The sad thing about trying to correspond with scammers is that you rarely hear back from them after the initial missive. More often than not, they just give up and try their luck elsewhere which makes for a depressingly empty junk folder. And just when I figured Ali was a delightful exception to the rule, I was thrilled to discover an email awaiting me from Patrick Chan this morning. Patrick wrote:
Thank you for your response, just to prove my integrity; I have attached to this mail a copy of the certificate of deposit that was issued to the late General on the day he deposited the funds in my bank. I will at this very point want you to confirm your seriousness and willingness to follow up with this project along with the requested information.
Alas, I didn’t open the attachment, but I did respond:
“DEAR FRIEND sounds so constrained. Loosen up. I think we’ve moved past formalities. How about I call you Patty Cakes and you call me Fancypants (as my various trousers are nothing if not fancy). Great.
Well Patty Cakes, thanks for the certificate. I’ve had it framed and it now adorns my bedroom wall right between auntie Lucretia’s macramé owl and my autographed poster of Erik Estrada. You’ll be happy to hear that your little memento will be the first thing I see when I open my eyes every morning (provided I am not staring straight up, lying on my back, or facing the window). I would like to send a little something your way as well and I was thinking either one-bite brownies or my high school certificate of merit for missing the least number of sick days. Do you have a preference? Let me know.
Also, I noticed you didn’t answer my tree question (If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?). I think we can both agree that if we are going to take this relationship to the next level, we need to get to know each other and that means opening up, so, I would really appreciate an answer to my tree question.
In the meantime, here are a few more interesting things you might like to know about me:
I am a long-time yoga enthusiast and so, despite the fact that I am in my late sixties and weigh in excess of 300lbs, I am extremely pliant (if you know what I mean…wink, wink).
I am violently allergic to banana skins and, as a result, must have the fruit peeled for me.
Three years ago, I had a near-death experience after choking on a piece of whitefish. I found myself on a giant skating rink where I was reunited with my deceased uncle Rolf, H.R. Pufnstuf, and the late Otto Von Bismarck. I asked after my father but uncle Rolf told me that he couldn’t be bothered to make the long trip (which, incidentally, was typical of my dad so I knew he was telling the truth). Then, as I was about to strap on the skates Otto had brought me, I found myself back in the dining hall at Scurvy Pete’s Seafood Emporium. My doctor insists I imagined the whole thing but, just between you and me, of course he would say that. Doctors don’t want you to know how pleasant the afterlife really is because, if you did, no one would bother with their services anymore. It’s all part of a larger conspiracy involving the world bank, UFO’s, and that guy who played Mr. Belvedere which I’d be happy to tell you about in GREAT DETAIL in my next email.
My collection of wood ear mushrooms shaped like the state of Wisconsin is second to none.
Counting the hours until you write back –
Yours in the spirit of The Great Old Ones,
All Hail Shib-Niggurath,
Percival H. Lintmuffin”
I had to actually scour my alternate email’s junk folder to dig up this other potential pen pal who wrote:
“DEAR FRIEND, I KNOW THIS WILL COME TO YOU AS A SURPRISE BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. I AM MR. DAVID KOJO, I WORK IN THE CENTRAL BANK OF GHANA…”
To which I responded:
“Of course I know! David Kojo! It’s me, Merton Castrati. I used to sit behind you in Mrs. Haversham’s Geology class! Despite being such a loser dink in high school, you’ve obviously done very well for yourself. Last I’d heard you’d settled down with Imogene Carruthers and were raising llamas in Tupalu. What happened?
Your former classmate,
Onto the day’s Q&A –
PG15 writes: “Which episode in Season 4 thus far has used the most CGI?”
Answer: Hard to say given the various stages of development in each case. Given the early episodes, I’d have to go with Adrift.
Bex writes: “Could you pleaase send some positive thoughts all the way over to york uk?”
Answer: Done and done.
Majorsal writes: “Besides ‘THE SEER’, is there another sam centric storyline for a sam fan to look forward to?”
Answer: I’m reluctant to suggest any specific episode as there are stories in which she plays an important part but may not be the point of focus. I’d say Reunion is a good episode for the Carter character. Is it a character-centric episode though? I’d have to say no.
Anonymous #1 writes: “So you think certain literary criticism and theory regarding Julius Ceasar is intellectual masturbation, or you think literary theory in general is intellectual masturbation?”
Answer: Depends on the literary theory. For instance, I find historical and social interpretations of the text interesting while I find a process like deconstructionism an essentially hollow exercise.
Anonymous #2 writes: “Ooh, I don’t know, Joe. Torri said at the convention that she was awfully blindsided by you guys with First Strike.”
Answer: Sorry, I don’t follow. Are you trying to make a point?
M writes: “ How’s the holiday so far? Have you caught up on more Pratchett?”
Answer: Yup, I read Reaper Man. Certain passages had me laughing out loud.
Firefly827347 writes: “have you ever seen the show Dexter? The character which gives his name to the show reminds me a bit of you. Okay, so he’s a serial killer in his spare time…”
Answer: I watched the first season and bless your heart.
Susan the Turtle writes: “Did your Pug (Jelly I think) lie in that very ladylike pose just for the photograph?”
Answer: Actually, that’s Bubba who bones seem to be made of jelly.
Crazymom writes: “Are we going to see Wolsey in Atlantis anytime soon?”
Answer: Woolsey will be dropping on for The Seer.
Jenny Robin writes: “My kitty is still very ill, and I’ve decided that darker forces are at work. Are you sure you didn’t Super-Evil-Villain-ify her?”
Answer: Impossible. My dark forces are animal-friendly.
Anonymous #3 writes: “We will know the father of teyla’s baby in the first or the second half of season 4?”
Answer: We will know very early.
Windshieldbug writes: “By the way, I have a new recipe up on my blog. Try it out! YUM!”
Answer: Shrimpy Vulcans! To quote Teal’c – “Yum indeed.”
Mackenziesmomma writes: “QOTD- Anymore sushi recomendations?”
Answer: If you’re feeling a little braver, try the spicy tuna maki or the unagi nigiri.
Fishbaum writes: “I don’t know how to pronounce your name. Is it Mal-OH-zee or Mal-OT-zee?”
Answer: The latter.
Talitha writes: “Will we see more of the Wraith worshippers in season 4?”
Answer: It’s an element we will be exploring in season four.
Alipeeps writes: “So what did you think of The Wasp Factory then?”
Answer: I’m really enjoying Player of Games.
Anonymous #4 writes: “Since season 4 is already planned out, I assume you mean for season 5 or for the character to be added at the very end of season 4.”
Answer: Not necessarily. All I said was that I was thinking about it.
Joe Bucket writes: “All I ask would be a small fee of $10,000,000(US), in order for my family to be re-housed.”
Answer: Your check is in the mail. Let me know when it arrives as the postal service has been most unreliable of late.