Spent half the day undergoing my annual health assessment.  As far as I can tell (pending the results of the blood test), I’m as healthy and hopelessly out of shape as ever!

Other things I have learned:

I read better when I wear my reading glasses.

My sense of balance is atrocious, making me a poor candidate for that heist team member who has to negotiate a building-bridging telephone line like a tightrope walker.

I really don’t like needles.  ESPECIALLY when they’re piercing my flesh.  And ESPECIALLY when they’re used with the express purpose of drawing blood from my arm only to fail – twice! – and have to tap a vein in my OTHER arm!

I also really don’t like the sight of my own blood leaving my body.

It’s very hard to keep your eye open/from watering when you know it’s going to be blasted with a puff of air.

My grip strength is decidedly average.

During an ultrasound, never joke about wanting to know the sex of the baby.

I have a truly terrible sense of coordination, making me a poor candidate for that heist team member who has to negotiate the laser maze.

When you’re unable to provide a urine sample is when they need it and when you ARE able to provide a urine sample, they don’t want it.  (Solution: Always carry one around with you, just in case!)

The likelihood of your agent getting back to you in a speedy manner is inversely proportional to your desire to get an answer to that question you asked him.

14 thoughts on “October 30, 2018: Things I learned today!

  1. Look at it this way, in case of an alien abduction or government experiment, they choose the best specimens so… you’re safe!

  2. The body isn’t very cooperative when it comes to good health versus yummy food and desk work. As George Bernard Shaw said, “Youth is wasted on the young.” I wouldn’t trade all my life’s experiences to start over again, but I really wish my body could maintain my 25 year old body. It sucks getting (physically) old.

    The positive side is you are active with walking the dogs and a fair amount of social interaction. That works in your favor. Plus, you keep mentally active.

    My husband, Bruce, hates needles. He can totally relate to your distress with blood work.

    As for agents, well…

  3. Regarding times to never make a joke in your doctor’s office: Never make your doctor laugh while he’s giving you a digital rectal prostate exam.

    Learned that one the hard way.

  4. I don’t mind needles. I love watching them go in and the blood coming out. I wouldn’t want to do it to myself so I’d probably make a lousy IV drug user but I’m fine when someone else is doing it to me.

    I haven’t been to the doctor for many, many years. I probably should go for a checkup sometime. I definitely need to go to the optometrist and get my eyes checked. My arm is almost too short to get things in focus anymore. 🙁

  5. This is one of the reasons I keep reading your blog posts. Your writing. It always makes me smile or laugh out loud. And yes I feel your pain. At 51 years old being a part-time artist has made me less than healthy. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t been producing much artwork lately. I’ve been running and working out and cutting back on my eating since early July to turn that around. So I’m happy to say that in that time I’ve managed to lose 35 lbs!

  6. Needles, meh. For drawing blood or vaccines, I don’t mind. For an IV, yeah, not my favorite thing. I’ve had enough over the years I have a divot over the big happy veins.

    The air puffy eye thing can go suck an egg.

    @Thogar, I can relate. I have a very inappropriate story about a handsome flight surgeon, the stand by nurse, and the aftermath of an ill-timed jest during the digital portion of a gyn exam. Oh my.

  7. Those puffy eye things are outdated. I have really bad eyes and started wearing glasses at 3. It always took me a few tries on that machine. I’m glad my eye dr upgraded. Probably saves him tons of time. 😉

    Try yoga if you want to work on your balance.

    I don’t mind needles.

    Thanks for the laugh this morning and I’m glad you’re check up went well.

  8. “As far as I can tell, I’m as healthy and hopelessly out of shape as ever!” – I’m with ya buddy!

    “Always carry one around with you, just in case!” – I’m going to start doing this today.

  9. I too am severely needle phobic.
    My coping strategy when I have to go in for labs:
    I make them keep all instruments covered till I close my eyes
    and keep them closed until its all over.
    At no time should I ever see the instruments or blood.
    The technician has to verbally warn me with “123 little stick”,
    keep talking to me while they are doing it
    and assure me when they are almost finished.
    If a technician in any way seems inexperienced or insensitive,
    I demand they get a tech who knows what they are doing
    and is experienced at dealing with belonephobia.
    (I usually notify the lab prior to making the appointment
    about the phobia and explain my requirements).
    Its never easy for me, but I manage to get through it.

    Terribly sorry to hear about your lack of
    balance and coordination
    but very glad to here you are going to live.
    Oh well. There goes my plan to get you laced up
    and out on the local rink to teach you ice dancing
    whenever you finally win the lotto jackpot
    and come to visit each and everyone of us across the U.S.
    Guess you will just have to settle for an evening of heavenly
    greek home cooking, something pistachio for desert
    and interesting conversation with a bunch of science geeks.
    Yes. I know. Bummer, eh? 🙁
    Albeit, I’m confident the maturity and wisdom of your years
    will eventually help you get past it.

  10. “…..I’m confident the maturity and wisdom of your years
    will eventually help you get past it.”

    oops. There i go again. Confusing phrasing.
    Sorry, my old lady brain often gets stuck in the past.

  11. My doctor’s visit was…contentious. We will leave it at that. 😛

    My husband doesn’t always have access to a bathroom when working, so he carries a handy-dandy Gatorade bottle in the back of his van.

    A word of advice – No matter how thirsty you are, never, EVER take a swig from the Gatorade bottle in the back of my husband’s van.

    Jus’ saying.

    das

  12. I feel your pain, I just did my physical, labs and eye exam, and I still have to get my dental cleaning. I feel like a prize winning pumpkin on a flatbed truck, ready to be displayed, tapped and weighed.

    For balance I’m doing a Ballet workout, which is me hanging onto a chair for dear life as I do deep plies. The movement is graceful but it feels like weak muscles I’ve never used have awakened in terror at the monstrous strain. I can only manage a few minutes before I have to stop but it has boosted my balance tremendously. Turns out my muscles aren’t just for sitting. You’re probably not supposed to scream out as much as I do during this workout: https://youtu.be/036qwoYP5tA

  13. Wow, it sounds like you got the full meal deal. Is there anything they DIDN’T test you for? I hope you went and had a treat afterward. SOMA sounds in order.

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