I realize this may sound a tad crazy, but I actually believe I’m being harassed by gremlins. Last month, it was the water damage in the furnace room. Weeks later, my satellite stops working. The other day, my cell phone dies on me. This morning, I go to turn on the t.v. and am greeted by a loud pop not unlike a balloon bursting. Suddenly, my plasma has been transformed into the world’s most expensive radio. I can hear the broadcast but the screen is dark. I hop in the car to run some errands and – PING! – a little orange light on my dashboard informs me that my right brake light needs servicing.
One, two, maybe even three of these things happening to me within a one-month period I could chalk up to coincidence. But five?! No, the only logical explanation is gremlins. Well, gremlins or some sort of curse.
I’m kind of bummed because there was a masseuse that used to come by the production offices a couple of years ago who, beside offering massages, also offered psychic services. It said so right on her card: Masseuse, Healer, Psychic. If I remember correctly, she also sold Mangosteen juice out of the back of a van. Unfortunately, I threw away her card ages ago thinking “Hey, when the hell am I ever going to need a psychic?”. And now look at me. Okay, granted, a psychic probably wouldn’t be able to help me with the gremlin/curse problem, but she probably could have put me in touch with a good exorcist or carpenter. I understand they all hang in the same circles.
Of course, far be it for me to make fun of psychics. Someone I know actually swears by them. They even played me a recording from their last visit to demonstrate the clairvoyant’s uncanny abilities. The sessions go something like:
Psychic: I’m seeing the letter L. L as in Larry. Leo. Lawrence. Lex. Lana. Lacey. Laura.
Friend: I have an Aunt Lori.
Psychic: Has she been sick?
Friend: No. She’s as strong as an ox.
Psychic: Tell her to bundle up this Winter. I see possible pneumonia in her future.
Friend: Oh, dear.
Psychic: I’m also seeing a man whose name starts with the letter P. Peter. Paul. Perry. Friend: Pat?
Psychic: Yes, Pat! You shouldn’t trust him.
Friend: He’s my neighbor. He borrowed my trowel last week.
Psychic: You should get it back. Also, he covets your azalea.
Friend: I knew it!
So, are there any bona fide psychics out there who could pinpoint the source of these supernatural afflictions and help rid me of their nefarious machinations. Or, at the very least, take a look at my picture tube?
Hey, what’s everybody reading? I hope it’s Kage Baker’s In the Garden of Iden because it is July’s SF Book of the Month Club selection and, in a little over a week, Kage will be dropping by to answer your comments and queries about the book. So finish up and start composing your thoughts for the discussion which begins the week of June 30th. And if you haven’t started…What are you waiting for?!
Congratulations go out to the randomly selected winners of the previous BOTMC discussions (The Blade Itself/The Android’s Dream/Crawlers): Jens and Ytimynona! I’ve sent you both emails regarding the prize so get back to me!
Today’s pics: Kung Fu Scotsman and such.
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