Last night, I attended a dinner party hosted by my old high school buddy, Lawrence, and his wife, Mel.  We were enjoying a nice take-out meal from a nearby restaurant.  Halfway through supper, Lawrence, seated beside me, suddenly pulled something out of his mouth and uttered a shocked: “What is THIS?!”.  A hush fell over the room.  As he presented his pink, plastic, gummy find, Sinead, one of the other dinner guests seated across from him suggested: “It’s a shrimp shell.”  But no.  I knew instantly – it wasn’t a shrimp shell.  “It’s a band-aid!”confirmed Lawrence.

“No, it’s a shrimp shell,”insisted Sinead, not wanting to believe.

“It’s a band-aid,”repeated Lawrence, holding it up for all to see.

There was not doubt.  It WAS a band-aid.  Sinead stared back, mortified.

“It was in the noodles,”said Lawrence.  Then, throwing a look to my plate.  “Did you finish them?”

I glanced down at my now empty plate, feeling the heat rise to my face as I weighed whether I should induce vomiting – or just wait for it to come naturally.

Horrified silence – and then Lawrence, no longer able to suppress himself, broke out into a wide grin.


The psychopath had gone through all the trouble of opening up a fresh band-aid, setting it aside for some twenty minutes and then, popping it in his mouth when I wasn’t looking.  In retrospect, I suppose I should have been suspicious.  What kind of idiot proceeds to suck the black bean sauce off some mystery object he just pulled out of his mouth so that everyone at the table could get a clearer look. More alarming than the initial discovery of the band-aid was, perhaps, the reaction of Sinead’s husband, Gabi, who seemed not at all bothered by the horrific find – despite not being in on the joke – continuing to eat his noodles as the conversation played out on the other side of the table.

Dessert was very had to fuck with chocolate covered almonds.

This morning, I set Lawrence the following text:


Good times indeed!


8 thoughts on “I knew instantly – it wasn’t a shrimp shell!

  1. I was having my dinner when I was reading your blog post … honestly, I almost puked when I get to the band-aid part. That’s a good one. Some psychopath friend you have there. LMFAO!

    And the part you wrote … “Dessert was very had to fuck with chocolate covered almonds” … ??? What did I just read???

  2. I would have tossed my noodles back on my plate at the mere suggestion of a bandage in my food.

    Well… I was going to eat dinner after reading your post, but now I think I’m good. Thanks for saving me the calories!

    I like your friends!

  3. That is too funny!! I was at my parent’s house sitting in the living room with them when I read this. I laughed out loud then looked at them real quick. They’re deaf. They didn’t hear me. I think you owe Lawrence a payback, don’t you??

  4. If Lawrence was in one of your shows, you could write a scene involving face parasites or falling in the woods. 😉

  5. Given enough lead time, I can indeed fuck with chocolate covered almonds. Not admitting I have dipped weird things in chocolate and served them to friends, but not saying I have not.

  6. Good One! 😀 😀 😀
    Was just thinking of the many revenge pranks you could conjure up to top his.

    One idea involved elegantly gift wrapping the pillow Ralphie peed on and Fedexing it to Lawrence with a note about how you were strolling past a new neighborhood boutique, (you conveniently neglected to notice the name of the shop), caught a glimpse of the beautiful pillow in the window and thought of him.

    It is said if you sleep on the pillow and inhale its aroma deeply for 3 consecutive nights, you will dream the winning powerball numbers for the next draw. The last person to win a jackpot has declared they owe their deepest gratitude to this wonderful pillow that has been a best kept secret thru the ages, until now.
    Albeit, this pillow is not for the faint of heart because the scent is a bit intense and may cause nausea, headaches and difficult dreams in some.
    A small price to pay to gain such life changing wealth, eh?!.

    Looking forward to seeing what you come up with!?

    And to answer the question you’ve been much too shy to ask aloud

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.