S3 poster

As rule of thumb, you know you in for crappy viewing experience when SUPERHERO movie you watching kick off wit MUSIKAL NUMBER.  Let just say dat, after sitting thru rest of dis film, monster wasn’t any Less Miserables.  Whew!  Dis movie be messier den Snuffalufagus eating Cantonese chow mein.  It meander and hopscotch from one coincidence or contrivance to de next as it desperately search for a plot dat never materialize.

Peter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson in love!  Peter decide he going to ask her to marry him – but he too cheap to buy a ring so he con Aunt May into giving him her old engagement ring.  Yep, tings looking pretty sweet for our tightwad hero until –

Just hanging around.

He get attacked by his old friend Harry Osborne who want revenge on Spiderman for killing his father!  Dey fight.  Harry seriously injured and – develop CONVENIENT amnesia, putting de brakes on dis partikular storyline.  We’ll get back to Harry later.  Meanwhile –

Like father like son.

Convikt Flint Marko escape from police by hopping a fence and ending up – oops – smackdab in middle of a science experiment on demolecularization.  Evidently, dese scientists are “book smart” not “security and safety” smart.  Flint Marko demolecularized and turned into…Sandman!  He visit his sick kid, vowing to make enough money to help her.  Uh, hold dat thought.  We get back to him later.  Meanwhile –

Mr. Sandman, lend me your comb, da-da-da-dum…

A meteor just happen to COINCIDENTALLY land near Peter and MJ out on a date.  A creepy black alien tingie hitch a ride on Peter’s bike and hang around his apartment.  But we’ll get back to dat later.  Meanwhile –


City honor Spiderman wit outdoor fest.  Spidey swing in and kiss Gwen Stacey, seksy blond who, COINCIDENTALLY, Spiderman saved and COINCIDENTALLY also be Peter Parker’s lab partner.  She also, COINCIDENTALLY, happen to be dating Eddie Brock who happens to be rival freelance photographer at de Daily Bugle.  Dat enuf coincidences for you?  No?  Good.  Plenty more where dose came from.

Peter take MJ out for dinner where he plan to propose to her wit second-hand ring, but plans fall thru becuz MJ mad at Peter for being a complete douchebag kissing Gwen Stacey.  Peter upset – and even more upset when police reveal dat Flint Marko de real killer of his Uncle Ben!

Huh?!  Apparently, producers feel not quite enough going on in dis movie so dey have to create forced “Oh, by de way, let’s retread dat whole revenge for Uncle Ben ting dat worked so well in de first movie” sub-sub-sub plot.

Putting capper on Peter’s bad day, he infekted by black alien creepy-crawly symbiote dat cause him to act crankier, dance around, and sport silly hairstyle.

Harry’s memories come back to him – CONVENIENTLY after movie has had chance to set up its half-dozen other half-ass storylines – and he blackmail MJ into breaking up wit Peter.  Monster not really sure how it be possible to threaten her since her boyfriend…BE FRIGGING SPIDERMAN!!!!  Peter, under influence of symbiote’s dance fever infektion, show up at bar where MJ works and dance up a storm, securing prize for Most Bewilderingly Stupid Scene in Spiderman Film History.

Eddie Brock, meanwhile, upset at being fired from De Daily Bugle and blaming Peter Parker, goes to some empty church in middle of night. But not just any empty church and not just any night.  He just happen to be at de exact same church at de exact same time dat, COINCIDENTALLY!!!!, Spiderman choose to divest himself of alien symbiote.  Symbiote drop off Peter and onto Eddie Brock who be transformed into…Venom!

Venom and Sandman kidnap MJ, den team up against Spiderman.  But Spiderman helped by most unlikely ally…Harry “New Green Goblin” Osborne (in one of the movie’s few inspired moments)!

[Addendum: Monster almost forget reason for Harry’s turnaround.  In one of movie’s most implausible moments – and dat’s saying someting! – Harry’s butler – who we’ve never seen before – tells him dat COINCIDENTALLY he was dere on de night his father was killed – untrue if first movie is to be believed – and saw everyting.  Spiderman not responsible for death of Norman Osborne after all.  Dis 11th hour “Oh, by the way!” moment go beyond CONVENIENT into INSULTINGLY STOOPID territory.  Hoo boy.]

Venom/Brock obliterated wit pumpkin bomb while Sandman say he sorry and drift away, leaving his “sick kid” storyline unfinished.  A mortally wounded Harry forgive Peter and die.

Movie conclude wit Harry’s solemn funeral.  And more singing and dancing!

Verdikt:  It be a movie about Peter Parker’s love for Mary-Jane.  No!  It be a movie about Harry Osborne getting revenge for his dad.  No!  It be about de Sandman misguided attempts to help his daughter.  No! It be about Peter/Spiderman getting revenge for Uncle Ben!  No!  It be about de dark side in all of us.  No!  It be about an evil alien symbiote wit de power to corrupt.  No!  It be about all of dese tings!  And none of dese tings!  On bright side, Sandman effekts pretty cool and monster like Spiderman/Green Goblin team up dat end movie.

Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.

19 thoughts on “January 7, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Spiderman 3!

  1. This movie gets high ratings from me because of James Franco. Period. I don’t care at all about the plot line.

    Speaking of eye candy, I saw some commercials out for Bullet to the Head and it was quick, but I said, “Whoa, is that Jason Momoa?” It IS, it IS! Has everyone seen it. I’ll go watch the movie and like the movie just because he is in it.

  2. I agree, this movie had WAY too many things going on. It was like watching a bad juggling act where the performer keeps dropping his balls. Ahem. Anyway, they could have done with about 50% fewer “things” going on, easily.

    First, the black evil goo. I always wondered what that was really about. It came from a meteor, but why would black goo from a meteor be evil? Was it making things evil some way of feeding itself, or propagating? I’m just trying to figure out the motivation. It’s apparently self aware enough to stop moving when it thinks Mary Jane notices its movement in Peter’s apartment but at other times seems to act completely instinctively. In the end, I’m not why it was even necessary to the whole story. It just seemed to be an excuse to allow Peter’s full rage to come out without making him seem like a jerk. But why couldn’t we just see Peter’s normal human rage, anyway? It would have been more meaningful. I did have to laugh about it having the “characteristics of condritic meteorites of the ’70s”. Everything was wilder back then, I guess – even meteors! Also, it “heightens or amplifies the characteristics of its host”. So, it’s made of booze, then?

    Hoverboards, even when evil, are still cool. Speaking of which, isn’t this getting close to the date when Marty goes into the future, by which we’re already supposed to have those??!! Oh wait, I think it’s 2015, never mind.

    When Peter takes the apparently already dead Harry to the hospital for resuscitation (he’s already tried to do CPR, which suggests his heart has stopped), why do the staff even bother trying to resuscitate? After that many minutes have passed, the chances of survival are nil, and it would appear that even defibrillation doesn’t work. Except, he survives with no brain damage other than memory by the next scene he’s in. Huh?

    In the scene where the police spot the Sandman and then he is hiding in the truck, why do a bunch of people start running away when the only thing that is obviously happening is the cop who lands in the windshield? (the Sandman doesn’t start forming from the bed of the truck until several seconds later.) Wouldn’t most people just be at most momentarily confused? And how would they know which direction to run away from?

    When the Sandman leaves so much of himself behind in the armoured truck, isn’t that actually parts of him? Why isn’t there parts obviously missing when he reforms?

    Where did Harry’s manservant come from? Have we even seen him before? And why the heck didn’t he give Harry the pivotal piece of information about his father’s death WAY before now? Also, it created a way too easy complete change of heart for Harry. It wasn’t believable at all. He went from vengeful, murderous maniac to “Oh okay, it was all a misunderstanding”, just like that.

    Oh, that’s right. These were all clunky plot contrivances to make the OTHER clunky plot contrivances make any sense at all.

    Anyway, five cookies is pretty generous. I would say three. Made with Splenda.

  3. Frighteningly enough, Mr. Monster’s review has actually made me want to see this thing. It sounds so bad it has to be wonderful!

  4. Holy crap! I completely forgot about Harry’s mysterious manservant who appears out of nowhere in this installment to offer up a convenient explanation for how his father really died. I think Cookie will have to make an addendum to his review.

  5. Joe, I know this is off-topic considering you’re doing movie reviews. But I honestly don’t understand why every country is getting its own unique Transporter TV series episode order. Literally every country has the show out of sequence which comes across as really strange to me.

    France is airing it 1 – 12, Germany and Canada seem out of order in a big way, seems no one has publicly come out and said what the proper order these episodes are supposed to be in, in regards to story lol

  6. Cookie, I just couldn’t face watching this one. Thanks for doing it for me. When I get corn tamales for Joe, I’ll toss in some cookies for you too.

  7. After the first Spiderman movie, I moved on to bigger and better things. I am not a super hero fan to begin with. The idea that anyone can become super at anything based on some accidental science screw up is beyond believable for me. The concept of supper human abilities of any kind is too ridiculous. Hint Hint.

  8. The appearance of the butler was one of the biggest WTF moments I’ve ever had while watching one of these movies. How much time had supposedly gone by since the first movie, five years? And he’s just telling him this little tidbit NOW? Well gee, thanks Jeeves, you do know you could have spared me five years of BITTER, VENGEFUL ANGST, right? It’s all okay though, you do tend to stay out of the way, after all. So much so, in fact, that we’ve never effing seen you before.

    Good grief.

  9. Joe, sorry this will be off-topic! One of my comments apparently didn’t post a couple days ago.


    Atlantis is back — on the blog! Thanks, Joe! It’s so good to see everyone again in the pictures and videos.

    JeffW — Won’t spoil the end of the Colt-Ravens game. Hope you can see it! Some of the highlights included Indianapolis Colts coach Chuck Pagano getting hug after hugs from Ravens players and staff. Didn’t know he had been defensive coordinator for the Ravens just a year ago. Heart-warming. Ray Lewis also returned to play in his last game at Ravens stadium, starting and ending the game with his signature dance. He also gave a great post-game interview. The winner of this game will play again on Saturday, facing the Denver Broncos, and Peyton Manning. 🙂

    Joe, aside from football, don’t you miss your Sunday afternoons with the guys, eating good food?


    Thanks, JeffW! That was a hard game to lose, but seriously, we can’t complain. To get in the playoffs in the first year of a rebuilding team, with 28 rookies, and a coach facing leukemia? And for coach to recover/be in remission? This year was a gift, even though it had to end.

    Paloosa, thanks also to you, too! Hugs. When time is shorter, friends and family are especially dear.

  10. I watched this after Cookie posted his review. I was released from the obligation to judge the plot and knew just what to fast forward to. It was a much more enjoyable movie when I had no hopes to dash.

    I actually liked Parker’s douchebag transformation. It was consistent with the way the goo was explained that he was so aggressively geeky.

    And then my son asked what I was watching during the dancing out of the suit store scene.
    Me: It’s supposed to be a Spiderman movie.
    Son: It looks like the idiot show.
    Me: You’re not allowed to say “idiot”.
    Son: It looks like that kind of show.
    Me: What kind of show?
    Son: A what I said before show.

    Nothing will ever, ever forgive them for screwing up Spiderman 1 just so their theme of forgiveness could get slammed home by someone without crazy eyes. Pick another theme and write it over. Sheesh.

    The action sequences were so perfectly done. And easy to follow, too. Some people did their jobs spectacularly in this movie. Just not the guy whose job it was to demand that the plot be cohesive.

    I loved that Brock asked Jesus to kill Parker. That way we didn’t feel sorry for him knowing it wasn’t the alien goo that made him batty. Yah know, the goo that dripped from the belfry seconds later. If that was intentional imagery of “bats in the belfry”, the two messages might have been dissonant. In this movie, we know it’s a contrivance to put the goo next to a bell and over Brock.

    I did love the action for that Sandman, but the way he was force fit into the plot dragged the movie down.

    Hoverboards are always awesome and work so well against or teamed up with Spiderman. I have to see more of that. Fine, I’ll just watch the Goblin episodes of the ’67 series, but that’s all. Haha “have a pumpkin, Dearie”, I see.

  11. @Cookie:

    I saw this when it first came out on DVD (I didn’t bother when it was in theatres). Even so, I couldn’t remember for the life of me what this movie was about (which was apparently putting in every single idea that got cut from the first two movies). Thanks for reminding me; now I don’t need to rewatch it.

    @Tam Dixon:

    About the only cool thing so far might be seeing Agam Darshi (Kate from Sanctuary) at the Encore today. As for cool gadgets, I won’t be going to the CES convention hall (I have to do demo duty at the Encore and won’t have the time) and the stuff I’m getting designed in today isn’t on the market yet, so I can’t say anything about those products yet. What I have helped with (on the semiconductor reference design side) is this (and products like it):


    On the foodie side, I will be going to the Capitol Grill on Wednesday and Michael Mina’s on Thursday, so those should be fun.

    @For the Love of Beckett:

    I did see Ray Lewis’ ‘dance’ and celebration with the fans, but the Las Vegas station cut away before the interview 🙁

    I don’t know if I’ll ever see the full game as I forgot to DVR it, and I don’t think my son remembered to either. At least I’ll get to see the Ravens-Broncos game this weekend.

  12. Dear CM – thanks for the review. I only saw the middle of this movie when it was on cable. Apparently, I missed a lot.

  13. I remember hating this movie when I saw it in the cinema but couldn’t remember specifically why I hated it. Watching it again reminded me why I hated it but I have certainly mellowed because I don’t think I hated it as much the second time.

    Sam Raimi really lost the plot with this one . . . literally!

    I really liked the space goo effect as it was crawling around. It was really creepy and well done. The sand effects were OK but have been done before.

    My biggest problem with the movie was the Sandman. I just don’t understand the point of the character. Did they realise their script was a little short so just added this stupid story to pad it out? It feels like it to me.

    I liked that all the bit parts from the previous movies were reprised in this one. From the staff at the newspaper to Peter’s landlord. And even Peter’s uncle and the “murderer” from the first movie. It gave it nice continuity.

    As for Harry’s butler. I vaguely remember him from the previous movies but I would have to go back and watch them. Hang on! No I don’t! I’ve got IMDB! Yep, he was in both the previous movies so he didn’t just appear from nowhere. But, yes, it was weird that he chose this moment to reveal important information about Harry’s dad.

    I assume Harry’s miraculous recovery in hospital after apparently dying was due to the Green Goblin genes. That’s the only way I can explain it.

    Regarding the origin of the space goo, I think they were setting it up at the end of the second movie. Remember that MJ was marrying the astronaut? I think he was supposed to have been infected with the goo while in space (when he jumps onto the boat to get to MJ after she was rescued from the bridge it is a very superhuman jump, something I thought strange at the time). Anyway, I think the original plan was for the astronaut dude to become Venom and stalk MJ because she dumped him. Probably would have been a better story. Instead they came up with this coincidental meteorite and stupidity that ensued.

    I think your 5 cookies are a bit generous. I would have only gone with three.

  14. Hey Joe,

    I’ve got a Stargate question for you. Considering it’s been well over a year and it looks like there isn’t a snowballs chance in hell we’ll ever see anything new Stargate related on TV in the foreseeable future. How about having Rob Cooper or Brad Wright do a guest blog and have them spill the beans on all that was planned for the ending of SGU and the canned TV movies, And perhaps everything else they had planned for Stargate as a whole?

    Please? I seriously miss my Stargate fix :”(

    With kind regards,

  15. @Angelus

    Sounds good but a what could of been post would be depressing for everyone. I doubt there’s one person out there who wouldn’t be sad after hearing what was planned for SGU, or SGA lol

  16. This movie reminded my why I hate sequels. Other movies which (imho) should have stopped with the first:

    Pirates of the Caribbean
    Raiders of the Lost Ark
    The Mummy

    Now, there are many exceptions, of course. The first three Star Wars films (ep. 4-6) were great (we won’t discuss those latter three, however). Though not without imperfections, I loved most of the Dirty Harry series. LOTR was an excellent example of consistency throughout a multiple film story. Eastwood’s Man With No Name trilogy is practically iconic. The Die Hard movies have held their appeal. And older films – the serial mysteries such as Sherlock Holmes (Basil Rathbone), Charlie Chan, and The Saint – were all quite entertaining, even if they were lower budget productions. And it’s hard to beat The Thin Man series. And then there’s Bond flicks, which just seem to keep getting better and better.

    But for other film franchises it seems like all the best ideas were used up in the first movie. I’m not sure why some films are so great when they come out, and end up being so damn stupid by the time a studio spits out the third (or fourth, or fifth) film, while others are somehow able to maintain a consistent quality throughout a series of films.


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