How can movie about sexy bendy girl who wear leather outfit and carry a whip not be good?  How possible?  Well, why not we run down pros and cons of Catwoman.  Cons: crappy akting, stoopid skript, lame direktion, annoying music, terruble speshul effekts.  Pros: Not longer den 104 minutes.  Hmmmm.  Monster tink we have our answer.

We introduced to main charakter, Patience Philips, who work at Cosmetic Firm for angry boss and his wife.  Patience be very meek, very timid, clumsy, and not very good at climbing out on ledges and onto side of buildings (all dis ridikulously established in first twenty minutes of movie).  One night, she drop by Cosmetic Firm R&D (in dis case, it stand for “rash” and “dopey”) to drop off work and happen to overhear scientist complaining about new cosmetic cream dat cause hideous physikal side effekts.  He suggest company not sell it but boss’s wife overrule him.  Why?  Becuz cream be very addiktive and she see opportunity for company to make lots of money.  How, exacktly, she expect company to make money AND survive inevitable consumer lawsuits and government investigation beats monster.  But dese be questions for de sekwel.

Me surprised to see Mitt Romney play part of evil boss in dis movie.

Bad guys notice Patience and chase her through plant, shooting at her, den flushing her out into ocean along wit super-speshul cosmetic chemikal bath (?).  She mostly dead but brought back to life.  Luckily, cat know artificial respiration!

Cat lifeguard on duty!

Patience go back home and, next morning, wake up and diskover she sleeping on shelf.  Get it?  She a cat!  Dis first of many incredibly stoopid cat-gags.  She hisses.  Dogs bark at her.  She wolf down sushi. She go crazy for catnip.  She go to bar and order “White Russian.  No ice, no vodka, no hold de Kahlua” and bartender hand her de drink: “Cream, straight up.”  “Cat got your tongue?”she say at one point.  In another scene, we find her on her bed, licking cans of cat food.  She turned into a cat!  Get it?!

She suddenly posses cat-like powerz like having great balance, surviving falls, uh, climbing walls, errr, using a whip, and, hmmmm, playing basketball really really well (in a scene dat rival Daredevil/Elektra playground fight as one of cheesiest scenes in superhero movie history).

She show mad cat skills.

She steal motorcycle.  She foil robbery (and steal jeweled necklace to make nails for her cat gloves).  She strut along rooftops.  All de while, incessant crakptakular music play. It be like sitting thru one seemingly endless Toni Braxton video.


She track down bad guy who shoot at her and, after doing sexy whip dance at club (?), she rough him up and he tell her about sekret cosmetic.  She go to R&D lab and diskover scientist dead.  But janitor find HER and she suspekted of murder!

Equally dumb sub-plot involve her romantik relationship wit detektive. Dey go to amusement park where ferris wheel screw up.  Gears spinning out of control!  What to do?!  Detektive climb down from top of ferris wheel and stick wrench in gears to stop dem from turning (apparently, someting absolutely no one else on de ground capable of doing) while, up on ferris wheel, Patience use her cat quickness to save little kid.  Why dis scene important?  It not.  What it add to movie? Absolutely nothing.  It just feel like producers said “Hey, it been long time since someting actiony happen.  Why no have her save kid on ferris wheel?”

Catwoman break into boss’s house and confronted by wife.  She tell her she also suspekt hubby of general badness.  Catwoman confront boss at theater (aka tell him he not very nice), den chased by cops including her detective boyfriend.  Dey fight on CATwalk (me not tink dis accidental) den she lick and kiss his face before getting away.

“Cat got your tongue?” Get it? She a cat!

On another date wit her detective boy, it start to rain and Patience run under awning becuz she hate rain (remember, she a cat!  GET IT?!!!). Dis lead monster to remember dat cats not like water either meaning she probably not shower or bathe in a while.  Dis not bother detective and he go back to her apartment and dey have music video sex during which she scratch his back (did me mention she a cat?  You get it?). But, next morning, he discover jewel, part of her cat glove.  He take glass she used back to de lab and match lipstick DNA on glass to lipstick on cheek where Catwoman kissed him.  For real.  It a 99.9% match!

Catwoman go back to boss’s mention and fine him dead.  It turn out…boss’s wife kill him and frame Catwoman.  Patience arrested and detective confront her in interrogation. She say she innocent but he throw her in jail anyway.

“Boo hoo hoo. Why you not trust me?” “Um, mebbe because you a lying, split personality criminal?”

At dis point, screenwriter muster all his intelligence to come up wit de most brilliant metho of eskape, a method so clever and original me not ever seen it before.  How does Patience eskape from prison?  You ready for it?  She eskape by…squeezing between de bars.  For real!!!

Skinny criminals take note.

She put costume back on and confront boss’s wife who, it turn out, have super powers becuz, uh, de cream disfigure people AND give dem super powers!  How dat for a twist?!  No good?  Did me mention she eskape from prison cell by squeezing thru de bars?  Detective injured and he say to her “I’m sorry.  I should have trusted you all along.”  Of course!  All she did was lie to you about being a criminal.  Why WOULDN’T you trust her?

Cat fight! Get it?

Girl fight!  Cue lame music!  Cue lame dialogue!  Boss’s wife: “It’s over.”  Catwoman: “Guess what?  It’s overtime!”  Catwoman kick boss’s wife out window and she fall to her death.  Den, she tell detective: “I may not be a hero, but I’m certainly not a killer.”  Monster not so sure. Me guess kicking someone out a window to deir death be borderline.

Verdikt: Dis movie a CATastrophe.  Get it it?  She a cat!

Rating: 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

25 thoughts on “September 24, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Catwoman!

  1. Cookie: There’s only one reason to watch CATWOMAN. Peter “Apophis” Williams played one of Benjamin Bratt’s fellow detectives.

  2. I’d accuse Cookie of making this up, but he’d have to work himself into months of sleep deprivation before he could make up something this stinky. Who has that kind of time but someone paid to write the movie?

  3. I’m totally on board for the Incredibles. I must’ve seen it a bahundred times if you stitch together all the snippets I catch when my kids are sort of watching it in their too-bouncy-to-really-be-watching-it-but-if-it-slows-them-down-here-and-there-my-life-is-easier sort of way. A bahundred and eleventy times if you count the number of times I’ve read them the Scholastic publisher’s adaptation of it. They do super awesome adaptations of Disney movies.

  4. Yes, yes, yes, sure Cookie, the movie had all sorts of bad acting, silly linear plotting and logic gaps, but… Halle Berry in a leather cat suit! I mean, come on!

    Anyway, some observations:

    I don’t get how she would know what they were talking about when she stumbled mid-conversation into the lab with the overly large mega face display. (Why would such a large display be necessary, anyway?) And rather than trying to kill her, why not just tell her that if she says anything they’ll sue her into the last century. That would be the usual approach. Gotta move that plot along in whatever forced direction you come up with, I suppose. That girl’s gotta die! So she can be revived by magical cats!

    Speaking of which, I figured that when all the cats gathered after she drowned, they were just there to, I don’t know, chew her ears off or something.

    The movie (and concept) does pose an interesting question – how is it that cats became associated with the occult, and being associated with “evil”. (or in this case just being “bad”, but not TOO bad.) I’m sure there’s lots written about that on the Internet, if I wasn’t too damn lazy to look it up.

    The first thing I thought of when the cat revived her too, was that the cat had some crazy artificial respiration powers. I would have been more amused I suppose, if he would have also started chest compressions.

    I actually thought the crazy, magical cat lady part was pretty well acted.

    Hey wasn’t that Chris Heyerdahl (TODD!!) at the party!!?? Cookie, you have to admit, THAT was awesome.

    Okay, Halle Berry in a leather suit driving a Ducati? The movie gets at least 5 cookies just for that. Speaking of which, Who leaves their key in their Ducati?? Dumbasses – they deserve to have their bike stolen. I just had this image of a Wraith driving a Ducati. I’ll throw that out there for Das’ amusement.

    Oh, and then there was Halle Barry in the leather cat suit. Um… sorry, what were we talking about, again?

    I didn’t get the point of the whole ferris wheel scene either, except to confirm my commitment to NEVER ride on fairground rides because of those types of scenarios. If I ever do though, I suppose know I know all I have to do is climb down (easy, right?) and ram a huge wrench into the gears.

    I had to laugh at the end of the big cat fight where the marble-faced, insensate, bleached-hair murderer gal gets defenestrated and then boyfriend cop guy strolls up JUST as the action ends. Good timing, dude. Totally believable.

    Did I mention that this movie features Halle Berry in a leather cat suit?

  5. Mr. Monster, your catchy catchall catalog of cattiness cat catch-phrases categorically catapulted me into a catastrophic cataclysm catatonic catnap. 🙂

  6. @Cookie on Catwoman:

    Sorry, I missed out Catwoman…too much going on here at Chaos Manor (a Pournelle reference). Maybe I’ll take in Elektra, but no guarantees. On Sharkboy and Lava Girl, sorry but I suffered through that one too many times when the kids were younger.

    @Tam Dixon:

    You’re welcome on the shout out…after all, you recommended the Loveless Cafe, so thanks for that. We enjoyed ourselves (as you can tell from the smiles)!

    @ for the love of Beckett on the runny syrup:

    The reason I like it runny is that it soaks into the biscuit/bread that way. That’s just the way I like it, but you mileage may vary 😉

    I’m planning to get some fresh bread this weekend and try out the preserves I bought. The blackberry preserves tasted just like the preserves my grandmother made (even though she used black raspberries instead of blackberries). I generally like black raspberries better than the blackberries (they’re sweeter), but I can’t always find them.

    Now, if I can find some clotted cream to go with the preserves…


    Are you and your husband still visiting Vancouver next week? Feel free to leave me a comment on my blog if you all want to join up for lunch or dinner.

  7. Oh bugger! I got my viewing schedule all messed up and watched The Incredibles instead of Catwoman. 🙁

    Now the question is, do I watch Catwoman so I can be a Supermovie of the Week Club completist or do I skip it and save my sanity?

  8. Just an FYI, Cookie, Cats cannot climb buildings. They can jump pretty high, but building climbing is Spiderman’s thing. Any building climbing in Catwoman is as fake as Cats doing CPR. Cat breath – bleah!

  9. I just haven’t watched it so I’m not sure what the trigger should be – perhaps a creepy, not cool reference to feline tendencies.

  10. bwahahahaha, of all the writers I have read of the mystery venue, Elizabeth Peters (she actually has a degree in Egyptology btw, and writes also as Barbara Michaels) would be on my top 10 list to NOT recommend to you based on your seeming tastes and requirements. She wrote 2 of the earliest mystery books I ever read– The Jackal’s Head and Her Cousin John. I have also read a lot of her Barbara Michaels books but eventually got rather bored with her work.

  11. Wow, I had no idea this movie was SO bad. How is it not even Selena Kyle? At least give us that much! Sadly, thinking grand scheme, I think Halle Berry would have been a great choice for Catwoman in Dark Knight Rises. Hathaway did alright, but it seemed like she was trying too hard. Catwoman’s mannerisms and speech have a certain flow that Michelle Pfeiffer nailed as she took the better pieces of Julie Newmar and Eartha Kitt’s versions to inspire her role.

    Ah what could’ve been……

    And Mr. M, before I left, they reran Wormhole Xtreme! and I thought it funny how either that day or the next(I can’t remember exactly) you had a blog post that touched on your love for doughnuts. I found it funny anyway.

    I don’t know if I’ll ever get all of the in-jokes in that episode. I think I’m ok with that….. 😉

  12. Now I want to rewatch the Big Bang Theory in which Raj dons the catwoman suit. Yeah, that’s cookie-worthy.

  13. Perhaps slight off (or maybe only slightly on?) topic, check out these superhero movie trailers from “Honest Trailers”. Hi-larious.

  14. @gforce:

    I just wasted 20 minutes watching that (and some of the other “Honest Trailers”)…there goes my time management! 😉

    Thanks, I think?

  15. Hey, Joe’s blog family! Think I could get some positive vibes tomorrow a.m. (Thursday)? Have a meeting with our adoption caseworker. BLEH! I know I mostly lurk and rarely post anything of great importance, but I’d appreciate it. Thanks!

    @ Joe: You’re awesome. Um…yeah, that’s all. 🙂


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