Batman Forever. Well, at almost two hours running time, it sure feel dat way. After box office suckcess of first two Batman movies, studio reward Tim Burton by replacing him as direktor and changing tone of franchise to make it less dark and more kid friendly. Result is movie about as stoopid as Batman Returns wit bonus homoerotik subtext dat make Ernie and Bert’s housewarming party feel like pub night at de dockyard.
Performances vary. Val Kilmer, our new Bruce Wayne/Batman, seem to be doing imitashun of a boring Michael Keaton – but, in all fairness, Michael Keaton did imitashun of a boring Michael Keaton in first two installments. On opposite end of spektrum is Jim Carey who play Edward Nigma/Riddler with so over-de-top cartoon craziness, monster surprized he not burst a brain vessel during produktion. Tommy Lee Jones as Two-Face try to keep up de mania but Jimmy leave him in de dust. Chris O’Donnell play Robin, Bruce Wayne’s boy toy sidekick, Robin. And finally, dere’s Nicole Kidman as Dr. Chase Meridien (me surprized to learn dis aktually NOT name of a bank) who show up to play role of stereotypical love interest/far-fetched intellektual/damsel in dis dress.
Movie open on shots of Batman suiting up, lingering on his bat nipples and giant codpiece. It very important becuz director Joel Schumacher bookend dis embarrassing shot in final suit-up montage with lingering shot of Batman’s ass.
Batman jump into Batmobile (which, for some reazon, has been redezigned with a fin) and races away to save a hostage from Two-Face. On his way, he meet up with seksy Dr. Chase Meridian, a psykiatrist who, it turn out, could use a psykiatrist herself.
Anybody worried dat dis movie will be any less stoopid dan last one will be encouraged by first aktion sequence dat make absolutely no sense. Batman gets trapped in vault wit hostage and has to use hostage’s hearing aid to pick de lock while vault fills wit acid. Why is vault filling wit acid? Becuz Two Face wants to make sure he kills Batman! Den why not just drop vault off side of building instead of trying to fly away wit it? Oh, becuz Two Face wants to steal de money inside! Okay, den why is vault filling wit acid? Oh, becuz Two Face wants to make sure he kills Batman! Den why not just drop…
Batman saves hostage, crashes helicopter into Statue of Liberty, but survives – and bad guys get away.
After blowing off loony scientist, Edward Nigma, who be working on some sort of invention involving t.v. signals and brain waves, Bruce Wayne suits up and answers bat signal. But it turn out it a false alarm. Bat Signal not turned on by Commishiuner Gordon. It was turned on by Chase Meridian so she can greet Batman in seksy dress. WTF? SHE is a psykiatrist? She so obviously crazy me convinced she really a surprize supervillain. But it turn out monster give writer too much credit.
Bruce Wayne invite Chase Meridian for a date at de circus (?) which is being broadcast live (?). Two Face show up and demand Batman reveal his identity or he will blow up everyone in de big top. Bruce Wayne stands up and shouts: “I am Batman!” but nobody care becuz Tommy Lee Jones giving a far more interesting performance. Akrobats try to stop Two Face and are all killed except (not so) young Dick Grayson who gets rid of bomb and saves everyone. Except his family.
Bruce decide to adopt Dick – which would be okay except dat, later in movie, Batman refers to him as a “college student”, meaning he be at least 18 years old. So Bruce Wayne trying to adopt another man! And when Dick say he not interested, sugar daddy Bruce bribe him wit his own motorcycle.
Meanwhile, plenty of stoopid tings happen. Batmobile races up side of building. Edward Nigma take supervillain persona of de Riddler, inspired by a Riddler bobble-head doll. He selling speshul t.v. dat does – monster not sure what – to people in Gotham. Riddler drop in on Two Face and dey team up against Batman while…
Back at stately Wayne manor, Dick show off his kung fu laundry moves. Really. He strut his stuff, squeezing out his laundry and hanging it up on de Wayne manor clothesline – becuz, me guess, Bruce Wayne too cheap to buy a dryer. Does he also make Alfred cook his meals over de fireplace?
Edward Nigma trows party. He suggest Bruce try out his weird brainwave t.v. For some reazon, brilliant Bruce Wayne tink dis is a good idea and takes him up on his offer. Den, Two Face crash party. Batman chases him away and almost killed but saved by Dick.
Riddler and Two Face take a peek at Bruce Wayne’s stolen brainwaves and see a bat so dey figure he must be Batman becuz NOBODY else in Gotham would ever tink of a bat! Riddler and Two Face crash Wayne manor, shoot Bruce Wayne in de head and…don’t kill him even tho that’s what they’ve been trying to do for de entire movie. Instead, dey blow up batcave, leave a riddle and kidnap Chase.
Bruce and Alfred put their heads together and figure out Riddler’s riddles. Each has a number. Each number corresponds to a letter of de alfabet: MRE. Mr. E! Mystery! Or another word for mystery be enigma! Mr. Enigma! Great and SO WHAT?! Instead of wasting time solving riddles, why not look up in de sky where Riddler shining a giant “?” and follow de source of de “?”-signal back to his hideout?
Dick show up, now in costume (dat Alfred made for him). Dey head out, Batman and Robin, partners!
Batman and Robin crash Riddler’s HQ. Robin almost kill Two Face but save him instead so he captured. Batman given choice – save Chase or Robin. He saves both. Den, he kill Two Face by confusing him wit multiple coins, and drive Riddler crazy by turning his brainwave machine against him.
Movie end wit Riddler at Arkham Asylum, convinced he is Batman. Bruce Wayne, meanwhile, gets de girl and live happily ever after wit Chase Meridian. Just like he lived happily ever after wit Vicky Vale.
VERDIKT: Great set designs and costumes. Crummy skript. Same old story for de Batman franchise. Mebbe dey get it right de next time.
RATING: 3 chocolate chippee cookies out of 10.
Next week, me review Mighty Morphin Power Rangers:
Monster have a feeling dis movie gonna be de shit.
I liked The Riddler, mostly because he was an over the top, genuinely crazy bad guy with no morales or redeeming features, up until the very end he was 100 percent by the book crazy.
Not many movies these days have characters as twisted and as nuts as him and Two face lol
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, can’t say I’ve seen this movie since I was a kid, It’s a good by the book movie following all the generic plot points a standard hero movie has.
Bad guys, good guys in mortal danger, revelations, climax, bad guys doing more bad stuff, showdown, end.
The movie is like 17 years old now
Yes, Cookie, Batman Forever was very lame especially the part where Dick Grayson’s family were the only ones who were killed.It’s amazing what kind of writing people will put up with in a movie. That being said, I’m not sure I agree with your assessment of next week’s movie. 🙂 When hubby and I started dating, we watched Power Rangers for fun. Yes, I know we were very lame. 😉 When you mentioned that MMPR would be next week’s movie, I was inspired to look up the link to one of the songs from the movie. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bwi8m4SIejE That was when I was going through my Van Halen stage. Amazing what almost twenty years will do. LOL
Have a great night!!
Lisa R.
“Mebbe dey get it right de next time.”
George Clooney to the rescue…..
This movie still has the best line from a villian ever in batman film “Riddle me this, Riddle me that. Whose afraid. Of. The big. Black. Bat!”
That was a hilarious review.
I saw Batman Forever back in the day. I didn’t walk out on that one.
I didn’t love it or even like it but Jim Carey was just funny enough to me and Val Kilmer and Chris O’Donnell together were just hot enough to keep my attention. Funny, I didn’t find them that hot separately. So thanks, Cookie, for putting a word to that phenomenon. I am no less confused.
Oh, wait, now I remember who dragged me and about ten other people to see this movie – that guy my parents wanted me to marry. He was a HUGE Val Kilmer fan. I AM less confused.
Spoiler for next Batman movie:
S
P
O
I
L
E
R
Batman doesn’t get it right the next time.
—
I think I saw MMPR back in the day, too. If I’m remembering correctly, the movie was a much smoother experience than the show. I’ll try watching with my kids this time around. My kids definitely couldn’t handle the jarring visuals of the show, but they might not beg me to stop watching the movie.
——
Cookie, I owe you an apology. I saw too many movies in the theaters in the ’90’s. Someone paid to see this crap and it was me and sometimes my dates. I apologize for my part in making these movies happen.
I remembered I didn’t care much for this movie the first time I saw it. My opinion has not changed one bit in all these years. To me, the whole thing was a bunch of annoying, self-conscious noise. The look and feel of the movie, the flat, cartoonish dialogue, even the Gotham City look was just… too much.
It also allowed Jim Carrey completely free reign to indulge in his most obnoxious, overacting tendencies. I can’t remember if that worked in mid-90’s or not. Wait, yes I do. It didn’t.
The whole circus thing seemed like such a bizarre place for a first date, but I suppose how are you going to arrange the plot so that Bruce would be present when the acrobat Dick (*ahem*) loses his family? Such conundrums whence awkward plot contrivances are born! Anyway. That whole circus thing was also completely over the (big) top, but I guess that was totally in keeping with the rest of the movie.
I totally agree Cookie, about the part where they left Bruce Wayne alive, after spending the entire REST OF THE MOVIE trying to kill him. As you would say, What the Fudge-O? Of course, it made no sense, and if it did it would stand out too much from the rest of the movie and therefore kind of does make sense. If that makes sense. And yes, when the Riddler has LASERs painting his symbol in the sky, and the police ask, “Where is it coming from??!!”, I was thinking “Just follow the LASERs back to the source, you idiots! They’re actually POINTING the way!”
Other random nit-picks:
Why do they have the Batmobile accelerator pulling BACKWARD to go faster? That’s completely counter-intuitive.
What was with the Voodoo ravers? What kind of Gotham subculture is that and do they do anything else than idly molest random blands, er, blondes?
Val Kilmer’s perpetually expressionless duckface was both annoying and constantly distracting.
I will say the final scene in the asylum was not bad, but the rest was just a heaping pile of guano. Blech.
I remember liking this movie when it first came out. But that was a long time ago. My tastes have changed.
@ Randomness – RE: Michael. Yeah, Michael wanted to belong, and I like how you put it. He just couldn’t handle the aloneness. However, I would suggest that his need to belong was also because of his Wraithness. He had been part of a hive (for thousands of years, perhaps), and to have had that and then suddenly lose it must have been devastating. He became a pariah, and that just wasn’t part of his nature, be it Wraith, or human.
@ Deni – Oh, shut up. 😆 😉 😛
das
Questions for (poor) Cookie Monster:
1. What do you think about the ever changing face (literally) of Batman? Constantly dfferent actors playing the next Batman good or bad?
2.. What’s a “giant codpiece”? 😕 Don’t make me google it.
3. OMG. I was just wondering today if you could adopt an adult. How did you know Cookie? (I swear)
Another great review Mr. Monster. You can make entertainment out of stoopid.
I’m glad that Cookie sees Batman and Robiin as at least bi if not totally gay…
Why else would 2 guys dress in plastic chest inhancers, codpieces and latex?
@ Ponytail – If you have to ask what a codpiece is, you obviously have not been to a Renaissance Faire, or a leather bar. 😉
Looking forward to Cookie’s explanation on this one. 😀
das
Go, go, PO-WER RANG-ERS! I’m sure I’ve got a pile of Power Ranger action figures stashed away in the basement somewhere. I’ll definitely try to watch this one. I did sort of enjoy the TV series (in small doses), especially the bumbling evil minions Bulk and Skull.
Had to skip Batman; too busy with life stuff.
Re: Wraith – I’ll just agree to disagree with all the Wraith-haters out there.
@ Sparrowhawk – No worries, dear. It just means more Wraith for us! Which really is best, since you know how much I hate to share. 😉
das
I really hadn’t remembered much about this movie, and only tracked down a copy yesterday. Now I remember why I wasn’t interested in getting a copy for my library earlier. Cookie Monater et al have made all the pertinent comments. I will just throw in a few random notes of my own for the fun of it.
First, how does Battie manage to fight effectively in that getup? He can hardly bend in that suit. And the Alfred made Robin costume robs Dickie of his biggest advantage, his alleged agility. Second, tlj and Jim Carrey had more fun than anyone ! No doubt hamming it up Because of the insanely high salaries they drew for producing this dreck. Tiredly, use of the tv brain sucker supposedly stole intelligence from the viewers and gave it to the receivers, I.e. Riddler. If that is true, then he must have been the third or fourth villain to use such a device. The lack of any appreciable increase in his apparantly intellect suggests the Gotham citizens were already sucked dry, or never had enough iq to register, much less steal. On a related matter, this whole plot contrivance just fell flat, With no payoff at the end. Much like the. Entire movie.. Fourthly, what is it about Battie? He chases after the villains at the beginning and end of the movies, even when he knows it’s a trap. But in the middle of the movie the villains go on a spree of crimes, and no sign of the leather winged one? No bat signals? Fifthly,(and last), what is it about the iq of people?even the presumably brainy, isfahan rather neurotic shrink can’t figure out the relationship between bats and Bruce, even after Robin/Dickie show up. Of course, Metropolites suffer the same defect with Superman/kent, so maybe it’s a DC comics thing.
Well, now to search for the Power Rangers movie. Dreading that, but having survived some of the other selections here, I will cope. And eventually we will have to get to some food movies. Won’t we?
Have a great day and thanks for the great review by Cookie Monster.
I remember watching this movie at a theater in Juneau, Alaska when I used to work on a cruise ship. It was one of those old fashioned theaters where there was just one really big screen and a man walking up and down the aisles with a flashlight shining it on you if you had your feet up on the chairs or were making out in the back row. Was like going back in time 20 years! I think it would appeal more to the ladies as there is quite a bit of eye candy for the ladies which is a great asset when the plot is not so good.
Cookie Monster’s reviews are internet gold, and not even Sy-Fy can shut this weekly ‘show’ down 🙂
Hang in there, Cookie! The good super hero movies are coming up in Iron Man, Captain America (?), Thor, and The Avengers. Your reviews are great. They get more chocolate chippee cookies than the movies. 🙂
And a unique dining experience. A new meaning for “haute cuisine.” Locations around the world, including Las Vegas. Pretty cool, but don’t know if I’d be brave enough. Joe, you may not want to look…
http://laughingsquid.com/dinner-in-the-sky-an-exclusive-dining-experience-160-feet-in-the-air/
http://www.dinnerintheskylv.com/
Yeah, giant codpieces and a manic Jim make up for many sins.
Now I’m craving fish and chips, dammit.
I’m sorry, but it’s kinda hard not snickering like a prepubescent schoolboy when your job includes taking inventory of ball valves, gas cocks, and galvanized nipples. (Blame the codpiece discussion for putting my mind squarely in the gutter today. 😛 )
Okie dokie, back to work!
das
I just had a thought: Maybe the Riddler’s TV Brain-Sucking Device was actually some of metaphor for how the movie itself was actually sucking the intelligence of the movie’s own audience. I practically had trouble remembering my name by the time it was over. Eh, I’m probably giving them too much credit.
Ugh, some KIND of metaphor. See, it’s still having an effect.
@for the love of Beckett
Dinner in the sky? Oh god, I’ld be too scared to do something like that, not that afraid of heights or anything but technical problems or anything that goes wrong in that experience could be like.. life ending.
Wouldn’t be too fussed if it was suspended above the ocean or some water, at the very most if the thing falls, a well timed jump into the water and you’re likely to come away from the dining experience a little shaken but alive lol
VERY brave people in that video on the website you quoted in your comment at Joe.
to Ponytail;
about question #3 i always thought that 17 or 18 was the maximum age for adoption, but then i heard that rich old guy anna nicole smith married wanted to adopt her at first.
also there’s this;
http://www.legalzoom.com/marriage-divorce-family-law/adoption/can-you-legally-adopt
Val Kilmer is not my “fav” Batman… It’s just like James Bond so many different actors playing the same character. I enjoyed the the interaction between Two-Face and Riddler but the rest was a flop!!
I am NOT watching Power Rangers and the fact that Cookie Monster is going to sit though it… You deserve a medal Cooke Monster!
What does fish and chips have to do with codpieces??
Oh and Joe, Ivon’s little brother Jef got a one-on-one date with the Bachlorette. She seems to really like him. Must be the Bartok good looks!
@Ponytail: “What does fish and chips have to do with codpieces??” Well, we know that codSPERM is an edible option, so it’s not a big leap.
Speaking of gross food, could you, would you, in the dark?
http://foodbeast.com/content/2012/06/12/this-zombie-bread-will-make-you-a-man-or-make-you-sick/