October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!

Watching dis movie be like getting together wit former girlfriend after several years.  You tink it be a great idea but, when show up for date, you diskover she really let herself go, embittered wit life, and spend most of evening telling tasteless jokes and trying to sell you on Amway.  At end of de night, you go home feeling sad, cheap, and gross.  Also poorer becuz you bought box of multivitamins and six pack of men’s fragrance dat smell like eau de Grover’s toilet.

October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!
Yo, Kick-Ass.  Try to keep up.

Movie open on Hit Girl and Dave (aka Kick-Ass) in training.  He a wimp but she tuffening him up by beating de living crap out of him and, occasionally, shooting him.  Dey going to be de greatest team-up since Punisher and Archie!  UNTIL Hit Girl’s step dad make her promise to give up superheroing and just be a normal girl. Haha!  Right.  De Hit Girl we know from last movie would never agree so…Oh.  She does agree?  Haha!  Right.  But de Hit Girl we know from last movie might agree but would never really give up being a superhero…Oh.  She does?

Yes, for some reason, she agree and den spend big chunk of movie “trying to fit in” wit other high schoolers.   Dis plot development offer plenty of opportunities for hilarious fish-out-of-water scenes as Hit Girl try to akt like a normal teen. Unfortunately, it make absolutely no sense.  It be totally out of charakter for de Hit Girl we knew from last movie but,  luckily, cliquey high school girls also akt totally out of charakter, inviting her to a sleepover and convincing her to try out for dance team.  While she desperately trying to fit and hilarity ensuing, monster wonder: “What happened to terrific rebellious kid from last movie?”.

October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!
Alrighty, den!

Meanwhile, Dave, aka Kick-Ass, team up wit lame amateur vigilante superheroes lead by Ace Ventura.

October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!
You! Gimme de cash!  You!  Spank me!

Meanwhile, Chris D’Amico, aka Red Mist, come out of retirement and don his dead mom’s S&M ensemble to become…De MUDDERFUCKER!  He also assemble his own lame amateur super villain team.

Scenes of extreme violence ensue but, unlike original, no fun to be had here.   In first movie, action sekwences enjoyable becuz it feature incongruous kid taking out bad guys.  In dis movie, we instead treated to action sekwences of bad guys killing cops in gruesome fashion.  Hohoho!   And, later, Ace Ventura.  Hahahaha!   Oh, and Dave’s dad.  Heeheehee!  At one point, Mudderfucker unable to assault a girl becuz he can’t get erektion!  And it all played for laughs.

Eventually, Hit Girl come out of retirement and join rest of superheroes in warehouse showdown against supervillains.  Ho hum.

October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!
Sorry about getting your dad killed, dude.

Bad guys are defeated and all is forgiven.  Even Todd, Dave’s high school buddy, who joined Team Supervillain, revealed Kick Ass’s true identity, and was direktly responsible for Dave’s dad being murdered, get a pass.  Well, you know what dey say: “Bros before common sense!”

October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster Reviews Kick Ass 2!
So long and tanks for all de fish sticks.

Hit Girl heads off into the sunset disappearing herself and leaving her step-dad to pick up de pieces of the police investigation into her vigilante past – and, presumably, face jail time for aiding and abetting a murderer.

Not so kick-ass.  Aktually, dumb and depressing.  A sekwel in name only.

VERDIKT: If you loved de first movie, you’ll hate dis one.  But if you hated de first movie, you probably won’t hate dis one as much.

RATING: 4 chocolate chippee cookies – except chocolate chippees actually raisins.  Sucker!

10 thoughts on “October 11, 2014: Cookie Monster reviews Kick Ass 2!

  1. TV-viewing tonight was sooooo boring, my 79-year-old Mother actually opted – [for the first time] – to “experience” the watching of “PLAN NINE FROM OUTER SPACE” on PBS!! — And, found it to be hilariously *bad*!

    I think I just felt a *disturbance* in THE FORCE…

  2. Well, that certainly didn’t. Kick-ass, I mean. I agree Cookie, the movie was a big disappointment, like everyone involved was kind of forced/obligated to do a sequel movie but their hearts and minds were just elsewhere. At best, it should have been called Kick Ass (90)2(10). Way to much equivocating and high school drama to remotely live up to its title.

    Plus, as you mention a lot of it just didn’t make sense. The “role” of the police in particular was mystifying. I mean, I know it’s supposed to be cartoonish in its outlook, but stuff still should have some logic. Like at the funeral, where it’s even *specifically noted* that the police are there in case something happens – and when it does they may as well not be there, other than as just more shooting victims. Or when the police car with the lawn mower is backing up toward them and they go, “Is that backing up toward us?” and they just plow into it rather than swerving even slightly to avoid it. Or when Chris and his goons arrive (in full costume) at the police station and conveniently the police just completely leave beforehand. Were they in on it and corrupt? Or just distracted by something shiny? Who knows? Or I guess I should say, who cares?

    Even the fight and action sequences just seemed unimaginative and tired. Bleh.

    Overall, a big disappointment.

  3. I felt the same way Cookie! Plus, I still believe we need a standardize cookie rating. Just saying…..

  4. Well, raisins are better than rat turds. Unless you’ve never accidentally eaten a rat turd, you may not know the difference. So yeah, raisins it is.

  5. I went into this movie expecting to be disappointed but actually ended up enjoying some of it!

    I liked the villains actually doing evil things like killing cops. Most comic book villains are pretty lame. You would think that a super villain would have little regard for human life and yet you rarely see them actually killing people. The violence played for humour ranged between lame and crass but the violence for purely evil’s sake I thought was pretty good. I liked the scene where Chris’s uncle in prison orchestrates the murder of Chris’s bodyguard while Chris listens on the phone. I was sad that Chris didn’t end up enacting revenge. I felt that was a thread that never got resolved.

    I do think things got bogged down in the second act when Mindy was trying to go straight. It did seem very out of character for her to suddenly want to be normal. I get it that she didn’t want to break her promise but I don’t understand why she promised in the first place. The Hit Girl we knew from the first movie wouldn’t even have moved in with a foster parent. She would have been out of there!

    Why didn’t any of the baddies have guns? In the final show down when the League Of Justice or whatever they called themselves turned up why didn’t the baddies just mow them down with a bunch of Uzis? It’s not like the heroes were bullet proof or anything!

    The biggest thing that had me going “WTF?” was the fact the Todd didn’t get his ass kicked for being responsible for Dave’s Dad being killed. Another dangling thread.

    On the whole, I agree with most of your criticisms, Cookie. But I didn’t hate this movie. Maybe my standards are lower than yours but the first movie was so original it is impossible for the sequel to match it. I think they did a reasonable job. Could they have done better? Sure. But they could have done so, so much worse.

  6. If Cookie wants to watch the worse Scifi movie of all time, he should look at Battle of Los Angeles, not to be confused with the Hollywood movie. It aired on Syfy years back. Even having no budget shouldn’t excuse this film, virtually everything that you could think of is wrong with it, including the writing lol

  7. Nearly swallowed my gum laughing at the idea of Archie and Punisher teaming up. I guess the mandate to make it all about Hit Girl and try to appeal to the Hunger Games and Divergent crowd led the movie astray but I some of the fight scenes and the Sick Stick.

  8. @Randomness, da hell? I love Battle Los Angeles; marines versus aliens mano a mano in LA. It’s even better when you skip over some of the whiny exposition bits and focus on the big fight scenes.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.