Well, I guess that’s it.  It was nice knowing everyone.  Cram as much fun as you can into your final eleven or so days on Earth because, apparently, April 23rd is A- Day.  A, of course, for Armageddon.  This according to (at least one) esteemed(?) numerologist:

“…the so-called Planet X, which is also known as Nibiru, will appear above the sky on the April date, causing volcanic eruptions, tsunamis and earthquakes.”

There you have it.  Eruptions, earthquakes, and stealth planetary reveals.  Of course, in a transparent attempt to forestall worldwide panic, NASA is trying to debunk the theory:

“No, there’s no such thing as a planet called Nibiru. No, it’s not a brown dwarf surrounded by planets, as iterations of the claim suggest. No, it’s not on a collision course toward Earth. And yes, people should ‘get over it.”

Hmmm.  Methinks the NASA senior space scientist doth protest too much.

So who and what to believe?  On the one hand, you’ve got the numerologists lead by expert “Christian conspiracy theorist David Meade”.  On the other, you’ve got a bunch of scientists.  Both make some very compelling cases.  I mean, yes, various cranks and nut jobs have been predicting the end of the world as far back as the 1st century and as recently as last November, but the way I see it (and as any desperate gambler worth his salt will tell you), their streak of some one hundred incorrect prophecies just means they’re due.

Sure, you can simply dismiss the warnings and continue your life, business as usual, but how are you going to feel eleven days from now when death planet Nibiru appears and starts raining destruction down on our heads and you realize you’ve wasted the last week of your life working your ass off to complete a work-related deadline or strictly following one of those low-carb diets?  After the initial horror subsides, you’ll figure you’ll make your final day on Earth a cheat day and rush over to Safeway for a pint of Haagen-Dazs, but guess what?   Everyone has already come to the exact same conclusion and, by the time you get there, they’ll have nothing left but Breyers Carb-Smart Vanilla and Choco Tacos.

Well not me.  Starting today, I’ve cancelled meetings, scrubbed deadlines, and cast aside my work, work-outs, and healthy eating.   I’m stocking up on burgers, barbecue, and Magnum almond bars, and queuing up undignified horror movies (not the hoity toity elevated kind John Krasinski enjoys) on Netflix.

Come April 23rd, I’ll be the one having the last laugh.

Until, of course, we all expire shrieking in unison.

April 12, 2018: Scrap Those Long-term Plans!

16 thoughts on “April 12, 2018: Scrap those long-term plans!

  1. Well, damn. I sure hope MGM hurries up with that Stargate announcement.

    Though, at least this will save you the bother of moving to a new place.

  2. Here I was living blissfully unaware of the catastrophe that awaits us all. Someone is seriously trying to ruin my good “Spring is finally here” mood. Someone is raining on my parade!! There’s a black fly in my Chardonnay!! Oh, I don’t drink Chardonnay…

    I guess I’ll just go about my dreary daily grind and live like there’s no tomorrow on the weekends. Think I’ll max out a few credit cards and buy that Mini Cooper convertible!

  3. Sounds like a plan to me. I’m off to buy the Belgium dark chocolate and the mint chocolate chip Haagen-Dazs. 😀👍

  4. Which pre-apocalypse horror movies will you be partaking of, Joe?
    Can you share?

  5. Nice try Joe, but I don’t think you’re getting out of buying Akemi a birthday present that easily.And no, sorry. Letting her pick the condo overlooking the park where the cherry blossoms make an appearance once each yr, for your next residence doesn’t count. Especially since both
    her b-day and A’ day fall before the move in date.

    By the way: Just in case I get too busy later
    desperately looting neighborhood supermarkets of every flavor
    ice cream & cookies I can get my hands on
    and forget …
    It’s been swell knowing ya’ll
    and Happy Birthday @KathyC.

  6. To be fair to Brown Dwarfs (The Plane The Plane!), there IS a planet 9, mathematically and gravimetrically plotted by Michael Brown (no pun intended), a.k.a. Pluto Killer on twitter, the scientist who famously reduced poor Pluto from a planet to a dwarf planet…kinda like GI Joe used to be 12 inches back in the 1960s (I had one!) to just shy of 4″ in the 1980s.

    Anyhizzle, the planet’s orbit is way, way out there, like 50 billion miles or so and is a giant with quite a bit of mass. Planet 9 is not yet visible by telescope, but it’s out there, just waiting for humans to get their asses in gear and figure out how to change the vibratory state of space-time in order to get there a lot quicker. It may be a world with a really low albedo (reflection level of sunlight) (in other words, dark) unlike Earth, with an albedo of 0.39 (Remember Vangelis?) dropping as the arctic and antarctic ice sheets melt.

    It would be hilarious if once this 9th planet is found by telescope, they name it Nibiru, but I’d say there’s a .0000000000000000000000000001% chance any planet is going to hit us April 23rd or anytime soon. Now, asteroids…we can’t see a lot of those things yet (remember Chelyebinsk?) so only The Shadow knows about those. All that said, I’ll be binge watching Stargate and Lost In Space 2018 when we get nuked by something or a certain someone.

  7. Joe, you might like Don McKellar’s Last Night,one of the best apocalyptic films out there, I think.

    Of course, the proponent of this theory claims to have been abducted by some grey ETs. And I thought the Asgard were our allies?

  8. I did my ice cream binging…Ben and Jerrys American Dream cone. MIght have to do more. FOund the Halo stuff, but did not want to waste my binge on something that I may not like. NOW…I can try it. They had candy bar.
    Next some alcohol sampling/binging.

  9. I’m baking bread, watching old Andy Griffith reruns I’ve seen repeatedly, and waiting for this wet cough of mine to subside. Lots of coffee. Need to fold the laundry. Who has time to worry about an apocalypse? Meh.

  10. RIght now, I don’t think I’d mind if it were true. NO WORRIES. I’m not suicidal. I just don’t like the world right now.

  11. All these fun people are born in April, my bd is the 22nd, earth day, so you are saying all hell breaks loose after that,, hmmm, go figure..
    ~~Happy birthday @KathyC!

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