Oh, you know what I’m talking about.  Those hideous gifts that, for some reason, others thinks are simply adorable or just perfect for you but, in fact, leave you wondering WTF?  Seriously.  W-T-F?  Crocs?  A ceramic knick-knack?  A teal foulard?!  Of course, you bite your tongue, force a smile, and thank the giver for being so thoughtful – before re-gifting the monstrosity or packing it away to be discovered, generations from now, in the deepest, darkest corner of your crawlspace.

We’ve all received our fair share of truly terrible presents.  Here are a few of my most memorable:

1The red sweater vest (what my friends derisively coined “the shvest”) my mother got me one Christmas when I was about ten.  “It’s very stylish,”she insisted (mothers, of course, always being on the forefront of what’s cool and what’s not) as she made me try it on and parade around, much to my little sister’s delight.  The first and last time I wore it.  I wouldn’t be surprised to learn it’s still sitting upstairs in my old bedroom drawer.

1“I figured you could use a Jets hat,”said my cousin, looking positively embarrassed as I eyed the cap.  Me, a life Raiders fan, glancing back at him, confused.  He shrugged as if to say “Yeah, let’s move on.”  Free swag?  Re-gift?  Found on the bus?  Hard to say but suffice it to say that cap remained in mint condition for a very long time.  The Jets?  When was the last time they were good?  Certainly not thirty years ago when I received this gift.

1I remember heading downstairs with my little sister and cousins on Christmas Eve and trying to identify the contents of the brightly colored wrapping.  We would weigh, shake, feel and, of course, hold them up to the light.  Definitely a record.  I could make out letters and words “M—– Melodies”.  Of course!  Monster Melodies!  A collection of creature-feature themed tunes, the perfect present for the little horror aficionado.  I was thrilled.  Until I tore off the wrapping paper and discovered it wasn’t Monster Melodies but Messiah Melodies.  The perfect present for the little church hymn afocionado!

1At the end of every season, my fellow Stargate produers and I would occasionally receive gifts from the cast.  It was never expected and always appreciated.  Well, the gesture was mightily appreciated.  The giant box of sour keys – not so much.  They sat in the writers room, untouched, for three years before mysteriously disappearing one night.

1Another end of season gift – for the man who has everything, except a goldfish.  I wasn’t sure how to proceed.  Not exactly something I could pack away, and flushing it was out of the question.  Fortunately, Playback Supervisor Krista McLean was more than happy to take the little guy off my hands and add him to her growing home aquarium.

1When I go clothes shopping, I follow the WWJBVD principle.  What Would a James Bond Villain Do?  Wear a Tommy Hilfiger tie?  Definitely not!

SONY DSCThe gravy boat from my ex’s sister included a bonus item: a year old note from a wedding guest congratulating her on her nuptials.

Okay, let’s hear it (and, if possible, see ’em!).  What were your Worst Presents Ever?

44 thoughts on “May 4, 2013: Worst Presents Ever!

  1. Sure the vest sweater (*smirk*) was bad, but at least your aunt didn’t make you bunny pajamas a la Ralphie in “A Christmas Story”.

    I’m having a really hard time thinking of my “worst” gift ever. I’ve had lots of boring ones like socks, including synthetic fibre ones which I cannot wear (merino wool only, please!) I did get a very cheesy green satin finish Boston Celtics jacket many years ago. I do not like satin, I do not like that shade of green, and I do not like the Celtics (or basketball really, for that matter.) So, it hung in my closet for many years, and may still be there if I haven’t gotten rid of it on some purge that I’ve done over the years.

    It was just like this one! http://thumbs4.ebaystatic.com/d/l225/m/mRYj6VH1yFs5ZsQDodrfPIA.jpg

  2. Oh, no, I was trying to forget,, the big(giant) flowered purse,(like hawaiian) , the neighbor meant well.. the shorts outfit, never have wanted to show that much leg, sorry mom,, and its bedtime, so maybe, I will sleep on it…

  3. There were a few years that my kids found it hilarious to give me cartoon or humorously printed boxers for Christmas. There was the Tabasco printed boxers with the phrase “Hot Pants” across the back, the pair of boxers with hearts and lips (in inconveniently located places), and the Tasmanian Devil boxers with the tornado covering the backside. Needless to say, I’ve never worn any of them.

  4. Herpes.

    d as in doesn’t actually have herpes…it just sounded funny to me. 🙂

  5. I can’t think of anything right now. I know I’ve had some “gee, thanks” moments over the years, but I just don’t remember (hold grudges) things like that. Does your mom read your blog? I bet she is crying right now. Joe, appologize to your mother. (Next time you go home, please drag out that sweater vest and model it for us. You know it’s still there.)

    Come on, confess. What was the worse gift YOU ever gave? You probably didn’t even know it… 😉

    P.S. I would love that Hymn collection! 🙂
    P.S.S. And for the record, I only give great gifts. 😀 😉

  6. And also, love that tie. What’s wrong with you? It’s pretty. And I’m the one at work who will give an ample opportunity for some food to be eaten before I have no trouble making it suddenly disappear. The gravy boat… now that’s bad…that they didn’t get the note out before giving it to you.

  7. My mother-in-law gives very nice presents, she just gives so many duplicates. For example, 3 pairs of wool-lined boots on the same Christmas, along with two pairs of the exact same jeans. This fall, she bought me different colors of the same sweater, except two of them were the same color. It was like I was wearing a uniform all winter, which I don’t mind. If you only count the claymation version of the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer DVD, she’s bought 5 copies of that.

    She also keeps buying socks for my kids that they can’t use because she insists that every pair be different and I’m way too disorganized to keep up with that much matching. I’m not just being stubborn about it, it really does throw me off my game to try to use them. I’ve been telling her for seven years what the problem is, I even leave them at her house and my husband’s not allowed to bring them home, but she still buys them.

  8. all of the gifts i got in grade school during the class secret santa exchange were bad. the worst, IMHO, was the cheap-o necklace & pierced earrings set. especially since i don’t have pierced ears & they came from someone i had been in the same class with for a few years at that point, so she should’ve known.

  9. When we were kids my parents gave my sister a pathetically bad birthday present. They got her a phone for her room (which she didn’t even want) but with a cruel twist. They got a cordless phone with the intention of putting the base downstairs in the kitchen, and the cordless part in her room. Essentially they were killing two birds with one stone, getting a phone for the kitchen that they needed and fulfilling the present requirement of my sister’s birthday. In reality they were buying something for themselves and slapping a happy birthday sticker on it. Let me tell you, my sister wasn’t amused. It was a particularly shouty birthday.

  10. You know, I *know* I’ve had really bad gifts. But it’s always hard to think of specific ones when someone asks this question. Suffice to say, my mother, I love her but, sometimes she just gets gifts wrong. Like the light up palm tree I asked for in 10th grade…and got when I was 22 (although I do use it now since I have a patio). Or a piece of jewelry or shirt I’d never wear. Eh, I can’t really complain.

    Also, while I understand your clothing style, I’m digging that tie. Very appropriate for my male grad school colleagues. 😉

  11. Plants. Every year I get a plant. Which is actually a nice gift, except I’m a serial plant killer. They look happy and healthy when I get them, then die a slow torturous death. When I tell people the plant died, they of course gift me with another one. And the cycle continues. It’s depressing.

    If you do end up coming to LA, forget the pool. We’re having historic drought conditions, and if it ends up like it was in the 70’s then you won’t be able to fill it anyway. On the bright side, you could use it for skateboarding.

    Last week we had the Camarillo fire, 28,000 acres burned with Santa Ana winds sending the fire and smoke to the Pacific ocean. Then on Friday, the winds shifted and sent all the smoke back inland. We were gagging in our building. Then in the afternoon another fire broke out near home, 25 miles away. They had to evacuate all the residents in a canyon near where my mom lives. I didn’t know if she would have to evacuate, but she’s 90 years old and completely bed bound, and these fires move like lightening in 60 mph winds. But thankfully, the Santa Ana’s had mostly died down, and she was ok. Otherwise, I would have had to call the fire department paramedics to hopefully get up to her house and rescue her.

    I just wanted to say how fantastic our firefighters are. They endlessly risk their lives protecting our lives and property. We owe them so much.

  12. Bahahahaha, you aren’t afraid to make enemies with those gifts posted huh?

    Worse gift was angel. Jews don’t really do angels. They were expensive f’ing designer angels. From someone who has know me for a billion years and knows I don’t believe in angels. Oh and a GIANT magnifying glass (though my husband actually liked it)– another expensive brand but why? I actually asked, WTF? She said her vision was going and she had the same one and used it a lot. Soon after that the friend (yes same person) begin just giving me money. I love her unbelievably, but good at picking out gifts she isn’t. Hmm. and there was a gawd awful pink and orange jacket my MIL sent my child who even at 8 knew it was hideous and asked if she had to wear it… I assured her not in this life time. We donated to goodwill or some place.

    On goldfish.. holy hannah. Those suckers are major freaking work. My daughter called 4 falls ago and said “I got a goldfish at the carnival.” Me: Take it back. Her: NO it will go to someone who will kill it! Me: Take it back. Her: No, I’ll take care of it, I’ll take it back and forth to college.

    Yeah, right, that lasted about 1 semester til the reality that bringing him home breaks and summers was going to kill him.. and the bigger reality that the 10 gal she got didn’t begin to meet his growing needs so he’s in a 30 gal. And so who the hell has taken care of the damned goldfish I told her to give back? Me yes me. And both Larry and I talk to the damned thing and we all adore him. But did you know they can live up to 16 YEARS or more if cared for right? Btw, she was right. All the other college buddies who got a fish when she did… dead in a week to a month. I think one made it 2 mos. Jean Luc is now with us almost 4 yrs, and giant and he’ll probably outlive me. Flushing is also out of the question, but I can assure you that free goldfish costs about 15 bucks a month in chemicals, food, filters etc, so her free gold fish, even if only $10 x 48, plus the 3 aquariums/pumps etc has cost at least $800 in 4 yrs. Oy.

  13. My family say I am “into computers”. Therefore one Xmas I received from my brother a bottle of LCD cleaner and a little squeegee. I think it’s still shoved away untouched in the back of some draw.

  14. Worst present ever had to be a multicoloured dog lead (Think Apache design) with a matching belt for the owner. The lead wasn’t even up to much, so short it would have kept the little guy clamped by my side! As for the belt, let’s just say when doggy boy is desperate to go out, changing my belt is the last thing on my mind plus, I actually have a life!

    Thanks for the reply Joe, and I’ll check out those links. What I’d like to know is the main difference between writing prose, and script writing. I know scripts are mainly dialogue, but what I’d like to learn is a rough idea of lay out, and roughly how many pages would make up.an hour/ ninety minute episode. I have an idea for a pilot that I think would make great television. I know, I know…every budding writer says that!

  15. Is it me, or have I just signed into CRAIGSLIST..? 😀
    Don’t mind me, just spent 6+ hours today going to Rummage and Yard Sales! Pretty much filled the Trunk for under $15.! — ANYONE need white caster-wheels..? Washing machine connector-hoses..? Brand new!!

    BTW, I’ll raise your “BAD GIFTS” with “BAD RUMMAGE SALE ITEMS”… No Lie, I came across no less than 3 items at today’s “Church” Sale that No one bought, that were at a “School” [5 miles away!] Sale *LAST* Saturday!! – Definitely an “Amazing-FRUITCAKE-Race” moment…

  16. when I was 12, Santa (yes, SANTA!) Brought me a pantygirdle and a framed copy of the Mona Lisa. Huh.

  17. Hideous bright blue cardigan with gold colored buttons. It was ghastly and made me look ghastly wearing it. And I had to wear it. It itched. And I had a rash after. It disappeared very quickly.

    Also, anything purple. Somehow, my mother got it into her head one year that I loved the color purple and, when Christmas came, every damned thing (and it was all clothes that year) was purple. To this day, it makes me shudder when people point out something ‘in a nice purple that would look good on you’.

  18. Not only Messiah Melodies, but Mormon Messiah Melodies! I recognize that organ. (insert inappropriate remark HERE). The tie isn’t the worst thing there. And you can wear the Jets hat if you ever see a production of West Side Story.

    Ah, good times. Cast resin rocking horse music box, all flowery. Cast resin mice on a piano music box. I don’t collect music boxes. It was like my nieces had never been inside my house and had strolled through Ross or Tuesday Morning on dollar day.
    A clear acrylic angel holding the wrong birthstone, clearance bin sticker included. I HATE all things angel.
    I do have some pewter figurines, so the MIL decided I needed an “I Wuv U” pewter dragon, with glitter wings. Well, at least she was in the ballpark on this one.

    Hey now, my mom had a pair of white porcelain partridges from the 60s. I kept them because…. oh hell, they are pretty bad. I kept her glass fruit too.

  19. Hey Joe

    Quite a few years ago, while I was working for Zellers, I got a bottle of After Shave. The only problem was, I’ve had a beard since the the hairs sprouted on my face when I was 14. The lady who got it for me (it was a secret Santa thing they did every year) worked with me for 2 years, 5 days a week, in the same dept., shoes. We were the only two people in the dept.


  20. My brother-in-law used to bring nice gifts from Japan, but this one wall hanging is made from brass plates welded together to frame two insets of the densest clay. It’s so heavy and dense and a tad sharp on the edges, an effective guillotine if you ever need one heavy enough that it doesn’t need to fall far to do its job. Despite its aesthetic beauty, when I get close enough to look at it, my mind fills with grisly visions.

    Even if I could securely bolt it to the wall, it doesn’t seem safe to handle it long enough to accomplish that. I keep it in my basement, lying flat on the floor below some shelving so it can’t possibly have any distance left to fall. Most expensive things would at least get some elevation in basement storage to protect from slight flooding, but not that.

    I don’t aim to complain about my in-laws too much. They shower us with nice gifts, but more increases the odds there’ll be some stinkers in there.

  21. Even though we didn’t have much money, my parents usually gave great Christmas presents. Except, one year when I was somewhere in my tween years… There was an enormous box, with my name on it, under the tree. It was huge, and intriguing, and sure to be holding the best thing ever! But, when I ripped it open on Christmas morning, it turned out to be a light-weight chest of drawers, empty. It was made of particle board or cardboard, covered with plastic fabric, pink flowers on the front and white vinyl elsewhere.

    I could feel the disappointment down to my stomach.

  22. One year my hubby gave his Mom and me jumper cables….like either one of us even know how to use them!

  23. Years ago when I was about 10 or 11, my grandmother started giving me a dishtowel every Christmas. It wasn’t my only gift, but it was always included in the mix. At the time I thought Grandma was batty, but after she passed away, my mom and I both decided independently to keep up the tradition since we both got such a big kick out of it. So now we each give each other a dish towel, and we’ve both got quite an entertaining collection of funky fabric for drying the dishes.

  24. First of all, I agree with Das! Doesn’t your mom read the blog? You need to dig out that sweater dude!

    The worst gifts came from my Aunt. She was a semi-sweet lady but came from the depression area. Nothing was junk to her and she became a major hoarder. Gifts were usually something she got at a yard sale years before. Chipped, broken, dirty and with the homemade tapped tag still stuck to it. It was hard to leave her house empty handed. She wouldn’t throw anything away but she’d load it up with you to take home. If anything did have real value, then she would ask for it back later to give to her own kids. That used to drive my dad crazy.

    I can’t believe someone gave you a fish. One of my uncles gave my mom a parakeet once. She managed to keep it alive until she found it a home. We are cat people, the bird was very lucky to survive.

  25. Receiving intimate garments as gifts from a total stranger is…..odd. 😉

  26. Oh, where to start? A Haitian “etching” of Pisces, a Haitian frog on a rocking chair, a dishtowel with scones and strawberries, a cheap set of body spray/lotion from daughter’s ex-in laws (which became “Elway anti-fart spray” for the car and could choke a cow), a Western ruffly shirt from my MIL, all baby blue with pink thingies on it (WTF?), clay doves. Oh yeah, the Guatemalan national flower in silver on a pin (really?). That said, I’ve given some doozies in my day, as well, to wit: A certain French Bulldog t-shirt I sent to “someone”. (But come on, it really was cute…:)

    We’re all sick here today, courtesy of little MIchael, and I’ve got it BAD.

  27. 😳 It was Ponytail I agreed with about your mom. Not Das and her herpes 😉 .

  28. CORRECTED VERSION–Please do not approve previous comment

    My beloved, late mom usually had good taste, but she picked out some horrendous, *matching* raincoats for my sister and me one late-1990′s Christmas.

    Looked like this:
    But in colors like this:

    Although our body shapes are different, neither of us could carry off that dolman-sleeved, banded-bottom style, especially with the “career clothing” we both then favored. Fortunately, they were purchased from a boutique in Mom’s neighborhood; we made a fun family excursion of the returns.

  29. @maggiemayday: white porcelain partridges – 🙂 I’m thinking now that they were re-gifted.

    @das: the pork is in the oven. Couldn’t get the dang annato seeds, but I found a Goya spice blend that has annato and cumin. Not exactly the original recipe, but I’m thinking that with all the other spices, it should be okay this time. But I’m going to order some online so I can do it again another time with the right stuff! Did you learn to make this just because it is Johnny Depp’s character’s favorite food in Once Upon a Time in Mexico? Hmmmmm?

  30. Wait, Mormon Messiah Melodies. Important detail, there. I want that. I’m not Mormon, but when it comes to Handel, I love the brand.

    A goldfish, a 49 cent plastic baggie full of obligation and expense that you did not volunteer for. I might as well gift-wrap my electricity bill.

    Obligatory post-zombie apocalypse observation: the least practical gifts get the least wear and get a nice, sealed box in the furthest corner of our basements. They will rot the slowest after the zombie apocalypse. Hundreds of years from now, the survivors will send out teams of archaeologists to try to piece together the story of our lives from a red sweater vest, a tiny squeegee for an LCD screen, and a multicolored dog lead with a matching belt for the owner.

  31. Along the lines of the sweater, if it had been made by my Grandma it would still be residing in a pristine state in my dresser, my mom gave me a set of terry cloth shorts. I looked at her and asked “really?” (as in WTF were you thinking?) She insisted that they were all the fashion now and even your neighbor (the husband) wore a pair. She saw my head turned and cocked. The shorts were not around the next day.
    Oh I was never in your office so you can’t blame me for the disappearance of the sour treats.

  32. Are you kidding? I would love a box of sour keys! They’re my favourite! When I was a kid, I happened upon a half eaten one lying on the sidewalk. I ate it.

  33. @ Tam Dixon – *points and laughs* Yeah, you even had me confused there for a sec. 😉

    I remember back when herpes first started really making the news, and I would just ask people flat out if they had herpes before even shaking hands, or drink from their glass. It used to embarrass the hell out of my sister, but hey! I never got ’em, so in my humble there is no shame in asking!

    @Sparrowhawk – You are 110% right! I had to make it just so I could have a bite of his pork. 😉 Ended up loving the dish, however, with or without the Depp connection.

    Speaking of Mexican pork, tonight we went down to the neighborhood Mexican joint for Cinco de Mayo. I had this most wonderful thing called a tlayuda, with chorizo and grilled chicken (and refried beans, lettuce, cheese, and other stuff), on a large corn tortilla, served with homemade guacamole. It was out of this world! Then, for dessert, we had coconut ice cream stuffed with mango sorbet and coated with dark chocolate…it was like a Mounds bar…with mango sorbet…sent straight from heaven. I wasn’t too careful gluten-wise, so not sure if anything will come back to haunt me, but for now I am enjoying the ‘afterglow’. 😉


  34. Just curious, what spurred this post on, Joe?

    By the way, my worst would either be a set of plastic dishware with BPA in it bought for someone else or a pair of rainbow-sparkle pants and a floral hat. Sweet thoughts, but off the mark.

  35. My friend was a writer on In Living Color, and during the run of the show, someone gifted Keenan Ivory Wayans a Juiceman II juicer — the kind you’d see advertised on late nite infomercials. The juicer sat, unopened, in the writers’ room until the show went off the air, at which point my friend ended up with the juicer, simply because no one else wanted it. Several years later, I was helping my friend move from one house to another, and he asked me, “Hey, do you have any interest in a really nice juicer that’s never been used?” I’d never even remotely considered owning a juicer in my life, but I was underemployed, poor, and willing to take any and all handouts, no matter how seemingly useless. I’ve actually gotten a hell of a lot of use out of Keenan’s cast-off gift. It’s still going strong to this day!

    As for bad gifts received, they’ve mostly come from my brother, who was hit by a car when he was three, which resulted in a coma and lasting brain damage that isn’t obvious to others, but definitely affects his processing power. I don’t know if that’s the reason for his abysmally terrible gifting sense, but I prefer to give him the benefit of the doubt and just chalk it up to that. A bright red T-shirt with a giant, screenprinted cartoon of a guy sitting outside an igloo, freezing his nuts off with “Canada” written as a sort of one-word explanation of the scene. That was from my brother. He also gifted me a doughnut-making kit that’s never been used. Dumb joke books (about lawyers, since I’m a lawyer) or too-easy games I’ll never play (also law-related) are more brother-gifts. All of these items, though, continue to move with me from apartment to apartment and now to our house, where they’ll probably stay a very long time. I should have a yard sale or donate them so someone can get use from them, but I feel a little bad giving something away that was a gift.

  36. I just remembered a sneaky and brilliant practical joke pulled by my sister and her husband on my brother (not the brother who gives tacky gifts; a different brother). At Christmas, we’re a big family, all opening gifts at the same time, so you usually don’t see every gift being opened up by every other family member. You might catch the ones being opened to either side of you on the couch, but rarely the ones being opened across the room from you. Only when it’s all over can you go around to other people’s piles and get up to speed on who gave what to whom. One year, my sister and her husband got a purposefully ugly tie to give to my dad, only they signed the gift tag “From Bill” (who is my brother). They put a lot of thought into the tie:it had to be ugly enough to be clearly a terrible gift, but not SO ridiculously ugly as to look like a gag gift. They wanted my conservative, serious dad to genuinely believe it had come from Bill and that Bill had been sincere in giving it. The tie they went with was a striped number, with dark mustard-yellow and maroon fairly thick stripes. Really bad.

    When he opened it, my dad murmured his standard, “Thank you, Bill” but in the bustle of presents being unwrapped and chatter, Bill didn’t quite register what he was being thanked for, and just assumed my dad was talking about the gift Bill had actually gotten him. Only when unwrapping was finished, and Bill was making the rounds to check out everyone else’s piles of gifts did he find the tie.box, open it up and receive the shock of seeing the gift tag stuffed inside bearing his name on it as the giver. He was really irritated! “What?!?!? I didn’t give this to you, Dad! It’s awful! You actually thought I would give you THIS???” And then he indignantly demanded to know where it had come from and why it had his name attached to it. It was absolutely hilarious. Brilliant joke!!!

  37. The worst…came from my husband on a Christmas past. It was a violin with huge fake red apples thrown in the box. I asked WHAT??? It was a decoration for the wall. He NEVER bought my gift before Christmas Eve…so it was usually in poor taste. Probably on the list of why 21 years with him was far more than enough. Sorry…no photo…it never made it to the wall. I made him return the gift as punishment for buying it. 😈

    I just saw “Electronic Cigarets” on TV…now THAT would be FABULOUS as a White Elephant gift. Hahaha….

    The all time weird gifts came as “wedding” gifts.

  38. Our book club has a white elephant exchange and it is true that one person’s bad gift is another person’s treasure. However there was one that kept coming back for several years- the shake weight. When we caught on to the approximate dimensions, it became hard to bring back. So I brought a very small box. Inside was a note–you are now the proud owner of the shake weight for the next year. The recipient decided it was time to move it to a different white elephant group.

    I think I have told this story at some point but we always give our neighbors a small treat. We put it at their door on Christmas Eve so they do not feel the need to reciprocate. Some years it might be candy we made, or muffins or something Patrick helped to make, like an ornament. We always included our Muslim neighbors because they would put up Christmas lights so I figured they celebrated at least the commercial side of the holiday like some atheists I know. But I always say happy holiday and thank you for being a good neighbor. One year we found at our door a return gift on Christmas morning. This one year it was a candle, not a great smelling candle but it wasn’t the worst one ever. Then I saw the label. It was a candle from a business opening in the area who gave them away to develop customers–5 years prior. I had to laugh.

    Best present. December 17, 1995 the day Patrick was born.

  39. wow, lol. The year old note would’ve been the best. lol Actually it is because it gives you a great story to tell to your girlfriend on how awful your ex’s family was….something like that. The Sour Keys, I can’t get enough of that candy. lol maybe thats why i need to lose a few pounds. It’s good to know i’m not the only die-hard life long Raiders fan. I just miss the days when Bo Jackson was with them. They were an amazing team with him and Art Jackson. Atleast until the fateful game where he was running to the endzone and messed up his hip/leg. They haven’t been the same since(I really hate to say that).

  40. One year, for my birthday, my husband got me what we now lovingly call the “severed finger necklace.” I kid you not, that’s exactly what it looked like. Of course, it wasn’t actually severed fingers. It was chunks of red coral, but… they looked EXACTLY like the stumps of bloody, severed fingers. And I remember sitting there, holding it in my hand and thinking, “WTF???” I mean, I thought, okay, so… are we going to a costume party as… cannibals, and this is part of my costume?? A serial killer displaying her trophies?

    But no… he thought I’d like it. Because it was “arty” and … yeah, no. When he peeked around the door and said, “Do you like it?” I tried my damndest to pretend it was the coolest thing EVER, but I lasted all of ten seconds before I completely lost it and collapsed in a fit of hysterical laughter, because, OMG, my husband got me a BLOODY SEVERED FINGER NECKLACE!!!

    He still hasn’t lived that one down!!

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