My father’s mother lived to the ripe old age of 112. She attributed her long lifespan to a diet consisting of little meat, a lot of greens, no black pepper, and a glass of red wine every day. She was, like most Italians, decidedly fiery. When her young daughter (my aunt) wandered into the boys’ schoolyard one day in search of her brother (my father) and ended up being spanked by the monitor nun for this transgression, my outraged grandmother visited the school to deliver a beatdown of her down. She was turned away and responded by pulling her kids out of school, renouncing her Catholic faith, and converting to Protestantism (and then, for good measure, chased the apologetic priest off her stoop with a broom). Grandma Mallozzi was very memorable. The treats she would serve my sister and I on our weekly visits less so. These were Grandma’s Top 5 Worst Treats – all washed down with the ubiquitous glass of cream soda…
#5. Wagon Wheels
I remember eyeing one of these magnificent-looking chocolate-covered treats for the first time, then biting into it to discover the chocolate was just a thin veneer disguising unremarkable cookies which, in turns, hid an awful marshmallow center.
#4. Fig Newtons
I can only assume that, in her own small way, my grandmother was looking to serve us a marginally healthy alternative. While I can appreciate the effort now, six year old me would have much preferred a chocolatey nut center.
#3. Fruit Creme Cookies
Of all the filled cookie options available, why would anyone choose these?
#2. Fruit Jellies
Gah! My teeth ache just thinking about them.
#1. All Sorts
If you hate kids, this is the perfect candy to give them. A plethora of choices, every single one of them awful.
Honorable Mention…
Raisinets
Close enough in appearance that they can be mistaken for chocolate covered almonds. Instead, the chocolate serves as a stealth delivery system for the Devil’s candy.
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