At one point during movie, monster get so enraged he charge into food court and start smashing, stomping, screaming, and trowing Sbarro pizza toppings at frightened children when – Oh, sorry. Dis not scene from movie Hulk. Dis was Cookie Monster’s REACTION to movie Hulk, one of de most tortuously long and plodding superhero movies me have reviewed so far. Ang Lee direkts dis film like a 70’s t.v. show, wit so many cheezy wipes and split screens monster feel like he watching old episode of Streets of San Francisco. Lame dialogue not do much to dispel dis illusion. Only moments it not look like a 70’s t.v. show be during extended CG/visual effects sekwences – when it look like a lame videogame.
So, direkton, skript, and CG be crap. What else you got?
How about: contrived story, stoopid developments, and one giant useless subplot involving skeevy-looking Nick Nolte (playing skeevy-looking father of Hulk) and his dogs.
Movie begin in what look like (appropriately enuf) de 70’s where scientist David Banner (wit cheezy pornstar mustache) do sekret experiments on his son, Bruce. Years later, Bruce grown up and he too is scientist, working wit his hot ex-girlfriend fellow scientist, Betty.
Sorry. Me can accept sekret experiment dat turn human into raging green monster. Me can even accept fakt dat Bruce Banner’s stretchy shirts and socks rip off when he changes into Hulk while non-stretchy pants do not. But me have have major problem accepting a nerd like Bruce Banner have hot ex-girlfriend dat look like Jennifer Connelly.
Movie peppered wit so many bizarre moments, monster would have to make dis a two-part review to cover dem all. For instants, when Betty leaving lab one night and notice creepy-looking new janitor, she ask: “Where’s Benny?” Creepy janitor inform her: “Benny’s dead.” Any normal, non-psycopatik human at dis point would say someting like: “Dat’s terrible.” or “I’m sorry to hear it.” or at least be shocked or saddened by news dat “Benny’s dead”. Instead, she respond: “Pleased to meet you.” Pleased to meet you? Pleased to meet you?!!! Moving on…
Another bizarre moment come when Bruce moping over Betty. He pull out photo of dem together and, suddenly, photo come alive and become window into flashback. In flashback, Betty tell Bruce about someting dat happened to her when she was young – at which point we go into another flashback. A flashback INSIDE a flashback. What de Fudgee-o?
Next day, back in de real world, experiment go awry and Bruce blasted wit nano-mats(?). But he bounce back and in fine shape. In fact, even better shape dan before. It turn out dat nano-metes PLUS experiments dat his father subjected him to changed Bruce. He turn into Hulk and trash lab in scene reminiscent of de most mediocre of video game sekwences.
Despite being incredibly destruktive, Hulk never kill anyone in dis sopomorik movie. At one point, he cause helicopter to crash. Seconds later, pilot radio everyone be a-okay. It like, suddenly, me watching de A-Team t.v. series!
But den, a couple of scenes later, me suddenly watching a low-rent Pixar knock-off when Hulk attacked by mutant dogs (led by hilariously creepy gamma poodle). Hoo boy. And dis movie not even close to over.
More stoopidities abound:
Creepy janitor somehow gets access to trashed lab’s top sekret contents. How? Becuz he works dere. How did he get job? Well, me assume he passed de rigorous screening process. Well, as rigorous a screening process as possible considering de guy travels to and from work wit a pack of dogs.
Bruce put in containment chamber and transforms into hulk. Containment container is breached. How? Does Hulk use his super strength to break it? No. It just spring a leak.
General Thunderbolt Ross order all out attack on Hulk. Hulk smashing tanks. Army shooting at Hulk. It look like it going to be one messy massive climactic battle – until General notice Hulk making googoo eyes at Betty. So he order his troops to stand down and send his daughter in to confront crazy monster alone. Confronted wit Betty, Bruce lose his raging Hulk-on.
De End.
No, wait! Me forgot about useless subplot involving creepy janitor who turn out to be Bruce’s crazy scientist father who used equipment leftover from lab thrashing to transform himself into mutant absorbing man. And so, audience have to sit thru interminable tacked-on extra half hour ending in which Bruce Hulk battle Father Mutant in darkly lit sekwence where impossible to figure out what de hell be going on.
Seriously! Your movie be 138 minutes long! Why dis subplot at all necessary? Lose 20 minute sekwence of father experimenting on Bruce off de top, lose creepy janitor, lose goofy gamma dogs, lose useless second ending and just have accident in lab be cause of Hulk. And voila. Instead of grossly unbearable two and a half hour movie you let wit slightly unbearable 90 minute version!
But Cookie Monster not writer/producer, so what me know?
Verdikt: If dis movie was a frat house, it be Pi Krappa Gamma.
Rating: 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.
Please diskuz!
Next week Supermovie of de Week Club selektion:
I watched this recently, and I thought I had to have missed a bunch because I kept getting distracted. I guess not. That was about it. I will give the movie this: I got a lot of laundry folded and put away.
Good job Cookie! You poor thing. But 138 minutes long!! Good heavens!!! What were they thinking? No, seriously…higher movie ticket prices for a longer movie? Mandatory time requirement by the studio? A no film left on edit room floor clause? Joe you had a television time slot to fill. What could be their excuse?
AnneTeldy: I like Swiss steak too. Sorry though, you lost me at liver. 😉 How are you feeling today?
I’m “trying” to eat veggies only. However, if my memory is correct, just a grilled steak with A-1 was my favorite. I used to make a good pepper streak. My brothers would go nuts over that dish. My hubby likes this restaurant for steak: http://www.texasdebrazil.com/meats
Mr. M.: I’ve always wanted to try making a soufflé. Both of the ones you pictured looked so good. It sounds like you had a good day. Akemi’s happo sai looks mouthwatering good!!!!!
We’ve had an exciting weekend. Remands of Hurricane/Tropical Storm Isaac caused some lightning storms over our house. Even with all those backup batteries/surge suppressors hubby put in, it caused some electrical damage. Lightning must have come in through the cable line, it blew the cable modem, one wireless router and the lines connecting the devices. Hubby’s been working all day getting the cable up and running for work tomorrow (he works at home). Plus, we still have to clean up the tree that fell. After watching the storm damage on the coast, I figure we came out pretty lucky. Anyone else get hit with storms?
Cookie: 2 out of 10? I would have gone with a 5 myself. It was a fun movie, if you can overlook the silliness.
This film is so bad i’ve only managed to sit through it once.
I think cookie is mellowing in his old age. Two out of ten? Surely a megative mark would be more in order.
I pretty much lost it when the film went split screen.
The film is another example of the writers not reading the comics, or thinking they know better than everyone else.
I’m so glad I’ve never seen The Hulk! Thank you, Cookie, for sitting through it for us. 138 minutes?!? That’s crazy!
I was never what you would consider a comic book fan, except for Richie Rich. (Do they even make RR comic books anymore?) That was a lifestyle I wanted: butler/bodyguard, robot maid, tons of money and really nice, down-to-earth friends.
Anne Teldy (who isn’t feeling too bad today, Tam, but could use a full night’s rest 🙂 )
I thought there were major flaws with the second hulk film too, but I guess people were so horrified by this first one that they give it a pass.
The janitor/father subplot is what totally destroyed this movie. They should have just concentrated on one solid origin story.
Wow, it seemed for a while that after the year 2000 or so, that these started to improve a lot. It gave me hope that maybe we had turned a corner in superhero movie quality. WRONG! I do feel kind of more comfortable watching this though. It’s back in the familiar territory of superhero movies that suck donkey balls. Who knew that a movie about a guy that was the definition of unrestrained rage could be so… boring? Not once did I feel remotely engaged in the “story”. Not once did I care about the characters, at least beyond wondering how quickly the movie would end so these annoying people would get off my screen.
I remember watching, or at least starting to watch, this movie when it first came out on video. I never finished watching it. And now I remember why. The dialogue/plot makes no damned sense. It’s like the ransom note school of movie writing, where bits and pieces from unrelated sources are taped together to try to make some kind of coherent whole. Except ransom notes usually make sense. I did feel that 138 minutes were kidnapped from my life, though. I guess there’s no getting those back. The dialogue was like some evil mega-poodle devoured a dictionary and this was the resulting mess that it crapped out over the kitchen floor.
I agree, Cookie, those editors never met an effect wipe that they didn’t like. I felt like I was watching someone’s MovieMaker attempt at chronicling their Summer vacation on YouTube. I half expected a star wipe to show up at any time. Of course, these compete in tedium with the interminable, countless transitional montages, which I swear make up 50% of the movie. I *think* the split screens were supposed to suggest the frames making up a comic book page, but perhaps I’m giving them too much credit.
OMG, the acting. Were they TRYING to overact that much?? Of course, that may have been part of the ham-fisted directing, along with its obnoxiously angled close-ups and lingering shots over… moss?
I actually don’t have any issue with the hot girl falling for the hopeless nerd. That could just be optimism on my part, though. But yeah, why DIDN’T the pants rip? Those things must’ve gotten some freaking tight. Ouch, no wonder he got cranky. I did notice he lost them the second time he transformed, but that was when his hot girlfriend was there so, you know… understandable.
As far as people dying, it’s probably pretty safe to say that those guys in the tank that the Hulk threw about a kilometre away probably didn’t make it. (Or, did they jump out?)
I did enjoy the beautiful scenes of the Southwest near the end of the movie. I recognized some of them from my trip to Arches NP a couple of years ago! Too bad about all that bullshit going on in the foreground, though.
And oh, that ending. I may as well have just turned off the screen for as much as I could see. Granted, that probably would have been good advice for the whole movie. Yeah, I realize that was supposed to be Banner’s final confrontation with his “demons” (aka, his father), but the whole thing was just so stultifyingly stupid as to have no emotional weight whatsoever. It was like, I don’t know, emotional anti-gravity?
Yeah, poor Benny. I guess no one gave a damn about the guy. Wait, how did Benny die again? And, um… who’s Benny?
I didn’t get a chance to watch the Hulk as I was at WorldCon in Chicago for the Hugo Awards and a bunch of very entertaining and educational seminars on Science Fiction and Fantasy.
I met John Scalzi! He was very entertaining, funny and gracious to all the fans. And he’s a heck of an writer, too!
Hey, Anne Teldy! Make some room in the bed for me! (And don’t hog all the covers!) 😉
Home with fever and excruciating pain from another attack of diverticulitis. 🙁 This came on very suddenly last night, and I’m in far more pain now than I was back when I was in hospital nearly 2 years ago with the same thing. No idea why they didn’t admit me this time (other than my white count wasn’t too bad and the fever didn’t start until this afternoon). The pain is horrible – can’t find any real relief and Mr. Das has to help me with everything. This is totally NOT fun, and I think it may scare me so much I will never eat solid food again. Right now jello is like the food of the gods. (At least I’ll lose a few pounds…but this time I’m determined NOT to gain them back! Yeah, let’s see how that goes. 😛 )
das
Mr. M wrote:
I understand the technical term “split screen”, but what is a “wipe”? And why are they “cheezy”? Overuse during the 70’s?
The Curious Anne Teldy
ooh! ooh! I forgot to mention: John Picacio won a Hugo for his art work!
@ das: OMG! I am so sorry for your pain, etc. I hope this attack isn’t long.
As for me, I’m trying to distract myself by asking Mr. M questions. 🙂
Anne Teldy
@das: oh, no! I hope you feel better soon.
@ Anne Teldy and Sparrow – Firstly, thanks! I *think* the pain has subsided a wee bit, so hopefully by tomorrow morning I see noted improvement.
Secondly, asking Joey a lot of questions is a great distractions. Getting him to answer them, however, can be quite a task. 😉
das
I did try to watch the movie. And remembered within minutes why I haven’t bothered to view it in years. I ended up letting it play in the background as i checked my email and knocked out a chapter or four of Abercrombie’s Best
Served Cold. Really could not understand why they mucked up his origins so badly. Tweaking is one thing, but whiskey tango foxtrot… It was like the same people,who do those messed up subtitle translations for Chinese Kung fu flicks had done the same for the movie script. It sorta kinda was English, but made no sense.
After a couple of years of thinking about it, finally bought a crossbow, and a hunting liscence.. Got to start looking up some venison recipes. Still a couple of months before the season opens, but at least I’m ready. Anyways, thanks for posting cookie monster’s insightful review: he pinned most of the points I had thought about. Now, to brace for the changing of the season where the little monsters are back in their holding cells during the bulk of the daylight ours…
This is how I like to think of the Hulk: (Hulk as Totoro) http://jpegy.com/cute/super-cute-avengers-x-my-neighbor-totoro-mash-up-9737
@Das: That sounds terrible! Hope you’re feeling better soon!
I just looked up this movie (Hulk 2003) on RottenTomatoes.com. It got 62%!! W.T.F.?? Rated “Fresh”? A big, steaming pile of fresh crap, maybe. I have lost all faith in movie reviewing. Other than Cookie’s and the good folk on this blog, of course.
This movie was so surreal that I actually couldn’t work out whether I liked it or not, so I’ll go with Cookie’s verdict. I also agree about the Hulk’s final fight with his dad; What the hell was going on? I worked out that Hulk won, but only because Bruce was alive in the film’s final scene. It was just weird.
For the record, Mr. Das loved this movie. 🙂
@ gforce – Thanks! Doing MUCH better today! Pain has eased to ‘discomfort’, and my temperature is down. I was able to sit and pay bills (blargh!), and straighten up the house, and drink lots of broth and eat lots of jello. Speaking of which, it’s time for my mid-afternoon snack! 😀
das
JeffW: I’ve been asking my Nashville friends where their favorite places to eat are: Cantina Laredo in downtown Nashville, Blackstone Brewery in the West End and McCreary’s Pub in Franklin. Still asking though. Nashville has a lot of Muslin immigrants and some of them have opened terrific restaurants. Falafels, curry rice and Baklava are my favorites at those places. One place had this cucumber dish that was so good. I can’t remember what the chef called it but it had minced cucumber with lime juice. We would spread it on fresh pita bread with feta cheese. AND now I’m hungry….
Das: That sounds terrible! I’m glad you’re starting to feel better.
AnneTeldy: Are all the Mr. M. questions helping? 😉 You’re starting to SOUND perky, so they must be.
Tam The Mr. M questions are, indeed, helping.
I don’t know if I’ve actually made it to perky :-), but I’ve made some decisions one of which is “try to focus outward.” I’m trying to post to the blog everyday. Reading it and the comments help me think of other things. I’m also playing around at iTunes and downloading songs. Sunday night I downloaded Christmas music and an album my daddy used to play when I was a kid. It’s called Sandler and Young In Person. The jokes are very dated but I can remember “getting the humor” for the first time. And, of course, the singing is still amazing.
Anne Teldy
Can’t understand why so many superhero movies tank. There are talented people out there. Maybe it’s the risk taken whenever something is made by committee? Hang in there, Cookie Monster!
AnneTeldy and Das — Hate that you guys are going through pain and sleeplessness. It’s awful; I’ve been there. Glad to hear things are better for Das, and praying things improve for AT! Sometimes if I put a microwave/heat pack on whatever hurts, and read in the dark with a book light, that will distract me and knock me out long enough to actually sleep. Hope tonight is better for both of you! Prayers…
Deborah Rose — Did someone say venison? Yum! 🙂 We had venison burgers this weekend. The meat has great flavor, but is on the lean side. We mix it 50/50-ish w/ ground beef, so the burgers hold together, and also used garlic, onions, thyme, and something else. They were really good on the grill. Venison was one of the best going-away gifts I got when changing jobs once. One of the girls was surprised to learn that a city gal liked venison (both my uncles used to hunt). She gave me 5 different cuts of venison, 2 pkgs. each, @ 2 lbs. each. Twenty 20 lbs. of fresh meat, and it was professionally dressed, i.e. not “rank,” and the deer had fed on all the corn they could graze. Wowie, that was amazing eating.
@ Tam Dixon – The worst part of this is reading all the delicious-sounding (or looking) foods that people mention here on Joe’s blog. 😛
Speaking of which, was that cucumber dish made with yogurt (like tzatziki), or just the cukes and lime?
das
@Das: Feel better, kiddo! xoxo
Das: 😳 I didn’t think about the food descriptions and your diet. Sorry but when you feel better I found the name/recipe for the cucumber salad. It was called Shirazi. I had it at an Iraq restaurant in Nashville. It closed last year, the owner was so nice to us. 🙁 Here is a recipe I found that seemed very close. So simple but so good 😉 .
5 Persian cucumbers (or 2 English cucumbers, the idea is to use seedless cucumbers)
4 round tomatoes
1 medium red onion
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
1 tbsp dry mint
1 tbsp oil (optional)
salt & pepper
Das: P. S. All the veggies were chopped fine.
http://badassdigest.com/2012/09/04/the-dark-knight-rises-gets-a-funny-spoilery-cartoon-review/
you might want to see if Cookie Monster can get some sound effects like the one on this link. @ Beckett. Looking forward to experimenting. I’ll probably do some firearms hunting too, so I expect I will bag two or three deer. Unless I get all mushyhearted and don’t pull the trigger. The liscence says I can also go after bear…huh, yeahhhh, crossbow vs. bear. I guess Smokey will be safe even if Bambi isn’t. Meantime, i’m going to try my hand at some tenderloin I just picked up,
G’day Joe
@das – Sorry you are not feeling well. Sounds painfull. Glad you are feeling a tad better though.
As for the Hulk movie, never had any wish to watch that one. Now I know why…It sucks!
I did not watch the movie, I could not watch the show when it was on tv,sorry Bill Bixby….but thanks Cookie for doing the review.
~~das and anneteldy, hope you all feel better..
Little black fart finally sat still for a couple pictures:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/dasNdanger/Boo10.jpg
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v54/dasNdanger/Boo9.jpg
das