W posterNoooooooooooooooo!  BIRDSEYE VIEW of monster on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky in anguish while me scream: Nooooooooooooooooo!  DAT pretty much sum up monster’s review of dis movie.  Me know, me know.  Why would monster use such a hackneyed and cliched camera shot to sum up X-Men Origins: Wolverine?  Well, read on…

Noooooooooooo!
Noooooooooooo!

Story begin in mid-19th century where sickly kid named James sprout bone claws and kill gardener (who turn out to be his dad) for killing his dad (who turn out not to be his dad and also not a gardener).  CUT TO CHEESY BIRDS-EYE VIEW of kid on knees, head trown back, staring up at de sky, crying out.  Him and his brother run for it…

x
Blood(y) Brothers

And keep running for it.  In film’s most inspired sekwence, we treated to de two immortal brothers as dey fight, side by side, in WWI, den WWII, den Vietnam, den other clashes.  It made painfully/clumsily obvious dat one brother good, de other bad.  Dey shot by firing squad (immortal too!) – but seem a-okay when military guy, Major William Stryker, pay dem a visit and offer dem a deal.

Brothers (let’s call dem Wolverine and Sabretooth) end up joining team of mutants for special op.  Among de team, fans of Marvel Comics may not rekognize Wade “super ninja” Wilson, aka Deadpool, who turn out to be a pale version of his comic book self…and, eventually, nothing at all like him.  Op leads dem to jungles of South America in search of mystery metal.  Dat where our hero, Wolverine, part ways wit de team – and his angry brother.

Six years later, angry brother kills his old teammate, a carnival hobbit. Why?  Dis never really explained.

Wolverine build new life for himself in de woods wit weird girlfriend who, in one of movie’s most ridikulous scenes, try to seduce him by telling him Native American legend of de Wolverine.  DIS be seksy?  Next day, Stryker show up at his work place and tell him someone killing off de old team members.  Based on de fakt dat one be dead.  Quite de pattern, huh?

Suddenly, Wolverine sense someting.  He find…decapitated wolverine.  ?   And diskover his girlfriend, dead.  Ish.  CUT TO: BIRD’S EYE VIEW of our hero, on his knees, head trown back, screaming.

Nooooooo
Noooooooo!

Boy, dat’s good film making.  Good 1990’s film making.

Wolverine track down his brother Sabretooth, to a…well, it supposed to be a bar but it look more like a garage wit some tables and chairs.  Nice work, locations department!  Brothers fight.  Wolverine get beat up.

x
Always test de temperature of de water before getting in de bath!

Wolverine want revenge!  Stryker offer to make him indestruktible (despite fakt dat he already be pretty damn indestruktible).  He get injekted wit super metal, adamantium, dat coat his skeleton – and, somehow, his claws.  Stryker want to wipe his memory so Wolverine go beast mode and eskape.

Elderly couple diskover him in barn.  And, like most people who come across naked strangers on deir property, dey trust him completely and take him in.

And end up getting killed for it, thus confirming what monster’s grandmother, Grandma Monster, always said: “Nice guys finish dead”.

Stryker blows up barn but movie surprises us wit yet another cheesilicious shot – dis one of our hero racing away while someting explode behind him!

x
Noooooooooooooo!

Damn.  De only ting missing from dis film be requisite shot of our hero walking slowly away as someting else explodes behind him like –

x
Noooooooooooo!

Yeah.  Like dat!

Wolverine try to track down Stryker.  For some reason, he have to box former obese teammate for information.  He track down another mutant, Gambit, who less Remy LeBeau from de comic books and more a steampunk stage magician.

Finally, Wolverine track Stryker down to sekret lab where he be holding a bunch of innocent mutants and….SURPRIZE!- his girlfriend who not really dead AND a mutant!  Shocking, no?  Meh.  Marginally interesting?  Meh.

While Wolverine frees prisoners, he and his brother team up against…Deadpool!

No!  Not Deadpool!  Some stoopid movie version of Deadpool who have sword claws and a bunch of other mutant powers.  What de Fudgee-o?

Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don't make him Deadpool
Just becuz dey call him Deadpool don’t make him Deadpool

Wolverine decapitate him.  Meanwhile, his girlfriend have chance to kill Stryker but she not do it becuz…Yep, you guessed it!…dat would make her no better den him.  Movie also does a great job ham-fisting other cliche beats: brothers’ love/hate relationship, “Me didn’t sign up for dis!” speech, “You’re not an animal – Oh, yes you are!” moment, and “You don’t have to do this” appeal.  Monster not sure, but me even remember a “I’m getting too old for dis” chestnut.

Young Professor X show up as mutant prisoners eskape and offer to help dem.  Really?  AFTER dey eskape?!  Nice timing, baldy!

VERDIKT: Nooooooooooooooo!  Wolverine and Sabretooth brothers? Silver Sable and White Queen Sisters?  And Deadpool…some other charakter entirely?  A movie dat tinks it be A LOT more clever den it aktually be.

RATING: 4.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

36 thoughts on “March 25, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

  1. I actually didn’t mind this movie. Well, the first part of it, anyway. As it played out, the same word kept coming to me as you used, Cookie – cheesy.

    For example, the scene where Logan’s skeleton is injected with the Adamantium. Totally cheeseball as he bursts out of the tank, and before that is the false tension about whether he is dead or not. Um, we’ve all see the X-Men movies. HE DOESN’T DIE! Gah.

    The movie needed more Ryan Reynolds. His deadpan sarcasm always cracks me up.

    And then as you mention, the whole sequence with the old folks who take in the freakish stranger without question. Not only far-fetched, but then the old fella seems to see right through Logan, er Wolverine, and appears to discern all about his plan for revenge. Hey, maybe the old fella was a mutant, too! Seems surviving bullets and rocket launchers was not one of his powers, though.

    Cookie, you failed to mention Wolverine’s run-in with Fred Duke/Fat Bastard, which had me having serious Austin Powers flashbacks. Maybe they were going for that on purpose? Probably not a wise thing, if so. Hated that character.

    Don’t get me started on the “hero walking away from the explosion” thing. Probably the most cliched thing since sliced bread. Or something.

    Argh. Finally, when Logan goes to kill Victor, the very recent damsel in distress then pleads for his life with the old “we’re better than that” bit. Totally reminded me of the last Hulk movie. And once again, if makes no. F’ing. Sense.

    I give it one chocolate chip cookie. But, it’s a giant one that’s exploding as Cookie Monster walks slowly away from it:

    http://outlawmoon.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/cookie-monster.png?w=448&h=412

  2. I think what made this movie so incredibly awful was the director/cinematographer sticking EXACTLY to the visuals from the comic book. I’m pretty sure they recreated every image from the books in painstaking detail no matter how horribly ridiculous. It was pretty bad in its own right but that was throwing gasoline on the fire.

  3. “A large group of talented people put a tremendous amount of effort into making Wolverine as bad as it is. We should applaud them, and then burn all copies.”

    I own this movie on Blu-Ray because I’m a completionist, but it’s easily the worst X-Men film (and I hated X3). Recently I had the chance to show it to a friend who hadn’t seen all the other X-Men films, but not this one. His reaction was basically the quote above.

    There was just so much wrong with the film, which is a shame because it starts so well in that time-jumping opening sequence. Even Wade is perfect in his first scene… and then they make him into whatever that thing was at the end. I refuse to call it ‘Deadpool’.

    Honestly I’m surprised you gave it as many cookies as you did, but then again looking at some of the other worse films you’ve reviewed I can see why.

    Here’s hoping the next X-Men film, simply titled ‘The Wolverine’ to avoid the stigma of an “X-Men Origins” heading, is a lot better. And if not, we’ve got Days of Future Past to look after, with Brian Singer back in the director’s chair with a continuity-fixing sequel to X3 and First Class (which is great).

  4. Oh, almost forgot – adamantium bullets that make you lose your memories? They had to find a way to wipe his memories, but they couldn’t come up with anything beyond that?

  5. I was not as happy with this movie as I wanted to be. I’d rate it a 7 cookie movie, though. I loved Gambit’s brief screentime, and honestly, the biggest problem I had with the film was that they had Wolverine volunteering for the Weapon X program, when he did not volunteer but was forced into it. Oh well…I miss the old Wolvie with his missing memories and shady past. Now that everything’s been exposed it’s taken something away from the character, in the movies and the comic books.

    das

  6. @ gforce wrote – “I give it one chocolate chip cookie. But, it’s a giant one that’s exploding as Cookie Monster walks slowly away from it:”

    😆 😆 Noooooooooooooo! 😆

  7. @ bailey wrote – “Hugh Jackson. Your argument is invalid. (I’ve always wanted to use that….)”

    😆 😆 The comments are funnier than Cookie tonight! 😆

  8. @ HBMC – In the comics, I think it’s a bit different. Not sure if they used carbonadium, or something else…I really need to re-read the Origins series. 😛

    das

  9. @Ponytail – I was going to say that, too, about the comments.

    I feel bad for the comics fans sometimes, with what the movies do to the stories. And it’s hard for the movies not to screw with the worlds they deal with since movie characters are supposed to change their worlds.

  10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine was the screenplay that woke up late one morning,and went to work without getting ready, after getting yelled at by the boss who also woke up late and went to work without getting ready.

  11. By the way Cookie Monster… how does Joe feel about your review of a film that was directed by an actor who was in an episode of a little show that Joe used to work on?

  12. “Hero at Large” was absolutely awful.

    @Ponytail:

    “:lol: 😆 The comments are funnier than Cookie tonight! 😆 ”

    Nooooooooooo!!!
    😉

  13. As usual, I’m in agreement with @gforce. I enjoyed this movie up to a point . . . that point being when Wolverine started fighting Sabretooth in the ‘bar.’

    I guess this movie suffers from the same problem all prequels suffer: we already know who will survive. We know that Wolverine will live (Duh! Even if this wasn’t a prequel we can be pretty confident of that) and we know that Striker will live (even though there was plenty of opportunity to kill him). We don’t know about the other characters but the fact that we never see any of them in the “later” movies means we probably don’t need to care too much about them in this movie.

    As far as this being an action romp with big explosions, fight scenes and action set pieces, we get what we paid for. If we wanted some intelligent superhero melodrama then we came to the wrong cinema.

    Anyway, we may complain about the location scouts/set design for the bar in the Canadian Rockies but when you consider that this movie was actually filmed in Australia and New Zealand I think they did a pretty good job of fooling us into believing they were in North America.

    My biggest WTF moment? Well, let me recount how I imagine the discussion went between the writers:

    Writer 1: “We need a big action packed finale.”

    Writer 2: “We’re set in the 1970s. Did anything interesting happen in the ’70s?”

    1: “Disco?”

    2: “Ummmmm, no. Anything else? Some sort of big disaster that everyone remembers.”

    1: “What about Three Mile Island? Everyone remembers that!”

    2: “You mean the time when a small about of radioactive coolant was accidentally leaked to an unshielded outbuilding because of a stuck valve?”

    1: “No, I mean the one when a massive cooling tower collapsed.”

    2: “Ummmmm, I don’t remember it happening like that.”

    1: “Fuck it! Noone remembers the ’70s properly anyway. Let’s go with a collapsing cooling tower!”

    2: “OK!”

  14. Given the review, 4.5 cookies seems awfully generous. I was expecting something under 3. Unless 1.5 of those cookies came from Hugh Jackman.

  15. Speaking of missing superhero movie reviews . . . I just came across Unbreakable with Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson. It actually sounds OK and would have given us something half decent between Batman & Robin and X-Men. I’ll have to track it down and check it out.

  16. Never underestimate Hugh Jackman’s ability to cart about corpses in his movies; in Van Helsing he was cradling the corpse of Kate Beckinsdale, in Le Miz it was Fantine; he’s always hunched over some corpse, wheeping handsomely.

    I adore Liev, and Sabretooth, can’t help liking the bad boys.

  17. Yeah, comic book canon errors not withstanding, there was a lot of cheese in this movie. But, It was still a fun romp.

    And for the record, if Lynn Collins wants to tell me about Wolverines and moons as a method of seduction while sitting in my lap, I’ll let her. She could read the warning label on a box of Depends to me and I wouldn’t care. As long as she’s on my lap, she could be speaking Finnish, and it’d be amazing. When this movie comes on tv now, she’s half the reason why I watch it! It’s like I always say: “You can’t go wrong with blue-eyed brunettes!” Plus she fits into my favorite category looks-wise: she’s simple, yet elegant.

    And yes, I can’t remember if Unbreakable is on the list of movies for Cookie to review, but it needs to be. Fits the mold, I think.

    Mr. M., do you and Akemi have any favorite kinds of snacks? I ask for both of you since I used to have friends from Japan whose parents would send over their favorite snacks and candies every few weeks. They’d share them with us all the time and they were amazing! So, any favorite “specialty” snacks? Regular everyday-type snacks? Homemade snacks?

    -Mike A.

  18. I really liked X-Men and wanted to like Wolverine too. I’d have to agree with Cookie on his review but since I like Hugh Jackman, I would gone as high as maybe…five cookies.

    Das: I didn’t meant to put you on the defensive yesterday about Boo being on the table. It’s a daily struggle to keep mine off the counters/table. They know better but sometimes…they just can’t help themselves. I did love that picture of Boo and Mr. Das! It’s amazing how much joy a little guy can bring into our lives. Plus, Mr. Das “probably” isn’t too bad either 😉 .

    Deni: Anakin sure is a cute baby! How did it go when you babysat him solo?

    Any more cooking classes scheduled Mr. M.? I think we all enjoyed the last two classes.

  19. @ bailey – Jackson…Jackman… Does it really matter? 😉

    @ Deni – Beautiful grandson you got there!

  20. @Deni Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww It’s amazing how fast they grow. You know most all babies are beautiful, and then there are the ones that are just stunning.

    Haven’t seen this one either Cookie. I’ll make sure I don’t either. X-Men First Class though I did see and I loved it.

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