DK posterDis movie remind monster of Snuffleupagus after last year’s Oktoberfest: a big, bloated, confused mess dat hang around way too long after party end.

Movie picks up 8 years after last one.  Harvey Dent be dead and Gotham be organized crime free.  Batman be gone and Bruce Wayne now a bitter whiner who walk around wit a cane.  His company, Wayne Enterprises, be in de toilet and, to top tings off, he find a woman in a sexy maid outfit at his place – but she just turn out to be dere to steal his mother’s pearls and his fingerprints.

Anne Hathaway's best performance since Your Highness.
Anne Hathaway’s best performance since Your Highness.

Cat burglar, aka Cat Woman, aka Selina Kyle, played by Anne Hathaway (Queen Amygdala, Black Swan, Los Miserables – so diverse!), deliver fingerprints to assistant to Bruce’s business rival.  He try to double cross her but she turn de tables because she get him to use cellphone of congressman she kidnapped and dat instantly tip off battalion of cops who close in on place and get into shootout (No, no time to explain! We have a plot to catch up to!) dat end wit Commissioner Gordon captured in sewers by probably de worst villain in a Batman movie since de Penguin.  He a big hulking brute named Bane whose face be covered by a mask yet express himself wit all de flair of an embittered stage aktor reduced to doing cartoon voiceover work. Listening him like sitting thru Shakespearean version of Santo Contra el Cerebro del Mal.

Famed Mexican wrestler Santo.
Famed Mexican wrestler Santo.
And de villainous Bane!
And de villainous Bane!

Gordon injured and get flushed down de sewers where he get found by young cop whose experience being an orphan allow him to deduce Bruce Wayne really Batman (!).

Bane and co. attack Gotham Stock Cxchange and use Bruce Wayne’s stolen fingerprints to execute a transaction dat bankrupt him.  Meanwhile, Alfred de butler, sick of Bruce’s moping, inform him dat dead ex-girlfriend Rachel Dawes chose Harvey Dent over him.  So, really, she not really getting all dat upset over.

Worried dat business rival will try to take control of Wayne Enterprises and get his hands on de fusion reaktor Bruce has been keeping in storage along wit his old Phish CD’s, Bruce put board member Miranda Tate in charge.  Den, he don Batman outfit and go to meet Bane.  Unfortunately, Batman be out of shape after 8 years of sitting around eating donuts and get his back broken.  Like most stoopid villains, rather than kill his opponent, Bane decide to keep him alive – in dis case shipping him off to a foreign prison.

Wit Batman out of de way becuz he killed him threw him in prison, Bane enact his nefarious plan to blow up Gotham using Wayne Enterprises’s fusion reaktor.  He take de city hostage.  Mobs rise up!  Wealthy citizens are put on trial and given choice of being executed or exiled – which see dem attempt to cross frozen bay. Unsuccessfully.  Later Gordon and his men are captured and given choice between execution or exile.  Dey choose “Execution!”.  So judge declare: “Execution…by exile!”.  And dey forced to walk across de frozen bay (exile) or get shot (execution). And dey start walking across de bay – even though dey already choose execution so why de heck dey walking across de bay instead of taking de bullet?  Stick to your convikitions!

Bruce’s broken back get better!  He eskape from prison and return to Gotham.  Wit help of Gordon, young detective, and seksy Catwoman, he take on Bane and – surprise villain – Miranda Tate (aka Talia al Ghul)!.  Catwoman blast Bane.  Talia killed in road accident.  And Batman fly reaktor into middle of ocean where it explode harmlessly, far from everyone except de odd yacht and freighter.  Enjoy your radiated corn shipment, Bangladesh!

Funeral held for Bruce Wayne.  Wayne manor becomes orphanage.  We diskover young detective’s name be Robin.  Alfred de Butler sip tea in Paris where he spot…Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle!  De End?  Monster sure hope so!

Verdikt: Bat trilogy definitely not save de best for last.

Rating: 5 chocolate chippee cookies.

19 thoughts on “August 5, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Dark Knight Rises!

  1. “…Brevity is the soul of wit
    And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes…”
    Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 – William Shakespeare

    Guess which part this movie was?

    I remember when I saw this at the theatre walking away feeling I had ultimately been beaten with a pool noodle for almost three hours. It was just so… much. And mostly not good.

    Of course, there were all sorts of WTF moments:

    When they drop the captured plane, it drops STRAIGHT down. Shouldn’t the cargo plane’s forward motion quickly outpace it? Made no sense.

    Why would anyone work for Bane, when it’s clear you can be dispatched at a moment’s notice? Then again, I often think that about villains.

    It STILL doesn’t make sense that Batman is taking the rap for Dent’s murder. Why do it that way?? Well, except to set up this whole storyline, I suppose.

    Also, where the HELL did all the motorcycles come from to escape the stock exchange? Hidden in their backpacks, or something? That was just stupid.

    Why would the police continue going down into the tunnel when there was CLEARLY an explosion somewhere that just happened down there? “Well, that sure doesn’t sound safe. Let’s go there!”

    Did no one not associated with Bane never notice the amount of explosives that were being installed (which must have taken months) all OVER THE CITY?! It just strains credulity.

    Wouldn’t a protruding vertebrae require complex orthopedic surgery in order not to cause permanent paralysis rather than, you know, a punch to the back?

    When crossing the ice, why wouldn’t the exiles get down on their stomachs and spread themselves out to minimize the chance of going through the ice? Dummies. Maybe they’d get shot, but it would be worth a try.

    How did Bruce Wayne get back into the city when no one can get out? I know – Shhhhhh!

    Oh, there’s Teal’c!! Apparently, he had a number of scenes actually with Bane, which obviously wound up on the cutting room floor.

    Why did they stand around watching Miranda die, while the bomb is only minutes from detonating??? I would think that would be more important that listening to whatever dumb reasoning she had for doing all this.

    Only 5 seconds to eject and get clear of the bomb blast, even with autopilot? Um, no.

    This did have its upsides, but like so many of these more recent movies, it’s actually ruined by its “epic” length. I remember when I saw this at the theatre thinking that it was both extremely long, and yet at the same time not really long enough for what story it seemed to (but never did) want to tell. Probably because of the winding, long winded storyline revolving around Scottish Darth Vader’s, er I mean Bane’s capture of the city, along with all its logical inconsistencies and improbabilities. It seemed like there were huge chunks of – something – missing, especially after Bane captures the city, and yet the movie clocks in at terribly long 2:44. It seems as though LOTS of time must have passed, but there’s not real indication of that.

    Ultimately, I can’t put it any better then the excellent “Honest Trailers” guy:

    And yeah, he should have been concerned about “Man of Steel”.

  2. @ archersangel – At looking over the foodie list again, I noticed that most of the foods on it are specific to a certain region of the world, or – in the case of the US – specific to certain States. They’re also foods that are popular in the region they’re from. from which they originate. With maybe the exception of the likes of caviar and foie gras, most of the foods are ‘staple’ dishes, some even national dishes. Since not every foodie is from America, I suppose things like fried chicken and mac and cheese would be considered regional delicacies that are not widely available everywhere else.

    And yes, I AM totally overthinking this!

    @ Tam Dixon – I’m doing something better than leaving a note – I’m sending Mr. Das into battle while I sit back and play General! 😀


  3. Cookie, you forgot to mention “The Judge”, Mr. Christopher Judge is in the movie… all be it for a few minutes only.

  4. Didn’t see the movie on the big (or small) screen, but I enjoyed the review!

    TV shows: 65 (I’m counting them even if I only watched one or two episodes and then decided not to waste my time – and I don’t watch cop or lawyer or mob shows which rules out a number of them)

    Books: 31 and I’m thrilled to see Paladin of Souls there. Great book!

    Foods: 73. Oooh. I love mango sticky rice in the summertime. And I had currywurst in Bavaria. The Germans don’t really do spicy. Just sayin’

    Drinks: I don’t drink mixed drinks much so I’m not sure I’ll bother with this.

    Sports: hmmm. not so much.

    Okay, done!

    Good luck with the spiders and termites, das!

  5. Although I completely disagreed with Cookie on The Dark Knight, I unfortunately must agree “mostly” with him on this movie. I consider this movie to have potential on so many levels only to be let down on all those levels. It’s like they had 20 story ideas and instead of picking 4 to flesh out, they used all 20 and just glossed over them. Very frustrating after 2 great entries for the franchise. Still, I’d give it a 6.

  6. Chris Judge’s scenes with Bane got cut because Chris is more physically imposing than Tom Hardy, and you can hardly have a main villain who’s special skill is listed as “being huge” be outdone by one of his underlings. Then to add insult to injury, Joseph Gordon-Levitt – a man half Chris’ size – takes Chris out with a few punches.

    Ultimately The Dark Knight Rises Again Part 2: The Return of the Revenge is a movie that annoys me the more I think about it (a bit like Iron Man 3). So much of it doesn’t make sense, and right from the very start it’s full of problems, like how Bruce is a hobbled old man… yet apparently never suited up as Batman again after the end of The Dark Knight… so why is he so crippled now when he wasn’t then?

    Bane is a difficult character to use at the best of times (a super-intelligent wrestler who works out who Batman is), yet what they went with didn’t help. I love his voice, but it’s still silly. And very easy to make fun of (

    I just didn’t like this one.

    Also this:

  7. I managed to miss all of the Christian Bale Batman’s, and Cookie is assuring me it was a good decision. By the way, Queen Amidala and Black Swan were played by Natalie Portman, but hey, how is Cookie to tell one pretty human from another! In fact, maybe he was being ironic and clever!

  8. The problem with this movie is that they tried to incorporate 2 major storylines from the Batman comic books that took years to tell in the comics.

    KNIGHTFALL- all of Gotham’s villains escape and terrorize the city all at once, and while taking on an exhausted Batman Bane breaks his back making Bruce Wayne to give up the cowl and forcing a long road to recovery while another more violent individual takes his place as Batman (1993-95)

    NO MAN’S LAND- after a massive earthquake nearly destroys Gotham all of the bridges in and out of the city are gone and the Federal Gov’t declares it a “no man’s land” …while Bruce Wayne is away trying to address the problem by political (and financial) means, the villains of Gotham rise up to declare parts of the city as their own as Gotham gets carved up in to various territories (ie- it’d be like if the gangs in LA or Chicago suddenly owned the entire city and set up their own territorial borders). Batman has to find a way to get into Gotham, then he must find a way to reclaim it from the evil that lurks within. (1998-99)

    ..they tried to force too much storyline into 1 movie, they should have gone with one or the other, but not both. When the 3rd movie was commissioned, a lot of the public outcry from Bat fans was to see the ‘Bane breaks Batman’s back’ story on the big screen, but really the whole idea of No Man’s Land makes for a good movie on its own without needing a 90 minute Knightfall set up, plus it would have given them more time to do cameos of other famous Batman villains running through Gotham. Either way though, I saw it at an Imax and it was enjoyable even though all the plot flaws .. best part was seeing Chris Judge on the Imax screen! One the plus side, Anne Hathaway did a great modern take on Cat Woman (loved the flip-up cat ear goggles).

  9. The more I watch this movie the more I hate it.

    WTFs abound:

    Bruce bankrupts his company building a fusion reactor that he also keeps secret from the rest of the company. He has the help of Mr Fox who has been siphoning off funds and technology from the company for decades. Without anyone noticing.

    Bruce refuses to turn the reactor on because a Russian scientist published a paper on how to create a fusion bomb . . . even though fusion bombs have been around since the ’50s.

    Mr Fox’s secret keeping isn’t that great, however, because Bane knows exactly where the weapons bunker and fusion reactor are and tunnels directly to them. Without anyone noticing.

    Using homeless kids and street thugs in what must be a billion dollar civil construction project large enough to rival the building of the Suez canal, Bane orchestrates the tunnelling and pouring of explosive concrete at key areas of the city along with the laying of bombs on every bridge out of the city. Without anyone noticing.

    Bruce, who is practically a cripple after years of wear and tear fighting crime, with no cartilage left in his knees, has his back broken by Bane. Bane, in the middle of project managing the aforementioned civil construction, takes time out to personally fly Bruce to some hole-in-the-ground prison in some unnamed country. Bane then rushes back to Gotham to ensure his workers aren’t clocking off early. They have a deadline to meet, afterall. They need to explode the bombs at the precise moment of kickoff in a football game which is also the precise moment every single cop in the city is underground which is the precise moment Bruce happens to be watching TV in a prison on the other side of the world.

    Through the astute application of a swift punch in the back and pushups Bruce gets better!!!! His back is unbroken and the cartilage in his knees grows back. Arthritis suffers rejoice! Forget all those pills and injections you need just in order to get out of bed in the morning! What you need is an underground prison and 10 hours of pushups every day!

    Bruce grows a beard! Even though later on we’ll see the cops that have been trapped underground for weeks emerging bleary eyed and clean shaven Bruce spends the same amount of time in a prison and grows a nice bushy beard.

    Bruce escapes prison! After several failed attempts Bruce realises that it’s not strength or agility that will allow him to jump the gap in order to climb out of the prison. He needs to be willing to die doing it because nothing makes you jump further, faster and higher than the threat of certain death . . . just ask any Olympic athlete.

    In no time at all Bruce appears back in Gotham, clean shaven and rearing to go. He immediately finds where Mr Fox is hiding out and they go to – another – secret hidden bunker where Bruce has a spare set of all his Batman toys.

    We find out that Miranda has been behind it all from the beginning! This was her cunning plan to enact revenge on the man who killed her father:

    1. Work hard for many years to become a successful business woman
    2. Get elected to the board of Wayne Enterprises
    3. Meanwhile, enlist the help of the man who saved you from death in prison to manage your multi-billion dollar civil construction project along with a few side projects like kidnapping Russian scientists.
    4. Harass Bruce Wayne about your green energy plan at every available opportunity
    5. Have sex with Bruce so he’ll trust you
    6. Organise a hostile takeover from a business rival in order to get Bruce to hand over the company to you
    7. Send Bruce to the prison you nearly died in so he can watch the rest of your plan take shape on TV
    8. Get access to the fusion reactor and get the Russian scientist to turn it into a bomb
    9. Blow up parts of Gotham City so that you can blow it up some more with a nuke
    10. Hang around in the city that is about to be nuked, secure in the knowledge that the man you’re trying to get revenge on is safe and sound on the other side of the world


  10. Christopher Judge got lucky that his part was cut diown in this movie. Dark Knight Rises will forever be associated to the Colorado theater shooting which cast a dark cloud over this movie.

  11. I usually enjoy these reviews, but not this time around.

    You must have seen a different version of the film I saw. I think DKR is the best of the trilogy.

  12. I can’t tell if you’re trolling us, or if you really don’t know that actresses Anne Hathaway (Les Mis, Dark Knight Rises) and Natalie Portman (SW-Queen Amidala, Black Swan, Your Highness) are two different women?

    Anyway, pretty accurate review – this movie was a mess. For a movie about the “Dark Knight” there is a surprising *lack* of Batman.

  13. Supplyship was right except for “your highness”. Anne Hathaway was “your highness” in The Princess Diaries. Queen Amidala, (NataliePortman) went by your majesty.

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