Joseph Mallozzi's Weblog

With Fondy awash in doggy-related paraphernalia, I was on my own for lunch today and, rather than celebrate my last Friday of my hiatus with a tin of Brunswick sardines and a bottle of spring water, I decided to go the Lonely Guy route and treat myself to a table for one at Fuel. Since…

Oh, dear. How depressing. My three-week hiatus is almost over and what have I got to show for it? One script completed, less than 20 books read, and a peeling sunburn. Speaking of reading, I’m just about to finish up on Terry Pratchett’s The Light Fantastic, a delightfully wicked read, and one sorely needed after…

Last night, Fondy and I had dinner at Feenies. Not long after beating Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto in the infamous Battle Crab, chef Rob Feenie incorporated a couple of his winning creations into the standing menu. Alas, those selections are long gone, but many of Feenie’s favorites remain including his calamari sandwich, Feenie Burger and…

The sad thing about trying to correspond with scammers is that you rarely hear back from them after the initial missive. More often than not, they just give up and try their luck elsewhere which makes for a depressingly empty junk folder. And just when I figured Ali was a delightful exception to the rule,…

My comfy seat afforded me an unobstructed view through the restaurant’s big bay window to the neighboring KFC parking lot where the shirtless crystal meth addict was putting on a grand performance: pacing, gesticulating wildly, muttering to himself. “What are you looking at?”asked Fondy, craning her neck to peer out the window, no doubt suspecting…

Well, after calculating my carbon footprint and subtracting the amount I will personally be saving the environment by following the ten-pronged strategy outlined in yesterday‘s blog entry, it turns out that I am now OWING carbon emissions. As a result, I have had to take up cigar smoking to make up the difference, thereby attaining…

My cell phone battery died yesterday so I had to pick up a new one. As I completed the purchase, the salesman informed me that he had put the new battery in the phone and packed the old one away for me to take home. Take home? What the hell was I going to do…

The “investment specialist” greeted me with a “Hi, I’m Sean” and a firm, all-business handshake. “Joe,”I replied, looking him in the eye so as not to let my eyes wander over his not-quite-convincing ensemble: white shirt, brown tie, cream suit. He looked, I thought, like a kid playing banker. Hmmm. Did I really want to…

Well, it’s been two days since I last heard from my Nigerian pen pal. I fear that he has left this cruel, cruel world for a far better place - or, at the very least, a more gullible and less loquacious patsy. And it was while I was mourning the loss of dear old Ali…

Happy Fourth of July to our neighbors down south! Also, Happy National Country Music Day! AND Happy Tom Sawyer Fence-Painting Day! I celebrated all three by working on my script. It reads pretty solid to me. But then again, I’m the guy who wrote it. Wait until the other writers get their critical little fingers…

There were some pansies, some flox, and what I thought may have been buttercups but I couldn’t be sure. The assortment would have made for a lovely bouquet, but as far as salads went, this one left a lot to be desired. We were at Chow for lunch. My pretty little salad accompanied a pulled…

I was worried. I hadn’t heard from Ali (see my June 29th-30th entries) all weekend. Had he grown tired of me so soon? Had he found an easier mark elsewhere? Had he caught on? Well, there was a new email sitting in my inbox this morning:“Dear Hazzencockle, I,m glad to recieve your mail instantly.This alone…

Today, we headed down to the corner of 29th and Boundary where I scored a half kilo of pure Greek Gold, a.k.a Hellenic Heat, a.k.a spit-roasted lamb. While everyone else is off celebrating Canada Day, Fondy and I were in Burnaby celebrating Greek Fest. Although the celebrations kicked off a couple of days ago, festivities…

Those of your who bothered to read yesterday’s blog entry know all about the heart-rending email I received from the poor unfortunate who reached out to me from his death-bed in Argentina to request my help in founding an orphanage in his name. I was touched. Touched by the prospect of granting a dying man’s…

Every so often, sobering reality intrudes on the shallow mirth that typifies this blog. Today, I received a heartbreaking (unsolicited) email that I just happened to rescue from my junk folder through sheer luck, the grace of God, and a passing interest in a preceding message promising “Turbo Charged Grass Seed!”. At first, I assumed…