Embarrassing things most people don’t know about me but I’m telling you now because, well, you’re my friends.  Also, I’m not sure what else to write about for today’s blog entry.

I sing to my dogs.  A lot.  I have a whole repertoire of original compositions including such favorites as The Apple Dumpling Gang (“The Apple Dumpling Gang! The Apple Dumpling Gang!  Who’s a member of the Apple Dumpling Gang?!” – sung while giving them their apple dumpling-flavored treats), Eat Time (“Eat time! Eat time!  Who are the dogs who’ll come for eat time?  Eat time!  Eat time!  Etc.” – sung when breakfast or dinner is served), and The PooPoo PeePee Song (which really needs no explanation).  I would, on occasion, serenade my late pug Jelly with Let Me Call You Sweetheart while rubbing her ears, a rare foray into non-original material.

I played the clarinet.  Badly.  In high school.  I was third clarinet which means the back-up to the back-up.  Should some horrible fate had befallen the first clarinet on the day of our recital, I would have been called upon to be on standby lest the second clarinet was unable to perform his or her duties.  That never happened. After a while, our music teacher, Doc, decided it might be best if I tried my hand (and lips) at the french horn.  This was a clear step down from the trumpet, which is the instrument I originally played before being demoted to clarinet.  I was reluctant, mainly because the clarinet was so much easier to lug around.  “I’m actually better when I’m playing with the others,”was my defense.  “No,”whispered Doc, gently disabusing me of the notion that I’d be taking the clarinet home with me that night. “You’re not good.”  And so I switched to the french horn.  For two weeks.  And then switched to shop class.

I’ve watched every episode of Sex and the City – and enjoyed it.  My ex and Akemi are huge fans of the show and would watch the dvd’s constantly.  Whenever I was in the kitchen, they’d be on in the background, playing in what felt like constant background loops.  At first it was annoying, then ignorable, eventually interesting and, finally, great!  I still can’t believe Carrie would choose Big over Aiden!

Once, when I was a kid at summer camp, I ate five ice cream sandwiches in one sitting, got violently ill, and didn’t eat another ice cream sandwich for years.

Once, when I was an adult at a dinner party I was hosting, I sampled thirteen different flavors of the home made ice cream I made, got violently ill, and didn’t make ice cream again for years.

Also, there’s this picture:

November 8, 2015: Embarrassing But True!

30 thoughts on “November 8, 2015: Embarrassing But True!

  1. Well, I talk to my cats, and, sometimes, expect an answer. I’m also clumsy. I spill food over myself when I serve food and when I eat it. I’m the person that everyone tells, “I can’t take you anywhere”.

  2. Awww. I like that you sing to your dogs. It’s adorable. Mine won’t sit still for it. Well, not unless I scritch her armpits while I do it. She’ll put up with a lot for a good scritch.

    I was going to post a true confession, but all of mine are boring and not endearing in the least. So I’ll just wait and see what entertaining things the other blogites come up with.

  3. Uh oh, sounds alarmingly normal to me, too. Hmm, birds of a feather flocking, etc.?

  4. Oh my, I get it. Joe’s finally coming clean! That’s why there’s been no Cookie Monster reviews…Joe killed and skinned him and now he wears Cookie Monster as a cloak!

    The horror!

    Who’s going to report this to the Sesame Street Police Department?

  5. Oh, speaking of things that the average person probably wouldn’t understand or appreciate, I’m currently trying to teach my budgie, Brio, to say “Jaffa! Kree!”

    Doesn’t everyone do that?

  6. That’s so cute that you sing to your dogs! Do they sing back to you? My cousin used to deliberately sing off-key to his dog and Tippy would try to bite my cousin’s face. Anything to get him to stop. lol I sing to my cats now and then. Used to sing ‘Roxy Roller’. Rox would scold me for my efforts. Everybody’s a critic. 😉

    Sex in the City drove me buggy. I loved it and hated it. Can’t watch the reruns now. Must be like your ice cream binges, except the show didn’t make me violently ill.

    Worrying now for the fate of Cookie Monster. Is there a reason why he’s draped over your head?

    Went to see The Martian last night. Loved it loved it loved it! Nail-biting, funny, emotional. Matt Damon is perfect for the lead role. Definitely want to see it again. Everyone go see it. 🙂 Now I need to read the book.

  7. Joe that’s not embarrassing. But could you get you singing to the dogs on video and let us see it?

    Hey! I’m a fellow clarinet flunky too! I played one semester in High School. There were about 11 of us. We were lined up according to best in chair one, down to worst in chair 11. I slowly made my way from 9th chair down to 11th chair. I was pathetic. So the next semester I took a Drafting class. I was 1 of 2 girls in there. 😛

  8. I…I am at a loss. I’m going to have to get back to you on this one.

    Also, you should post a disclaimer that this entry should not be read by anyone with a full bladder, or by people who have an aversion to [insert choice of beverage here] nasal douches.


  9. Joe, did Akemi make you wear that hat after you said she looked “frumpy”? Good girl.

  10. Thank for the impute. I too played the French horn. It was such a piece that the tuning tube could not move. I failed Band, or almost (for my mom’s intervention). Band teachers take a dim view if you break their dreams but not showing up to a munching presentation.

  11. Don’t feel too bad. I sing Dennis Leary’s “Asshole” to one of my cats every time he bullies the long-suffering dog.

  12. Embarrassing but true…

    I eat olives straight out of the jar.

    (That’s the best I’ve got…seeing as how, over the past 6 or 7 years, I’ve already pretty much disclosed on this blog every embarrassing thing I’ve ever done…and then some. 😛 )


  13. Joe I sing to tyler all the time he even sings with me and truthfully I believe he actually enjoys it.

  14. I talk to my Car…

    BTW, “Mr. WRITER-Boy”, isn’t the fact that you couldn’t come up with a Topic-du-Jour THE *most* embarrassing admission of all? — And/or, did Akemi MAKE you “write” all of THIS..?

    If so, then GOOD ONE, AKEMI!! — However, if there’s ever a “next” time, go with the *full* BIG BIRD “suit”! 😀

  15. Oh my! My, my, my.

    Ummm, wow, just wow.

    And all this time I thought you were weird….turns out Joe, you’re normal like the rest of us.

    How refreshing. ;-))

  16. We should trade high-school band stories. We both learned the same valuable lesson: Know when to change priorities (or quit).

    Embarrassing things: I suffer from chronic foot-in-mouth disease. It usually attacks when I stick my nose into other people’s business. My current mantra is “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

  17. My mother’s cats have figured out how to phone me…. Knock the phone off the hook and step on the big, perfect paw-sized red ‘REDIAL’ button….. Psychotic little fuzzbutts!!!!

  18. Singing to your pets is sweet. I sing to my cats all the time. Songs that fit their mood usually. “She’s a maniac” or “She talks to much”. I have one cat that’s bipolar and if I had to pick a “theme” song for her it would be “If I could be good, I know I’ve been a real bad girl…..” We call her Ruby but when she gets crazy it’s changed to Rubella, Rubzilla or the Rubinator.

    Hope everyone’s Monday is great!

  19. ~~Singing to animals, plants, any of it is good for the soul, imo, I sing in the car, in the garden, humming if I don’t know the words, sang to our son when he was young, seemed to be calming and happy. And there is the humming and covering my ears not to hear a scary part in a show,(eyes closed tight too,) like when you know they should not open that basement door, but its in the script.
    Not aware(yea, right) if my voice is any good(prob not) but who cares,, lol.
    Hope you have a happy day, keep on singing!!
    Love the new hat, you did buy it , right?!?

  20. Thanks for sharing, Joe!

    I sing to my dog too. Nothing in particular. Usually just whatever I feel like singing with her name in there somewhere.

    I too played in my grade school band. Saxophone. And horribly.

    Nice hat.

  21. I too, create original (or nearly) compositions for my pets. I’m proudest of “First World Cat”, dedicated to picky eaters. I was inspired by They Might Be Giants to do a feline version of “Triangle Man”, called “Triangle Cat”. I wrote “Igor the Cat” to the old standard tune of the Felix TV show. And, I composed “Cat Parade” in tribute to my cat’s reaction to hearing that he’s getting some wet canned food along with his kibble.

    For my son’s dog I wrote “Sniffy, Sniffy Lewis”, and “Lewis the Dog”.

  22. Wow. Thank you. I feel so normal now. 🙂 I sing silly songs to my cats, and “The bunny bun-bun song” (don’t ask) whenever I see a wild rabbit.

    “gforce – Oh, speaking of things that the average person probably wouldn’t understand or appreciate, I’m currently trying to teach my budgie, Brio, to say “Jaffa! Kree!”” BRILLIANT! I love it. <3 Made me bust out laughing.

    dasdanger – My husband loves olives and eats them out of the jar. Sometimes he pours them into a bowl and eats the whole bowl in a day.

    baterista9 – “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” I love that. I'm adopting that.

  23. I have a 1 pack a day caramel popcorn addiction. I started doing it with friends at parties, now I eat caramel popcorn alone by the bagful. I thought it made me cool but it’s actually really delicious. My main issue now is that when they run out of the good stuff I end up getting lesser quality popcorn that sticks in my teeth. Lunch today is a healthy salad, low fat yogurt and a barrel of caramel corn.

  24. Singing to your pets is great stress relief, lowers BP too. Keep it up everyone! I just have to be sure neither cat is sitting on my lap at the time. They both seem to cringe and then take a swipe at the offending mouth. Critics! Works for me from a distance though!
    Yet, I can talk high-pitched baby talk and they purr and purr. Go figure.


  25. Oh, confession time, is it? Hmm… I don’t have much that’d seem weird to you or many other fellow followers. I’m a pretty normal guy, but…

    I don’t ski. This surprised me. I’m fairly athletic. I played just about every sport in junior high and high school: In Track and Field I did the 100m dash, 4x100m relay, 4×400 relay, shot put, discus, and long jump, I played soccer for about 10 years, baseball for over 12 years, football all four years in High School, basketball just in Junior High, and I’ve even dabbled in tennis and racquetball recreationally over the years, but I don’t ski, apparently….

    I went up to the mountains with some friends of mine one New Year’s Day to go skiing and stay in a friend’s cabin. I rented my gear(they had their own) and since I had never been downhill skiing before(I’ve cross country skied before, but that’s WAY different, and easier), we all started out on the “bunny” slope which is nice and practically flat for kids and beginners. I did fairly well on it, slowly getting the hang of how the whole skiing thing works. Well, I should’ve gone down it a few more times, apparently, because when it came time to move to the hill THEY wanted to go down, I don’t think I was up on my skis for more than 20 to 30 feet at a time before hurling myself into a tumbling, ski-launching ass-over-tea kettle roll right out of the Wide World of Sports intro. It was then that I realized that skiing is basically just a bunch of “slowing down”. All you are doing with the turning and what not is trying to prevent gravity from warping you into light speed down a slope made all the slipperier by compacted snow and wax covered metal lightning rods.

    Once I came to that realization, and the realization that the lodge was still about a half mile and ten new bruises away, I knew right then that I am not a downhill skier. And I’m ok with that. I’m not a huge fan of the freezing cold, anyway, and on that day is was just above freezing, but the snow was coming down in this wet slushy crap that made that day all the more miserable.

    I look upon that day and that weekend fondly as there was a lot of other stuff we did that was fun and relaxing, but I also memorialize it as a day of self-discovery: I don’t ski.

    -Mike A.

  26. @MikeA. Definitely with ya on the whole skiing thing. My daughter. At age 7 went skiing for her first time on Copper mtn in Colorado with her second grade class. She spent all of 5 minutes on the 5,000 ft bunny slope before effortlessly progressing to the 11,000+ slopes (our mtns in Colorado are 14k+)

    Me. Born graceful and a natural athlete. Ive been an ice dancer all my life. Was a fabulous little gymnast in childhood. I can hike to the top of any 14er with the best of em. 20 yrs discovered I was apparently a natural spelunker too I even once cycled 50 miles with friends as part of an education fundraiser and instead of being exhausted right after and going straight home to rest and sleep it off, another group of friends dragged me out to a rock concert and I danced partied and had a blast all night long! So naturally when someone asked if I’d like to go with them to learn how to ski I replied “oh sure, why not, eh?!, sounds like fun. How hard could it possibly be eh. Albeit lets just say, several hours of giving it my best shot I can honestly say not even the clumsiest of all of Jerry Lewis’ goofy characters could hold a candle to me that day! And in spite being the go getter, never quit, type… I NEVER went skiing ever again!

    But I’ve always been idiosyncratic that way.

    For example:

    Despite being a natural poet & song writer and having a brilliant mind for science…. As you all know, most of the time ( quite especially when I’m suffering thru a really long work day) I cant seem to type a simple proper eloquent sentence to save my life. But for some still unknown reason it doesn’t seem to happen when I’m handwriting things down on paper.

    And Regardless of being ‘Greek’ and what others consider a natural “foodie” One year when I was preparing a fabulous thanksgiving dinner for my family I discovered I had not picked up enough green vegies at the market So I sent someone out to the store. Unfortunately everything was closed save for the local 7-11 convenience mart so they returned with a couple large “cans” of cooked baby green peas. After hemming n hawing for 30 whole minutes about having to use “canned” vegies I found I worked up quite an appetite so I dipped a tablespoon into those canned peas and started eating! Lo n behold I found I liked em so much it became my dirty little secret habit for several yrs there after. I’d secretely purchase a can of cooked bby peas at the store and when no one at home was looking I’d just open them and start munching away. I finally had to seek professional treatment to break me of the awful addiction!

  27. I would submit that @MikeA & @Drea are probably Geeks in Jocks clothing. I certainly am not. I do not have a clue why I thought to develop the lower-back and the hip muscles that would be needed to ski. One repetition of what it would take to strengthen those muscles and I was done! I didn’t get near snow to determine that.
    I do the world a favor much much much of the time and do not sing. I had had piano lessons — and a piano would have been heavy if I could have even put it into a backpack. [Since this was around when I was 6 in the early 1960s, backpacks were not a “thing”.]
    When my husband and I have had a cat or cats we turned them into talkers. A moment’s thought would make it clear: constant conversation by cats in the wild does not result in a successful hunt. On the other paw, in a house with dense-as-stone humans to train, a little vocal waking up does get food in the bowl a little more surely.
    Finally, I have to chuckle/groan about the unending reservoirs of misinformation in so-called fact sites. Just in the last couple of hours I have visited http://www.vipfaq.com/Joseph%20Mallozzi.html .Everything looks just fine. Except… The exception makes the situation of such sites being 90% accurate useless. Which 10% is wrong? It may well be that some friends pranked you Joe, but it is clear that the information imparted there is not worth the electrons by which it is organized. [I do not want to commit misinformation to electrons myself, even when rejecting the meaning shown there.]
    Good luck! And let them drown in their lack of credibility.

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