Guyver - posterMovie begin wit an opening scroll, just like Star Wars.  Unlike Star Wars, however, opening scroll accompanied by voice-over because Guyver fans either illiterate or too damn lazy to read.  As far as info dumps go, dis be as big a dump as a movie can take.  We learn dat dere be creatures living among us called Zoanoids.  And dey led by a Zoalord.  And dey work thru a company called Chronos Corporation. And Chronos Corporation working on a mysterious someting called De Unit.  And a scientist working on De Unit steal it.  And he be on de run from Chronos Corporation and its various Zoanoid subsidiaries.  Phew. Okay.  We up to date.  Now we can start aktual movie!

Quit smoking wit de cigarette-helmet!

We open on scientist on de run.  Idiots chasing him spot him from top of bridge and yell “There he is!”, alerting him. Dis give him time to hide De Unit.  When bad guys show up, he mutate into…hokey Halloween costume.  Bad guy responds by mutating into…another hokey Halloween costume.  Two “fearsome” creatures face off.  But fangs and claws just for show.  Instead of biting and clawing like most self-respecting monsters, it’s Marquis of Queensbury rules as de creatures exchange punches and occasional kicks to each other’s rubber gonads.  Bad guys win but De Unit nowhere to be found.

Trick or treat!  Oh, trick?  How about de fakt you paid to see dis movie?

CIA agent Luke Skywalker pay visit to scientist’s daughter, a woman who run a judo skool.  He tell her he was about to meet her father when he witnessed him being murdered.  Oh, sure, me suppose he could have hurried over to help or maybe even yelled at de bad guys while dey be killing her dad, but dere be no point in crying over spilt milk.  Or dad blood.  Luke all full of qwestions for her but she not have any answers.  Hell, she barely able to string two sentences together.

Unbeknownst to her, she being stalked by creepy judo student, Sean – but dats okay because Sean be our hero.  One night, he be wandering thru a dark alley, minding his own business, when he get surrounded by what passed for a scary street gang in 1991.  Dey beat him up but Sean end up fusing wit De Unit which he, coincidentally, found and helped himself to while watching a police forensic team search for it.   Sean transform into De Guyver and proceed to beat up and kill gang members while dispensing what passed for wry witticisms in 1991.  In keeping wit crap aktion movie tradition, scene culminate in someone ending up head first in a trash can.

Meanwhile, Agent Skywalker try to console grieving daughter.  He talk about her dad.  She cry.  He console her – and try to move in for a kiss.  Seriously.  Dude.  Her dad just died!  Fortunately, dey be interrupted by friend who drop by.  Agent Skywalker tell dem he will go out and pick up someting to eat – because, presumably, he never heard of delivery – and leave.  While he gone, scientist’s daughter get kidnapped by bad guys.

BUT before bad guys can get away, Sean arrive on de scene.  He reskue scientist’s daughter and dey run away.  Bad guys turn into rubber monsters and run after dem, seguing into agonizingly long chase sekwence.  At one point, Zoanoid end up on movie set and get instruktion from direktor who believe he be aktor in shitty monster costume.  Ha ha!  Joke on direktor.  He aktually a REAL ZOANOID dat just LOOK like aktor in shitty monster costume!

De only ting phonier den dat rubber monster suit be her akting.

Cornered in a warehouse, Sean transform into…De Guyver!  More slapping, punching and kicking.  But Guyver get beaten and unplugged.  He end up deflating faster den Grover’s blow up doll at a Jamaican Sandals resort.

But all not lost!  In a twist you never see coming – because it not make any sense at all – Sean come back to life after scientist’s daughter recover Unit’s control crystal.  How she do dis?  Oh, after being brought back to bad guy’s lab and shown de control crystal, she pick up some handy piece of equipment and send gutless scientists running for cover “Look out!  She might hit us wit dat stapler!”), allowing her time to just help herself.

Sean and De Guyver are back!  And better den ever….uh…back about as good as before.  More punching, kicking, and slapping.  Agent Skywalker mutate into giant cockroach and, in one of movie’s most heartfelt moments, die. his little cockroach head going limp in Guyver’s arms. Dis make Guyver VERY mad and, after defeating various Zoanoids, be beat up and blow up Zoalord.  De end.

But wait!  All bad guys not dead yet.  J.J. from de old Good Times t.v. show and some other guy survived.  Guy tells J.J. he needs him to do someting for him.  And J.J. reply: “Dynomite!”, really nailing what passed for a very funny in-joke…in 1991.

Verdikt: Lots to hate here and it impossible to cover everyting.  Me need second review to cover atrocious music and transitions alone!

Rating: 2 rubber chocolate chippee cookies.

13 thoughts on “September 9, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Guyver!

  1. I am so glad that Cookie Monster filled me in on all the details. I seriously do not think I could waste 90 minutes or so of my life on that trash. Thank you, Cookie. I owe you one.

  2. I remember this movie, sort of, it wasn’t memorable. They did an anime about Guyver too Joe.

    And speaking of anime, Steins Gate is quite good, certainly it’d be quite an easy show for someone to adapt into a tv show. It wouldn’t require a huge budget or anything. It’s well worth checking out if anyone else likes anime.

  3. Now, far be it for me to correct Cookie on details, but it was actually Sean himself who was going in for the kiss at the apartment, and then came back with the food.

    And I have to admit – I kinda loved this movie. Yes, it had awful production values and was cheesy as hell, but I laughed like I seldom do at most actual comedies. And for all it’s awfulness, it STILL made more sense than “Dark Knight Rises”. I mean, it had a badly-rapping, toking, monster-suited Jimmy “JJ” Walker, Mark Hamill turns into a giant cockroach, and it ends with one of the most famous lines personifying what it means to be a washed-up actor – “DYNOMITE!” And, did I hear a couple of notes of the “Jaws” theme when the Guyver’s blade pops up through the monster’s stomach in the lab and starts moving along? It’s the little things, you know.

    Also, that looks like the excellent Jeffrey Combs (“Weyoun” from ST:DS9) as one of the lab guys.

    I had to wonder if they didn’t start out the movie thinking they were doing something serious and then realized the awfulness of it and just went for laughs. Anyway, I was quite entertained and that’s what I needed tonight after a bit of a rough weekend. On Saturday, the budgie that I’ve had for a couple of years that had been rehomed died. He had not been that well for a while and unfortunately the all-seed diet that he had been on at his previous home prematurely aged him (he was about 7-8 years as far as I know.) Anyway, while he was never exactly hand-tamed, I had become quite attached to the little guy. It was a sad day and he’ll be missed. That evening, when I went to visit my step-mom, she was very upset and depressed about her situation so then I had to calm her down. (Luckily, she seems a lot better the last couple of evenings.)

    Anyway, this movie made me laugh and it helped me relax. For that, I’ll give it as many cookies as it wants.

  4. I did watch this on you tube, can’t believe I watched the whole thing… I think it was Sean in the room with his girl getting busy and was interrupted by her friend. then he left and then the baddies came, killed the friend and took the girl, sorry, no matter how you slice it, it was exactly as Cookie said ,,2 rubber choc chippeeeeee,,. I was not sure how high Luke Skywalkers pants were supposed to be on his waist, not a good look for him. I can really see why I may not have watched this back then..too painful, rubbery monsters, never die, and J.J. dynomite was too over the top,,or bottom,, or side..,stilted dialog, is that the right word!?! I have ever so much respect for Cookie and hope he gets a big reward for sitting thru this.. now rest your eyes CM.

  5. So… what exactly did MacGyver do in this movie? Did Richard Dean Anderson like being in this movie or was it an act of charity? I’m confused. Was this before his Stargate days or after you cancelled SG1 on him? Did MacGyver tie up a Zoanoid with paperclips allowing everyone to get away? Did MacGyver use the elastic from JJ’s pants and hair from the scientist’s daughter to make a net and catch Zoalord? I’m just not clear what MacGyver did in this movie. 😉

  6. Poor Mark Hamill. He stars in a few movies that people hardly even remember and suddenly he’s forever Luke Skywalker.

    I can see what he was trying to do here, playing the part of a grizzled CIA agent, but what was he thinking signing on to a project like this? Did he not read the script?

    Hang on a second . . . CIA? Aren’t they supposed to spy on other countries? What is he doing investigating a corporation? Wouldn’t that be FBI?

    I don’t think the rubber suits were too bad. No worse than anything else of the time.

    What I can’t cope with is the truly awful script. It had no internal logic and, worse, the way characters reacted to the situations they were in was so irrational it kept wrenching me from the movie’s universe back to reality.

    * Minions looking for the Guyver device:
    Minion 1: What are we looking for?
    Ugly Minion Leader: The Guyver.
    Minion 2: What’s it look like?
    UML: I don’t know. How should I know?
    M1: But, didn’t our corporation have it in our possession?
    M2: That’s right. Wasn’t the guy that we just killed working for us to investigate the properties of this thing? Didn’t anyone think to take a photo of it?
    UML: Shut up and keep looking!

    * The baddies have captured Mizky and Sean:
    Ugly Minion Leader: Ah ha! Sean, I have your girlfriend. Give me the Guyver!
    Sean: What’s the Guyver?
    UML: I’m a big scary monster holding your girlfriend by the neck. I could break every bone in her body but I’m not actually going to threaten you with that. Instead I’m going to send my minions at you one at a time so they can get their asses kicked.
    * Boring fight ensues in which minions gingerly attack Sean but only hurt him enough to make him angry and turn into the Guyver.
    UML: Whoa! What the hell is that?
    Sean: I’ma gonna kick your ass!
    * Sean looks at his reflection.
    Sean: Holy shit! What the hell happened to me? I didn’t notice my body shooting black threads out the back of my next and covering me in this rubbery armour!

    The movie poster is totally misleading. It makes it look like Mark Hamill turns into the Guyver!

    I have no idea who JJ Walker is. Was I supposed to find his character funny?

    It’s a shame that we skipped all these crap movies. Watching them in context with their contemporaries, while not making the movies any better, at least might have made things a bit more bearable. Instead, we’ve saved the worst for last.

  7. Boy, I am glad i didn’t watch that movie and i fell sorry for Cookie that he had to sit through that ordeal.

  8. Man, had Mark Hamill not moved into voice-over work, his career could have been ruined so much that he literally “would never work in this town again.”

  9. Ouch. Poor Cookie, this film sounded painful, but I think the Power Ranger crowd would eat this up. No “Guyver 2: Dark World” for Cookie?

  10. “I have no idea who JJ Walker is. Was I supposed to find his character funny?”

    Oh, Line Noise. Those were Good Times. Good Times, indeed.

    Regarding the conversation about what the Guyver looked like, you really need to attend any given meeting where I work.

  11. RUBBER chocolate chip cookies? Wow! That’s pretty awful. I always thought that Mark Hamill’s acting was better in the first movie, got slightly worse in the second movie, and whoa, by the third movie, he was even making Carrie Fisher look bad. But he’s had a wonderful career in voice-overs for video games. Thanks again for having me avoid yet another movie, the time I’d never get back. You know how busy I’ve gotten these days.

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