HB posterMonster pleasantly surprised by first Hellboy so, of course, me expeckt less of de same from de sekwel becuz, after all, it be a sewkwel. Remember Hangover II?  Blues Brothers 2000?  Citizen Kane II: The Quickening?  But Hellboy II: The Golden Army out-surprise de first Hellboy.  It a movie wit even more heart, even more humor, even more spekatcular visual effekts – but also, at times, even more problems.

Big Red
Big Red

Movie begin wit old professor telling young Hellboy legend of The Golden Army.  It go someting like dis:  Humans jerks so goblins build mekanical army for King of Elves who use it to kick ass.  Truce called and magik crown dat control army get broken into tree pieces.  Dis piss off young elf Prince Nuada who go into exile to sulk.

High five!
High five!

But he not sulk for long.  Mebbe only a few centuries.  And when a piece of de crown show up at auktion, he also show up to claim it – and sic creepy little flying “tooth fairy” creatures on everyone.  He den pay his dad, de King, a visit and kill him to get second piece of crown.  But his twin sister, Princess Nuala, run away wit final piece, spoiling brother’s plans.

It’s de wraith!  I mean de elves!

BPRD (Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense) , not to be confused wit BURPED (Bureau for Underwater Paranormal Research and Defense), arrive on scene of auction massakre to investigate, get attacked, and outed.  Now everyone know Hellboy and co. really exist! Cool, no?  How will dis play out in rest of movie?  Oh, it not?  Den never mind.

Government upset, so send in new agent to join Hellboy and co.  DIS guy –

Krauss blow his top.

Johann Krauas be a steampunk German ectoplasmic medium wit attitude.  He be annoying at first but, over course of movie, monster really warm up to him.  In fakt, entire BPRD team – Hellboy, Liz, Abe, Johann, even Tom Manning (played by Jeffrey Tamborine) – be unique, interesting, very likable charakters.  So monster perplexed dat main villain, Prince Nuada, be so dull.  Oh, he very interesting to look at and his fight scenes be great but, at end of de day, he not be partikularly sympathetic or despicable.  He just a little bland.

BPRD visit Troll City where dey find Princess Nuala and bring her back to headquarters.  She flirt wit Abe Sapien who fall head over flippers in love wit her.  Despite being covered in prostetiks, aktor Doug Jones practically steal de movie, delivering terrifik performance as Abe (who could be love child of Fraiser’s Niles Crane and Creature from de Black Lagoon).  In one of movie’s highpoints, Abe and Hellboy bond, booze and brood over deir respektive relationships.  BUT fun time interrupted by Prince Nuada who track down his sister.  Becuz dey be twins, he able to locate her and comes close to finding final piece of magik crown hidden in a book –

When good guys show up.  Prince Nuada fight Hellboy, stick him wit point of magik spear, kidnap his sis and leave.

Broken spear point stuck in Hellboy.  He dying!  Liz, Hellboy and Abe – wit surprize help from Johann – steal plane and go get help.  Dey end up coming across monster who happen to want de spear point and happen to know someone who can get it out (yeah, yeah, me know, me know.  It be a stretch).  Our heroes pay visit to second cousin of creature from Pan’s Labyrinth –

Pan’s Labyrinth?  No.  Dat’s de other guy.

He remove spear point from Hellboy but warn dat, one day, Hellboy will destroy Earth.  But dat’s a story for another time…


Hellboy, Liz, Abe, and Johann track down Prince Nuada and sis.  Abe give up final piece of crown which allow Nuada to awaken Golden Army. Big fight ensue!  Our heroes about to get deir asses kicked when Hellboy challenge Nuada for de crown.  Dey duel.  Hellboy win!  Nuada a sore loser and about to get all stabby-stabby on Hellboy when Princess Nuala stab herself, mortally wounding both her and her brother.  Becuz dat’s what happens when you’re a twin.

Our heroes eskape.  Liz inform Hellboy dat he going to be a dad – of twins!  And Johann Krauss deliver best line of entire movie:

Verdikt: More heart, more humor, more spektacular visual effekts but weak villain and a few contrived moments.  Still, sooper entertaining. Me tink Abe deserve his own spin-off.  Or late night talk show.

Rating: 8 chocolate chippee cookies.

29 thoughts on “February 25, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Hellboy II: The Golden Army!

  1. I am in complete agreement Cookie, one of the better movies in this whole series we’ve watched. So many great moments, but I concur that the villain was just a little too bland. I will say as soon as I saw a physically fit, long-haired albino dude I thought, where’s Das??

    I still like Abe just as much as I did the first movie, perhaps more – he reminds me of C-3PO, I think. Which I guess is appropriate too since the “troll market” reminded me a lot of the Cantina from Star Wars.

    I actually preferred this one to the first one too, which I thought frequently dragged a bit. This whole thing is just so refreshingly bizarre. I mean “I’m not a baby, I’m a tumour”? Classic.

    Some things still bug me though:

    I still don’t understand why they keep him behind a locked door, when he can easily break out. Why bother? He did the exact same thing in the first movie and I had the exact same complaint.

    I always shake my head at people in movies where there is a huge monster ravaging a city, and how they run a short distance and then turn around and watch. If it was me, I would be getting THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

    I didn’t get the crowd’s and the police’s reaction after the Forest God was destroyed. Did they not notice that the thing was DESTROYING THE CITY? And Hellboy stopped it? Stupid ingrates.

    I kind of guessed that the princess would kill herself as soon as I knew that whatever happened to one happened to the other. That’s how the prince would ultimately be defeated. That was a little too predictable.

    Overall though, a refreshing change from the normal superhero movie dreck. Eight cookies, indeed!

  2. Das is going to be mad at you for calling the villain boring…Cookie Monster did a good review. Not a great fan of Hellboy myself, but I thought this movie adaption wasn’t too shabby.

  3. Yes, I loved the movie, watched it a bunch of times, just not in the past year. These are the most lovable bunch of freaks since Goonies.

    I mostly came by to hear what Das has to say.

  4. How dare Cookie call my – I said, MY – Nuada weak! 😡 You do know them’s fightin’ words, doncha? Nuada was the best thing in the movie! If I wasn’t really, really tired from cleaning the house and the fridge (it was old condiment purging time!), and slightly buzzed from this glass of wine I’m enjoying, I’d give you both (yes, Joey – you too!) a piece of my mind.



    Okay…I’m gonna give you a piece anyways. 🙂

    I guess in this age of over-the-top evil villains (Joker, Bane, Ted Nugent) it’s a bit of a let down when the ‘bad guy’ falls into the sympathetic gray area. Or maybe macho Ital…I mean, muppets just can’t get into emo dudes. Whatever. 🙄 I just feel bad for anyone who failed to grasp the depth of this character. It was so plain to me. Nuada was never supposed to be an in-your-face villain. Rather, I see him as a shoulder-perched devil whispering into unsuspecting ears. And he was right, you know? He was only trying to reclaim what was rightfully his. Of course, his way of going about things might have been a bit off, but that was inevitable considering his state of mind.

    This is how I see it. You have a young warrior, angered over the truce his people made with the humans, knowing that it was bound to be broken. And he was right. After many years, the humans had turned the woodlands into parking lots and shopping malls, and the rightful possessors of those lands were relegated to living in the sewers. How humiliating! Nuada had every right to be angry! He’s older now, but the scars on his body tell the story of a warrior who never stopped fighting.

    He sees a way to reclaim what rightfully belongs to him and those of his kind. He gets down on his knee and appeals to his father, but his father – so old and complacent – has lost all will to fight. Instead, the cowardly old man orders the prince be put to death, which will also spell death for Nuala. She too, is complacent, resolved to accept her fate. But her brother, a true warrior, is not going to give up so easily.

    Now, I will say here that I believe Nuada to be mad, driven into such madness by the injustices he’s suffered at the hands of human beings and by his own simmering hatred. This, of course, makes him go to unreasonable extremes, from sacrificing the last forest elemental to awakening the Golden Army. Though I cannot fully condone his methods, I certainly can sympathize with him, and I see his ultimate goal as something noble had he gone about achieving it through more reasonable means.

    Nuada was a very interesting character. I know that del Toro saw him as an ‘incestuous little bastard’ (his words), and in the end Hellboy calls him a ‘slippery little bastard’, so it’s obvious that it was the intent of the filmmakers to portray Nuada as something of a sniveling emo brat, but in doing so (and I credit Luke Goss for this), they actually gave him more depth and emotion than the average bad guy. I’m actually surprised that you didn’t pick up on (or comment on) Nuada’s relationship with his sister. He is an indulgent creature, hellbent on getting what he wants no matter the cost. Did you notice the care he put into the golden egg holding the elemental, only turn right around and so wastefully release it? Still, despite this, there was also a side of the character that was hurt and desperate, no longer able to endure the humiliation that his people had suffered. I thought it was very sad to see such a beautiful creature driven to do such ugly things, all because of the destructive nature of human beings.

    Not sure if any of that made any sense. I’m not only sleepy, but watching a rugby match…trying to catch up on this weekend’s games. Talk about being self-indulgent. 😛

    I will leave you with this…the last warrior, preparing for the battle of his life…



    How dare you call him weak.


  5. Yet another film I saw but don’t remember anymore, something about plants and vines sprouting up downtown, and Luke Goss’ tuff, tuff hair. He was nice and wraithy so I liked him a lot. Now that I recall Nuada was also a little creepy with the twinlove; wasn’t he trying to marry his twin too? I liked it, but just looking at them on that big flat soundstage reminds me of why Stargate was cool, the sets and ships had such great texture and never looked like just a soundstage; you guys had windows with breeze blowing and waves in the background; painted waves maybe but every scene had depth. When the floors look like soundstage floors it takes away the magic.


    Chris Heyerdahl was in Castle tonight. Sadly, he didn’t survive until the end. 🙁 But he did have a lovely French accent, and hair! WOO! 😀


  7. Christopher Heyerdahl was on Castle tonight. He is a very busy guy. He was on another show I watch recently, I just can’t think of which one right now.

  8. @Tim G: Hell on Wheels, CSI, Twilight movies, True Blood. Busy guy! He does play bad so well 🙂

  9. I thought Hell Buy 2 was awesome, hopefully Del toro will get around to making Hell Boy 3. One of the better comic book franchises out there and one with the most heart.

    The drinking and singing was the best part in the whole film, two old men sulking and singing about their respected girlfriends, it what singing and booze was invented for.

    An that fly through of the market was brilliant.

  10. This was actually quite enjoyable! Like you, Cookie, I was expecting this to suck but it actually wasn’t too bad. The VFX and makeup were top notch.

    I agree that the villain was pretty dull. For someone hell bent (see what I did there?) on killing humans he didn’t do a very good job of it except for the tooth fairies at the beginning. I would have liked to have seem him be a bit more genocidal.

    I also didn’t understand why people started turning on Hellboy so quickly. He saved the baby for crying out loud! But, I suppose, if some big, red, horned monster grabbed your baby and started climbing up a building with it you’ll probably think he was evil, too.

    Anyway, I feel sorry for Abe. He seems so alone and sad. He didn’t even get to end up with the girl.

  11. Hellboy2: 8 Chocolate Chip Cookies is impressive! I really should make the effort to watch these movies …

    Having re-watched Series 1-5 Supernatural late last year/early 2013, we decided to move into a Firefly marathon … yeah, all 13 episodes! It’s been at least 3 to 4 years since I last watched and have to say I still thoroughly miss the show that never should’ve been cancelled. (Just like SGA) Oh, the possibilities! Sigh! But I do like box sets! No ridiculous editing!

    @Das: Billy Twelvetrees (it IS a cool name) is lined up to play in the England v Italy match on Sunday 10th March. (Mother’s Day) I’ll be eating chocolates whilst screaming at the TV! 🙂

  12. @ Tim G – Chris was in one of the CSI shows recently. He was just lovely last night in Castle. I am of the mind that had Chris used a French accent for Todd, even Teyla’s ovaries would have burst. 😉


  13. @ Susan Bowden – Unfortunately, I’m only getting two more matches – Ireland vs. France on Saturday, March 9 and Wales vs. England on Saturday, March 16. It’s better than nothing, but I miss the days when I could see all the matches. I suppose I could track them down on-line, but it would be a bit pricey, I think.

    As far as Billy Twelvetrees goes, I have been able to watch him in the Gloucester matches (and before that with Leicester), and I have been impressed with his play. Still has room to grow, and hopefully now that he’s been capped he will reach his full potential (though I have seen some players fizzle after reaching the international level, sort of like how some actors stop trying after they get an Oscar). Hopefully he’ll be named for the Italy match. At least for the Ireland v France game there should be some good eye candy if Szarzewski plays…you know, this guy:


    He’s almost too pretty to be a rugby player. 🙂


  14. 8 cookies; I agree, Good movie, good characters, good plot. But Nuada weak? Sorry, Cookie, but I have to disagree.

    das said most of what I wanted to say so I won’t repeat that part. I found Nuada a very sympathetic villain. Okay, the pale skin, long flowing white hair, and sword skills didn’t hurt (most notably in that shirtless underground workout scene early on)…

    oh, my…

    but I digress. Nuada was trying to do the right thing for his people, as he saw it, but unfortunately for him, the older elves were perfectly content to diminish and go into the West and leave the world to the humans. Poor guy: a warrior left behind by the march of time.

    I found his motives for fighting eminently sympathetic, but then I’m a tree hugger. and an elf hugger for that matter. Humans can be a blight on the planet. Nuada did try appealing to Hellboy and his team to try to get them to join him, citing the way the “normal” humans treated them even when they were doing good things like rescuing a baby. Honestly, Joe, I think that was the reason for outing the team – to set up the fact that they were outsiders like Nuada.

    @ Line Noise>/b> re: Nuada’s lack of genocidal intent: Oh, he was plenty genocidal, he just didn’t get to play out his endgame. I think the Golden Army would have done a good bit of damage if he had been successful.

  15. @ Line Noise – Nuada would have been a lot more genocidal had HB not stopped him and the Golden Army. The movie was never about his battle since that never happened, instead it was about Hellboy and Abe’s love lives as they chased down Nuada, trying to stop him before he could activate the army. If that was boring in any way, it’s not because of Nuada, but because the focus of the story was on something other than Nuada’s war with the humans – it was more about his conflict with Hellboy. In this one thing I will say that the film missed an opportunity because the battle that should have been fizzled in the caves. I think if we had seen the battle occurring in the cities while Hellboy and Nuada fought for control of said army, then, perhaps, it would have made more of an impact on the overall story. Still, I suppose if we had that, then it would have been nothing more than a fancy Transformers movie, so I suppose it’s best that things were left as is.


  16. I’m a little intimidated by a fighter who refuses to put his hair up, like he’s used to winning with big swings so he doesn’t get tangled and doesn’t think I can get in close enough to make him regret it.

  17. More on Nuada…

    Like my friend, Sparrowhawk, I am also a treehugger. I think this is why I am so sympathetic to Nuada’s cause. Nuada is not your typical sociopathic villain, but instead he – for lack of better words – is a sensitive soul. There is that one rather tender moment after he kills his father where he looks at his hand then touches his father’s cheek, and I think at that moment you see his conflict – he didn’t go there with the intention of killing his father, but to persuade his father to join him. When his father passes the death sentence, Nuada is forced to take drastic action and kill his father, not only to get the crown piece, but to save his own life. It’s not what he wanted to do, it’s what he had to do. That’s not something you get in a sociopathic killer like the Joker, who kills without purpose just for the fun of it. And that makes sense with Nuada being an elf and all, one expects a certain level of sensitivity from such a lovely creature.

    I would also like to add what a beautiful movie this was – just visually stunning! That throne room scene with all the gold leaves falling – those were real, not CGI crap. In fact, most of this movie was made of real sets and real puppets, with a minimum use of CGI. I think it shows in the richness of the film, and it’s something that should be acknowledged.


  18. Oooh. I like das‘s idea for the Hellboy II ending. I would have liked to see that. And it would have let Nuada go out with a bang. He would have liked that!

  19. @ DP – Thankyouverymuch…now I’m picturing you (though I have no idea what you look like) in a schoolyard hair-pulling contest with Nuada. 😛


  20. Drat. I was hoping you’d approve more comments before I had to leave work. You see, my ‘puter at home died, so not sure when I will be back to play – mebbe not until I’m in the office again. *sniffle*


  21. @das – Think of it more as his vulnerability that I can get a quick grip to toss him or position him for a follow-up. Or us both getting thrown off by an untimely tangle. I wouldn’t want to pull in a predictable direction, and especially not leave my arms in place for very long, against a skilled fighter. It would all happen fast and not look at all like a hair-pulling fight.

    He’s the one with the long hair, he’s the one who’s felt the way weight shifts when it’s pulled. He’s the one who knows exactly what distance I’d be at to grab it. I’d be very, very choosy about letting him lure me into something he has more experience with.

    You can still think of it as an epic battle, much more brutal and spectacular.

  22. Jumping on Mr. Das’ dinosaur computer for a sec…

    @ DP – Are we talking a fight or…ya know…a roll in the hay…


  23. Joe,

    Little off topic here… but could you help me with small question? Does the name Greg Z. Mean anything to you in the SGU world?

    Since his vest is on eBay right now wanted to put face with name?

    I found Greg Anderson that worked on the series but he was Prior and don’t see him sporting a almost hero tac-vest with radio pocket mod and stunt mags. =) Background Marine?


  24. DP, you raise some interesting points that I’d never considered on the whole long-locked warrior subject.

    das, that just put all of DP’s comments in a WHOLE different light.

  25. I did not see original Hellboy so I doubt this would make much sense to me. HOWEVER, Seth MacFarlane did a voice in this movie which did surprise me.

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