NASA/JPL-Caltech
NASA/JPL-Caltech

With the Apocalypse almost upon us, I thought it might be nice to take some time and offer up a brief overview of the impending global cataclysm so that you can all have a better understanding of exactly what the hell is going on as the world around you comes to its ignoble end.  The ensuing information is the result of my exhaustive research (I perused wikipedia and a couple of crackpot sites) on the subject and will hopefully offer some solace as humanity faces the greatest mass hysteria-fueled Armageddon since Y2K…

Don’t delay.  Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and board that space shuttle for the Mars colony.  There’s no time to waste as… Oh.  You didn’t have the foresight to purchase a ticket to the Mars colony? Well, sorry to say they sold out years ago right after that Roland Emmerich movie came out.  On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about what to pack.  Or kissing anyone goodbye (your own ass doesn’t count) because we’ll all be going together on…

December 21, 2012.  IF the Mayan are to be believed.  No, scratch that.  Technically, they Mayans didn’t make any apocalyptic predictions.  They just happened to create a calendar that ends on the aforementioned date.  But why, you no doubt wonder, THAT particular day?  No one knows for certain but many read dark portents in this ancient decision.  Others, like my writing partners, Paul, figure the Mayans simply figured “Yeah, five thousand years is long enough.  Let’s stop there.”  The Mayans may not have specifically foretold of the end times, but that didn’t stop many “experts” from inferring as much, their conclusions drawn from loose interpretations of similar doomsday prophecies, suspect astronomy, and personal theories occasionally born of far out mushroom trips.

Frightening but true.  The Mayans were not the only ones to predict the world would end on December 21, 2012 be co-opted into loony December 21, 2012 doomsday theories.  The Hopi Indians, the I-Ching (as interpreted by some “psychonaut”), even Nostradamus himself hint at some extinction-level event occurring sometime in the vague future…Oh, let’s pick a date…say…December 21, 2012.

December 21, 2012?  O.M.G.!

Well, that pretty much confirms it then.  With that out of the way, let’s shake things up a little and adopt a totally different tact.  Let’s try applying logic to the the Apocalypse.  Exactly what will happen?  And, more importantly, why?

Hmmm.  It really depends on who you ask.  Many New Age “experts” see the December 21, 2012 not as a date of doom, but as one of regenesis in which humanity will enter a new more enlightened phase, a “culmination in synchronization of individuals plugged into Earth’s eletromagnetic battery as a result of the planet’s passage through a galactic synchronization beam that started in 3113 B.C” (Wiki).  Indian guru Kalki Bhagavin, presumed by his 15 million followers to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu, sees 2012 as the “deadline for human enlightenment” (Wiki).

Other presumptions are decidedly more downbeat:

A galactic alignment will place our planet smack dab in the center of a gravitational pull between our sun and, Saggitarius A, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy.  Never mind that the black hole is 30 000 light years from Earth.  Oh, and that this already happened back in 1998.

A massive solar flare will trigger a geomagnetic reversal that will see the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south switch resulting in toilets flushing clockwise in Australia and counter-clockwise in North America.  Never mind the fact that these reversals take anywhere from 1000 to 10 0000 years to complete and don’t happen overnight – like, say, the evening of December 20th, 2012.

A rogue planet (referred to as either Planet X or Nibiru by those in the know) will collide with Earth, crushing half the world’s population (and my dream of some day visiting Singapore) and leaving the other half to a far worse fate.  Never mind the fact that, if there WAS a rogue planet on a collision course with Earth and scheduled to hit us in less than two weeks, someone with a telescope might have noticed THERE’S A PLANET HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!

UNLESS every single person who noticed has been sworn to secrecy. Which brings us to the next doomsday scenario: An alien invasion! There are rumors that SETI has been sitting on the news that three alien spacecraft have been spotted on an Earth-bound course. Estimated time of arrival?  Oh, around December 21, 2012. There’s even proof (provided by a Denver-based media company) in the form of a picture that shows the trio of UFO’s enroute.  Never mind that astronomer Phil Plait has demonstrated that if the UFO’s “in the photo were as large as claimed, [they] would have had to be closer to Earth than the Moon, which would mean [they] would already have arrived.” (Wiki).

The red super-giant, Betelgeuse, will go supernova, crispy frying Earth and quashing Alabama’s hopes of a repeat National Championship. Never mind the fact that Betelgeuse would need to be approximately 575 light years closer to affect us if it went supernova.

Photon belts!  Never mind the fact that they don’t exist.

But don’t let me rain on your apocalyptic parade.  I’m sure there are far more plausible (though, admittedly, far less popular) doomsday scenarios out there.  Supervolcanoes, a spiteful suddenly sentient internet, and robot monkeys are just a few that come to mind.

So get out there and enjoy the time you have left.  And, if I’m wrong and these doomsday enthusiasts are right, then who’ll be laughing December 22nd?

Obviously, no one.

 

57 thoughts on “December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!

  1. Oh, the spiteful, suddenly sentient internet sounds like an interesting concept! Also, what if that internet controlled the evil robot monkeys?

    Anyway, weird as it may seem, I have a friend whose brother’s friend actually has fully bought into this, um, scenario. To the point where he’s sold a bunch of his stuff, etc. in preparation for the big day. I’m not sure what’s expected to happen – I mean if it’s completely the end of the world, who cares, and if it’s more just a zombie apocalypse type of things, wouldn’t you WANT most of your stuff? As a doomsday, the whole thing just doesn’t sound that well organized. I don’t understand it at all, which is probably a good thing. Joe, it appears that we let sillly things like facts and logic cloud our judgement when we should be worried about DEATH FROM THE SKIES!

  2. You forgot one! The U.S.A. Government is going to release the existence of the Stargate Program!!!!! And all of the Stargate shows were actually based on it, though some events were changed to make a more entertaining story for tv viewers. The government figured that SG-1, Atlantis, and Universe would make the impact of the public release less horrifying. (Crosses fingers for Thor to make an appearance December 21st, 2012.)

  3. Oh….and the Stargate is the only escape avenue to different planets since we all need a new home. Since they cancelled Space Shuttle Program, we have no other means of escape. Hope we get assigned to a good one.

    There are days when the only comment would be – “whatever,” everything is so crappy anyway.

    Then, there are days of puppy snaps that are worth continuing to around to see.

    And, don’t forget the latest Akemi’ism and better yet some of culinary creations.

    But since we have no way of knowing or preventing said disaster.
    Party on! When is the party Joe?

  4. The Mayan calendar is based on math, quite similar to how our calendars on our computers are based on math. Remember when our calendars hit 1999? Same deal. So we learn from our mistakes and now they end at 9999. So in 8000 years will everyone be worried that the Bill Gates predicted the end of time in the year 2000? Is 9999 the year the evil Steve Jobs is reinacarnated? Or do we just start a new calendar as we do every December 31?

  5. Joe, thank you for applying logic and reason to these ‘theories’. As someone who works in the field of astronomy, it’s all I can do not to roll my eyes when some people ask about this… and yes, they do ask. (Most memorable one was the TSA agent in the airport when I used my badge rather than my license as ID.) Maybe now I can direct them to your page. 😉 Me, I fully plan to celebrate Christmas with my family. Though, revelation of the Stargate program would be cool with me… or even revelations of plans for a new Stargate movie. I know, I know, but I can wish, can’t I?

  6. Let’s see… that give me just under 4 weeks to save the world.

    If you’re still here on the 22nd, you’ll know I was successful.

  7. Quade_1, you comment about the year 9999 got me thinking – I wonder if there will ever be a new style of calendar. Assuming humanity lasts for a very long time, will we be eventually writing dates as something like Dec. 11th, 1,234,532? It just seems so awkward. Or will people just use ’32, like we use ’12? Again, assuming there’s such a thing as humanity by then, and we’re not branched out into Elois and Morlocks.

  8. My family is having a Christmas Party on 12/22. I’d hate to have cleaned my whole house for naught.

    Isn’t 12/21 the Mayan New Years? That’d make sense for that being the date their calendar runs out.

  9. By the way Joe, the latest Carl Binder project ‘Weird Desk’ has been canceled by ABC before it even went into production. How utterly cruel of them.

    Anyway although Nibiru doesn’t exist, I find it odd how people are making fake orbit pictures of the planet, the whole science of said orbit would show Nibiru flung out of the social system millions of years ago, it just isn’t possible for a planet to orbit like that.

    I’m excited about Betelgeuse apparently it’l be visable in the day/nights sky for weeks, as a bright spot. A once in a lifetime thing as the Sun is due to explode at any time, we won’t ever see something like that again.

  10. >social system

    Meant Solar system, the world is clearly ending as my grammar seems to be too 😛

    Anyways some people are going to feel silly when December 22nd comes and the world is still spinning.

    Nibiru if it actually existed would be visable with the naked eye, as it’d be close enough too.

  11. Thanks for all the clarification of potential “end of days”. Great for a laugh.

    Our house is still a bit sad with the loss of Bilo and the remaining 2 dogs are at a loss without their leader. Slowly they are figuring life out. Loved the Christmas outfits for your crew–very smart 🙂

  12. Oh, for Pete’s sake! I have to drive to Edmonton to pick up my son for Christmas holidays on the 21st. That day is not good for me. We need to end the world some other time.

    Patricia

  13. The only thing I have to fear on 12/21/12 is the number of candles on my birthday cake!

  14. Well…if the world *does* end on 12/21/12, then I can at least die happy. I now am the proud owner of a genuine Joseph Mallozzi-signed SG-1 script. 🙂 It arrived today (all the way from the Pegasus Galaxy…or Canada…same difference…) and I am SO delighted with it!

    Thanks a million, Joe!

    Stella

  15. Wait a minute – is it supposed to end at 12:00 a.m. midnight or at the END of the day when 12/21 is over? I have plans for Friday night dammit, and I am NOT giving them up for any freakin’ apocalypse.

    @Randomness: Well, we’ll throw it out of the social system too, just for rudely ruining our planet.

    “the Sun is due to explode at any time…” Say what, now?

  16. On 12/21/12, I’m going to go out in the front yard and lay in the grass all day looking up at the sky and yell over and over again, “Come on baby! Come get me!”

  17. On the whole Mayan prophecy thing…I got nothing.

    a “culmination in synchronization of individuals plugged into Earth’s eletromagnetic battery as a result of the planet’s passage through a galactic synchronization beam that started in 3113 B.C” (Wiki).

    Uh huh. Maybe I’ll just turn of the TV and Internet for the next 10 days.

  18. @gforce whose to say we won’t just adopt the Mayan Calendar system? or something similar. In my opinion it seems the Mayans had the right idea.

    1 Kin = 1 Day
    20 Kin = 1 Uinal
    18 Uinal = 1 Tun
    20 Tun = 1 Katun
    20 Katun = 1 Baktun
    13 Baktun = 1 Epoch (Epoch is the entire rotation of the calendar, the new Epoch starts Dec 22.)

    Since today is 10 days from the end of the world it would be written as, 12.19.19.17.10. This gives you an incredibly accurate calendar for over 5000 years, and since history rarely lives that long, I doubt anybody would be asking the question “what epoch did that happen”?

  19. Is the Alpha site full yet, are you taking reservations? What good is the space station or the satellites orbiting if not to detect these things, WTF?!? If the worlds ends, we will not know,,so duh. I plan to be at the bar just in case. I will have one for you Joe and Akemi, and everyone else, just in case.

  20. Well we know from the movie 2012 that 45 days after the super volcano erupts that the skies will be generally clear, that you don’t fully pull up the RV you are fleeing from said super volcano to the plane you are flying in that probably only flies 200 mph, which would likely down your plane from the pyroclastic cloud that would be much quicker, according to Dante’s Peak. But the stunts/special effects in that movie WERE awesome. Down here at the Houston Museum of Natural Science, they are throwing an end-of-world Mayan blow-out party and you can get a Groupon for that event. Me? I’ll be dog sitting. And attending Patrick’s holiday party if I can get my afternoon visits done in time. For Y2K I was busy for three 12-hour days loading a software program onto people’s computers using 2 of my computers with, if I remember correctly, a 9600-baud modem that took FOREVER to load because the program was so big just so the computers would stamp the right date on our medical reports because no one in their intelligent mind could think we would have a 99-year turnaround on our reports and I had over 300 computers to fix. Fun times! I wonder if Prince will write a new song for the 2012 date. Party like it’s 2-0-1-2 does not have the same ring to it.

  21. *waves at Melinda Ward* Happy birthday a bit early!

    Joe, If we’re all still here on the 22nd, I suggest a triple-celebration blog party to mark two birthdays and everyone’s survival.

  22. The 21st just isn’t good for me, either. My daughter just put something under the tree for me that she bought on E-Bay, is totally useless and something I just HAVE to have… I can’t go without knowing, now can I?!

    Thanks for the laughs, loved it!

  23. Think I’ll just celebrate the Solstice with…
    – a losing SUPER-MAX ticket… [$5.]
    – and if the World comes to an End IF I “win”… [pointless!]

    BTW, wasn’t DISNEY buying LUCASFILMS the 42nd Sign of The APOCALYPSE anyway..?

  24. Aww…Singapore was on my list too! As well as snagging an autograph from Alex O’Loughin of H50! Never mind…I guess I’m just going to go with maxing out my credit cards by eating in the best restaurants around before the big event. So…when will that happen in my timeline?

  25. To anyone who’s Birthday is on Dec. 21, 2012 …may the world not poop on your party that day

  26. …Which is why I’m leaving all my christmas shopping until AFTER the apocalypse in the hopes that I don’t actually waste any actual money. I’d hate to be brassic when the world ends wouldn’t you?

  27. Ah, phooey. Everyone that thinks the world will end in some apocalypse, fiery or otherwise, on December 21, 2012, are all a bunch of misinformed crackpots! Anyone with any sense knows that the world will end on December 21, 2112!

    12-21-21-12

    See? The Earth will flip on its axis, the galaxy will turn upside down, the poles will exchange places, the whole universe will come unglued, etc., etc. etc.

  28. Just wondering how all this applies to time zones? Will Australia be out a day before North America?

  29. Do you remember the craziness of Y2K? One of my SIL’s friends stocked up on guns, and wheat flour waiting for global anarchy. Later they found he had a brain tumor. My theory is that the Mayans ran out of stone tablets.

  30. Mayans, SHMAYANS. I grew up in Guatemala, and I can tell you, they’re not the brightest bulbs in the bunch. 🙂 Besides, my grandson will be born in a week, so screw this!

  31. Most of these scenarios have already been covered by SyFy’s original movies, so I know what’s going to happen, and what I need to do. Whew!

    The one I heard about 12/21/12 is that gravity will cease to exist on Earth and that we’ll all just float off into outer space or something. Just make sure you’re inside a building and you’ll be safe! A treehouse is probably best since they’re usually nailed to the trees and the trees have a great root system. Wait, even the dirt and stuff will float up……I need to rethink this. 😉

    -Mike A.

  32. what about we create a mayan calander that predicts that the end of the world will happen in 3012, and hide it in mexico, just to screw with our descendents.

  33. @cat4444
    @the poles will exchange places,

    This has actually happened before, Geomagnetic reversals are common, about everyt 400,000+ years, but we don’t lose the magnetic field during that time, and by the time the next one comes along, we should have the technology to deal with any ‘ill’ effects.

    Too much nonsense about the Earth being defenseless during a pole reversal(No magnetic field), simply isn’t true.

  34. “Just wondering how all this applies to time zones? Will Australia be out a day before North America?”

    Not sure, but I expect it will be half an hour later in Newfoundland.

  35. Stop ruining my joy in posting obsessively REM’s “end of the world” everywhere. If I can’t have my irrational fears, how will I get entertained? Not by watching tv, certainly. 😉

  36. So…Joe. Should we be prepared to get into the cryo chambers aboard the Destiny or Atlantis? Or…the ones in Antarctica?

  37. Ah-h-h-h… NOW I understand. Thanks to everyone for clarifying all the unintelligible, gobbledygook, propaganda mind-washing, apocalyptic, crapola of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious proportionality.

    Thanks again! 😆

    2cats

  38. Um. So, if the world ends on the 21st, the folks on the other side of the dateline get vaporized first, right? Or is it…like…midnight, Eastern Standard Time…? Did Mayans understand time zones?

  39. WHY? WHY? WHY would you rain on my apocalypse. It was going to be so much fun and you just had to ruin it. Now it won’t happen, we were supposed to BELIEVE. We were supposed to hide in the basement with our freeze dried food and a crank powered radio. You ruined it all. It’s all your fault. Oh, by the way, I don’t get a chance to read everyday, so I am not sure if you have read Michael Crichton’s “State of Fear” Best book of the DECADE. Explains why we are spoon fed these fears. If you haven’t read it, read it…. Have a good one…. LRGII

  40. Saw this online Joe, haven’t got a clue what it is. Someone took it from a website called Helioviewer that you can view the Sun on, looks like a strange object around the sun, could be a planet(Mercury), people aren’t sure to be honest. I don’t have a clue how to use the website to view prior Sun images LOL

    Honestly couldnt say if it was real or fake, could be an asteroid or a planet or something else.

  41. @glider- happy birthday to you, too! I told my dr that I was born on the shortest day & some say that makes me a druid. He said he was married the same day which gave him the longest night & that made HIM a genius!

  42. G’day Joe

    Well since I am in Australia, when (if) I wake up on the 22/12 I will comment here to show the world is still alive…yippeeeeee

  43. “The red super-giant, Betelgeuse, will go supernova, crispy frying Earth and quashing Alabama’s hopes of a repeat National Championship.”

    This would almost be worth it! 🙂

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