I was worried. I hadn’t heard from Ali (see my June 29th-30th entries) all weekend. Had he grown tired of me so soon? Had he found an easier mark elsewhere? Had he caught on? Well, there was a new email sitting in my inbox this morning:
“Dear Hazzencockle,
I,m glad to recieve your mail instantly.This alone gives me joy that you are one, i could trust in this work of humanity.Ofcourse my health is so diverstating but my disk-top computer is handy for me enough to try my hands still in my wheel chair.
As in regard to the names you proposed they are all good and very much appreciated but i would like you to make it a joint name of both you and i since you are going to be my next of kin and beneficiary. It was also very sad to read about your experience with scammer, this was also my experience ten years ago and this why i,am praying that i do not fall into such hands again as well as making sure i know whom i,am dealing with in this matter. For all those loses Allah i guess is now trying to pay you in return.
I wish to correct your impression and draw your attention to my initial mail , i,am a citizen of Argentina.who has worked so hard in an oil and gas company ( SHELL ) in Nigeria where i,am now on a sick bed .My prayers to Allah is to still keep me alive to withness that i transfer the whole lot of my wealth to a next of kin than leaving all this effort in Nigeria before death comes calling on me.
On a daily bases,i only look up to Allah i,am afraid i will die, as i told you before do as fast as possible to forward me your bank information so as to instruct the bank to transfer the fund to you to commence the orphanage foundation .Continue to pray for me,Allah will bless you, call me with this number (…) thank you .
Regards
Engr. Ali.”
Okay. This could probably go on forever. It’s very clear that the lure of money is too great for these guys to pass up. I should just move on. But, in the words of Ebola Monkey Man: “I wanted to get their hopes up and waste their time. After all, time is money when you are scamming.” And so, with apologies to the Monkey Man, a pioneer in the field of scam baiting, I sent Ali the following response:
“Wait, Ali! Don’t die yet! We still have the orphans to help! Think of the children!
It sounds like you are truly at death’s door and that each email I receive from you may well be the last. This saddens me for many reasons, not the least of which being the solid bond of friendship I feel we have cemented over the course of our correspondence that may soon fizzle away like not so much as cotton candy on a Chevy convertible‘s black leather interior on a hot summer day. And so, I am of two minds. On the one hand, I want to send you my banking information and passport and get the ball rolling (they sit here on my coffee table as I write), but on the other hand I’m afraid that if we pursue this business venture, I will grow too attached to you. Recently, I’ve lost too many things that were dear to me (my great aunt Hortensia during a black op run in Mozambique, my prized lizard Mercutio from a stomach ailment, and Gilmore Girls which, as I’m sure you already know, ended after an all-too-brief 7-season run), and the thought of losing you as well may be just too much for me at this point in my life. Is it possible that the doctor’s grim prognosis is wrong? Have you exhausted all avenues in the search of a cure for your condition? Have you looked into the healing power of mangosteen?
As I mentioned in my previous letter, I’m traveling to London where I’m to meet with a representative of the UK Lottery Company in order to pay off the $10 000 required to free up my lottery winnings. The next time you hear from me, I will be a very rich man! Also, forgive my ignorance but I had no idea that Argentina was not within driving distance of London. Back in high school, geography was my worst subject as the mittens they would make us wear (so that we wouldn’t hurt ourselves) made it very difficult for me to draw the maps. Still, I would love to visit some day. In the words of the denizens of your homeland: “Crikey, mate! I think it’d be a beaut to visit your bush!”
Finally, if we do decide to move forward on this, I think it is imperative that we finalize the name of our orphanage. Often, these things are left for last and then, when the time comes, it causes just too many problems. So here are some more suggestions. Let’s nail this sucker down:
ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE’S HOME FOR WAYWARD YOUTH in memory of Ali Abbas
ALI IN THE FAMILY – HOME FOR ORPHANS AND ALOYSIUS P. HAZZENCOCKLE
HAZZENCOCKLE’S HACIENDA OF LOVE AND CARING AND ALI
THE HOUSE THAT GOD (AND 38.5 MILLION DOLLARS) BUILT
Anyhoo, let me know which one appeals and we can discuss further.
Finally, and I don’t mean to sound overly critical or insensitive because I realize you have less than three months to live and are friendless and paralyzed, but would it kill you to be a little more upbeat? Your emails are a little depressing and my life counselor says that’s the last thing I need right now.
Keeping you in my prayers and favorite file,
See-ya cobber,
Aloysius P. Hazzencockle”
Let’s move on to the viewer mail –
Vikitty writes: “Or are you going to stick to just one other puppy you won’t be getting?”
Answer: No idea. At this point, I’m just going along or the ride
PG15 writes: “Is Julian Sands in/going to be in/was in Stargate SG1: The Ark of Truth?”
Answer: Yep.
Lisa Gabi Marie writes: “DO you usually attend a lot of festivals and would you travel to one?”
Answer: Unless they’re food-related, not much chance. And even then.
Lisa S. writes: “When a costume requires chainmail is it made in-house?”
Answer: It is. But I would call it more “chain mail-esqe”
OhioAnne writes: “So, if you have no plans for Ford and, since you have “admitted” that you are doing a “Ford” on Elizabeth…”
Answer: We do have plans for Elizabeth.
Anonymous #1 writes: “Seeing as how you snipped my entire post let’s just clarify for the sake of honesty and full-disclosure that the use of “incredible” is (…) in a good way. I for one will (…) be reading it again – (…) listening to it (…) – as it was funny (…) and some of what he’s got to say just makes one sit and wonder”
Answer: Okay, okay. I get it. You LOVED Rob’s interview. It’s great to hear that his words connected with you on that level. And thanks for writing to clarify.
Shawna writes: “Are we ever going to get a good old-fashioned straight-up “mirror universe” episode where the Atlantis expedition are invaders and everyone’s evil?”
Answer: No plans to but I’ve always enjoyed AU episodes. In season 5 perhaps?
UberAmandaFan writes: “Will the fans get any kind of sneak peek at Season 4 beyond that preview video on the SG-1 site?”
Answer: I have no idea what Sci Fi has planned.
UberAmandaFan also writes: “Also…regarding AoT and Continuum…will you all be releasing any kind of preview clips or promo pictures?”
Answer: I believe the season 10 box sets will include a couple of previews.
Sistine Spy writes: “What is your absolute favorite part about producing a show like stargate atlantis?”
Answer: Working with some very talented people.
Sistine Spy also writes: “Which task do you dread the most?”
Answer: Sitting down to start work on a script.
A.A. writes: “…the ones that makes the calls (you, of course) seemed very surprised of all the fan-wank arouse by the changes.”
Answer: Believe me. I was far from surprised.
Wolfen writes: “Awwww, Kobe kawaii desu!!”
Answer: O genki desu ka?
J.W. writes: “You do realise Argentina is in South America…”
Answer: Of course. We’re in North America. Argentina is in South America. That’s why we call it “down under”.
Gate Geek writes: “So have you ever had a slice of cheddar cheese with apple pie?”
Answer: I haven’t but, hey, I’ve tried tripe so I’d be willing to give it a go.
Ben writes: “1 ) Have you seen any good anime lately? 2A) Are you a fan of Iron Man?
2B) What are your thoughts on the upcoming Iron Man film? 3 ) Any plans to include story from the more alien races? (Gadmeer, Energy-entity, foothold aliens, furlings, Serrakin, etc.) 4 ) What ever became of Danials grandfather, the one who went with the giant alien?”
Answers: 1) The last great anime I watched was Gankutsuo. 2) Sure. 2b) I know nothing about it. No opinion. 3) Possibly. 4) Good question.
Zabadoo writes: “1.)I read somewhere that Rainbow Sun Francks would always show up late for work, even when he was a guest star and that was why he was fired. Is that true?
2.)What was your favorite episode of Season 10 of SG-1? 3.)What about season 3 of Atlantis? 4.)What are the approximate lengths of Continuum and The Ark of Truth, are they closer to 90 or 120 minutes?”
Answers: 1) That’s all news to me – and I was working on the show at the time. 2) Quest II 3) Vengeance.
Leave a Reply