October 1, 2015: Spider! Spider! Spider!
House Spider — Image by © Digital Zoo/Corbis

From the corner of my eye, I saw Akemi shuffle up beside me and stand quietly by, waiting for me to acknowledge her.  I looked over and she spoke up: “Sorry to interrupt, but I need your help.  There is a spider in the dryer.”

I chuckled.  My poor girlfriend, ever prone to scares.  The beep of a car horn will make her jump; the presence of a house fly enough to send her into a full panic.  I shook my head and followed her downstairs where I grabbed some toilet paper from the bathroom, then approached the washing machine.

“Not the washing machine,”she corrected me, standing several feet back, seemingly poised to take off at the first sign of trouble.  “The dryer.”

I couldn’t help but smile.  Another shake of my head.  I opened the dryer door, peeked inside and – set eyes upon the biggest spider I’ve ever encountered.  It was the size of my fist!  I slammed the door shut.  This would require more toilet paper.  A lot more.

I wavered, glanced back uncertainly at Akemi, wide-eyed, hands bunched and to her mouth like a horror film victim about to loosen her final, bloodcurdling scream. Then, I set the dryer on high and headed back upstairs, electing to come back and deal with the issue later.

I resumed my scriptwriting and, twenty minutes later, went back downstairs to see how our furry little guest was doing.  Somewhere between desiccated and crispy, I hoped.  I opened the dryer door, peered inside – and was met with a sight even more horrifying than the first.  The dryer was empty!  I searched top and bottom.  Nothing.  The spider had pulled a Houdini.     I imagined it, somewhere, in hiding, slightly toasted and annoyed, quietly plotting its revenge.

I turned the dryer back on, hoping it was still in there somewhere – then headed upstairs to break the news to Akemi.

“I need to tell you something,”I said when she walked into the room.  Immediate concern flashed across her face.  “You’d better sit down for this.”  She took a seat. I lay a reassuring hand on her knee.  “The spider…is gone.  When I went to check the dryer, it wasn’t there.”

Akemi was horrified.  “Joe!”she said.  Then “JOE!”.  And then “JOE!!!!”.  Hands clapped to her cheeks, she scurried downstairs to make sure.  I heard the dryer door open and then: “JOE!!!!!!!!!”.

I found her standing in hallway, pointing at the dryer.  “On the left side,”she informed me.

I approached, swung open the door and looked.  I spotted him – tucked away in a corner, looking significantly less imposing at now roughly one tenth his original size.  His down-sizing drove home a powerful lesson.  Stay hydrated!

I cautiously reached out and poked him with the toilet paper, prepared for a potential horror movie fake-out where the killer springs up for one final attack.  But no.  He was dry.  And crumbled the instant I went to remove him.

Akemi took over from there.

Congratulations to Motownfilly on winning the SG-1 10th Anniversary framed photo and keychain!  More giveaways to come!

Today’s entry is dedicated to my sis – and the memory of her beloved Roxy.

October 1, 2015: Spider! Spider! Spider!

28 thoughts on “October 1, 2015: Spider! Spider! Spider!

  1. Man, that was a wonderfully funny story AND then the terrible news of Roxy’s passing. It’s been a roller coaster ride….. So Sorry about Roxy’s passing Sis!

  2. Um, you know how you watch a scary movie and think “I shouldn’t watch this, I’ll have nightmares” but you watch it anyway? I shouldn’t have read this; too scary! I feel for Akemi, the only thing worse than a creepy bug in the house is being alone with a creepy bug in the house! I grew up in a country swarming with geckos and iguanas and I’m still scared of crawly things, which is weird because as a kid I had no problem hunting geckos bare handed and dangling them by the tail.

  3. Today’s answers:

    1. The Setesh guard nose…..drips!
    2. The X-699(or the BFG)
    3. Enrico Colantoni
    4. She comments on how Mitchell always seems to be losing his pants.
    5. She played Ellia first.

    How’d I do? 😉 😉

    -Mike A.

  4. Aww, I so sorry to hear about Roxy. Please express my deepest sympathies to your Sis. Roxy was a beautiful dog.

    Did you find out what kind of spider it was? I didn’t think there were that many large species like that around there. The biggest one I’ve ever seen in the wild was the one I found under my tent last year in the Grand Canyon. I think it was some kind of tarantula. It wasn’t fist sized though, maybe a bit smaller than my palm and that’s with legs included It would have been right under the floor of my tent by my head! Did I ever post a picture of that? I can’t remember.

  5. Also, I’ve learned that after the most recent huge rainstorm that we had here yesterday (150mm!!) that the basement of the house I’m renting is not quite leak free. I have a bunch of boxes down there that I haven’t unpacked so that they’re ready to move to the new house. Most of them on the bottom seem to be wet up to about an inch or so, so I’ll have to go through them and see what the damage is.

    I purposely didn’t pack anything important in those boxes just in case something like that happened. Still, there may be something that I want to save so I’ll have to go through them all anyway. Plus, I don’t really want wet cardboard just sitting there and getting musty.

  6. Your opening picture freaked me out. I am not a lover of spiders, in fact they terrify me. Nothing is more horrifying than a missing spider.

  7. @ Andria – So sorry for the loss of your lovely furbaby, Roxy. 🙁 {{{Hugs}}}

    Deirdre

  8. @ Joey – Thanks. I screamed so loud that Mr. Das, in the shower, heard me and thought we had an intruder. 😛 I MUST be mentally prepared first for spider pictures!! Big meanie. 😡

    das

  9. Ha!!! I burst out laughing when your solution to spider in the dryer was to turn the dryer on and go back to what you were doing. And then again at the moral of the story, re: the importance of hydration.

    Yay! I won something!

    Sorry to hear about Roxy. What a pretty doggie. It’s been a bad pet news week. My brother and SIL’s kitty Cinder died a couple days ago after a long end-of-life battle with kidney failure. She was a lovely, sweet cat.

    On the home front, our kitty Max got away last Thursday and was missing for 8 hours. (We didn’t know he’d escaped the house through a window in our guest room, left open by our guest, my dad.) I was frantic, looking in every possible nook and cranny of the house, until I finally determined that he wasn’t IN the house at all. Then I was all through the crawlspace under the house. No Max.

    Then I thought, “If I were Max, outside alone for the first time ever, and likely freaking out, where would I go?” He likes to hide in our under-eaves storage cupboards in our bedroom, and the storage shed on the side of our house has the same kind of wooden sliding doors as the under-eaves, so I thought, “I wonder if Max slipped in there?” I slid open the door, and poked my head around the doorjamb. There he was, about 7 feet inside the shed, huddled in the farthest corner from the door, behind our car roof-rack storage case. His expression clearly said, “Help me.”

    I stepped back from the door and waited for him to come out. As I bent down to pick him up, I heard him start to purr even before my hands reached him. As I carried him through the yard and back inside, he clung for dear life to my chest. Poor Max. He’s a scaredy cat when he stays INSIDE. He must have been terrified outside all that time. He certainly gave his mommy some grey hairs, that’s for damn sure.

  10. Great spider story! I’m with Akemi in the horror department. When I see a big spider, I would scream out loud but I’m afraid it will jump in my mouth if I did. Yikkes!

    Congratulations to all you smarty pants people who know so much about Stargate. Those are some hard questions. Cool prizes you have won.

    @ Andria – So sorry to hear about your baby Roxy. Such a sad time to go through. Been there, done that, and will do again one day. I don’t even like to think about it.

  11. If I found a spider the size of a fist in my house I’d be forced to move. To Mars.

    Andria I’m so sorry about your Roxy. What a sweet face. 🙁 My Roxy passed away last year.

    motownfilly Congrats on your win (and to all the other winners so far!) and for finding your Max.

    Riley went in for his second dental in just under a year. I asked the vet to remove all of his few remaining teeth, if they’re so rotten and are all being resorbed into his gums, but another vet ended up doing the procedure. Riley and I could have to go through this again in the future — he for pain and discomfort and me for expenses that are becoming too much. Paws crossed the other cats stay healthy in all ways for all our sakes. Going to need a second job soon. Wish I could put the furkids under my work insurance. They all have people names except for Cola. Could change hers to Lola or something…

  12. I really, really detest it when people do not have any consideration for the many, many poor humans out there with ARACHNOPHOBIA and the heart stopping that happens when we view ANY live or photos of the ugly critters.

    Not to mention the choking hazard caused by the soda I was drinking at the time the page loaded.

    You Joe, now owe me for the cleaning rag for my computer screen and the vet bill I will now have for my Chihuahua to have his hearing tested….my scream may have broken his ear drums.

    Expect a letter from my lawyer. ;-D

  13. CRAP!!!!! I forgot about the spider picture.

    Excuse me while I go change my underdrawers. 😛

    das

  14. Great Story. Reminds me of the time I was in Thailand and had to use the toilet at my house. Walked in only to see a spider the size of my hand (no fishing tale). For a few moments I knew exactly how Akemi felt! No, toilet paper was not going to do the trick. I backed away with the door closing with a thud. This was followed by minutes of quandary and speculation. Found a stick of some sort and reentered the the WC feeling ready to do battle with the fiendish Foe. As I advanced pasted the door frame I was taken back by an unexpected charge towards me. Oh Yes Brave Sir Robbin continued to advance in the other direction. I felt the need for new more advanced tactics. I put a big pot on the stove and boiled some water and at the appointed time I reentered the bathroom aimed the molten fluid and doused the invader. It is amazing how much smaller it looked once dispatched. So yes, it seems Heat was the answer for both our problems.

    Having just returned from my aunt’s funeral, I express my sympathies and wish. Like the picture above alway remember those good time.

  15. G’day

    So sad to hear that Roxy passed away. All my love and hugs to Sis.

    Congrats to all the winners of the SG-1 loot. Those questions are hard. I have not known many answers. KRAFT will do that to ya.

  16. We get spiders that big here in the UK, especially around Autumn.. My trick is a pint glass and a piece of card. then flick them out the nearest window or outside door.. .. cannot fault the old “Forcefield capture” technique..

  17. Gary, It was probably a Tegenaria Duellica . They are commonly found lurking in west coast household basements. It could also possibly have been a Hobo spider but they dont usually grow quite as large as Joe described.

    Joe; Hope the writing’s coming along after having to shuffle episodes around and hope the dryer incident doesnt cause you to create an ep about spiders. I’ve no fear of lions n tigers n bears. But Spiders… OH MY! Just reading about it has made my skin itch!!

    Warmest hugs and deepest sympathies to your sis. Always extremely difficult to lose a close companion. What a beautiful, sweet looking, pup.

  18. @Andria – I am so sorry for your loss. Roxy was beautiful, and had a sweet face. {{{HUG}}}

    @motownfilly – I’m so glad that you found your Max kitty safe and sound. Purrr.

    @Joe – Those were some pretty hard questions. I’m not even sure where to look up some of those, “What were we going to call it before we called it something else?” Good grief. Glad I already have enough SG memorabilia.

    I’m not afraid of insects. I’m wary of the poisonous ones, and willing to squash any and all that intrude on my space, much to the disappointment of my cats who want to play with them and eat them.

  19. I can hear that spider now: “It’s risk death by drier or plunge into the vortex that swallows up odd socks.”

    It made an understandable, but clearly unfortunate, choice.

  20. 🙁 Sorry about Roxy. 🙁

    Not the way I’d have killed it, but I do kill them. If they come in, they are home invaders!

  21. Joe please tell sis I am so sorry to hear about her baby Roxy. {{hugs}}
    ~~hate spiders~~

  22. I’m with Akemi. Since I almost became septic and almost lost my arm to a spider bite, they are now on my hit list as all vile creatures are. I have spider spray now so Jeff has a choice of either me spraying (which he does not like or he is required to kill it). I sent a message privately to Andria about Roxy. There has been too much sadness this past month. I’m have fingers and toes crossed that Jeff and I can enjoy a respite care night out on Friday from 6:30-10:30 at Patrick’s school that they are helping to provide this year. It’s the day before our anniversary on the 24th, so I hope nobody calls last minute for service.

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