Well, I didn’t hear from my erstwhile email scammer, James Williams, all weekend, so I took it upon myself to try and prod a response out of him. My alter ego, Cookie Monster, sent him the following email –
“After not hear back from James Williams, have Games Night at Ernie and Bert’s house instead. Was very fun! Play Crazy Eights and Old Maid and Cookie Monster win at Tickly Cramps because he only one not throwed up. Play Tender Meatballs too but not fun when Grover play because official rules say only open hand slap but Grover use closed fist. DEN Cookie Monster throwed up, but me say “Hey, not fair! Grover cheat!” and Grover say no and use open hand but now too late because already tender meatballs. Everyone have good time and try to stay up late but first Telly pass out (tired), den Bert pass out (tender meatballs), den Big Bird fall down stairs (Jagermeister) and Ernie have to call ambulance, den police come and arrest Count for yelling and pants down. Anyway, was good time for everyone and sorry James Williams miss it.
Love,
Cookie Monster”
On the bright side, I did receive good news from John Yaw Addo in Ghana who contacted me with a business proposal that could net me a cool $6.5 million. $6.5 million! I’d be an idiot to pass that up. I responded –
“Dearest Mr. Addo,
Oh, goodness me, your email couldn’t have arrived at a better time as my senior ladies acapella club was just in the process of planning its very first group vacation. This year, we were considering somewhere strange, exotic and maybe even a little dangerous that could offer up the authentic taste of a foreign culture like, say, our local Chinatown. Well, after receiving your email and doing a little research, we decided “What the hey!“ and secured a terrific deal on a group rate to Ghana. So the good news is you’ll get to meet me! And the even better news is you’ll have two weeks to do it as Francine, Edith, Abigail, Hortensia, Prudeth, and I will require accommodations while we’re in town. Not to worry. All we need is somewhere to sleep, eat, and leave our cash and valuables when we go out for the day to tour the pyramids. Also, FYI when it comes to preparing meals, Edith and Hortensia follow strict gluten-free diets. Francine and Prudeth, on the other hand, follow strict gluten-only diets. Abigail and I can eat pretty much anything so long as it doesn’t contain flour, dairy, or any fruit or vegetable with a repeating vowel (ie. tomatoes). Be as creative as you like and, on the odd days you don’t feel like cooking, we’d be delighted to treat you at the nearest Denny’s.
As our departure day is fast-approaching, would you be so kind as to send us your address and phone number so that we may plan accordingly,
Looking forward to borrowing your car,
Florence Shezzledap”
And then there was the email from Martin Holme informing me that the IMF (for reasons not entirely clear) was awarding me $950 000. Well, I was quick to reply:
“Dear Mr. Holme,
Thank you for getting in touch with me regarding this matter. As acting representative of the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil, I am pleased to inform you that the $950 000 in question will go to a very good cause – chiefly, our goal of total world domination by the year 2010. It need not be said that global conquest and the subjugation of the entire human race is a lofty ambition and one that we at the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil would be unable to attain were it not for the support of individuals and megacorps such as yourself. We take great pride in our ongoing efforts to foment divisiveness, paranoia and destruction as part of our greater aim to destabilize standing governments and erode confidence in existing symbols of authority such as the U.N., the IMF, and, of course, Captain Spectacular and his Confederacy of Justice, and so welcome your contribution.
Please forward the money to our Fortress of Depravity moonbase at your earliest convenience and be sure to include your full name and address as well as the names and addresses of all your associates so as to help us facilitate our cleaning up of loose ends when the time comes.
Thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Sincerely,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Within the hour, I had received a follow-up email from Mr. Holme that started: “ATTN: Baron Destructo, This is to acknowledged the receipt of your email regarding your Payment…” and proceeded to offer me three payments options, two fairly convenient (direct transfer to my bank account or express delivery to my home address) and one fairly inconvenient (I could go down to their offices in Spain or Cotonou and pick it up in person). I chose the latter.
“Dear Human Scum,
Thank you for your speedy response regarding the monies earmarked for the League of Aliens and Mutants for Evil and its drive toward world domination by 2010. With regard to the payment options offered, we would prefer the first. Two of our representatives, Glaxnor the Miscreant and Flamer the Flaming Man will visit your payment centers in either Spain or Cotonou to collect the winnings and deal with any potential witnesses. If possible, please arrange to be there yourself, Mr. Holme, as your presence at the prospective scene of devastation would obviate the need to track you down at a later date.
Again, thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Sincerely,
Baron Destructo
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Today’s blog is dedicated to Virginie, Julie Ann, her pesky gallbladder, and goats Kassandra and Rodney.
Pics: Just one today.
Mailbag –
Lorr54 writes: “Todd works for me for a Wraith name, however, will we learn his real Wraith name in Season 4?”
Answer: Coincidentally, Todd is his Wraith name as well, spelled “Ttod“.
Dani writes: “When you write the script for an episode do you plan out where the commercial breaks are going to be as you write?”
Answer: Yes. When we outline a story, we break it down into acts (five acts and a teaser), and each ends with what I like to call a “Tum tum tum TAAAA ta-da-DA!” moment.
Arctic Goddess writes: “Do you look forward to going to work or are you still wondering what you will be when you grow up?”
Answer: I love my job and while I don’t wonder what I’ll be when I grow up, I do wonder what I’ll do when the show ends. But hopefully that won’t be for a loooong time.
Anonymous #1 writes: “Will the Pegasus Replicators be as much of a threat to their galaxy as the Milky Way Replicators were to ours?”
Answer: Yup. Things will develop on many fronts early in season four.
Anonymous #2 writes: “What else do you do, now that all of your writing is done for the season?”
Answer: Oh, I kill time by doing the occasional producing as well.
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