My comfy seat afforded me an unobstructed view through the restaurant’s big bay window to the neighboring KFC parking lot where the shirtless crystal meth addict was putting on a grand performance: pacing, gesticulating wildly, muttering to himself. “What are you looking at?”asked Fondy, craning her neck to peer out the window, no doubt suspecting I was checking out the passing hotties. “Ah, nothing,”I lied and redirected my gaze back down to the menu.

We were at White Spot, one of Vancouver’s best-known hamburger (etc.) franchises. For the first two years I lived in the city, I drove by their various locations countless times, never suspecting they served food. For some reason, I assumed they were a dry cleaning operation. In time, however, I was enlightened and even delighted by their tasty chicken sandwiches and atypically tasty veggie burgers. That lasted a good solid year until I discovered the virtues of Vera’s Burger Shack and Moderne Burger. Still, as far as fast food joints go, White Spot ain’t bad. And, if you actually eat in, you have an even larger menu to choose from. Granted, most of it uninspired, but still. Who can say no to a butterscotch milkshake?

Well, me on this night. In fact, I found myself saying no to a lot as I looked over the menu once, a second time, and, finally, a third time. Figuring my choices weren’t going to be any different on my fourth go-around, I decided on something called Puerto Vallarta Salad. I know, I know. I was asking for it. But if you had been in my place and seen what I had to work with, you’d have been hard-pressed to make a better selection. Fondy, meanwhile, went with the beef dip and a side salad.

As I awaited my meal, I kicked back and watched the show. Outside, the drug-addled fellow poured an entire carton of milk over his head and waved his arms. A family heading back to their car left the restaurant through the back entrance, did an about-face, cut back through the establishment and left through the front instead. By the time the police pulled up, our meals were on their way.

“Oh, crap, I hope that’s not mine,”I murmured, catching sight of the enormous football-size salad nestled in a yawning tortilla shell headed in our general direction. Alas, it was. And so, while Fondy enjoyed her beef dip, I picked through my overdressed salad, avoiding the wilted leaves in favor of the perfectly processed chicken strips, the cherry tomatoes, and the corn and black bean medley.

By the time dessert rolled around, the show was over. The cops and the erstwhile young parking lot performer had called it a night. Fondy savored her Mountain Madness, a cream puff, whipped cream, chocolate and butterscotch monstrosity, and I suffered a middling hot fudge brownie with ice cream that had been served to me with a fork. Seriously. Who eats ice cream with a fork?

So, junkie theatrics aside, a mighty forgettable meal, but if my trip to White Spot taught me anything, it was this: If you’re visiting a burger joint, don’t order the salad. A powerful lesson learned.

I am touched beyond words. Lately, I’ve been losing prospective pen pals at an alarming rate, responding once to their business proposals and then never hearing from them again. So imagine my surprise and delight when I checked my yahoo inbox and discovered a response to my response to Patrick Chan. If you read yesterday’s blog entry (and if you didn’t, what are you waiting for?), you’ll remember Patrick as the industrious fellow seeking out a business partner to help him free up the $24 million dollars left behind by a long-dead Iraqi General. Undeterred by my response in which I explained I was an independently wealthy widower with tons of money facing a deadly prognosis of Advanced Reverse Alopecia, Patrick wrote back:

“…I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness
and committment to execute this transaction with me,I cannot afford to
compromise these virtues considering the money involved,it is necessary
for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction,
my trust is not given out lightly. What I expect from you is trust and commitment…”

What a sweetheart. Today, I wrote him back:

“Dear Pat,

I don’t know what to say. I am also looking for that certain someone, that special person with whom to form a lasting relationship built on trust and commitment. And, like you, I refuse to compromise my virtues, or my Cthulhu faith. I am thrilled at the prospect of taking our burgeoning relationship a step further. To that end, here is a little more about me. I enjoy moonlit nights, walks on the beach, and kabuki productions of Gilbert and Sullivan. My dislikes include dishonest people, fennel seeds, and Jim Lampley. If last week, someone had asked me “What kind of tree are you?”, I would have answered “A weeping willow” but today, heartened by your response to my email, I would answer “A GLADiola.” Although, now that I think about it, a gladiola is really a plant and not a tree so if you were to going to be a stickler, I suppose I’d have to go with elm which isn’t as clever but is a noble tree nevertheless. Still, one could argue that a tree is, in fact, a woody plant, so my first answer could still be acceptable. What do you think? What kind of tree would you be? (And you can’t pick gladiola or elm, you cheeky thing).

Looking forward to hearing from you soon and…?

Yours in the spirit of The Great Old Ones,
The Great, Dead and Dreaded Kulhu

Percival H. Lintmuffin”

Mailbag –

Steph writes: “Whether silly, stupid or insightful, your responses always make me laugh…”

Answer: Stupid?

Annoyed with fandom writes: “You recently mentioned that you had a M.A. in Renaissance Drama. Just curious… What was the title of your thesis?”

Answer: The Subversion of Meaning in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. I essentially adopted an anti lit crit approach to the text which I feel is little more than intellectual masturbation (which is why I found all of the search for hidden meanings in the last episode of The Sopranos so delightfully silly, pretentious, and useless).

Poundpuppy29 writes: “Will there be any emotional scenes between Ronon & Teyla in season 4?”

Answer: Yup. A really sweet one in Be All My Sins Remember’d.

WannaBe writes: “Do you ever read anything other than Sci-Fi or Fantasy? Like a good mystery/thriller now and then? Even a romance/romantic suspense?”

Answer: Occasionally. I read The Wasp Factory the other day.

Namiko writes: “Do you also like Japanese style dumplings, like gyoza?”

Answer: I do!

Anonymous #1 writes: “If you do add a Historian/Archeologist type of character (who is also an expert in Ancient) to the Atlantis cast, would that be as a recurring character or as a regular character?”

Answer: Given the show’s standing structure, he/she would have to be recurring.

63 thoughts on “July 9, 2007

  1. Hey Joe!

    Here’s question for ya: which episode in Season 4 thus far has used the most CGI?

  2. Oh, and congratulations; I got nauseous just reading that response. I’m sure that’s the effect you were going for.

  3. At least you had some entertainment with your dinner!

    As John Pinette says, salad is not food. Salad is a promissory note that food will arrive.

  4. Since you say you occasionally read mystery/thrillers (and you obviously have a well-developed sense of humor), have you ever read any of Tim Dorsey’s books?

  5. hello joe, could you pleaase send some positive thoughts all the way over to york uk? We (york shakespeare project) are embarking on performing henry 6th (all 3 parts over 2 nights) its a bit ambitious but hey, between the bomb scare we had and the fact its a bit obscure we might need the help lol. Have you read this particular play as it seems to be little known? check it out here on the directors blog

    also at!

  6. joe, i love your humor!:p i’m often telling my mom about your blog entries, and she said i sound like i’m talking about a friend. i liked her saying that. 😉

    besides ‘THE SEER’, is there another sam centric storyline for a sam fan to look forward to?

    sally 😀

  7. Pug! Pug cuteness! I will not be swayed, Joe. I shall not adopt a pug! You can’t seduce me to the Pug-side!

    Pardon, but I’m still laughing at the innocence you displayed by buying a salad at a burger joint.

    Ah, was I ever that young? (purel hypotheical, no need to answer).

    Perhaps you can clarify some rumblings on the ‘web. Is skiffy going to broadcast both a BSG and SGA extended teaser/trailer? I’ve heard both, but well, let’s just say where Skiffy’s involved, I’ve learned to be very careful in my yearnings.

  8. Oh, Joe, you cheeky monkey! A salad at a fast food restaurant! Ah, to be that innocent…

    I don’t suppose you’re going to throw any spoilery-bits to us spoilerwhores? It’s a very lean time for us and you know that always leads to.(cue evil Ming-like music)……board wars!

  9. So you think certain literary criticism and theory regarding Julius Ceasar is intellectual masturbation, or you think literary theory in general is intellectual masturbation?

  10. Not to be cliche, but your Puerto Vallarta Salad reminds me of a line from a movie: “This means something. This is important.” So if the Asgard ever try to contact Richard Dreyfuss looking for the football shaped salad, tell them to go to White Spot in Vancouver.

  11. Ooh, I don’t know, Joe. Torri said at the convention that she was awfully blindsided by you guys with First Strike.

  12. Is the season 4 budget for Atlantis higher than the season 3 budget? Or has it remained the same?

  13. Hiya Joe,

    I think that you’re having way too much fun with spam (not the ham)!

    Cute pic of your pug btw – guess we know who really hogs the chair!

    How’s the holiday so far? Have you caught up on more Pratchett?

    Take care,

  14. Dear lord that is a huge salad. I don’t envy you, the salads at the fast food joints over here are disgusting.
    Your response to Pat is quite possibly the most hilarious thing I’ve ever read. Well, since yesterday’s entry that is.
    I actually have a question today, have you ever seen the show Dexter? The character which gives his name to the show reminds me a bit of you. Okay, so he’s a serial killer in his spare time, but you ARE going for that supervillain thing. 😉 If you haven’t seen it, you should check it out in between multi-million dollar business ventures and writing for your blog. Oh, and the occasional Atlantis script of course…

  15. Hello! lol bon bah c etais pour vous passer le bonjour, la il est 2h du matin et je vais me coucher..j ai passer toute ma soirée a regarder des dvd de Buffy contre les vampire^^!

    Donc passer une bonne journée, et bonne quand vous vous coucherez et moi me réveillerez^^! Aller a toute a l heure!

  16. Hi

    Did your Pug (Jelly I think) lie in that very ladylike pose just for the photograph?

    Have you told your furry family about the puppy that you are definitely not getting? I hope you have enough love and cuddles for them all!

    meow/hiss/wah from Princess Merlin and Frankie

  17. Awwwww! Don’t let my stupid comment put you down! Truthful as it was, I only meant it in the best possible manner! 😉

    I’ve been kinda thinking though. Do you get a lot of your inspiration for titles and such from Shakespeare? Cause every so often, though I don’t know Shakespeare all that well, I pick up on little hints (mostly in titles) that seem to be Shakespearean in nature. Speaking of which…”Mortal Coil” refers to the human body in Macbeth, and Carson will be making a reappearance in the flesh. Coincidence? I think not. I shall now go and muse on the connection…

  18. Ah, Vancouver where else can you get dinner and a floor show so cheap.
    And in the immortal words of the great and much misunderstood philosopher Bart Simpson “You don’t make friends with salad” a mantra well worth living by.
    Just watched ‘Duet’ again, Mackay kissing Carson classic.


  19. Joe-

    PS and sorry for 2 comments….but Live Earth bombed. They were expecting 2 billion (yes, billion) to tune in. 19 million was all they got.

  20. Joe:Who eats ice cream with a fork?

    Didn’t Jack eat ice cream with a fork in “Unnatural Selection?” Or was that a spork? I know he eats Jello with a fork…

  21. Robert Picardo was great on the Closer! Are we going to see Wolsey in Atlantis anytime soon?

  22. Does Sci-Fan plan to do any cross promotions ads with Stargate Atlantis on NBC like they are doing with Eureka and like they have done in the pass with Battlestar Galactica?

  23. First–I eat ice cream with a fork, Mister Vancouver Man. Blue Bell ice cream made in Brenham, TX, to be precise.

    Second–Last Summer a sketchy looking guy walked into my store, dropped his crack pipe on the tile floor at the front of store, watched it shatter, then quickly turned around and left. I called after him saying, “Sir, Sir! You dropped your crack pipe!” I can’t imagine why he didn’t turn around.

    Third–My kitty is still very ill, and I’ve decided that darker forces are at work. Are you sure you didn’t Super-Evil-Villain-ify her?

  24. What the hell did you do to that dog? Or is he/she just recovering from a huge meal like his/her owner?

  25. Tee-hee… I love Cthulhu and te anual celebrations on Cthulhu day! The sacrifice is always my favorite…

  26. Some wonderful con reports are coming through about Torri. PLEASE bring her back!!!! It just won’t be the same without Elizabeth.

  27. Haha! I saw two people sharing that salad the other day when I had lunch at White Spot (their shrimp sandwich is delicious!). When I saw it, my eyes popped out because it was a huge dish (as you’ve found out). You should try the chicken dippers with honey mustard sauce next time- granted, it’s not exactly healthy, but their honey mustard sauce is to die for.

  28. We will know the father of teyla’s baby in the first or the second half of season 4?

  29. Hi Joe:

    Technically, if you want to leave a zero ecological footprint, you should live at your office. Then, everything you do is Bridge Studios’ responsibility. It will also give you writers incentive to put a bathroom in Atlantis.

    I’m so proud of myself. I lost 10 pounds through eating properly and exercising. Your exercise routine has inspired me to work harder to lose weight.

    And congratulations on helping all those wealthy people find each other. You could start a whole new career as a philanthropist matchmaker.


  30. Dinner and Entertainment. I won’t say you had a lucky night though. To be so silly in ordering a salad at a burger joint! The choices were that bad?!?

    Although, I do feel better that I’m not the only one that had a terrible order at dinner. I decided to play “tourist” and go to a resturant on the beach….major mistake. My grouper sandwich was soggy, cold, and tasteless. My husband has a blackened chicken and bleu cheese salad. It looked alot like your own dinner….and tasted about the same.

    From now on, I refuse to go to any seafood places that aren’t hide-a-way local spots.

    By the way, I have a new recipe up on my blog. Try it out! YUM!

  31. Evening Joe, just getting ready to settle in for a few atlantis eps with a potential new fan.

    QOTD- Anymore sushi recomendations?

  32. Hi Joe!
    I’ve just had the most horrific Stargate-related dream. In my dream I was checking out your blog and you announced that BB will guest star in Season 4 and you’ll “treat” us with a Sam/Cam kiss scene. Of course I replied reminding you that you’ve said before you liked Sam/Jack a.s.o. and you answered back saying that Sam/Cam was a better bussiness decission in the long run… Now what do you think about this little nightmare?

  33. I don’t know if you watch house… but I saw this insanely snarky and snotty kid on house this past season, and it made me think of a mini mckay. What was Rodney like as a child? Pretty much the same as he is now (and maybe like the kid on house)? Or is his attitude something that developed over time? There’s a great line in that house episode where house rules out medical reason’s for the kids behaviour and says something like “nope, your kid is just a jerk”. lol.

  34. Okay, I’m admitting it — I don’t know how to pronounce your name. Is it Mal-OH-zee or Mal-OT-zee?

    Also, since we have a release date for the SGA season 3 dvd set, does that mean all the commentaries are done? Any chance of finding out who comments on which episodes?

  35. Today (July 9) is my birthday: I am now officially older than dirt.

    Are there any new cooly wow space ships we can look forward to in season 4? And will Sheppard get to fly it/them?

  36. Re salut joseph^^! jespêrt que vous avez passer une bonne journée, moi j ai passer une bonne nui!^^
    =}Trés cool les photo aujourd hui, votre chien est adorable!
    =}Manger une glace avec une fourchette..humm étrange XD!
    =}Bon ba je vais faire court aujourd hui car j ai une trés lomg journée, je doit fair des cado pour celui qui ma mis mon 8000iéme commentaire, et oui deja ^^!

    =}Donc voila ma question aujourd hui:

    Vous êtes vous inspirez du projet top secret de l armée américan “Stargate” pour avoir trouver le nom de la série ?

    Voila merci bc! Bisou a demian, je vous adore!

  37. Hi Joe

    Percival? Percival? Now I could see Lancelot? But Percival? You’re insulting the Arthurian legends.. but you are really teasing poor Patrick.. but whatever you can do to scam those scammers is great to me. You’re really tops in my book.. By the way , loved your tie in the last picture of you.

    Take care and have a great day. It’s a grand one here..


  38. That salad looks seriously tragic. You should have tried some of pizza my roommate and I made tonight, it was awesome. Next time I make some I will email you a slice. What would you like on your pizza?

    Wow… you posted 12 hours ago. I guess with the university semester starting and me being back to my usual bouncy and healthy self, I will no longer be one of the first 5 to comment anymore. And I will no longer be able to read a book a day. Sigh.

    Oh, and about the junkie theatrics… when I was in high school and working part time at KFC, the junkie theatrics were out back… specifically, the cook. Fun fun. “I’m sorry, there is a 30 minute wait on chicken because the cook is in the bathroom getting high. Thank you, please come again.”

  39. Dear Mr Malozzi,

    Maybe have you already answer to this one.

    You are a very wise guy, so you must remember the following line of Black BDU Mitchell to Cam Mitchell in “Ripple effect” ep. 9.13 SG1:
    – “Hey, Mitchell. When the time comes, cut the green one.”

    Will time finally comes in Continuum or in The Ark of truth?

    Best regards


  40. Answer: “Given the show’s standing, he/she would have to be recurring.”

    Thanks Joe for responding. Since season 4 is already planned out, I assume you mean for season 5 or for the character to be added at the very end of season 4. To be honest, I’m hoping that Daniel is the character that you’re considering. The character is already well established, is the one that discovered Atlantis, and has a history of really wanting to go. Although I’m an Atlantis fan, It’s easy to see that both Amanda and Michael have huge fan bases that they could bring to the show.

    Anyway, If you’re considering adding a Historian/Archeologist character to the cast as recurring, I really hope that it’s Daniel.

  41. haha, “GLADiola.” Nice.

    Question: Is there any chance the opening credits of Atlantis will be released on the Internet before Season 4 starts in the US?

  42. Hey Joe,

    I was watching a few episodes of Atlantis and SG-1 from this past season and a question popped in my head. I will now share it with you…

    What is the difference between a Producer, Consulting Producer, and Executive Producer?

  43. Joe, first off I am sorry for the rant that is about to occur, but I can think of no better way to get what I am about to say read by somebody who could do something about it. (I was extrmemly mad when the president of sci-fi channel refused my tissue box with letter inside without even opening it.)

    Yesterday I heard the news that a full series DVD set of SG-1 would be coming out for the small price of $299.98 (USD). While that is great news for some, it is horrible news for me, as I already have all the released seasons, with season 10 on order. So in the end I have spent close to $400.00, but the price isn’t my point, I understand that the extra packaging and numerous production runs cost more then just all at once. What irks me is the inclusion of 4 bonus disks of material. I like Ivon Bartok’s work, but I just don’t have the money to spend $75.00 per DVD for his work. Again I understand the business model MGM and FOX want to make as much money as possible, but it seems to be a huge middle finger to those of us who already proved that the DVD model is a profitable one for the Stargate franchise. With out almost any doubt in my mind, we wouldn’t be talking about Ark of Truth, Continuum, or even Stargate: Universe (a show in development without a network, must be a pretty rare thing..). So now that I ranted with only the basic information at hand, is it possible that the 4 new disks and the complete season packaging be made available for $50-$60 (USD)? Or even just the new disks for $40 (USD)?

    Thanks Joe, and again sorry for the rant..

  44. Lintmuffin ROFL has a distinctly obscene sound to it.
    between your restaurant critiques, your philanthropic deeds and this blog when do you get time to actually work? or does Canada have an entirely different temporal principle?

  45. One time we saw three girls get arrested for underage drinking at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Apparently one of them also assaulted our waitress, so we went easy on the bad service. My husband, however didn’t appreaciate my idea that our tip should have been “don’t be such a cold bitch.”

    Anyway, just wanted to stay we were out of town for a while, but I still kept up with your blog. I don’t think my family appreciated me stopping every half hour at hot spot to read every new comment was appreciated, but I know the surge of excitement you got when your “visitor numbers” ticked up one more was more than overwhelming.


  46. Oh, Joe! What would I do without your scammer baiting? What would my afternoons be like if you stopped? I used to come for the Stargate spoilers and the chance to be immortalized by a response in your blog. Now… now I come for the baiting.

  47. “Nathaniel said…
    Joe, first off I am sorry for the rant that is about to occur, but I can think of no better way to get what I am about to say read by somebody who could do something about it. (I was extrmemly mad when the president of sci-fi channel refused my tissue box with letter inside without even opening it.)

    Yesterday I heard the news that a full series DVD set of SG-1 would be coming out for the small price of $299.98 (USD). While that is great news for some, it is horrible news for me, as I already have all the released seasons, with season 10 on order. snipsnip”

    I agree with everything Nathaniel said – this is a huge middle finger to the fans that have supported the show for so long. Why the hell would anyone spend close to $300 more dollars to buy 56 disks of stuff they already have most of and spent way more $$ to get just to get 4 disks of new stuff.

    Typical though – not that YOU can do anything about it. This is just adding insult to injury after what was done to S9-10 – that was the first middle finger to the fans who supported the show for so long – now this.

    You guys involved in Stargate (Bridge, MGM, Sci Fi) certainly know how to bite the hand that feeds you, but why wouldn’t you since they (the “fans”) keep coming back for more of the middle finger. Maybe Ark of Truth will be the shaft that ends the whole thing.

  48. Dear Mr Mallozzi,

    I have been reading your blog recently with great interest. You may be the very person I am looking for. My grandson, Charles, who had recently become the owner of a chocolate making company, died suddenly last week when the glass elevator he was travelling in was shot down over Nigeria by some Oompa Loompa rebels. He managed to jump from the elevator shortly before the SAM struck and would have survived had it not been for broken glass that fell ripping his parachute to shreads. He left the company to me in his will but I don’t know a damn thing about chocolate. I would be happy to sign the company over to you. All I ask would be a small fee of $10,000,000(US), in order for my family to be re-housed. I anxiously await your response.

    Your sincerely,

    Joe Bucket

  49. Hi Joe,

    I know you’ve been reluctant to discuss the SGA S4 timeline vis a vis Ark of Truth and Continuum, but since Sam will now be in the Pegasus Galaxy, are we to assume that Mitchell’s “Band” is no longer together? And if that’s the case, will we get some inkling in S4 as to the whereabouts of Daniel, Teal’c, Cam and Vala…or would you possibly clue us in now? *wink, wink*.

  50. Hey Mr. Mallozzi,

    I just saw that all ten seasons of SG-1 are going to be coming out in one package in October, which is great because I own none of them (I’ve only bought Atlantis so far), but I have a question or two I hope you can answer before I decide to buy the box set.

    If I wait even longer, will you guys be creating an even larger set with the two (three if you include the original) or more movies on it?

    Will either of those groupings (just seasons or seasons and movies) likely be released on Blu-Ray or HD-DVD with a lower number of total disks anytime soon?

    Anyway, hope you’re enjoying your break.


  51. Hi Joe.

    Just a quick question, because I’m feeling rather happy today.

    A while back you said that Shep was slightly ahead when considering the amount of time a character had been spending in the infirmary in season 4. Is that still the case, or has he been usurped from his ‘king of the infirmary’ throne?…Oh, I’m excluding Dr. Keller from this, because she doesn’t count!


  52. Oh my. Joe Bucket.. you just made me cry with laughter! Ah, such devillish wit…. 😀

  53. Intellectual masturbation“?

    That’s a new one. Is that just another way of saying that while attempting to project deep philosophical meanings it instead comes across as euphuistical or pretentious tripe?

    Mary Beth

  54. Hi Joe:

    I heard a rumour and was hoping you might confirm or deny: if there are more SG-1 movies made they will not include Mitchell. Now mind you this type of rumour normally doesn’t catch my attention but since Carter is going to be commander of Atlantis and the logical sense is that she be in command of SG-1 because of her status as commander on Atlantis it got me to thinking.

    It would seem logical that since Carter is in charge/command of Atlantis that she would also be in charge of SG-1 for any future movies. I figured I’d ask.


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