SR - poster

Dis movie more boring den Fozzie Bear’s off-off-off Broadway production of “Old Coronation Street Episodes”.  It so bad dat monster invite friends over and invent Superman Returns drinking game. Everytime someone begin to doze off while watching movie, he have to do shot.  By end of movie, not sure if Big Bird and Grover pass out from Jagermeister or sheer boredom.  Me tink both.

Movie begin wit Superman returning to Earth after being away for five years to visit what left of his home planet: Krypton.  Why he go?  What he find?  Why it take him 5 years?  Dis never explained. Coinsidentally, his alter ego, Clark Kent also return to work at de Daily Planet.  He horrified to diskover Lois Lane did not put her life on hold for him.  She not only have a son, but she be married to X-Men’s Cyclops!

Clark Kent
Clark Kent = Super-Creep

Superman prove himself a super-creep by stalking Lois, spying on her and her family wit his x-ray vision, den trying to seduce her by flying her around de city and trying to kiss her on a rooftop.  (Please, do a shot).  She pissed at him becuz he left Earth witout telling her he was leaving.  Why he never said goodbye to her?  Dis never explained but reason be clear.  Superman be utter douchebag.

Uh, she be married, right?
Uh, she be married, right?

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor have big plans to cause world chaos and grow an island in de ocean blah blah blah.  (Please, do a shot).  Power fluktuates.  Earth shakes.  Planes fall out of sky.  Superman save de day.  Movie plods along.  Someone forget to tell aktor Brandon Routh dat Clark Kent de boring one, NOT Superman!

Lex contemplate de art of de shiv.

Lois and her son somehow end up on Lex’s private yacht where he plot to enact his island-growing plan (yawn.  Please do another shot.).  But clever Lois send stealthy fax 🙁 alerting Cyclops.  Thug start to beat her up but her son trow piano at him, demonstrating super strength and suggestion dat he be Superman’s son.  Oh, and also suggest dat nice guy Cyklops be a cuckold.  Or dat Lois go to bed wit Cyklops maybe a couple of weeks after sleeping wit Superman in Superman II.

Yacht sinks.  Superman save Lois.  He end up on new landmass dat it turn out be made of kryptonite.  Superman weakened and, in incredibly overwrought scene, beat up and stabbed wit a kryptonite shiv.  Superman plunge of cliff.  BUT he saved by Cyklops and Lois.

Superman pick up landmass and chuck it into space, nature’s cosmic garbage can.

Lex and his annoying girlfriend eskape in a helictoper dat eventually run out of gas, so dey end up stranded on a deserted island – wit nothing to eat but a coconut and a small dog.

Superman rushed to hospital.  He be in a coma!  But Lois and son visit, give him a kiss and make him all better.

Verdikt: Curse of Superman alive.  Dis film confirm: It impossible to make a good Superman movie!

Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

20 thoughts on “December 3, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Superman Returns!

  1. Indeed, it seems that the movie was at least about an hour too long for its content – and that’s just the start of the problems.

    This movie is very much more dependent on the awful ones that preceded it than I remember on first viewing when it came out. I would normally say continuity like that’s a good thing, but it’s all bad memories in this case. It certainly has much higher production values, as you would expect given the time of its production. I just wish they could have done something with them.

    It did open with a proper title sequence, which it seems lately I see less and less of, and for that I give it credit (so to speak). Also, in the opening scene where Luthor drops his wig into the kid’s hand making her scream was pretty awesome. And, we got to see the Fortress of Solitude again (no mention if they walked there this time) which is apparently like Kryptonite to good dialogue and plot logic.

    Various thoughts/ponderings:

    The dog cannibalism (we’re to assume, since one of the dogs “disappears”) was gross and completely unnecessary in my opinion. Then to top off the movie it infers the other one gets eaten. Nice.

    Why would the crystals growing cause so much power failure? This is never really explained and seemed pointless other than to cause the problem with the shuttle launch, and thus to allow Superman to save the shuttle and the airplane.

    Ha! The first thing I thought of when seeing Lois’ boyfriend was, “So THAT’S what happened to Cyclops from last week! Jean blasted him clear into this movie!”

    Superman’s peeping-tom scene at Lois and Richard’s obviously EXTREMELY expensive house on the shore was nothing but creepy.(And, WTF? He’s a pilot and she’s a reporter. I kind of think Lois in one of her investigations found something on some millionaire and is now blackmailing him) Clearly a violation of their privacy. Ugh.

    Again, I still don’t get how Lois can fly with Superman and not be very uncomfortable because of her weight, especially flying horizontally. By touching something, does Supe make them weightless? How come he couldn’t do that with the plane? Does. Not. Make. Sense.

    Although, in the end I probably shouldn’t have cared anyway, but it seemed to take forever for Lex Luthor’s plot line to go anywhere. I almost kept forgetting that he was in the movie.

    And then there’s Luthor’s plan to make a new continent so that he can sell.. land? Dumb. If the results of the plan will also kill (not millions, but) BILLIONS, who is going to want to buy this new land, assuming it ultimately takes up as much surface area as the stuff now flooded? It doesn’t make a damn bit of sense, and it makes Luthor like such an idiot that as a villain he can’t be taken seriously. Although, I guess in that sense it IS keeping in the spirit of the original movies.

    When the crystal continent began to disintegrate and Luthor, etc., had to evacuate, I couldn’t help but think of the unstable matrix from the Genesis device in Star Trek III: TSFS.

    Even the whole ending seemed to take forever. The whole movie seemed so long that I could barely remember the beginning. When was that again, last week?

    Anyway, yeah. Another Superman movie that wasn’t that good. I agree, I think it’s just impossible to make a good version of this. I’ve actually thought since we started watching the Superman movies that the problem with the character is that he’s just too God-like. Near omnipotence is boring because it’s almost impossible to write something that actually has peril.

    Oh well, what’s next? “My Super Ex-Girlfriend’?


    I see the blog snow is back! It is the blog snow, right, and I’m not having some kind of stroke?

  2. The only thing memorable about the movie was the special effects.. some of them were really great. Which if nothing else is the telltale sign about everything that is wrong with that movie. In theory Superman is the greatest of the superheroes ..he’s the standard that every hero after him gets judged against in modern day lore. But when people left that movie they weren’t talking about how amazingly heroic Superman was, or Lex Luthor being an evil genius, or how the story added more insight to the richness that is the Superman universe, people talked about the special effects because that was the only positive they could take away from after having to sit through it. Sure the previous Superman movies had their plot holes (changing time, really? becoming human? separating Clark from Superman? destroying all the world’s nuclear weapons?) but at least there was some entertainment value to them whereas the entertainment value in this movie was so thin they didn’t even try to mask the stupidity. When told to make an unbelievable Superman story, I think the writers misunderstood and thought they were told to make a Superman story unbelievable. How can you make a movie about the greatest superhero of all time and it not be entertaining? It’s like the studio was holding a piece of gold and decided to paint it another color to make people think that it’s coal. Let’s just hope they won’t mess up the new Superman movie coming out next year (knock on wood).

    In other news.. it looks like a blog blizzard is fast approaching!!! Thanks for the snow, Joe!

    Well, I’m off to go stock up on bottled water before the stores sell out due to the snow (now there’s something I didn’t think I’d find myself saying today, especially since it was just 74 degrees here a couple of hours ago).

  3. I actually liked this one. Gosh, it is just so tough getting caught up. I wound up in the hospital last Sunday/Monday (Nov 25/26). I have very few memories from Friday to Monday. And then just feeling weak all week. It gets old. Went for a follow up with one doctor today, tomorrow another, and yet another on the 18th. Feeling better today, but this is the first day I haven’t been in bed for some large portion of the day. We’ll see how I do tomorrow because of it. Tree is up, but no ornaments on (thanks to awesome husband). Christmas letter done. Some Christmas gifts bought. Next–addressing 250 Christmas cards with pictures of Patrick/Christmas letter inserts. The weekend I would have gained after Thanksgiving I totally lost from whatever was happening with my brain. One of these days I will get caught up. Maybe by the end of 2013.

  4. Confession time. Haven’t watched the movie. Got it sitting on the shelf, have had it for a few years now, and have never been able to bring myself to watch it. Already heard bad reviews, and Cookie Monster strengthens my reservations. Maybe, in a far far future I will consider it.
    I hope this post goes through. For some reason, I have not been able to successfully post here. It’s been an interesting couple of weeks for me. After several months, finally cleared by the doctor to go back to work, passed the physical agility test, and am not returning to a “normal” lifestyle. Very weird, and very exciting. Also considering taking in a new mutt who is currently being shuffled from home to home. I have to admit, I will be glad when this year is over. This will always be a memorable year, but not one I remember fondly. Anyways, thanks to Cookie Monster for sharing, and I will make an effort to watch the next offering.

  5. I didn’t think the movie was bad personally, just didn’t see how it could cost 209 million dollars to make, special effects aside, the budget was awfully bloated.


    Hope you get better soon, being unwell sucks. Personally I’ve felt unwell more often since losing my Appendix years ago, granted keeping would of killed me as it burst, just the immune systems a weird thing.

  6. Impossible for Superman movies to be good. Is this from the established pattern or have you identified the incontrovertible factor(s)?

    I just watched a couple of trailers for My Super Ex-Girlfriend. Are we going to get group counseling to deal with the trauma of seeing this or is it funny as long as it’s a male protagonist these things are happening to?

  7. @PBMom:

    I hope you continue to recover from your illness and feel better soon.


    Anyway, yeah. Another Superman movie that wasn’t that good.

    After watching this film (a little while ago), I saw the trailer for the next incarnation of Superman coming out next year. Like the bowl of petunias in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, my first thought, was “Oh no, not again.” I think I’m done. It will take some very good reviews (by none other than Cookie Monster himself) to make me change my mind and go and see the next one.

  8. @PBMom: Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way. Feel better soon!

    Sorry Joe – just couldn’t make myself watch Superman, but My Super Ex Girlfriend is in the DVD player and waiting for me! It just seemed like it might be an entertaining movie. I may live to regret it.

  9. Joe….thanks for the snow! It would not be right without it at this time of year.

    Thanks Cookie, for saying what I am thinking. When I first saw this movie…I liked it better than this time around. Guess, I don’t have the patience for some of the contrived parts – of which there are many. But Brandon is easy on the eyes.

    Did not plan to do it but saw the My Super Ex Girlfriend. It was on one of my cable channels. Will save comments for next discussion.

    @PBMom – hope you feel better.

  10. Joey, please delete the other post, I posted the wrong vid link. 😛 Thankies.

    @ PBMom – Feel better soon! {{hugs}}

    RE: The movie – I am NOT a Superman fan, so I avoid his movies like the plague.

    Very busy today – it was in the 60s so we took advantage of the good weather and tackled some much needed yard work. The leaves are mostly off the trees now, so it was a good day for raking since there wasn’t even a whisper of a breeze. Mr. Das raked while I cleaned up the front beds around the house, cutting back unruly growth to the edging (but I need help getting rid of a mess of vinca vine that has taken over my yard like kudzu in the deep south ). Also trimmed some shrubs, tidied up my Japanese garden, shaped up the ivy, cut back dead flowers, and helped raked leaves. We still need to rake a small portion of the yard, cut back the grape vine, pollard the crepe myrtle, and just tidy everything up. Then I won’t look at it again until the end of March.

    @ Joey – Boo discovered your blog! Or, should I say, the snowflakes on your blog:


  11. I’m holding off on Man of Steel, too, until I either get a safe to tread message from Monster or just feel like reviewing what I expect to be a bad movie here. If that never happens, that’s one less bad movie I watch. Oh well. You brought this on yourself, Superman Franchise.

    @Tim Gaffney – oooo – The #1 thing I’m passionate about regarding Star Wars vs. an adorable take on Stargate. They know how to push my buttons.

  12. What a disappointment this movie was! They’d been trying for years to make another Superman movie (remember the rumours that Nicolas Cage was gonna be Superman at one point?) and when they finally do they come up with this rubbish!

    I think the major stumbling block was the decision to make this movie a continuation of the previous movies rather than doing a reboot. While I’m the first to complain about origin stories repeated ad infinitum, there had been around 20 years since the last Superman movie (nearly 30 since the origin movie) so I think it was time for a new origin story. Instead they had to carry around the baggage of the previous movies, baggage that put them WAY over their baggage allowance.

    Superman Returns is basically a retelling of the first Superman movie with an extra hour of crap added in. Superman lands on Earth in a meteorite, goes to Metropolis to get a job as a reporter, Lois Lane needs rescuing from a falling helicop . . . sorry, plane, Lex Luthor has grandiose and complicated real estate plans that will result in the death of millio . . . sorry, billions, to stop Superman thwarting his plans he uses Kryptonite to try to kill Superman, Superman, against impossible odds, saves the day!

    I’d forgotten about Peeping Tom Superman. Very creepy. But, hey, if I had X-Ray vision I’d struggle not to use it if I was pining after a woman!

    @gforce: I agree with you, Superman is too invincible. The Kryptonite MacGuffin is really the only way he can become vulnerable. Plus, he’s too clean cut. Batman has the whole tortured vigilante angle but what drives Superman to do what he does? Because he can?

    I’m hoping the new Superman movie next year is an improvement but I have my doubts.

  13. I learned two things from this movie:

    Brandon Routh aesthetically fit the part of Superman, but had a horribly written part in a slow movie.


    Kate Bosworth looks amazing as a brunette.

    That’s about it.

    Things don’t look to get any better with the new one, regardless of producer. Everything is going to this “darker” tone now thanks to the popularity of the Dark Knight trilogy. But they’re forgetting one thing: those movies were extremely well written and directed! A tough task to pull off these days, apparently.

    Then there’s the thing I can’t get over. All the most recent American “Heroes” as it were, are all played by foreigners! Batman, Spiderman, Superman, Abraham Lincoln, and Jed Eckert(Red Dawn). Are there no good actors left in America? How many different “hero” roles can Chris Hemsworth play? Is there a bet on this? Who’s his agent?

    At least Brandon Routh went on to do stuff outside the “hero” genre. Extra kudos for his work in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World(one of my all-time favorite movies).

  14. Sorry I missed the movie. I always think about “The Curse” when it comes to Superman movies. My Super Ex-Girlfriend was funny. I’m not sure if Cookie will like it but there were a few scenes that I did NOT seeing coming. Bipolar chicks should NOT have superpowers.

    Das: Boo is growing up! I love black cats, especially when they smile.

    PBmom: Do they know what happened? I pray you are feeling better today. You just can’t seem to catch a break lately. {hugs}

    1. Hey guys: Most seem to agree that I had a flare-up of my pseudotumor cerebri. I deal with it on a daily basis, some days better than others. It is when you have too much cerebrospinal fluid in your head and your body can’t get rid of it. Since I don’t have optic nerve involvement, they would never consider putting in a shunt. I can’t take steroids. I can’t take Diamox (which is what I was on until I developed kidney stones from what they thought was this). And diuretics like Lasix just help a little bit. The nephrologist really does not want me to use Lasix if I can get away with it. More concerning for me is my kidney issue. When I was in in November the doctor got a second opinion on my biopsy slide from last December. They think I have kidney damage from the nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory medication I was on (prescription). Something called minimal change disease. The word “permanent” is still sinking into my brain, but I do recall when I saw him previously he said if they could not get control of the protein loss, I was going to be on dialysis and then the transplant list sooner versus later. He might add something when I go back to see him in March if I still have a problem. Ah, the invisible diseases. People look at me and say, “But you look great” and some, like my friend I just ran into who I knew from church 7 years, said she would not have known me if she passed me on the street. Still having some dizziness and headache issues but at least I’m not blacking out anymore. LOL. Of course, Jeff tries to take advantage of my condition and tries to make me out to be the crazy one if an issue comes up. Shame on him!

      @ForTheLoveOfBeckett VERY talented people on The Voice. I like Terry, too. I’m not a fan of Cassadee although she has great stage presence. I like Trevor and Nicholas and Melanie, too. Dez, too.

  15. PBmom — Scary stuff! Please let us know what they tell you. I’ve not gone through the levels of serious health issues that you have, but understand the frustration when docs don’t have everything figured out. Sending prayers for good health and answers. P.S. Saw on fb that you’ve been watching “The Voice” this season, too. Isn’t the talent unbe-LIEV-able this time? I’d listen to an album by any one of them. Like you, I favor Amanda Brown, but also like Scottish rocker Terry McDermott.

    Das — Loved the video of Boo! How funny. Thanks for sharing. We have a black feral kitten also, named Midnight. He’s an outdoor feral, with three of his littermates. They sleep in an old doghouse Dad built once, with double walls, insulation, and a wind baffle at the front door. Dad calls it the cat house.

    Joe — Sorry about the Snow Monkeys. That would be a huge disappointment with the amount of time invested. On the brighter side, it’s a good thing you’re not an NFL team owner! What would Akemi say then?

    All — Enjoyed reading about everyone’s Thanksgiving celebrations, and other discussions lately. [Gross alert.] Got really sick that weekend and have been fighting a bad case of bronchitis since then. Still blowing through a box of Puffs and coughing up stuff, but at least am finally able to breathe better and get some sleep.

    Carl — Got a much-needed giggle over your Disneyland rant at Meeko the raccoon. Sounds just like something any German dad would say. “I created you! Get over here!” :LOL: (My gene pool is from Wisconsin.)

  16. Here’re the cookie ratings for the Superman movies. If I was on my game, I’d give a histogram and the probability that Man of Steel would exceed 6 cookies (not good).

    3.0 — Superman and the Mole Men (196x)
    2.0 — Superman the Movie (1978)
    1.5 — Superman II
    0.5*– Superman III
    0.5**- Superman IV
    4.0 — Superman Returns!
    ?.? — Man of Steel (2013)

    *and one broken button
    **and no chocolate chippeez

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