I received the terrible news this morning while I was still in bed.  “The internet is down,”said Akemi.

“Did you try rebooting?”I asked.

When she told me she had, I didn’t think much of it.  There have been countless times where I have had to act as IT guy for her various computer issues.  Granted, the depth of my repertoire consists of asking her to reboot and, if that doesn’t work, hopping on google, but it has sufficed in the past.  And so, I assumed, it would this time as well.  Until I rolled over to check my phone and realized…

The internet was down!

I jumped out of bed and unplugged, then plugged in the router.  Nothing!

I texted Ivon to find out if he was experiencing trouble with his wireless.  HIS wireless was fine!  WTF???  We have the same internet provider!

So I called our internet provider and was informed they were aware of the problem and it was a service issue.  I pointed out that my friend, who lives in the same building, has experienced no problems with HIS internet.  Their response was the equivalent of a half-hearted shrug and a “What can you do?”  Still, they assured me that their crack team was working on it and that my internet access would be restored…


IN 24 TO 48 HOURS!!!

Holy Hell!  I may as well be on Mars or in the middle of the Sahara or my mom’s place in Montreal!

I tell ya, there’s nothing like being cut off from the rest of humanity to really make you take stock in things like life’s capricious nature and that script rewrite you’ve got to deliver before week’s end.

Well, tomorrow I am off for my annual physical.  I’ll be getting pinched, prodded, and bled after which they will test my physical endurance by making me run (for the first since we knocked over that liquor store back in 2016!).  I will have to submit a three day food journal that Akemi has forced me to answer truthfully (“Hey!  Where’s your afternoon lattes?!!!) and then demonstrate such feats of physical prowess as my inability to touch my toes or stand on one foot with my eyes closed.

Wish me luck!

14 thoughts on “October 29, 2018: I’m like Tom Hanks in that movie where he’s adrift with no internet! What was it? Big?

  1. OMG! A food journal?? And here I just finished a bologna sandwich for supper. Glad its you and not me! Good luck!

    Just read one of your books. And ask for a prorated bill. 🙂

    PS: I thought the last time you ran was from that knife wielding man In the Tokyo train station?

  2. I hear ya about the Internet being down. I’ve gotten spoiled through the years. Can you believe we grew up without it!? That’s something my son can’t say. 😉

    My mom has a little internet now but she unplugs the router when we leave. 😳

  3. No internet is the worst & using our phones as hotspots is akin to dial-up. Though I have to admit a slow connection is far, far superior to NO connection.

    Also, you’ve solved the secret to effective IT support:1)Ask the user to power cycle the device (Fixes 75% of all problems.) & if that doesn’t work 2)Google the shit out of it. Congrats! Now you, too, can be an effective IT support technician.

    I really don’t mind annual physicals so much. They beat a colonoscopy by a mile just because you don’t have to drink 5 gallons of slimy industrial laxative AND NOTHING ELSE over a 24 hour period. But after that, sleeping through a colonoscopy wins, I just don’t like the price of, um, admission.

    Lucky me, I don’t have to run on the treadmill for my physicals. Since running is damaging to my busted spine I get THE INJECTION! Yeah, they have an injection that’s basically “liquid running”. I had no freaking idea until I had my first physical at 50. The injection makes you feel like you’re having a heart attack. Your heartbeat races, you get flush, start sweating, dizzy, heavy breathing, muscles tense … it’s so weird. Then, once they’ve seen enough they give me something that just turns it off. It’s all the fun of going for a run without all that pesky fresh air and beautiful outdoor vistas.

    BTW, at least you can see your toes to touch ’em.

  4. Food diary, huh? I wish my husband would listen to me like you listen to Akemi.

    In related news, my dentist declared my teeth “perfect” today. One less thing to worry about.

  5. LOL @Thogor “It’s all the fun of going for a run without all that pesky fresh air and beautiful outdoor vistas.” I have the same injection. It really feels strange!

    Every year you get a physical and every year you stress. You’ll be fine. Especially with Akemi keeping you honest. 🙂

  6. I THINK the Tom Hanks movie is Joe vs Volcano (’90) where he is trapped on a raft made of travel trunks with an unconscious Meg Ryan, drifting on the open ocean with nothing but a world radio to listen to and no means of communicating with the outside world.

  7. LOL…you panic over such silly things (says the person who panics when the internet is down…).

    I have never had my doctor do any of the things they make you do. I really don’t get the idea of a physical…they just weigh me and take my bp and temp and tell me to lose weight. They don’t even make me stand up! We have lazy doctors, I think. Speaking of which, I’m actually going to the doc tomorrow, too. It’s just to see if my bp has come down after a medication adjustment.

    However, we’re in the middle of a kitchen redo (paint, countertop, flooring) which will have the kitchen and utility room in a state of Apocalyptic chaos for about a month or so, making it necessary to put off the Crappy Tunnel surgery I was supposed to have before my hand becomes a useless hunk of meat dangling at the end of my arm like some sort of a bloated bovine udder – also complicated by the fact that my sister can’t come up from Florida to help with mom right now because my b-i-l just had surgery – so I’m guessing my bp is a bit worse rather than better…also complicated by the fact that I’m stress-eating way more salt and chocolate than I should be.

    Aaaaaand I apologize for that last rambling sentence.

    Actually, no I don’t. Just think of it as Herman Melvillian prose with less-impressive words. 😀


  8. Joe, did you see Frankie Drake on CBC last night. Anthony Lemke and Natalie Brown had a scene together (I don’t think they interacted though).It was really nice to see the pair again!

  9. Ah, so your internet was down the same day I had a colonoscopy? Must be a conspiracy!

    Maybe you could take one of your worn t-shirts and make a stuffed Joe for Suji to cuddle with?

  10. I call BS. They are just trying to keep you grounded while they prepare the party for your 200th. Cue the puppets

  11. What do you mean your internet is down? Don’t you just say “Computer, status report” like Picard does?
    Re: having your physical, just remember, when the doc approaches you with the gloved hand and tells you to bend over, close your eyes and think of Canada !

  12. No internet??? I’m keeling over here at the thought of it!! I’ve had to deal with it a few times (I live in the boonies and we lose power on occasion) but it’s a nightmare to deal with indeed.

    Good luck on that food journal thing….

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