Dis movie as confused as monster at Grover’s bris after me down four shooters, tree oatmeal cookies (de drink, not de cookie), and six oatmeal cookies (de cookies, not de drink).  But me not de only one confused dat night.  Turn out whole party giant misunderstanding. Girlfriend tired of Grover being taken advantage of by telemarketers and aktually ask him to be circumspekt.

Anyway, movie begin wit Elektra killing some guy.  She so good dat even in totally inappropriate sexy red outfit, she able to sneak in, take out guards, and get her man.  Subtle she aint, but why need for subtlety when you have weird unexplained mind powers like ability to see future events, ability to see tings happening somewhere else, and ability to move around really fast and whisper in people’s ears.

Elektra given new assignment by her agent.  She move into cabin on de lake where she meet annoying kid next door and annoying kid’s handsome dad.  Even though she be secret assassin, she have no problem going over to handsome guy’s house for dinner and being all chummy.  Not make much sense but, hey, neither does sexy red outfit.

Elektra contacted by agent and receives assignment.  Turns out her target be…handsome guy.  BUT she not able to go through wit it.  Why not?  Becuz she a big softy – like most successful assassins.

Ah, movie love. So unmotivated and pointless.

BUT it turn out other assassins not so softy and handsome guy’s house attacked by ninjas.  Elektra fight to protect him and, every time she kill off a ninja, he disappear in a puff of green smoke.  Why?  Shaddap. You ask too many qwestions.

Elektra realize handsome guy and annoying kid are in danger, so she bring dem to her agent’s house so she can put HIM in danger.  And, later, killed when ninjas attack his place.

Elektra, handsome guy, and annoying kid on de run.  We find out annoying kid is wanted by secret organization called De Hand becuz…well, dis not really explained.  But dey want her!  Dey want her so bad dat Hand send five super assassins after her.

Worst Pyjama Party Ever

In one of movie’s many ridikulous sekwences, Elektra and co. chased into woods by super assassins.  One super assassin killed when tree lands on him.  Quick on his feet he aint, especially for a ninja.  Another assassin, Typhoid, kiss Elektra and give her disease.  Black leaves fall around dem.  But day is saved by good ninjas.  How monster know dey be good ninjas?  Becuz dey wear white of course!

Snatch dis shoulder from my hand, grasshopper.

Turns out white ninjas led by Elektra’s former master.  Back at master’s school, Elektra learns dat Master gave her assignment to kill handsome guy in order to test her.  Huh?

What me tell you about asking qwestions?!

Elektra return to house she grew up in.  We recognize it from annoying flashback sekwences dat appear throughout dis movie.  In flashbacks, we find out Elektra’s mother killed.  By Devil!  No.  By mysterious ninja!  No.  By leader of de super assassins.  But we not learn dis last fakt until final battle when leader shout: “Now you’ll remember.”  Why? Why now?

Why not you just shaddap and enjoy de movie. Or, well, shaddap anyway.

Careful. Don’t get yer foot all tangled up in de wires.

Elektra ending up killing super assassins, but annoying kid dies. Luckily, among Elektra’s never-explained powers is ability to raise dead people.  Wha-wha-what?!  But dat make absolutely no sense!

Shaddap.  You want movie dat make more sense, go rent Lost Highway.

Dis movie left monster wit a few questions.  Like who De Hand?  What Elektra’s connection to dem?  What’s Elektra’s master’s connection to dem?  Why De Hand killed Elektra’s mother?  What happened to her father?  Why she sometime have ability to see de future?  Why she sometime have de ability to see other places?  Why she only remember dat head assassin responsible for her mom’s death in de final seconds of battle wit him?  What really happened to little girl’s mother?  Why Elektra hired to kill father?  If was a test, what was de test?  Why me forced to watch such crappy movies?  Oh, did monster say me have A FEW questions?  Me mean A LOT!

Verdikt: Guilty of assault – on good taste.  And monster’s brain.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie.

30 thoughts on “October 8, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Elektra!

  1. Oh, man, I saw that movie. Truly horrible. I don’t actually remember if I made it all the way through it. And really, Jennifer Garner was way too cute to be that character. So it’s sort of like they wanted to see how terrible they could make it from the start of the process all the way through.

  2. @Cookie:

    Sorry, Cookie, missed this one too. Too much time in airports (which is where I’m at right now). On the bright side, I got my oven fixed, which was probably a better use of my time than watching this movie. I did see Elektra a long time ago, but mercifully I forgot most of this movie (until now at least 😉 ).

    What’s the next movie? Oh yeah, “Shark Boy and Lava Girl”…looks like it’s time to go book some more travel 😀 .

  3. Cookie, I tried my best to find this movie to watch, but to no avail. I do remember seeing it, but after reading your review I really didn’t remember a thing about it except it was bad. Unfortunate too, because I was looking forward to reviewing this one. Big points for referencing “Lost Highway” – that movie still confounds, although I *think* I may get it. Or maybe that was “Mulholland Drive”. I don’t know.

    Anyway, it’s my last day here in the US (back in Vegas) before heading back home early tomorrow.

  4. I always assumed everyone else got it, because I am usually the lostie. Glad to know I wasn’t the only lost one with this movie. I didn’t get the Grover’s bris thing, but then what did I say? Lost. Lost.

    Also, although no one really cares, I’m glad I can walk again. You never realise how important walking is until you get sick and can’t walk. It makes getting to the bathroom a real dilemma, especially when your bed is close to the ceiling and you have to jump to get on and off it. Legs that work are good.

    Man, that makes me sound old and me not yet at the quarter century mark.

    Take care, everyone. Hope you’re all well and are taking good care of yourselves.

  5. Ah, Cookie, your review reminds me that I only paid this film attention because Colin Cunningham played the agent. Have always channel-flipped away from it after his scenes.

    My verdict: One cookie for for Colin, one for Goran Visnijic (sp?) AKA Handsome Guy (also a Stargate fan), and a half cookie for gorgeous BC scenery for a total of 2.5 out of ten cookies.

  6. I know you get this all the time, because I’ve seen it here. But… alas, I must join the peanut gallery.

    Would you, or someone you can refer me to, be willing to take a look at my script and just give me a general impression/crucial corrections email back on it? I’m finishing up the first draft hopefully by the end of the week. If you would, that would be totes awesome, haha, yes I said “totes.”

  7. @Shawna Buchanan

    I’ve only seen part of the film too, as I missed the beginning. Never bothered to make a point of watching it again either, as it was awful.

    Didn’t Elektra die in Dare Devil anyway? So was this film set before it, or was she also brought back to life? Whichever it was, she couldn’t save this film.

  8. It’s feast or famine, isn’t it Cookie?

    I didn’t see Elektra the first time around, because, well, it looked like a “get a chick into a (red) cat suit flick.” If you pay money for those, they’ll only make more, right? But yes, I know, people still need to work and earn a paycheck. Wish Hollywood held out for more solid stories, or at least lucrative ones. Blockbusters have their redeeming qualities, too.

    Still celebrating the miraculous Colts victory over the Green Bay Packers. What a game! Reggie Wayne made receptions that didn’t look humanly possible. Andrew Luck ran the ball himself a couple times, after being sacked 4 times. Normally I’d have conflicting loyalties. My gene pool is from Wisconsin, and even my late grandmother knew every player’s name and jersey number. This game had so much emotion riding on it. The team came off a bye week, learned their coach was diagnosed with a treatable form of leukemia, faced a highly skilled opponent, and fought for this win for their patriarch, Chuck Pagano, who watched the game from the hospital. He later praised his guys as “the team who refused to lose.” He had told them not to get all emotional, and just go out and do their jobs. Follow the game plan and Sunday would take care of itself. They did, and in so doing, the team was also able to take care of their coach. *tear* 😀

    Oh-h-h, Das? Wherefore art you? Everything, okay? Hopefully, you, Mr. Das, and the fur critters are all right. It’s been a few days… Holler at us, even if to tell us to hush up.

    Joe, I somehow missed the holiday blog. Belated Happy Thanksgiving! How did you and Akemi celebrate?

  9. Gosh I feel so bad and yet so happy that I’ll never have to watch Elektra thanks to Cookie. I seem to be maxxing out on memory like a old flashdrive; what’s good for memory that is also tasty (and preferably surrounded by Vitamin Water?) I can recommend that Cookie cleanse his palate with a little Almodovar, Ken Loach or Mike Leigh before taking on another clunker; how about “Don’t Tempt Me,” a very funny angels versus devils versus gangsters film, with absolutely no flying ninjas.

  10. I heard some country is having an election where the two main party vice-presidential candidates are named Joe and Paul.

    I tried to come up with a more intelligent question than “who was the good guy?”, but I kept getting stupider the harder I thought about it – catch 22. I’m sticking with the original.

  11. Great review Cookie! This is a movie I save for napping and mainly because I don’t mind sleeping through parts of it. However, it’s still a better movie that Shark Boy & Lava Girl.

  12. I forgave all the questions raised by this movie because I assumed that they were comic book canon and therefore if I had read the comic then everything would make sense. Maybe that’s not the case afterall.

    Here, Cookie, let me try to answer your questions the way I understood it:

    Like who De Hand? They’re a big Japanese multi-national corporation (like Toyota and Sony) that hires magic ninjas to do their dirty work (probably like Toyota and Sony). I suspect they specialise in hand creams, moisturisers, cosmetics. That sort of stuff. In true superhero style their magic ninjas are actually scientific accidents as a result of testing new cosmetics on them.

    What Elektra’s connection to dem? Nothing except that she was standing between them and Handsome Guy and Annoying Girl.

    What’s Elektra’s master’s connection to dem? Does he have a connection? I thought he was protecting Elektra, Handsome and Annoying.

    Why De Hand killed Elektra’s mother? Maybe she missed a payment on her new Prius?

    What happened to her father? Don’t you remember that he was killed by Bullseye in Daredevil?

    Why she sometime have ability to see de future? That’s the special power that she was learning from the Master. Maybe it was a side effect of the Master bringing her back from the dead.

    Why she sometime have de ability to see other places? I think she was just seeing other places in the future, perhaps seeing what she would see in the future when she actually got to that place. I don’t remember her seeing other places in real time. Her visions were always of things that she ended up witnessing.

    Why she only remember dat head assassin responsible for her mom’s death in de final seconds of battle wit him? Perhaps she blocked out the memories but the fight brought it all back? She was just a little kid when it happened.

    What really happened to little girl’s mother? Killed by The Hand. Why? Dunno. Collateral damage.

    Why Elektra hired to kill father? Yeah, you got me on that one.

    If was a test, what was de test? That she was the mindless killer she was supposed to be? Or that she was an assassin with a heart? Beats me.

    Why me forced to watch such crappy movies? Sorry Monster, you’ll have to ask Joe about that.

    What’s that? They were supposed to be rhetorical questions? Oh.

  13. Hey, I’ve slept through this movie a few times. Hubby likes it. He watches a lot of such movies with my gentle snoring as a soundtrack.

  14. @For the love of Beckett:

    Congratulations on the Colts win! I wasn’t able to watch (planes and automobiles), but it looked like a good game.

  15. @DP

    No, I don’t anything like that. Although you must have a habit of confusing ian’s on the subject of a farm shop, because i have no idea what you are talking about

  16. No worries, folks. Just very busy, but I’ve been reading!

    Will be back in a day or two!


  17. @Line Noise

    Shows just what a bad movie of Elektra it is that you need to read the comic of Elektra to try to get the answers to the questions it poses, AND still failing to get all the answers!

  18. May I toss “The Debt” onto the pile of films I could not sit through? Even while trapped on two oceanic flights, going and coming, I could not sit through the Debt. It wasn’t the murky sound or time jumping plot; it just doesn’t keep me interested. By contrast I loved “Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy” and “The Lives of Others”, both kept me guessing and hanging onto to the story until the last frame.

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