Making fun of dis movie be like taunting Grover’s cuzin Edwin, de one who eat candles and walks into walls.  Too easy.  And where de fun in dat?  Well, okay, still some fun – but well below average.

Monster have to admit, aktor Shaquille O’Neil be perfekt choice to play role of Steel.  Who better to play lamest superhero in comic book history den one of de worst “aktors” in movie history?

In Steel, Shaq play part of genius weapon designer John Henry Irons. Dis bear repeating.  SHAQ play part of a GENIUS.  He design weapons for army.  Anyway, movie begin wit one of his weapons test gone awry. Ceiling collapse, kill gabby senator and injure Shaq’s friend, Sparky, de girl wit de dog’s name.  All de fault of Evil Judd Nelson who try to act tough and get in Shaq’s face – tho dis very hard to do when guy you’re trying to stare down be two feet taller den you.

Shaq John Henry quits army and heads back home. Judd goes too.  To Bust a Move!  While Judd gets job wit arms dealer, Shaq visit his sassy grandma.

On ride-along wit his cop sister, Shaq stumble on bank robbery by gang using bazooka lasers.  Hey!  He recognize dose weapons!

Shaq report dis to his commanding officer – who not all dat interested, mirroring general attittod of audience watching dis sad piece of film making.  So, Shaq say “F him” and put together his own cliche team: wheelchair-bound Sparky, kid, and old man (who, at one point in movie, aktually use de line: “I’m getting too old for dis!”).  A-Teamesque building montage ensue.  Dey forge supersuit of steel (dat look suspishushly like hard plastic).  Armed wit giant hammer (Not for hitting bad guys.  It just a magnet of course!) Shaq John Henry Irons is Ironma Steel!

Uh, how much does dis ting weigh?

Gang chasing down other gang.  Bulletproof Steel show up (luckily, nobody smart enough to shoot him in de face) and give bad guys de old one two: 1) Stop car wit his sonic weapon and cause occupants to fly thru windshield.  2) Deliver cheesy line: ” “You should always buckle up.”  He den use electromagnetic lock to take everyone’s weapons.  Cops arrive.  Steel escapes by jumping between buildings.

Jumping between buildings?  Exacktly how much dat suit weigh?!

He lower himself down side of building and and end up in garbage container.  When Sparky contakt to ask him how he doing, he respond: “Just a little trashed”.  Ho ho ho.   Not only he be a genius; he be a comedy genius!

Bad guys triangoolate signal back to his home base.  Evil Judd Nelson frame Steel for bank heist.  He arrested!  But Sparky a computer tech expert (Naturally.  She a movie/television charakter in a wheelchair, duh!) and get him released.

Steel crash weapons auktion.  But evil Judd Nelson has Sparky hostage! Steel tell Judd NOT to use his hammer.  Whatever he do, don’t do it!  Don’t do it! Don’t flip de red switch!

If monster was Evil Judd Nelson, me would say “Okay” and shoot Steel in de face instead.  But monster not Evil Judd Nelson.  Me just movie reviewer wit average intelligence, not movie villain wit below average smarts.  Of course Evil Judd flip de red switch.  And electromagnetic lock cause hammer to fly back to Steel.  Ha-ha!  Who saw DAT coming?!

Everyone except Evil Judd Nelson.

Sparky have her wheelchair outfitted with machineguns.  She shoot up warehouse, den use rocket jets on wheelchair to get away in sequence dat is both surprising and weird and really stoopid.

Movie end wit big shootout and Evil Judd Nelson getting killed by lazer dat deflect off Steel’s, uh, steel outfit.

Counting Blue Chips, Kazaam, and now Steel, Shaq hitting 0.00% from de field.

Verdikt: Monster want to use Steel’s hammer to beat on whoever greenlit dis movie.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookies.

23 thoughts on “July 23, 2012: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews Steel!

  1. I think back to quite a few years ago, to another movie that Judd Nelson was in. Remember “The Breakfast Club” and how awesome that movie was/is? And that even with repeated viewings after many years, it’s still great? Well, this is not that movie. Poor Judd’s career. So sad.

    Wow, the music totally sounds like they pulled it from and the musical cues are just so bizarrely inappropriate. The collapse of the building has some kind of fast, martial style music, like it’s a space battle or something. Weird. This chase scene music sounds like it’s from “Shaft”. Curiously, this movie also has Richard Roundtree in it. If “Shaft” was considered a “blaxploitation” film, could this one be considered “Shaqsploitation”? Hey, I’m workin’ with nothin’ here!

    Watching the first part of this show is like visiting people at their home while they just talk about dumb crap and you don’t really know them nor care about what they’re talking about and you keep surreptitiously checking your watch to see if it’s time to leave yet. Hmm. Still an hour and 18 minutes to go. (Actually, I wrote that while I was watching the show. The whole movie was equally as tedious, though.)

    Wait – Shaq’s character’s name is “John Henry”? You know, like the song? You know, about the “steel drivin’ man”? I think my eyes just rolled back so far I could see my movie viewing innocence. Oh, and Richard Roundtree’s character just used the word “Shaft” in a sentence, with a dramatic pause at the end. Oh look, it’s raining anvils!

    How come:

    How come they needed the laser to bore through the wall in the bank robbery, when that blaster gun has already been demonstrated to blast through reinforced concrete? Other than to show off that laser that is. Also, it appears one of the other guns in that scene appears to shoot.. roman candles? What The Fig-Newton?

    How come, if all the guys in the rehab home or whatever it is, were so enthusiastic about Shaq’s lady friend leaving, why don’t THEY leave as well and live life to fullest or whatever the Hell it is Shaq’s supposed to be encouraging her to do? It’s like they were thinking, “Wow, I wish *I* could just walk out like that!”, when they apparently just could. Except, you know they could actually walk – unlike Shaq’s lady friend. Oops.

    I agree Cookie, when Shaq was wearing the steel suit, why didn’t the hoodlums shooting at him aim for the face, since that was the part uncovered and would have instantly killed him?

    Why was it necessary to build up all this Junkyard Wars secret lair bullshit in order to battle the hoodlums with the new superguns? Couldn’t they just go out and round them up? Dumb.

    Richard Roundtree’s character said in one scene, “Well, I’ll be dipped in shit and rolled in bread crumbs!” Yeah, that’s how I felt watching this movie too.

    Who wrote this anyway? Some 10 year old hopped up on an all-night Dr. Pepper and Pixie Stix bender? Including pearls of wisdom like, “Eat the hot dog, don’t be one.”

    Possibly, this was the worst movie so far, either that or I was in a bad mood watching it. Or in a bad mood FROM watching it. Could be that.

  2. Sorry Cookie, I tried to watch this for “Friday Pizza Movie Night”, but I was “out voted” by the rest of my family (the dog abstained, so I couldn’t filibuster).

    Anyway, reading your review, I kept giggling at “the evil Judd Nelson”…I kept getting an image of “John Bender” from “The Breakfast Club” in detention trying to play a “bad boy”. 😉

  3. Well, Cookie Monster pretty much has said it all. Which doesn’t mean i won’t blather on a bit more. After all, I paid good money to rent thismovie.
    Apparantly the IQ of the entire world this movie is set in is about 1/4 that of our world. no jail time for an officer who gets a US Senator killed? No holding to their contract of a man with uber top secret info in his skull? And of all the street gangs in all the cities to use to test your new superduper kill em all armament, the bad guy chooses the town where the hero resides? Oh, and if I have a superweapon or three, I think I would start a bit higher up the tree than local thugs. Also, while the federal government is not known for its brilliance, I would think reports of superweapons popping up would in fact bring them running.
    Oh, and yes, that jump on the roof. Three hundred pound man, eighty pounds of armor, his handler telling him not to jump, AND he has no superpowers, So of course he jumps.
    I actually looked for something to make this movie worth all the unintended hilarity, but alas I failed. Though it does serve as MSF3K fodder. Well, at least there is next week. Unless my memory totally fails me, Mystery Men has some redeeming aspects to it.
    One last thing. The more I think on the latest Batman movie, the more the plot holes widen. Still worth seeing, but falling short of great because of those holes.
    So, do we get the rant tomorrow? Unsatisfied curiosity is eating at me….

  4. I even had trouble concentrating while reading this review. Glad I wasn’t sucker enough to watch the movie . . .ooops . . . sorry Mr Monster. Not saying you’re a sucker, but it’s star was a basketball player. Yikes.

  5. This movie actually sounds like something I’d like… 😆 . I mean, 😛 .

    In other news, we have purr!! I cuddled the little fella (I checked, it is a boy) in a blanket and held him to my chest for a while. He snuggled, but was still pretty scared. I kept petting him, and then he saw my Big Girl Kitty and immediately perked up and started to purr and to knead and to try to suckle on my arm. Too cute! I put him down on the towels on top of his cage and kept petting him and he kept purring, but he was still tight as a knot. I kept on petting him and finally his tail untucked, and then he started to roll and I even got him to play with some string. I think he wants to romp around the house, but I’m not quite ready for him to be free, and neither is Big Girl. She’s not quite sure what to make of the new kid on the block. 🙂


  6. Joe, whatcha been smokin’, son? Your dates are all screwy. The past four entries are for:

    July 20th
    July 20th
    July 22nd
    July 16th

    Either you got into some really good stuff, or you need more sleep. 😉


  7. This movie was so bad I couldn’t even make it through Cookie’s review. I’ll try again tomorrow, after all, tomorrow is another day!

  8. Hey! Guess what incredibly stupid thing I just did??! I just ate a quarter of a watermelon, right before bed. 😛

    @ arnk2u – Ha!!! I didn’t see your post before I made my last comment – great minds, and all that. 😆 Of course, not sure what that says about Joe with two of us thinking he’s a stoner. 😉


    PS: All this kitten does is POOP! 😡 And now I know why I normally keep litter pans in the garage. 😛

  9. @ das … you unwittingly purchased an endless box of crap which happened to come with a free cat.

  10. So, let me get this straight:

    John Henry is a weapons designer for the Army but he thinks killing people is bad. Maybe he should have thought of that before joining the Army and before learning how to design weapons?

    His dumbass friend decides to impress the lady senator by turning the volume up to 11 and ends up killing her. “Oooooh, naughty boy!” says the Army. “Get outta here you scamp but promise not to sell your knowledge to the highest bidder on the black market.”

    Dumbass friend decides to go to a video game manufacturer and part-time weapons smuggler to help fund the design and manufacture of superweapons.

    John Henry shows us repeatedly how bad at basketball he is. (Get it? In real life he’s a really good basketball player but the character he plays is really bad at it. Now that’s what I call acting!) And then, at the end of the movie, he really needs to be good at basketball and, yay!, he is! I love it when a setup at the beginning is paid off at the end. It makes it all worth it!

    Dumbass friend starts robbing banks to show potential buyers of his weapons how good they are. He has the potential to steal many times more money than he is ever going to make selling guns but he doesn’t care about the money. It’s all about revenge.

    And all that is just in the first 30 minutes of the movie! I could go on but I think I’ll stop.

    While watching this movie all I could think was that Steel would have made a good pilot for a kid’s TV show. That’s about the level of acting and writing we’re talking about here. A 30 minute show that you watch when you get home from school in the afternoon before doing your homework. A show where the baddies aren’t really too bad . . . just a little stupid, and the hero always wins in the end and shares a joke with his sidekicks just before the credits roll. I think if they’d done that it might have actually been a success.

    PS: I saw The Amazing Spiderman on the weekend. It was terrible! I’m eagerly awaiting Cookie’s review of that one!

  11. Some more delicacies for you to try Joe:


    @Tim Gaffney:
    Thanks a lot, forgot about that, LoL. 🙂 Still a shame they canceled Sanctuary. 🙁

    “PS: All this kitten does is POOP!”

    That’s why you have him right? To look cute, be playful, make you smile and poop. 🙂 Be happy it’s a cat. If it was a baby it would only cry and poop, without the kitten benefits. 🙂

  12. @ Maggiemayday – Is that a quote from something, or did you make it up? Either way, it’s brilliant! 😆

    @ sg1efc – 😆 Good point!

    @ gforce – Well, that explains the dream, then. 😛



  13. Das: Congrats on the new kitty and bless you for taking it in.

    Lisarrr: Many good wishes on your son’s Japanese class.

  14. @ cherluvya – I’ve been asking Joe that for months, and he’s totally mum about it. So I just figure it has something to do with a paternity suit. 😀


  15. A script that calls for someone to suddenly be good at basketball for a few seconds doesn’t justify picking someone who can do that, but who can’t act. I’m sure the script required more acting than…never mind, best not to make assumptions about the script.

    Mystery Men has a bunch of actors in it who have excellent comedic timing. I have a hard time believing the script could be all that bad if it attracted all those guys. Even if it was bad, entertaining comedians plus a bad script can’t be as bad as we’ve seen so far. Unfortunately, it’s not on Netflix.

  16. Bring on Mystery Men! It’s one of my favorites! I even have this one on DVD! 😀


  17. @cherluvya

    I think it’s because he wants to play a super-villain of that name in Steel2 ;p

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