There were some pansies, some flox, and what I thought may have been buttercups but I couldn’t be sure. The assortment would have made for a lovely bouquet, but as far as salads went, this one left a lot to be desired. We were at Chow for lunch. My pretty little salad accompanied a pulled pork sandwich that failed to impress. The bread was too hard, the cheese too sharp, the pork itself a little too lean and dry. However, my second dish, a gnocchi with morel mushroom and leek in a cream sauce, proved a welcome distraction. For her part, Fondy was hardly enthused by the portion size of her good arugula salad, and while she did find her chorizo plate tasty enough, the fact the sausage fell somewhere between lukewarm and room temperature led her to suggest we give this place a skip next time out. Chow’s brings it’s A game at dinner but, alas, it’s lunch efforts are more a solid C+.

The frustrating lunch was par for the day. While Fondy was dealing with a dog spa issue (The guy hired to do the flooring threw a hissy fit when the building manager took him to task for leaving a bunch of garbage in the main hallway, quit and stomped off in a huff), I was dealing with Statistics Canada that was phoning to inquire about that survey they sent me three months ago. Survey. Survey. Doesn’t ring a bell. Could it be the survey I brought to work and ran by our lawyer (former legal beagle Alex Levine) for an opinion? Alex’s opinion at the time: “Toss it. It’s not mandatory.” Well, the woman who called me this morning would disagree. No harm done. She’ll be sending me another copy and checking in with me in a three weeks, bless her heart.

Well, finally, after two grueling weeks, I completed my first pass on Kindred Part I. Now, all I have to do is go over what I’ve done and make it good. Lately, I’ve actually done more work on my Nigerian pen pal than on my script. And guess who wrote back this morning?

“Dear Hazzencockle,

Thanks for your mail which really awaken me. I cannot appreciates Allah for keeping me untill i met you ,your prayers are giving me enough courage and strengths,thanks so much!

As regards the orghanage name conclusivelly, ALI IN THE FAMILY – HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE has finally caught my likes,and i settles for that .

I do fervantly pray for you on your jouney to london but please do be careful .

I know by the special grace of Allah i will not die but prays that i will be strong enough to stand fit to be able to sign all the necessary ducoments on the quick transfer of this money to you .

My hope is that this could be done this week as soon as your informations are ready.
I will be expecting your responds on this instance thanks .

Yours regards

To which I responded –

“Pip! Pip! Top of the mornin’ to you, guv! Fancy a shag?

Ali, my friend. Guess where I am? Yes – London! It is, without a doubt, the most exotic place I have ever visited with its commemorative plate shops and adorable wrong-way driving. I am enjoying myself immensely and, tomorrow, will be making the payment to free up the funds and collect my lottery winnings! Who knows? I may be so rich that I won’t need your money to build the orphanage after all. Ha! Ha! Seriously though, I still need that money.

Speaking of which – I don’t mean to rush you but how much longer do you think you have? Your last email got me a little concerned when you wrote “I know by the special grace of Allah i will not die”. Uh, I don’t mean to sound insensitive but I‘ve already started making plans for that money. If you can assure me that you are still dying, that would be great. Also, any sort of an inkling of a timeline would be much appreciated. When the doctor gave you three months to live, did he seem hopeful? Was it “at least three months” or “three months at best”? Does the five days we’ve corresponded count toward those three months? At approximately 90 days minus 5, that still leaves 85 days! The segway I put the down payment on can only be held for less than half that time!

Regarding the orphanage name. You just had to pick the one where your name appears first. You sly dog. So, okay. ALI IN THE FAMILY – HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE it is. We should start breaking ground as soon as possible as my landlord has informed me he will be raising my rent this September and I will need to move. I was thinking that we could build the orphanage on the vacant lot across the street from my old place as it would still allow me to be within walking distance of both my work and my mom and has the added bonus of all my former neighbors and landlord being envious of me because I will be living in the castle across the street from them. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention – I think the orphanage should be an actual castle with working drawbridge and moat and maybe one of those cauldrons with the hot oil on the top for when my landlord drops by to pretend like we‘re friends and that he wasn’t the one who stole my Royal Doulton Bunnykins collectible. Sort of like the castle Harry Potter lives in but hopefully not with as many kids. Let me know what you think.

Tally ho!

Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”

Pics: My salad highlights, the pulled pork sandwich, the gnocchi.

Time to make some people angry…

Neep writes: “Have you tried haggis?”

Answer: I haven’t. Were you planning to send me some?

Mackenziesmomma writes: “What is your favorite place to purchase chocolate?”

Answer: Chocosphere in Portland.

Anonymous #1 writes: “1. Will the SciFi channel air Season Four in one run or will there be a break in the middle? 2. Will Elizabeth Weir end up ascending?”

Answer: 1. That’s a question for SciFi. 2. No.

Someday Scientist writes: “Do you think if I hang around your blog for long enough, some of your evil villain-ness will rub off on me?”

Answer: If you’re willing to apply yourself, yes.

Arctic Goddess writes: “I had a telemarketer call me today…”

Answer: Fun fun. A telemarketer called up Martin Gero a couple of weeks ago and enthusiastically informed him that he had won something. Martin’s response was an equally enthusiastic shout “YEEAAAAH! WHOOOOHOOOOO! YESSSSSSSSSSS!” Perhaps a little too enthusiastic. His trailing euphoria was followed by an awkward pause. Then, the telemarketer: “Yeah, okay it’s a scam. Uh, do you know the score of the game?” Martin: “I think it’s 3-2.” Telemarketer: “Okay. Thanks.” And hangs up.

Seahen writes: “I’m going on a job interview tomorrow. Do you have any nice interview type answers I could use?”

Answer: Try “I’m an enthusiastic worker with boundless energy who will see a job through to the end regardless of the commitment demanded. Also, I am good at starting small fires.”

Jennifer writes: “My brother has started watching anime. Which ones would you recommend watching?”

Answer: Depends. How old is he?

Marline writes: “I was just curious do you like Gilmore Girls or was that just a funny bit you stuck in for kicks?”

Answer: I never watched it – but Marty G. was a big fan.

SueS writes: “Is there such a thing as Canadian cuisine?”

Answer: Hmmmm. Good question. There are some plates that are certainly typical of Quebec, but I can’t think of one that’s representative of Canada as a whole. I don’t know. Ever had a beaver tail?

Anonymous #2 writes: “ Can you tell us anything else about the ‘Midway’ ep?”

Answer: I’ll have more on this episode when we return from hiatus.

Smileyface06 writes: “What are the approximate lengths of Continuum and The Ark of Truth, are they closer to 90 or 120 minutes?”

Answer: Somewhere solidly in between for both.

Tony writes: “Is there any chance for us to seeing more of the other great alliance members popping up on Atlantis?”

Answer: At present, there are no plans to cross over any of the great alliance races

58 thoughts on “July 3, 2007

  1. “Pip! Pip! Top of the mornin’ to you, guv! Fancy a shag?”

    And I used to thing Rolling On Floor Laughing was just an expression.

    And about the haggis, yes I mailed you some. You mean it hasn’t arrived yet? Do you think it’s the NZ customs or Canadian ones being difficult?

  2. Oh, you’re good Joe, you’re very good.

    Are we going to get some “Explore Atlantis” episodes in Season 4?

  3. You’ve been at the chocolate again, haven’t you?

    Canadian cuisine: doughnuts? My husband went to Canada once and was amazed at how you could buy a doughnut on every corner. He also discovered Labatt’s. Hmmm, that’s also the trip when he came home and said he was now ready to have children. Think maybe the beer had something to do with that?

  4. At the risk of sounding British, “Top of the mornin’ to ya'” is Irish 😛

    Much love though. Long time watcher, first time poster 🙂

  5. Also… you’re blogging much earlier than usual. Enjoying your break? It’s midyear break at my uni, that’s why I can read your blogs as you post them (10.30am my time today)… it’s not like I sit here all day hitting refresh. Heh.

    Are you using your (sort of still working) break to read more? What are you reading at the moment? The last 6 books I have read are set in Montreal, so I’m even starting to understand some of the French!

  6. “It is, without a doubt, the most exotic place I have ever visited with its commemorative plate shops and adorable wrong-way driving.”

    Aaahhh, you’re so much fun. 😛

    Luckily I haven’t been subjected to any surveys (or phonecalls from the blood donor clinic) for the past few months. I didn’t actually think it would work, but I had my mother tell them I was out of the province at school until the end of July. =P Come August I’ll have to come up with a new excuse, but I highly recommend you try something similar. =P

    In response to your reponse to the haggis question, I also recommend you scrounge some up somewhere. It’s actually kind of tasty–we have it once a year for the annual Ode to A Haggis banquet on Robbie Burns Day. You want unusual taste…well, that’s it. =)

  7. Hi Joe, I watched the video of the digital press tour and I have to say, you look great and in my opinion, if I may, much better than this pic, what’s your secret? I mean what are you doing now that you didn’t do then? and out of curiosity, what’s the story behind the picture? Take care! Carolina

  8. That *is* one sorry looking pulled pork sandwich. Way to get it *all* wrong.

    Sadly, I’ve been leery of eating out ever since an award winning restaurant julienned the heck out of my snow peas. I don’t care how fun it is to say, it’s not always the answer to vegetable presentation.

    Um… I’m upset about your pulled pork experience? *snort*

  9. Oh man, I asked you to confirm me a a friend on Facebook, but I didn’t even give you my name. Scott Seals, Missouri State University network. Stupid me.

  10. Oh, word of advice… Haggis is something which is very nice. Just dont ask what its made out of 😛

  11. Canadian cuisine = Tim Hortons.

    Do you ever go out for dim sum, Joe? What’s your favourite dish?

  12. oh p.s. dont eat at fast food places in spokane i got food poisin from the A&w

  13. Do you think that a SGA character will ever ascend in a episode?
    Could Atlantis be haunted by the ancients?

  14. I only just read yesterday’s post and I just wanted to say that this bit

    “Answer: We do have plans for Elizabeth.”

    put a huge smile on my face. Thank you. 🙂 It’s amazing how just a few words can give you such a great start to the day.

    🙂 Thanks 🙂

  15. LOL! I just love reading these emails where you’re messing with this guy. It’s just too much! You are so wicked!

    Answer: I never watched it – but Marty G. was a big fan.

    I just finished a marathon of watching the several seasons I just bought on DVD. If you’ve never watched it, I highly recommend it. It’s really a smart show. 🙂

  16. Keep up the correspondence Mr. Hazzencockle.

    How do you pronounce “Aloysius?”

    Thanks for answering my (and Zabadoo’s) question about the lengths of the SG-1 movies!

  17. Answer: Try “I’m an enthusiastic worker with boundless energy who will see a job through to the end regardless of the commitment demanded. Also, I am good at starting small fires.”

    How’d you know about those fires? Because the one at the gym was obviously not my fault as I was off shift, and the one at the bowling alley was caused by the contractor! Okay, my troops might have been observing, but the contractor did it! Thank goodness the fire department is part of my squadron!

    Thanks for the advice, I think it went pretty well. If not, do you know if Ali has a friend who also needs an heir? 🙂

  18. 1) Dr. Mallozzi, regarding the DVD movies, can you say with any confidence that they will be on Blu-Ray as well? Or would that question better be suited for Rob Cooper and Brad Wright?

    2) Also, did Atlantis have any other weapons besides the drones? (Before the Expedition added their equipment?)

  19. Hi Joe,
    1)The yellow flowers may be nasturtium.
    2)I think I told you that someone I know was scammed by the Nigerian e-mail thing, and even when she tried to ignore them, they kept trying to contact her. Looks like you’ve now got a pen pal.
    3)I’ve sent some photos from my trip to the Tower of London to Fondy to forward to you. I thought the “torture” ideas could be used as some form of inspiration for your writing or punishment of kids of the “new fangled orphanage”…Think Ali will be keen on the idea?
    Sis in law

  20. A certain Sheyla shipper’s at it again, hinting at inside information, and a Ronon Keller ship.

    True? False?

    I’m hoping false.

  21. Have you ever visited Salt Spring Island? I was there three years ago and dined at this amazing little restaurant, the Artist’s Bistro. I typically stick to vegetarian fare – but the seafood was incredible! If you’re looking for a nice weekend away during your hiatus – I highly recommend it.

  22. Oh, forgot my other question. Speaking of SGA weaponry, why don’t any members of the Atlantis crew use staff weapons or zats? My husband and I actually just noticed this the other night and were like, “oh, that’s strange.” The only non-military issue weapon we noticed was Ronon’s. Just curious.

  23. Here’s a book question:

    Michael Crichton – thumbs up, middle, or down for uniqueness of the stories he’s written?

  24. Then, the telemarketer: “Yeah, okay it’s a scam. Uh, do you know the score of the game?” Martin: “I think it’s 3-2.” Telemarketer: “Okay. Thanks.” And hangs up.

    Wow, that is freaking hysterical. Did that really happen?

  25. I love the email scam reports. This guy is trying really hard perhaps if applied himself as much as he does in scamming people he would…. I need to take up scamming. Just kidding.

    I live in a town that doesn’t have too many choices in different cuisines. So I ask what is you favorite Mexican dish and your favorite pizza. That is the big choice in my small town.

  26. I know you’ve been silent on the matter to this point, but will Torri be in any eps in the second half of the season?

    If Amanda Tapping is being sincere, even she would like her to remain a part of the show.

    Please pass on to Torri how much her fans love her and her character, and appreciate her work. She’s truly one of a kind.

    Actually, can you pass the same message on to Paul McGillion.

    For me the SGA journey won’t be the same without these two wonderful performers and their characters, to the point where I’m debating whether I ever watch again.

  27. Joe-

    What is your TV guilty pleasure? You know, a show (possibly in reruns) you would never admit you watch? Walker, Texas Ranger? The Girls Next Door? CBS Evening News with Katie Couric?

    I might as well offer mine since I’m asking yours – three-way tie between Murder, She Wrote, Diagnosis Murder and Matlock. I like to say its because Angela, Dick and Andy are such icons and I love their earlier work. Others say I just like watching senior citizens solving mysteries.

  28. I’m enjoying your email exchange with the scammer so much. Hope you’re not using your usual email address, though. The worst thing one can do is reply to spam, etc. It confirms that the email address is a valid one, and they sell the confirmed addresses at a higher price. So the best way to get a ton of spam is to reply to scammers, spammers, etc.

    On another topic: someone wrote a letter to Sci Fi Weekly and named you.

    Now you’re famous 😉

  29. Do the writers have a ‘bible’ for the characters, or are their backstories something that are made up as you go along? For instance, any speculation about whether Sheppard went to the USAF Academy or through ROTC? Does he have a Bachelors or post grad degree? I saw a bio for Sheppard on one of the official sites that said Sheppard’s dad was Col. Sheppard: Is that really part of the show’s canon?

  30. I don’t know whether to applaud the brilliance of your correspondence, or it’s evilness…er, I mean sarcasm, of course. Either way, I am thoroughly enjoying these exchanges.

    Telemarketers. I LOVE speaking with them. On a non-busy day anyway. I have been known to speak many different accents depending on my mood and just what they’re calling about (Them: Hi, you’ve been approved for free window replacements on your home! I’m looking at your housing file right here. Me: I live in an apartment.). Even better though, are campaign calls. Those guys always need a joke to brighten their day…

  31. Surely the Nigerian scammer knows that you’re playing him by now. I watched an NBC deep undercover operation on…well, NBC, a few months back. Wow, it’s amazing how much effort goes into trying to bilk you out a few hundred (thousand) dollars. It’s also amazing just how many sad, stupid and lonely people there are out there who completely fall for this kind of thing (and the online dating scam).

  32. Had a crazy dream last nite, without going into details, you broke your VCR with taco sauce…..okay i’m a little insane. On the topic of Tacos, do you like them?



    et oui on est deja le 4 juillet en france!
    Vous êtes vraiment a Londre?? Dans ve cas vous aussi vous vivez a l heure européen^^!
    Oui c est un trés beau pays!
    Jespert qu il ne pleuvera pas^^
    je suis désolé, je doit deja y aller!^^
    Bon bisou; je vous adors, plein de bonheur pour vous en ce 4 juillet! a demain!!

  34. A caption under a pic in the new GW Robert C. Cooper interview:

    “According to SCI FI, changes like the deaths of characters or villains can be detrimental to an ongoing series.”

    So someone is aware of that. And it’s SCI FI. Why is that happening on Atlantis then? Why oh why? *sigh*

  35. Joe, Joe, Joe!!

    Seriously what are we going to do with you? Poor Ali don’t know who he’s dealing with!! Of course anyone who can write such great stories for SG1 and SGA has to have a wonderful,unusual and maybe even a little twisted imagination. But I love it… This orphanage.. I love the description with the moat and the hot oil .. but do you plan to have any children in it at all? Can one have an orphanless orphanage?

    Take Care


  36. I bow at the feet of your evilness. You’re brilliant!

    I think you’ve had yet a third person write back, this time, judging by the differences in mistakes. You’d think they’d try to have the same guy continue on, for consistency’s sake.

    I can’t wait to hear what he thinks of the castle idea.

  37. — A.A. writes: “…the ones that makes the calls (you, of course) seemed very surprised of all the fan-wank arouse by the changes.”
    Answer: Believe me. I was far from surprised —

    Believe me, I completely believe you (oddly, I know). Thanks for your reply, Mr. Mallozzi, and good luck with the second half of the four season…

  38. I sincerely hope Ali is having as much fun with these emails as you are 🙂

  39. “There are some plates that are certainly typical of Quebec”
    Did you ever try poutine? (the meal not the guy! ;))
    And if you did, what did you think of it?

  40. Hey Joe! I was just wondering, during the hiatus do you meet up with cast and crew members for drinks/meals etc or are you sick of the sight of them by now? 🙂

  41. Ah, man… these scam stories are priceless!

    Mmmm… d’la poutine… une fois par mois, pas plus. Avec du fromage qui fait squick squick…

  42. I’m not sure if its considered “Canadian Cuisine” but here in Newfoundland we have what’s called Fish and Brewis. You can no doubt find the recipe online.

  43. Joe, how do you get to be so cool? The email scammer responses are hilarious! I loved the bit about the landlord and the vat of oil.

    Are you going to go see Transformers? I went to it last night and thought it was the best movie I’ve seen all summer. Brilliant special effects and action, the plot…eh, not so much, but you can’t go in expecting a cinematic masterpiece out of a huge robot battle action movie anyway. If you want some mindless fun, I’d suggest it.

    One last thing. How do you feel about certain “fans” trying to sabotage the show? There’s a group on Livejournal solely dedicated to boycotting the show, but they’re not too big in numbers. Is it discouraging kind of thing or a more obnoxious?

  44. Yo yo yo…just a question. Have you ever touched, or seen, any of the mecha anime? Gundam Wing, Gundam Seed? Ever touch the Tenchi series?

  45. Another really funny blog entry Joe. I noticed that Michael’s last blog for “Unending” made best blog under Blog Watch in TV Guide. It was an excellent blog by Michael and I’m glad to see TV Guide finally giving Stargate more coverage. Better late than never I guess.

  46. Okay, so no great alliance members are crossing over…

    Does that mean you get to create all new ‘great alliances’? And what are you planning to do with the Asgard puppets now?

  47. “Pip! Pip! Top of the mornin’ to you, guv! Fancy a shag?” Hehe, I wouldn’t suggest using that as a chat up line here in England, you might get a slap 😉

    Are we expecting a soft reset out of the second movie, a bit like the end of season 8 was?


  48. Canadain Cuisine is as simple as this…Poutine! The greatest Canadain Invention EVER. Is there anything other than the poutine that Canadians classify as their food?

  49. melissa said: “Is there anything other than the poutine that Canadians classify as their food?”

    Just off the top of my head: tourtiere, beaver tails (actually a pastry), Nanaimo bars, butter tarts, Coffee Crisp….

    Generally, when restauranteurs and gourmands talk about “Canadian cuisine”, they really don’t mean any dishes in particular (for example, Peking duck for the Chinese, sushi for the Japanese, spanakopita for the Greeks, etc.). They usually mean the use of Canadian ingredients or anything grown/raised/caught in Canada. So, if you included Arctic char or Atlantic lobster in your cooking, for example, that would be “Canadian cuisine”, regardless of how it is prepared.

  50. Joe,

    I was wondering why you guys don’t participate in the Leo awards anymore? I know that Amanda and Michael were nominated a number of times from season 3 through season 8. I remember someone from the Leo Awards saying that the Producers from Stargate didn’t want to participate in season 9. Was there a reason why you guys stopped participating after season 8?

  51. *waves*

    It’s been a rough week, and i’m just about brain dead. Have you got any yummy puzzle type spoilers (ala NOAS) that you could share to finish me off, so that I can pull a sickie tomorrow? ;o)


  52. Hey Joe, how’s it going.

    Are the films shot like films, or they extra-long episodes. I mean, the scope of the Stargate universe is HUGE, and by nature television would have a tough time depicting that. Now that we’ve got films coming, do have have sweeping landscape shots, cinematic camerawork, etc.?

    Oh, I know this is a few days ago, but Happy Canada Day to you. I’m not Canadian, so I just remembered.

  53. Ahoy there, Joe,

    or… should I say… Aloysius P. Hazzencockle? If that is your real name…

    This guy must be very desperate if he actually thinks you’re this Hazzencockle guy. How was London, btw? Did you see any giraffes while there? (;P… hey, if there are Koalas in Argentina, then there are Giraffes in England.)

    So, I’m impressed at the number of my favourite children’s/young adult shows you’ve worked on in the past… it must be your sense of humour… I can’t believe you wrote for/produced Big Wolf on Campus… that show was so random, I loved it. 😀

    Take care,
    Ayla McKay
    Nova Scotia

  54. Hi Joe,

    look what I found today in my mail. Sounds familiar?!?

    Hello dear
    comppliments of the day, how are you today, i hope you are fine. my name is rita williams, i am the only daughter of my father. My father is geneeral donatus williams, the former director of cocoa export in my country(cote d’ ivoire) who is now dead.
    I am writing to solicit your assistance in helping me keep and invest in your country the sum of $5.5million u.s dollars.this money deposited by my late father in finance firm in dakar senegal, under my name. This money was realised from cocoa export. Just a couple of weeks ago, i was informed about this fund by the finance firm where my father deposited it. I have visited the finance firm here in senegal to accretion the jenuity of the fund.
    However, the finance company could not release the fund to me on the condition that i have to provide somebody who is up to 30yrs who can stand as a trustee ,so that they can be able to hand the person over the money for safe keeping and investment until i am up to 30yrs since i am only 26yrs or i have to wait until i am up 30yrs before they can release the box to me. At the moment, i am financially handicapped that i can not afford to wait for the next 4yrs before the money could be released to me. That is why i write to request from you if you will be disposed in helping me keep and invest this money without the knowledge of anybody.
    I will offer you a reasonable % out of this money or we can enter into partnership at the end of the day. my regards,
    rita williams

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