by Sophocles” all over it.

    So many lost opportunties. After the guy got his head crushed in the vice (watching this, I can relate), I was SO hoping Python would say something like, “I guess he couldn’t take the pressure.” I should be writing for these movies!!

    Where did Lightspeed learn to do all those ninja flips and kicks? Does the metabolic joy juice give him power to do that, too?

    Did Lightspeed’s girlfriend not just get her neck snapped and is now flying away with Python, AWAKE, seconds later? WTF? Oh, it was all a clever ruse according to Lee! Except, she still seems to be held captive so I guess the neck snapping was… oh, screw it.

    It actually kind of impressed me that the writers thought it through enough to get Python’s brother to have the change of heart delaying the proceedings long enough for Daniel to get back to save the girlfriend. For most of the movie, they didn’t worry about such piddling time-line problems.

    So, yeah. Lee Majors is the mole. How ridiculously stupid.

    OMG, even the ending lands with a resounding thud. Her: “MY Lightspeed!” Him (laughing stupidly): “Hehehhuh”. Credits.

    I realize this movie was actually made for TV by Sci-Fi (before the dumb name change) and therefore was more or less *meant* to be cheesy (it was meant to, right?), but really there are certain standards to at least make it watchable. This thing is replete with crappy/cheesy dialogue, bad edits, poor sound, a stupid plot, and terrible direction.

    I couldn’t pick out many specific examples of the inane, ridiculous, sometimes incomprehensible (thanks, sound guys!) dialogue. To pick certain ones would serve to give the impression that the remaining garbage was not comparatively as bad.

    One thing I will say, in some ways this movie was less disappointing than other movies like the earlier Batman ones and Superman Returns, which could have been great, but never lived up to their potential. This one never aspires to be anything other the utterly shitty movie that it is, and it brilliantly achieves its (non) goal.

    Rat turd, indeed.

  5. “Verdikt: Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.

    Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee. Dat turn out to be a rat turd. Sorry.”

    Lots of laughs. 🙂

  6. “Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.” 😆

    “Daniel run around super fast and collapse. Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.” What? Vodka? Whiskey? Rum?

    “2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army? Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!”

    You already guessed it . . .“He out of money. And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies.” The insurance settlement money came in.

    “Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee.”
    Seems like a waste of a perfectly good chocolate chip.

    Now. Tell me about that Humana Medicare Advantage commercial…

  7. How the hell do these movies ever get made? Hey! SyFi! How about you stop wasting your money on this crap and spend your money on, you know, some actual decent fudging science fiction?

    So many memorable scenes:

    Cop: Don’t worry. We’ve got this place sealed tight.
    Lee Majors: Not for my Ghost Squad.
    Python: I’m just gonna stroll out of the building and hop into this waiting car.


    Lee Majors: We need a prisoner.
    Ghost 1: Roger! *shoots baddie in the head* C’mon, we need to capture someone alive.
    Ghost 2: OK. *breaks baddie’s neck* This one’s dead, let’s move on.


    Doctor: His pelvis and legs are crushed. But we have the technology. We can rebuild him.
    Lee Majors: Do it.
    Doctor: Um. You’re his boss. Should we ask the patient and his family what they want to do?
    Lee Majors: Just do it! I know what I’m talking about!


    Python: Time to steal the Mass Ionic Dispersal Device. Bring along the replica so noone will know we’ve stolen it.
    Henchman: There’s some guards at the front gate.
    Python: Kill them and anyone else you might happen so see along the way.
    Henchman: Oh noes! Ghost Squad!
    Python: No problem, you go over there and get killed while I stroll out of the building and hop into this waiting car.

    I could go on and on. I don’t think there was a single scene in this movie that actually made any sense. From the numerous guards that were ALWAYS looking at the thing they were guarding rather than towards where any threat would come from to Lightspeed himself having to gargle down a cocktail of drugs to make him run faster (nice message for the kids, guys).

    So much crappiness! A single rat turd chocolate chippie feels almost generous.

  8. Joe, I have a few questions…

    1. Are you going to restart the BOTM club, perhaps in the new year?

    2. If so, can we do Dark Matter? (I’m pretty sure we haven’t, though I know you’ve answered questions about it already throughout various blog entries.)

    3. If the BOTM thing is too much, what about a book every other month, or so?

    4. Regarding previous BOTM Q&As, when an author doesn’t get back to you with the answers, does it put you off their work?

    5. Are you reading any comics at the moment?

    As for me, I’ve given up on most, though Uncanny X-Force was great right to the end (Remender’s run is over and the book is changing now). Wolverine and the X-Men by Jason Aaron has also been consistently good, even great. My biggest complaint with comics right now is the emphasis on gore/horror/supernatural, and the killing off of favorite characters. I just don’t get the latter since it discourages me from getting involved in new titles.

    The Elric comic is finished its run, and I’ve switched to trade for the pulpy things I’m reading, like The Shadow and The Spider. That leaves me with just one other monthly – Gambit – which has been fairly good, but as soon as the current arc is done that goes to trade, too, along with Wolverine and the X-Men. Trades are just easier to read and to store. I’m also reading Lord of the Jungle (a Tarzan book, natch), anything Sherlockian, and The Lone Ranger. I have a crush on Tonto. 🙂 …I mean, 😛 . Needless to say, I’ve really pulled away from the superhero books. Most began to feel redundant to me, so I needed something different.

    I’ve also (because of YOU and your mystery query) gone back to my reading roots and started once again indulging in British mysteries. I decided to go first with the Hamish Macbeth series. It’s such a light and easy read – I finished the first book in two days! (I could have finished it in one, if I hadn’t started to read it after midnight. 😛 I guess you could technically say I finished it in one day, with an 7 hour nap in between. 🙂 ) Anyhoo – I really enjoyed the quirky characterizations, especially that of Hamish. Oddly enough, I don’t see Robert Carlyle in my mind as I read (though I did watch the tv series starring our favorite Destiny troublemaker). No, instead I see an older version of the Polish model, Bartek Borowiec…with shorter hair. I believe I’ve plagued your blog with pictures of him before, so I’ll spare you this time. Aren’t I nice and thoughtful? 🙂

    Have a good day, Joe and Akemi! Give the pups smooches and smushes for me!


  9. PS…

    As I sit here watching the Saracens v Gloucester rugby match from way back on the 3rd (I’m a bit behind 😛 ), I just have to say that Gloucester’s fly-half, Billy Twelvetrees, has the BEST cowboy and/or Indian name, EVER! 😀 (It’s certainly better than Saracens’ scrum half Richard Wigglesworth (or Neil de Kock, for that matter), and retired ex-Saracens, Danny Grewcock. I swear, rugby players have the most hilarious names! And the best (or, you could say worst) one of all? NZ All Blacks Andrew Hore, who plays the Hooker position. 😛


  10. You forgot to mention that Lightspeed was played by Sean Connery’s son, Jason!! Also, this lovely piece of dreck was filmed in my home town, Salt Lake City, Utah. It also starred a lot of local actors in minor roles. I first came across the steaming pile on SciFi (SyFy(?!?!?)) when I was flipping through the channels and saw downtown SLC. It’s the worst thing to happen to Salt Lake since the Giant Brine Shrimp! ( Truly bad cinema. Can’t even really be called cinema. Another SyFy classic!

  11. I’ve begun to develop a real affinity for the “SyFy Original Movies” on Saturdays. They are so wonderfully awful, it’s fantastic. I’ll have to look this one up, too. Sounds too bad to miss!

    The most fun part about watching them is yelling at the screen at the actor’s or writer’s stupidity. The hardest part is actually feeling the IQ points being ripped from your skull. There are also the moments of sheer disbelief at what just happened that are strangely enjoyable as well.

    I’m a glutton for mental punishment, I guess. 😉

    -Mike A.

    PS. Thanks for expanding on my idea of reviewing the biggest movie/sci-fi flops! I knew you’d enjoy punishing Cookie further with bad movies! I can’t wait to hear his take on some of these recent piles!

  12. I haven’t seen the movie but I think Cookie’s review is much more interesting. What is the scale for Cookie’s ratings? I think the sugar-free cookies ought to be the negative numbers and the regular cookies positive numbers. Rat turds? I’m not sure where rat turds come in on the scale. Possibly -100 or so? I’d rather have a sugar free cookie than a rat turd.

    P.S. Mr. Gorn looks like a sleeze stack.

  13. Oh dear, that was painfully funny, I feel bad for Cookie. I’m already writing some spicy Snake Man/Daniel slash fiction. DanAke? SnaKiel?

  14. i think this is the result of one of those who wants to be a superhero? reality show things. i wonder if stan lee regrets having his name attached to such stuff?

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