My father’s mother lived to the ripe old age of 112.  She attributed her long lifespan to a diet consisting of little meat, a lot of greens, no black pepper, and a glass of red wine every day.  She was, like most Italians, decidedly fiery.  When her young daughter (my aunt) wandered into the boys’ schoolyard one day in search of her brother (my father) and ended up being spanked by the monitor nun for this transgression, my outraged grandmother visited the school to deliver a beatdown of her down.  She was turned away and responded by pulling her kids out of school, renouncing her Catholic faith, and converting to Protestantism (and then, for good measure, chased the apologetic priest off her stoop with a broom).  Grandma Mallozzi was very memorable.  The treats she would serve my sister and I on our weekly visits less so.  These were Grandma’s Top 5 Worst Treats – all washed down with the ubiquitous glass of cream soda…


#5. Wagon Wheels

I remember eyeing one of these magnificent-looking chocolate-covered treats for the first time, then biting into it to discover the chocolate was just a thin veneer disguising unremarkable cookies which, in turns, hid an awful marshmallow center.


#4. Fig Newtons

I can only assume that, in her own small way, my grandmother was looking to serve us a marginally healthy alternative.  While I can appreciate the effort now, six year old me would have much preferred a chocolatey nut center.


#3. Fruit Creme Cookies

Of all the filled cookie options available, why would anyone choose these?


#2. Fruit Jellies

Gah!  My teeth ache just thinking about them.


#1. All Sorts

If you hate kids, this is the perfect candy to give them.  A plethora of choices, every single one of them awful.

Honorable Mention…



Close enough in appearance that they can be mistaken for chocolate covered almonds.  Instead, the chocolate serves as a stealth delivery system for the Devil’s candy.

14 thoughts on “Grandma’s Top 5 Worst Treats!

  1. I agree with your top five, but Raisinets? They are sublime! They rank up there with Junior Mints, Snow Caps, and Sugar Babies for my favorite movie treats.

  2. I love fig newtons and licorice alsorts when the are fresh. My late Mom was a fan of all things licorice. My Great Aunt Hattie who lived close used to have a great assortment of cookies none of which were homemade. You brought some awesome memories back. Thank you.
    Your grandma sounds like a real firecracker.

    1. Oh and here chocolate covered raisins are Glossettes. My favorite of all candy that you used to be able to buy at the movies.

  3. About your Grandma’s top 5 worst treats, are you mad man? They were the best each and every one of them when I was a kid and still are today, I give them to my own grandkids 😊

  4. No black pepper? I’m doomed. I love black pepper.
    I loved those Wagon Wheels and Fig Newtons. You are just too picky!
    Okay, so if you had grandkids today, what desserts would you serve them?

  5. Grandma Mallozzi sounds awesome! My grandmother died late last year at 102. 112 is a damn good innings!

    The Australian (and original, according to Wikipedia) version of Wagon Wheels are thinner, wider and also have a layer of jam. I used to love them as a kid!

    I’m glad the Canadian version is “sans arachnides”. I hate spiders in my chocolate covered biscuits! 🙂

    I don’t mind Fig Newtons (I think my aforementioned grandmother used to give them to me, too!).

    And I also like Liquorice All Sorts, especially the chocolate ones. I mean, they’re basically pure sugar with some food colouring and a little flavouring. What’s not to like?

    But fruit covered in chocolate is disgusting! That would be on my #1 spot.

  6. Joe, how could you not like Fig Newtons? I loved those as a kid. Everything else makes sense although I never had the Wagon Wheels.

  7. LOL!
    Practically all of those are traditional British favourites. Nom Nom!!
    Except the fruit jellies would be more Baby shaped.

  8. Regarding your #1, All Sorts…
    I used to hate them, too. But the funny thing is: About 20 years back, I asked a bunch of people if they liked them, but everybody hated them. But nonetheless, they are sold since decades. So apparently, there are a LOT of people who hate kids…

  9. Loved your Grandmother story! She sounds like a Pip. You would have to be a fighter to make it to the ripe age of 112. Old age isn’t for sissies.

    I’d never heard of Wagon Wheels until I watched The Great British Baking Show. The contestants had to make one in the technical. They look like a Moon Pie. Moon Pies weren’t that great either but we were poor. You got what you got.

    Have a good weekend!

  10. In elementary school, my mom would often include Wagon Wheels in my lunch and they were always kind of terrible. So much worse than the (still delicious) Vachon Jos Louis!

    The problem with the jellies and the licorice all sorts is that they were anything other than completely fresh, they would stick together in unappetizing clumps. I did and still do like licorice, though. And I actually kind of like the Fruit Creme cookies.

    I love raisins!

  11. Wagon Wheels are always disappointing but no more so than anything made by Hostess and advertised on the back page of a 70’s comic book.
    Licorice all-sorts are a crime against humanity.

  12. Ha Joe never have I disagreed with one of your posts more than this one lol – all of these sweet treats are fab except for the Wagon Wheels – they are very average at best…your Grandmother sounds amazing – great genes you’ve got there!

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