Ever have it when you need to write skript for movie, but tings are going slow so you invite Count and Big Bird to your place for drinks but you do too many jagermeister shots and one of girlz Count bring wit him slip roofie into your beer chaser and you wake up next morning wit no pants, no wallet, but finished skript you wrote in drunken, drug-addled, three hour stupor? No? Well, monster suspekt screenwriter of Spawn VERY familiar wit dis scenario – or someting close to it – becuz it next to impossible to write a skript so convoluted in a fully conscious state.
Movie begin wit narrator delivering preamble to help make complikated movie slightly less baffling. Den, we introduced to our hero, Al Simmons, who work for CIA-like agency A-6. Well, not exactly hero becuz he have no problem killing room full of innocent air traffic controllers in very first scene! Anyhoo, anti-hero Al want to quit de biz but his boss, Jason (played by gravely voice Martin Sheen) send him on one final op. Of course, it be a set-up. Boss Jason conspire wit some clown (No, seriously. A real clown) and double-cross Al wit help of sexy assassin Priest. Jason burnt, den blown up for good meazure.
Al wake up in some Gothik city dressed like burn victim hobo. Somehow, he find his way back to his house (#364 bus out of Rat City go right to suburbia!) and make several unpleasant diskoveries: 1. Five years have passed. 2. His best friend get wit his wife. 3. His wife no longer recognize him – and find him kinda gross.
Luckily, he meet up wit some clown (No, seriously. A real clown!) who explain everyting.
Al died, sent to Hell, met BAD CG devil, and agreed to lead his army in exchange for chance to see his wife again. He get new name…SPAWN! Admittedly, cooler den Al.
Spawn want REVENGE! So, like practically every comic book villain in movie history, he crash some high falootin’ party. He shot at. He eskape – but not before killing Priest who says someting like: “You don’t have the guts” before getting shot. Monster’s question is: Why in de world would she tink he WOULDN’T shoot?
Spawn get away. Outside, he get into argument wit some clown (No, seriously. A real clown!) in middle of street in full view of cops who obviously have more important tings to worry about.
At dis point, you can be excused for asking: WTF (What the Fudgee-o?) is going on? What de hell is Spawn supposed to be doing? Leading devil’s army? Okay, so where de army at?
Instead, Spawn diskover new powerz. Learn to control his armor. Go back to Rat City and make new friends: milquetoast guy wit hat and, of course, an adorable street urchin.
Spawn stalk his wife. Follows her to place where she is giving speech. For some reazon, she leaves daughter all alone in gymnasium. Oh, wait. Monster know de reazon. So dat Spawn can find her and have nice chat. Some clown show up (No, seriously. A REAL clown!) dressed up as cheerleader. He prance around and sing. Further undermining any hope dat dis be a movie anyone going to take seriously, clown also fart green gas, pull out and study his skidmark underwear, and eat maggot pizza. Ho ho ho. Screenwriter must have had all sort of fun spinning dese ideas wit his son’s daycare class.
Spawn finally get as tired of dis clown as audience and de two fight. Clown transform into…another BAD CG monster.
Dey fight! Violator win! Dey go back to Spawn’s place. Dey fight some more! Wit help of milquetoast hat man, Spawn take unmemorable trip to Hell, defeat clown/Violator by cutting off his head, AND beat up Jason for good meazure.
Movie end wit narrator summing up what we already know, holding threat of potenshul sekwel over our heads.
VERDICT: Dis one had potenshul to be dark, smart, and creepy but, instead, turn out to be silly, stupid, and confusing. Was clown supposed to be scary? Or intentionally lame?
RATING: 2.5 chocolate chippee cookies.
Next week’s movie – Steel starring noted thespian Shaquille O’Neal: