I put the day to good use: sleeping in, working out, reading up, hanging out, and generally lolly-gagging, dilly-dallying, shilly-shallying, dawdling, frittering, and toddling. No, strike that. There was no toddling. Still, it was a fairly relaxing day marked by little of note with the exception of that makeover segment on Oprah. In fact, I accomplished so little today that I began to feel a little guilty (I mean, technically it is Labor Day after all) Well, what better way to assuage said guilt and experience a fine sense of accomplishment than by doing a little writing. Specifically, a little letter-writing to those emailing con artists.
Well, con artist – one Martin Holme who has his hands full trying to scam both my alter ego Baron Destructo AND the not-quite-widowed Margaret Quibble.
When last Baron Destructo heard from Martin, Mr. Holme sounded mighty fed up. “I think we have tried enough for you to comply over this issue!”he wrote. Well, I did a little tinkering with his response and transformed his angry reprimand to “This is to acknowledged the receipt of the rocket boots” complete with Mr. Holmes’ fancy yellow script and letterhead. Above this purported response, Baron Destructo wrote back:
“Dearest Human Refuse,
I sincerely hope you are enjoying the use of the rocket boots. But don’t have too much fun as you may end up unwilling to part with them when the times comes – ha ha ha! Although, in all seriousness, when the time comes, reluctant or not, I‘m sure we‘ll have no problem detaching them from your barbecued clodhoppers.
Speaking of barbecuing – would you be so kind as to re-confirm your address for me. I sent two of my associates to the address you provided in one of your previous emails. They decimated the building only to later discover they had unwittingly destroyed Cotonou’s only orthopedic center. Dr. Catastro and the Purple Lamprey were understandably mortified.
In any case, if you would be so kind as to forward me the correct address at your earliest convenience, it would be much appreciated.
As always, thank you for keeping the dream alive.
Cc: Calamitous Jane, Glaxnor the Miscreant, Sinderella Washington, Xxxaptak’qul, Dr. Catastro, Dr. Disastro, Dr. Quinn Meddlesome Woman, Ray Mephistopheles, Archfiend Animus, Brutus Badly, the Plague Zombies, Vorzik the Planet Squisher, the Malevolater, Count Sinister, Kugal Baruth, Death Knell, Star Father Celestio, Shatterdam, Princess Arcana, the Mystifier, the Procrastinator, the Soul Emancipator, Quickstrike, Professor Frosty, Flamer the Flaming Man, the Pummeler, the Purple Lamprey, and John Tesh.”
Margaret Quibble’s request to have the $950 000 promised her delivered directly to her husband’s kidnappers was met with some expected resistance on the part of Mr. Holmes. He explained that since she was the designated winner of the $950 000, she was the only one who could legally receive the cash. Undaunted, Margaret Quibble wrote back:
Margaret Quibble here. Again, thank you for your help in dealing with my husband’s kidnappers. I’ve informed the FBI of your intended participation and they would like to speak with you. What would be the best way for them to contact you, via email or phone?
Copying and pasting the seemingly official F.B.I. logo embedded into the email sent me by another email scammer, I sent an impressive-looking message to Mr. Holmes from veteran Federal agent Felix Wexler:
“Dear Mr. Holme,
Agent Felix Wexler of the F.B.I. here. I’d like to thank you for agreeing to assist in the Quibble investigation. Since you have volunteered to meet with the kidnappers when the time comes, the bureau will require some personal information from you, specifically:
1. Your shoe size.
2. Any food allergies that may affect your field performance (ie. peanuts, persimmons, Dijon mustard)
3. Date of last haircut.
4. Passport number (if traveling in from a foreign location).
5. Approximate annual income.
6. Detailed job description.
7. Religious affiliation.
8. Bellybutton positioning (ie. Inny? Outy?).
9. Do you own your own teeth?
10. Next of kin (in the vent things go horribly awry).
Again, thank you for helping us out and potentially putting your life at risk. For your protection, the F.B.I. has run a back-trace on your email and account and is dispatching agents to your home in the event the kidnappers seek payback of any sort (as they are usually wont to do).
Agent Felix Wexler
Federal Bureau of Investigation”
I’ll keep you updated as the investigation progresses.
Today’s pics: Yep. More Harmony.
Today’s video: Director Will Waring sizes up the day (click on the date).
Boring Dull is ROFLMAO writes: “Joe, next time you decide to spam my blog with an “anonymous” comment about me being a thickhead it might be an idea if you, you know, PUBLISH my comment first so other people apart from you might know about this blog and “anonymously” post comments there…Enjoy posting anonymous comments on your own blog. It seems to be the only way you can generate attention and controversy.”
Answer: You flatter yourself. For starters, I have never used (or, for that matter, never seen or heard anyone else use) the noun “thickhead” as in “you are a thickhead”. Nevertheless, knowing what little about you I do, I can see how you could inspire someone to feats of linguistic ingenuity. Second, if I was to give anyone a verbal smackdown, I’d do it here on my blog where others can decry.exult in my outre witticisms. Third, have your read Use of Weapons by Iain M. Banks? It’s a little confusing at first but, ultimately, a very rewarding read. I highly recommend it. Fourth, your previous comments weren’t published because they were obnoxious and critical of the cast on a personal level. Fifth, no offense but if I wanted to generate controversy, the last thing I’d do is make an anonymous post to your blog.
PG15 writes: “Can we expect extreme damage for one of the Atlantis vehicles in the near future?”
Answer: Extreme to say the least. Yep.
Jedi writes: “Will we find out if Sheppard has any siblings in S4?”
Answer: We will in Outcast.
Kath in Baltimore writes: “Is it common for a producer to go along on every location shoot?”
Answer: Some productions have on-set producers but, in the case of Stargate, our experienced directors are de facto on-set producers. Still, with my script work and editing duties complete, I am now free to go out on location and answer script-related questions or badger the director.
Majorsal writes: “How much chocolate would i have to bribe you with to insure those 12 outtakes of the ‘grace’ kiss would make it to a video?”
Answer: Sorry. SG-1 outtakes are out of my hands.
Redtwin writes: “Why is “Outcast” being rewritten?”
Answer: No script is perfect in its first draft so, yes, all scripts are rewritten to various degrees.
Anonymous #1 writes: “Do you think the kidnappers would take my gekko houdini in exchange for Sid”s fuzzy little life?”
Answer: You could email them and ask.
Michelle writes: “Fondy’s store looks so bright and inviting, I’m sure it will do well. I’d somehow thought it was going to be a doggy spa, as in grooming, pedicures or whatever else is chic these days. Will that be offered as well?”
Answer: Eventually, yes.
Anna writes: “Do you happen to know if Jonas was killed in season 9 when Kelowna fell to the Ori?”
Answer: We never explored this but, in my mind, Jonas went underground and is still alive somewhere, resisting the Ori army.
Fishbaum writes: “So, as I understand it, you and Paul Mullie are the show-runners. How come we almost never hear you talk about Paul in this blog? We hear and see lots on Gero, Binder, and all the directors…. “
Answer: Paul prefers to keep a low profile unlike the other clowns, so you don’t hear from his as much.
Charles Schneider writes: “When you first started working in televisin did you begin as a full writer or as a PA? How did you break into the business?”
Answer: I broke into the business as an animation writer. I sold my first pitch and script to The Busy World of Richard Scarry, a 7 minute episode titled Patrick Pig Learn to Talk. After working in animation for a number of years (developing, writing, and story-editing) I eventually made the move to live-action – half-hour teen sitcoms, one hour action-adventures, and, finally, Stargate.
Anonymous #2 writes: “Which season 4 episode are you most proud of so far?”
Answer: So far? Our season premiere, Adrift, is pretty damn impressive.
Sanura writes: “Are the scripts exclusively writer-edited and tweaked by performers, or is there somebody who does a copy pass for proofing errors?”
Answer: That would be Alex Levine.
Anonymous #3 writes: “When an actor pitches a script like Joe Flan did for “Outcast” once he makes a suggestion, is that all the input he has?”
Answer: That depends on how busy they are, how involved they choose to be and, more importantly, how quickly we have to get the script out.
Susan W. writes: “Are there any official channels by which fans or other members of the public might submit an idea or even a script that you *could* read it and/or use it if it has merit? Is there a particular address or person to whom such could be sent, or a way of disclaiming ownership that would make it possible for you?”
Answer: I’m sure there are a lot of great ideas out there but, at present, we aren’t seeking outside submissions.
Supreme Commander Thor writes: “Could I link the odd blog photo on our Facebook SG:A group?”
Anon Y. Mous writes: “Can you tell us if any episodes are fully complete and ready for airing? How far in advance of airing are the episodes due at Sci-Fi? How do you determine if an episode needs a “previously on” segment and who makes that decision the producers or the writers?”
Answers: Yes, a number of episodes are complete (Adrift, Lifeline, Missing, Doppelganger, and Travelers come to mind). As for how far in advance of airing the episodes “are due” at Sci-Fi – it varies. This year, we had plenty of time to deliver as our premiere was pushed back to late September. Re: the previously on. The producers are the writers and we make the call although we’ll honor specific SciFi requests.
Martine a ecrit: “1) Quelle scène ou cascade a été la plus difficile a réaliser ? 2) Quelle séquence a nécessité plusieurs prises avant d’obtenir le résultat voulu ? 3) Est ce que vous appréciez les pâtisseries françaises ?”
Reponses: 1) Trio sera le plus difficile. 2) Il y avait plusieurs séquences compliqués cette année. 3) J’adore les pâtisseries françaises.