I have questions for your film, set in the 1970’s that, oddly, borrows much of its visual style from music videos of the 1980’s…

Why didn’t you hire an actual editor to work on your film rather than, say, some Yes Man or Woman happy to defer to the whims of your self-indulgent director? You’re not remaking Lawrence of Arabia.  It’s a fucking horror movie.  Keep it under two hours.  The “elevated” in the hipster douchebag term “elevated horror” is NOT a synonym for “elongated”.  If you’re truly at a loss as to how to trim down your goddamn precious oeuvre, might I suggest starting with the 15 minute Old Man Walking montage.

Speaking of which – why not cast an old man to play an old man?  I mean, sure, there’s probably some meaningful meta-commentary you’re trying to make about casting in today’s Hollywood, but you’re social posturing to the detriment of your film.  Spend a little more money to ensure the bottom half of your faux “old man’s” face actually moves instead of looking like a latex mask.

Was it your intention to specifically tailor your film to fans of Aranofsky’s Mother with a coincidental appreciation for arterial spray and exploding heads?

Shouldn’t a movie’s subplots somehow at some point in some small way tie into the main storyline?  Consider this one more of a rhetorical question.

Aren’t horror movies supposed to be, y’know, scary?  Sorry, this one’s rhetorical as well.

Just curious.

8 thoughts on “November 5, 2018: Dear, Suspiria…

  1. Okay, you sure did not enjoy THAT film.
    I won’t be viewing it as I am not fond of horror.

    Well, I had better luck Joe. I saw Hunter Killer, the submarine film. I liked it pretty well, except for a few things.
    The president was a sad Hillary-esque sort, and not written or acted well. Gary Oldman was unconvincing as Chief of the Joint Chiefs. Gerard Butler was great as unconventional Captain. Two scenes with the EXO yelling at the Captain (in suspenseful moments), in front of crew was not believable.
    Underwater scenes were great. Interiors of subs (US & Russian) also great. I pay attention to set designs/props and they were excellent. A few goofs with uniforms. The Navy Seals were the most sympathetic and heroic guys.

    I recommend you see it too!

  2. Based on your comments, I’m going to go out on a limb and say you didn’t like the movie. The picture is just weird. Sort of macrame dresses?

  3. I’m a little suspicious of all remakes, besides True Grit and maybe one or two others I can’t recall just now. The Fargo T.V. show was a nice “continuum” of the film…but anyways, let’s have some new takes Hollyrock!

  4. Oh man, that review is priceless. 😀

    I guess, just like Halloween, i’ll go ans watch the original one I’ve never seen.

    Fortunately, I saw the Evil Dead ones on their release, back in the days. Before the reboot. Pfew, honor is safe. 😀 😛

  5. So, you really liked Suspiria, huh? They lost me at “world-renowned dance company”. Unless that dance company dances into a wood-chipper, I have absolutely no interest in this film.

    Good callback to “Mother”. Gods that movie sucked. I adore Jennifer Lawrence, and appreciate Javier Bardem the appropriate amount, and I could barely make it through that piece of shit. Darren Aronofsky should dance into that aforementioned wood-chipper just for making it a thing.

  6. Well, I enjoyed the movie. I thought it was better than the original and there is no point bringing up Mother! which was utter trash and no comparison to real art house horror.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.