Well, after calculating my carbon footprint and subtracting the amount I will personally be saving the environment by following the ten-pronged strategy outlined in yesterday‘s blog entry, it turns out that I am now OWING carbon emissions. As a result, I have had to take up cigar smoking to make up the difference, thereby attaining the sought-after statistical zero. So just to clarify – are you or are you not supposed to inhale these things?
We intended to go to my favorite spot for dim sum, Sea Harbour Seafood Restaurant in Richmond, but wound up arriving there at a bad time – just a little before lunch. The place was packed and so, while I sat back in the passenger seat and sulked, Fondy drove us to Aberdeen Center where we paid a long overdue return visit to Northern Chinese Delicacy. To be honest, I’m surprised we ended up going at all since the last time we went there for dinner, one of the waiters endeared himself to Fondy by commenting: “You got bigger.” and then, realizing his faux pas, attempted damage control by feigning invisible dumbell curls. Oooooh, so THAT’S what you meant by “bigger?” You meant to say “muscular”! He meant “muscular”, honey! Yeah. She wasn’t buying and so, NCD was on our shit-list for months until, finally, late this morning, fate and Fondy’s A4 conspired to bring us back.
What Northern Chinese Delicacy does extremely well is noodles – homemade and served a variety of ways. Today, Fondy opted for the house noodles with a sauce of minced pork and green onions. The noodles were tender and chewy, the sauce thick and satisfying. The rest of the lunch entries were of the dim sum variety: good pork belly chia siu bau, very good chive dumplings and pan-fried pork potstickers, and excellent siu long bau that were so juicy I accidentally sprayed the neighboring table on my first bite. The scallion pancake rated a solid meh, while the delicious-sounding egg yolk and custard in puff pastry proved the afternoon’s biggest disappointment. A second dessert of green tea dumpling stuffed with yellow bean paste was a pleasantly surprising late addition.
Last night, we paid our last visit to the Burnaby Greek Fest to help close out the week-long celebrations. Again, I did the half kilo of lamb and, for dessert, went with a gyro. For second dessert, I had the baklava. Now, correct me if I’m wrong but next to the Cadbury Easter cream egg, there is no sweeter or more cloying dessert. Love ‘em.
Hmm. No word from my buddy Ali or that poor war orphaned Somalian boy and his needy mum. But I did receive an email from a Mr. Patrick Chan offering me a SWEET business proposal that involves my helping him withdraw $24 million from the bank account of a long-dead Iraqi General. I responded:
“ Dear Patrick,
Thank you for the offer but I don’t really need the money. My wife passed away last month following a freak parakeet accident and I am now independently wealthy. Had you emailed me with a business proposal that would have required my financial involvement, then that would have been something which would have surely interested me because, I’m embarrassed to say, I am presently sitting on more cash than I can spend in my lifetime. I say this with certainty because I have been diagnosed with ARA (Advanced Reverse Alopecia), a condition that causes my hair to grow inside my scalp and into my brain. The condition is theoretically unpleasant-sounding yet practically quite pleasant indeed, simultaneously illuminating AND itchy in instances where I’ve studied advanced calculus, string theory, and that second season of Twin Peaks. The scene in which David Lynch’s son appears in a vision cupping a handful of creamed corn almost killed me, inciting what the doctors referred to as split ends aneurism.
So, which was your favorite scene from the show’s second season? Please write back and let me know. I look forward to hearing your thoughts on the subject.
Percival H. Lintmuffin
P.S. It was the one with the giant, wasn’t it? Yeah, I thought so.”
I also received an email from Mr. Adams Muda an accountant and accounts manager to a Mr. Edward Witney who was killed in an earthquake in Asia last year, leaving behind no family to speak of and, oh yeah, $182 million dollars. Alas, get his hands on the money, the enterprising accountant requires a foreign partner. Which is where I come in. Would I be interested in helping him out? My response:
“Adams, you fool, I‘m not dead! It’s me, Edward Witney! I did not perish in that terrible earthquake. Instead, I was struck in the head by a falling sad clown painting, lost my memory, and spent the latter part of 2006 wandering the beaches convinced I was Dano from the old Hawaii Five-0 series. Over the course of the past few months, between arresting rogue surfers and opening my second Crab Shack Café, I have had my memory return in bits and pieces. I am happy to say that your helpful email has successfully illuminated whatever dark passages still remained.
And so, please be advised. This weekend, I will be returning home so that I can resume my life, reunite with my $182 million dollars and, oh yes, fire your ass.
Yours in bitter hatred,
Finally, an email from a Mr. Tony Johnson claiming to be an employee of a bank in the U.K. He needs a business partner to free up the 15 million British pounds that have lain dormant in a forgotten account for the past three years. To him, I responded –
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but the introduction of the Euro has rendered British pounds useless.
I have forwarded your email to the proper authorities and they have informed me that they will be by your place of work to burn the offending currency within 24 hours.
Hmmm, the switchboards have certainly lit up. And this time it wasn’t anything I said (I can’t tell you how disappointing that is). So let’s wade into the testy mailbag –
Kdvb1 writes: “Have you thought of adding a historian/archealogist type of character to SGA?”
Answer: A historian/archaeologist would be a better fit in the Milky Way where many of the civilizations encountered evolved from various Earth cultures. If one were to add someone similar to Atlantis, he/she would have to be an Ancient specialist – in which case, yes, I’ve considered it.
Anonymous #1 writes: “I was just wondering if Joe F. is going to be joining you, Amanda, and David at Comic Con?”
Answer: The last I heard, Joe F. was a probable but it’s still up in the air.
Michael writes: “Why is everyone always wearing the North Face jackets, etc. in most of your pictures of the studio?”
Answer: They were a crew gift a couple seasons back.
Anonymous #2 writes: “Have you Ever been to Megabite pizza at Commercial station?”
Osiris writes: “ I have B-day today – July 8, I’ll be 29.”
Answer: Happy belated birthday.
Silver writes: “Are you a cufflinks man?”
Answer: Very much so. I have some 20 different pairs.
Silver also writes: “ Has Fondy found a new tile guy for her shop?”
Answer: Nope. The last guy finished up and actually ended up doing a fine job. Now she has to deal with the painter.
Silver also writes: “That french bulldog puppy is too cute . He looks like he could be a Kobe.??”
Answer: Apparently, she’s actually more of a Lulu.
Andron writes: “Did you already get around to start writing your first short story? What would they be about?”
Answer: I’m jotting down ideas here and there for several short stories and a novel, both scifi and fantasy.
Yasmin writes: “Have you ever tried Bengali sweets?”
Answer: Some. If they contain rosewater, I’m afraid I’m out.