Zoom - poster

Dis be less a movie and more an interminable collektion of lame musical montage sekwences punctuated by occasional attempts at a plot, charakter development and, worst of all, humor.

It say a lot about dis catastrophe dat de most interesting part of Zoom be opening five minute info-dump voice-over dat explain how two brothers, Zoom and Concussion, were part of superhero team (Zenith) until government experiment wit extra radiation (Gamma 13) turn Concussion evil and cause Zoom to lose his powers.  Concussion eliminate other team members but he blasted and seemingly killed. Until…

Turdy years later, scientists be tracking “a pan dimensional anomaly moving toward our space-time continuum” (accompanied by computer graphic dat seem to indikate de other dimension be lokated somwhere outside Long Beach).  Huh?  Not “huh” as if “Wow!  Dis too complikated for monster to understand!” but “Huh, dis make absolutely no sense!”. It as if someone couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass techno-babble.  In hindsight, dis not so surprising since it turn out same people couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass rest of movie.

Decision made to hire washed-up former Zoom to train new team Zenith.  We introduced to each potential new member in – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

At Area 51, Zoom and scientists hold American Idol-like auditions for new team Zenith – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Making de cut are kids wit real super powers – invisibility, telekinesis, super strength – and some chubby kid who can inflate himself.  New Team Zenith trains – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Zoom takes kids out on a joyride in a flying saucer.  Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Kids trap scientist in eco-chamber and press weather buttons.  Ho ho ho.  Scientist get rained on.  Snowed on.  He get struck by lightning. Struck by avalanche.  Sprayed by a skunk.  Actors unconvincingly convey hilarity.

Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Invisible boy and telekinesis girl develop romance.  Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.

Zoom, meanwhile, reflekts back on de old days – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Finally, it’s time!  Concussion arrives “in our space-time continuum”. And, boy, he pissed.  Zoom try to talk some sense into his brother. But no go.  Army try to capture his brother.  But no go.  So Team Zenith launch into action.  Concussion not so tough.  He get beat on by a bunch of kids!  How possible for him to ever be considered such a threat?

Zoom get his powers back and trap Concussion in a vortex dat, uh, draw de evil radiation out of his brother’s body.

CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Verdikt: As much as makers would want it to be, Sky High II dis aint.

Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and one coupon for half-price laxative.

Monster wish everyone Happy Holidays!

23 thoughts on “December 24, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Zoom!

  1. 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and one coupon for half-price laxative. Wow! I’ve never heard of this movie. Thanks Cookie for the laughs today! Is rating worse than a rat turd?

    I got my 2nd degree black belt in Shotokan…Woo-hoo! Such a relief! My holiday is complete.

    Merry Christmas Everyone! I hope all of you have fun and stay safe this season!

  2. Merry Christmas All!

    @Joe ” Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.” I laugh and get scared at the same time when I read that!

    The local library started carrying graphic novels! YAY!

    Cheers!

  3. I loved the opening/closing comic book frame stuff. I can usually get all left-brained about what’s awesome about something, but this time, I’m just bouncing to Smashmouth songs and pointing, “look at it!” I want to see more stories told in whatever-that-was format.

    It took me a while to figure out what the big conflict in the movie was. I noted that they sure did gloss over what turned Concussion evil. Maybe Zoom’s hints that what’s-her-name’s understanding was ALL propaganda was a hint to us that she had it wrong. Maybe he wasn’t evil at all and the Academy was. Otherwise, this movie would be about nothing but killing time establishing a butt monkey pecking order until a predictable end. I was aware of how much this movie must suck for those who weren’t, uh, imagining they were watching a different movie.

    So, the eco-chamber scene would have seemed to be one more butt monkey pecking order scene to you. To me, it was about children, kidnapped to replace their used-up predecessors, tortured with paintball guns, brined in propaganda, looking into the face of evil and saying, “NO! We won’t pretend this is okay and that you are not our enemy!” This was their moment to show how hard they were resisting the brainwashing until Concussion’s rescue arrived in the slow UFO’s mate.

    All that time I spent noting how Zoom dodged questions about what happened to his old team was time well spent because in your version (the actual one), he just didn’t feel like talking. In mine, it was mildly entertaining because he was setting up the big twist (that never happened). Or was it just a 360 degree twist?

    I give this movie 1 cookie, low for being so predictable and about killing time. I give the movie I thought I was watching 4 cookies, still low because introducing the ticking clock at the get go (usually not done until at least halfway through) still made the whole thing about killing time.

  4. G’day Joe

    Merry Christmas Everyone.

    I got four books and jammies…whooooo hoooo. Very happy vegemite.

    Congrats to Tam Dixon.

  5. You know, sometimes you believe when watching these movies that they just can’t get any worse. That surely, you have finally reached the lowest depths of ennui that is imaginably possible. Then, you get this.

    It’s a complete piece of garbage that makes one wonder what the actors’ agents thought when they signed up these supposedly “A” list people to work on such dreck. I wonder if these guys were second guessing themselves when they were actually reading this dialogue? Were they all like, “wow, this stuff rocks”, or were they thinking “well, gotta put food on the table somehow”? Did someone along the process ever look at it and say, “I wonder if this will actually ruin people’s careers”? Maybe they just didn’t care? It does seem the actors are sometimes visibly wincing while delivering their lines, so at least they have the self-awareness to do that. Doesn’t make it any more comfortable to watch, though.

    Wow, like you say Cookie about the musical montages. So. Many. And so pointless, other than to kill time.

    I suppose the fact that the chubby kid’s power is actually getting MORE chubby (ostensibly for laughs) is supposed to be funny. I should find that offensive if this very movie itself wasn’t a total offense to any movie-goers intelligence. Everything’s relative, and all that. Still, “The Incredible Bulk”? Really.

    One thing that always really makes me hesitant to watch comedies is that comedy is so hard to do. I mean a bad drama is at least usually tolerable, but a bad comedy is just embarrassing. It’s like you feel awkward watching it because of your embarrassment for the people involved. Wait, this IS supposed to be a comedy, right?

    Chevy Chase being in this movie reminds me of “Nothing But Trouble”, probably the worst movie I have ever seen. (Well, at least until I started this series of superhero movies.) But anyway, I’ve seen him in stuff that actually doesn’t reek, which shows once again – it’s all in the writing.

    Normally, I would spend part of the commentary discussing parts of the movie that didn’t really make sense. However, it takes a least part of movie making sense in order for other parts not to make sense, so no such luck in this case. It’s like the random stream of consciousness that you get when you’re drifting off to sleep, where succeeding thoughts aren’t necessarily even connected. Except, not as funny. Or logical.

    Also, is it supposed to be funny that the kids are basically torturing Chevy Chase in the weather chamber? Is it supposed to make us relate to or like these kids more? Because it makes them come off as unfeeling and mean-spirited. Given how this movie treats its audience, that shouldn’t come as a surprise though, I suppose.

    Ugh, poor Marty (from “Wormhole Extreme” and “200”). How did he wind up in this movie?

    “Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.” – Ew.

    Is trick or treating at what appears to be near-noon an American thing? That just seems weird to me.

    So, exposure to gamma radiation makes you evil? I figured it would just make you, you know, dead. Anyway, the Zoom’s spinning mega-vortex can reverse the effects of said gamma radiation? Not sure, but I don’t think radiation works that way. (Actually, I am sure.)

    Wait, did that ending just threaten a sequel? **shudders**

    No Sky High, indeed. I’ve seen better acting in a junior high school play, and better writing on a public bathroom wall. If I was a writer, this is what I would come up with if I really, really… really hated my job. They did manage to make practically every single line of dialogue cringe-inducing, so that in itself is a bit of an accomplishment, I suppose.

    Merry Christmas, Cookie! May your stocking be filled with all the cookies of your dreams! (I’m fond of shortbread, myself. And of course, the classic chocolate chip!)

  6. @Joe, Akemi, Cookie Monster and families:

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! I’m hoping you have a good one!

    This year instead of sending out the regular email update, I made it a blog entry. Feel free to check it out:

    http://www.corasgarage.com/constantinsanityblog/?p=390

    @Tam Dixon:

    Congratulations on the 2nd degree black belt, and Merry Christmas!

    @for the love of Beckett:

    Congratulations on the Colts win yesterday and Merry Christmas!

    @Ponytail, Das, Deni, DP JimFromJersey, Line Noise, gforce, and everyone else:

    Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays! Hoping for a joyous season for you all!

  7. @Tam Dixon – Congrats!

    @gforce – I noticed the line-delivery wincing, too. I especially appreciated the chemistry between Chase and Allen when in the same scene during a bad line.

    Chase especially had some cringe-worthy lines. He somehow interjected an interesting delivery to “Yes” or “No” over and over. He seemed to be smirking about it.

    @all – Merry Christmas!

  8. Green dress in any outfit should not wear high heels.
    Zoom is a joke. He was better in Galaxy Quest.
    I tried…and gave up. It was really gross when the green snot blew up.

    Meanwhile:
    @Tam Dixon – good on you with your 2nd Dan.

  9. Cookie, thanks for taking one for the team, I could not watch this, was it a musical,?? a bad bad one.. Santa should be extra nice to you for suffering. Well I have the pizza and jack daniel out for santa(thats what the note said) SO its off to bed to see if I can conjure up some visions, of whatever eating dill pickle potato chips and cream cheese dip will bring me, HO HO Ha,, See everyone on the new day and Have a wonderful Merry Christmas with you and yours!

  10. Oh Cookie, just when I think you’ve reviewed the worst movie ever made, the next one tops it. How do you do it? At least the reviews are entertaining!

    Tam: That’s fantastic. With a second degree black belt, could you be an instructor?

    JeffW; Great family Christmas blog. You have an adventurous family!
    Thanks! re: the Colts. At the beginning of the season, we never dreamed of going to the playoffs. And to go now, especially after Coach Chuck Pagano’s battle with leukemia — and emotional return to work today — it’s beyond words. Am praying for continued good health, now that he’s in remission. Am so proud of the Colts. Adversity made the boundaries of the team extend past the locker room into the community itself. ChuckStrong!

  11. Wishing the Mallozzi clan near and far a wonderful Christmas! And to all here have a great Holiday Season!

    @Tam Dixon Methinks no will be arguing over gifts with you this Xmas! Congrats on the 2nd degree belt.

  12. Merry Christmas to everyone here.

    Hopefully 2013 will have some great news and results for everyone, like perhaps MGM giving us Stargate back in some way or form, heck, perhaps 2013 will give you some good news about your projects Joe.

  13. I must be getting inured to bad movies because I didn’t mind this one so much! Sure, throughout the movie I kept thinking “Tim Allen did the bitter old man act better in Galaxy Quest” but on the whole it was a reasonably enjoyable kids movie. Not Sky High good but not Sharkboy and Lavagirl bad either.

    They got the required fart and snot jokes out of the way early in the movie and kept things reasonably tasteful for most of it (apart from the painful eco-chamber sequence which just had me cringing at the bad acting).

    I just assumed that the map tracking Concussion was some sort of in-joke. All this build up for someone that was travelling at 20mph (you could see the speed on the display) from Long Beach. It didn’t really bother me as Concussion was really irrelevant to the plot.

    My only real issue with the movie was that the kids needed some serious anger management. Particularly Princess. If she doesn’t grow up to be a super villain I don’t know who will!

    Anyway, while not the best kids super movie we’ve seen it’s nowhere near the worst.

    2.5 cookies.

    Merry Christmas everyone!

  14. Thanks Everyone for the congratulations! It was a surprise test. My Sensei has been wanting me to test for a year now but I haven’t been feeling that great/was very nervous about it. He had my certificate framed and ready though. It was a nice surprise.

    for the love of Beckett: I’m not sure about the teaching part. I think that makes me a Sensei, so I guess I could. I don’t have the patience to work with all the little kids. My Sensei is great with kids. The more ADD/ADHD they are, the better he is with them. He says it’s because he is ADHD himself.

    We Southerners are expecting a big storm today and tonight. Snow, tornadoes, high winds…..driving tomorrow is not going to be fun. Mr. M., if you think driving in Vancouver snow is difficult, you should see drivers not used to snow AT ALL! Hubby usually has to stop and help someone out of ditch on snow days.

    Deni: Anakin here yet?

    Be safe everyone and have a great holiday!

  15. Merry Christmas everybody, just sitting around waiting for the family to show up. Thinking about watching a movie, clearly not going to be Zoom.

  16. @Tammy Dixon: Nope. 🙁 Her doctor said he’d induce her at 41 weeks (tomorrow or Thursday), then he said they’d do an ultrasound at 41 weeks, then he took off on Christmas vacation, so she’s stuck with a doctor she’s never even met. I’m nervous, but hanging in there!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.