Spirit poster

Watching The Spirit be like being trapped in elevator wit chatty, pompous – albeit well-dressed – douchebag suffering from explosive diarrhea.  For 90+ excruciating minutes. Forget waterboarding; dis film be worser cruel and inhuman punishment.  By de point where Samuel L. Jackson strut onto stage in gestapo Nazi regalia to deliver arch, long-winded speech, me already blubbering, broken monster ready to give up anyting to make it stop.

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Gabriel Macht’s most memorable role since he played part of Tal Weaver in Beverly Hills 90210

Movie open on cheesy voice-over delivered by De Spirit, a superhero trying very hard to do his best gravely-voiced Batman imitation.  He yammer on about his city as we be treated to silly stylized shots of him beating up muggers.  We learn everyting dat on his mind…becuz he tell us.  Constantly!  Throughout dis entire movie, we subjekted to his annoying voice-overs in which he tell us exaktly what he be tinking – even though it already be pretty obvious.  After a while, you want to shout at de screen: “We know all dis!  Shut de F up and get on wit de movie!”

Spirit arrive on scene of shooting.  He help cop pull detective out of lake.  Spirit point out: “He’s still breathing.”  Yeah, no kidding.  Guy be moving around and clearly conscious so chances are good he’s still breathing, you idiot.  Monster suspekt his heart beating too!  Why not point dat out as well?  Suddenly, dey ambushed by villain, de Octopus, who trow a big chunk of rock at Spirit’s head –  but not before yelling “Heads up!” so dat Spirit have ample warning.

De Spirit and Octopus face off in one of de stoopidest over-de-top mud fight sekwences in cinematic history complete wit giant wrenches, toilets, and big floppy hats.  Two tings be pretty obvious here: 1) both dese guys be indestruktible, and 2) Frank Miller should never be allowed to direkt another movie.  Octopus eskape wit help from his side kick, sexy Silken Floss and clone thugs.

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Dr. Octopus?

Shot detective die but Spirit recover locket he be clutching.  Turn out locket belong to Sans Serif (not to be confused wit de font), a girl he grew up wit and still loves.  How we know dis?  Becuz we treated to corny flashback.  AND de point hammered home by more pointless voice-over.  Spirit decide he have to find her.  We know dis becuz he tells us in another voice-over.  And becuz he aktually tries to find her.

Cut to Octopus’s sewer lair where he, dressed up as samurai and Silken dressed up as kimono for reasons known only to direktor, kill off clone thugs while offering expository info dump.  He be after a vase holding de blood of Heracles dat will make him immortal.  And Sans Serif holding de goods!

We introduced to more boring charakters: a detektive and his daughter, de Medical Examiner, who madly in love wit Spirit – even tho she not know his real name.  Monster’s money be on Boring McTedious.

San Serif drop in on creepy businessman and force him to commit suicide, leaving behind her calling card.  A “Z” like Zorro?  Nope.  A photocopy of her ass.

While Octopus back at his lab checking out a cloned hopping foot wit a tiny head on top (Monster not making dis up), Spirit track San Serif down to hotel room.  He surprize her and she get upset and accidentally push him too hard – and out window.  He get coat snagged on de way down and we treated to “hilarious” sekwence of him, wit his pants down around his ankles, trying to use his belt to snag a lifeline.

More inner monologue.  He somehow end up in sewers (Well, dat was easy!) where Silken walk up to him and injekt him wit drug, knocking him out.  Well, dat was even easier!

He wake up tied to chair in front of giant stage where sword-wielding belly-dancer sashay before him.  But she only de opening akt!  Next up, Octopus come out dressed as Nazi and give loooong speech, den order belly-dancer to kill Spirit.

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What de Fudgee-o going on here?

LUCKILY, Spirit happen to know belly dancer and, instead of killing him, she free him.  What are de chances?!  She help him eskape, den stick him wit sword becuz, apparently, it was a bad break up.

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Samuel L. Jackson furry cosplay.

Octopus orchestrate exchange wit San Serif.  But, before he can get vase, he double-cross her.  Why?  Why not just conklude de deal and take de vase he be desperately after dis entire movie?  Why risk everyting?  Why?  Becuz dat what de skript say of course!

Spirit arrive!  Den cops!  Shootout!  Vase broken and blood of Heracles spilled (Seriously, if it be dat important to you, why not just lick it off de ground?).  Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger – dat Silken take for safekeeping.  And possible cloning.

Spirit kiss Sans Serif goodbye and confirm his love for Medical Examiner.  Even tho she still not know his name.

Cue annoying ending voice-over monologue.

Verdikt: A ridikulous, pretentious, boring, annoyingly self-indulgent wankfest.  But pretty to look at!

Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

29 thoughts on “March 11, 2013: The Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes! Cookie Monster reviews The Spirit!

  1. Gabriel Macht is currently one of the leads in ‘The Suits’. Not a groundbraking show by any means but quite entertaining.

    The only good thing about ‘The Spirit’ was that it made me realise how much prettier Eva Mendez looked in black and white with the contrast turned all the way up to 11.

  2. Have you ever had that experience where you take some 3-day old leftovers out of the fridge and are undecided about whether they’re still safe to eat, then checking the look and the smell you decide they’re okay? You start eating them, and even though immediately something seems “off”, against your better judgement you continue. Only half way through the meal, when you finally can eat no more and the gastric distress sets in, do you realize the whole thing was really a bad idea.

    Well, that was me watching this movie. I’m sorry Cookie, I just couldn’t make it through all the way. I got just past the half way point and couldn’t take it anymore. And this coming from someone who watched the 1994 Fantastic Four all the way through.

    No amount of artsy film-noirishness can compensate for the drearily nonsensical plotting and dialogue of this movie. But, even the film noir look is so obvious and in-your-face that it distracts from anything else that is going on. I would say that it’s a perfect example of style over substance if it actually had any, you know, substance. It must have been exhausting to keep thinking up clever, artsy shots that would cover up the incoherence of everything else (not) going on.

    Some lines:

    “Toilets are always funny”. Not in this movie, they’re not.
    “What’s ten minutes in a man’s life?” Not much, while watching this movie. Or, alternatively, pure agony.

    Questions:
    How does the Spirit keep the bottom of his shoes so white?
    How does Octopus survive a crow bar spike to the top of the skull?
    Why did I watch this movie up to even the half way point, voluntarily?

    There’s actually a character actually called “Sans Serif”? Is that supposed to be humour? I presume the fact that she’s “got a thing for the bling” is supposed to be cleverly ironic (sans serif being a straightforward, unadorned font and all), instead of the mind-numbing nonsense that it actually is? Oh, it’s “Sand Saref” (Checked IMDB)! Perhaps I gave them too much credit – and I didn’t give them any.

    How is The Spirit a superhero? So far, he’s not even a hero. He does run around and jump a lot though, so there’s that. And as you note Cookie, dresses well.

    I don’t I would have given it three cookies. I take that back, maybe I would give it three moldy cookies that I found at the back of the fridge. Because this time, it can eat them.

  3. I must admit the I have not seen the bulk of Cookie Monster’s movies but they sound much like the ones I used to see for 65 cents at the Century Theatre in Ville Emard, Montreal, m-a-n-y years ago. The hero always wore a hat and never lost it; the bad guys wore black; the ladies wore light colours and the heroine (the one that the guy picked [how times have changed {somewhat}) wore white. Those were the days… 🙂

  4. @Joan001: It was on Netflix. Good thing too, because if I had actually paid to rent it, that would’ve been the unkindest cut of all.

    1. One day, I hope to get connected to a decent internet provider here in the country. Right now, I’m connected to Rogers mobile because we don’t have cable of any kind. We pay through the nose for just about everything. I really can’t do much of any streaming (forget Netflix…) without paying “out-of-the-ballpark” prices. Rogers is outrageous, and anything else has no speed – downloads freeze – the aggravation can result in acid reflux and ulcers… OY

  5. We are just a little west of Ottawa and off Hwy 7 – one of the main highways to Toronto and one of the main supporters of fast connections and lower internet prices for everyone else around. (You’re welcome :/)

  6. And yet I’m still looking forward to Sin City 2, FM and all. Poor Cookie, please have a Chip Ahoy on the rocks on my tab.

  7. Oh man this was a bad one. I think the only good thing about The Spirit (well, two things – Scarlet Johansson is the other one) is the tag line for the film that was around at the time – “My city screams” – it’s a nice evocative line.

    Sadly it was attached to /that/ film. Ick!

  8. “Spirit stick a grenade in Octopus and he explode. Nothing left of him but a finger…” Can I bet which finger it was…he,he,he…

  9. Sorry, not really ‘on’ the last couple days due to this cold or whatever, but I just wanted to say two things.

    Firstly, Joey, I wish you the best with your pups. It is so hard when they get old, or ill, and can’t tell us where it hurts or what’s wrong. My old kitty is struggling with issues, and I don’t have the finances to always be running to the vet. The vet says she’s old and there isn’t much we can do without going into a major expense, so we’ll keep her patched up as long as we can. She seems okay – eats and sleeps and purrs, but she’s lost weight – though that may be because little BOO!-fart chases her all over the place. 🙄

    And speaking of BOO!, the cat is seriously crazy. He’s funny as hell, so very playful, but he’s also quite destructive. The other day he threw up a load of colored string, and after a brief investigation I discovered that he ate 10 tassels off of a cotton throw covering a camel saddle (yeah, for some reason I have a real camel saddle…weird, eh?). He’s been acting fine, but I now realize what I’ve suspected about Captain Destructo (the good Baron’s distant cousin) is fact – he’s eating weird things and I need to get him to the vet for x-rays to make sure he doesn’t have a dozen coins in his gut, or something. Figures I’d get the pica cat. 😛

    Lastly, I know you dislike (Hate? Abhor? Detest? Loathe?) Michael Vick, but I think people have taken their feelings for the man to a whole new and disgusting level. I love animals and I was repulsed by what he did, but I also feel he’s paid the price for it and, more importantly, has learned from it and has moved on. Some people, it seems, have not. This was on the news tonight:

    Michael Vick has been promoting his autobiography, Finally Free, but now, due to violent threats, his appearances have been put on hold.

    His North Carolina based spokesperson, Chris Shigas, say the threats have been made on social media sites and phoned into the bookstores.

    In one Vick is told, “We should push your daughter into a pool with a battery.”

    “He’s obviously concerned about it. He’s concerned about it. You know, Mike is committed to working with the community, to talking with kids, to getting them to make positive decisions in their lives and he’s going to continue to do that,” Shigas said.

    Vick just completed one book signing in Charlotte, but cancelled appearances in Atlanta, North Jersey, and Exton.

    In another expletive filled threat, Vick was told, “When I see you, I’m going to bash your [expletive] head in.”

    The threats are nothing new for Vick who served time on dog fighting charges.

    Protests followed when he was signed by the Philadelphia Eagles.

    But his spokesperson says the threats dwindled as time went by and then got increasingly violent this past week.

    “We had an uptick in the number of threats that were made against Michael Vick, as well as his family. The threats were made against the bookstore property, as well as bookstore employees,” Shigas said.

    Vick’s spokesperson says authorities are investigating.

    http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/local&id=9023701

    Really people? REALLY? Yes, he killed dogs in a terrible way, but that doesn’t even begin to compare at all to threatening bookstores and their employees or the life of an innocent child. That’s like a pro-lifer killing an abortion doctor because he doesn’t believe in killing. I’m assuming that these are real threats and not some publicity stunt by the publishing company (which – if it is – would be equally reprehensible), and I don’t know if anyone would actually carry out such threats, but in today’s crazy world I wouldn’t put it past some idiot to at least try.

    People really need to learn to put things into perspective. Also, they need to get a life.

    das

  10. @ Joan001 – Thanks for the CRTC article. You are right about the big three service providers. Canadians are being treated like morons by these guys. I hope the CRTC clamps down on them, hard.

    Joe, can you explain why such terrible movies as the one described above get made in the first place? There are so many good writers around, and lots of productions trying to make a buck so they can get their films made, and many of them are wonderful. For example, Patrick Gilmore, our lovable Dr. Volker from Stargate Universe, is working to get his own aliens film into production. The trailer is here: http://cinecoup.com/alienabduction. People can register on the site and vote for his film to win 1 million. So, Joe, why are the good films going unfunded and the crap is being produced? I don’t get it.

  11. Not seen it but I guess that no amount of suspension of disbelief could save this one 🙂

    You do have to gain some credit for that elsewhere in the movie to excuse the other bits hehe

  12. I loved this movie! From the . . . ummmm . . . to the . . . errrrr. Bwahahahaha! OK, I can’t keep a straight face. This movie was shit. I sprayed cookie crumbs all over the living room when I saw Samuel L. Jackson dressed as a Nazi.

     ______
    
     ------
            \   ^__^
             \  (oo)\_______
                (__)\       )\/\
                    ||----w |
                    ||     ||
    

    (Did that work? Probably not!)

    All I can say is that if you were going to faithfully adapt a graphic novel to the big screen The Spirit is exactly what you would get . . . arty visuals and corny dialogue.

  13. Heh. It almost worked. The cow was supposed to be saying “WTF!” but it got stripped out.

  14. @Tam Dixon – thanks for the reading suggestion. I’ll look James Rollins up. I’ve run out of things to read and re-reading the Honor Harrington series and all my Matthew Reilly books for the nth time isn’t too appealing.

    Looking back at most of the superhero movies, I’d say there are only a handful that were over 5/10 chocolate chippee cookies. So few…

  15. I’m a Samuel Jackson fan but this movie didn’t look so good to me. Some of the comics don’t translate well to film. Is that because of the writing or the content?

    How is Bubba doing? Is losing his hearing the only symptom you’ve noticed? I hope all the pups are doing well today.

    Jovanna: I hope you like James Rollins. I’m eagerly awaiting his next Sigma Force novel. http://www.jamesrollins.com/books/sigma_series

  16. Just saw this too. They want to “take this channel called Space out of outer space and make it about the space around you…” WTF?

    Does this mean your scifi project is dead? If that’s the case, that really sucks.

  17. I finally broke down and went to the doctor (after coughing up what I believe was possibly part of my lung 😛 ). They sent me home with a z-pak. Then, on the news, RIGHT after I took my first two pills, there was a report on how z-pak may cause a dangerous irregular heartbeat in some people. Greeeeeat. Something new to worry about. (I’m actually feeling much better – just trying not to get pneumonia again.)

    das

  18. Joan001 said “…CRTC hearing in the Ottawa area… the arrogance of providers is mind-blowing.”

    I don’t have a cell phone, and I probably won’t get one. I think Canadians are being fleeced by the providers. We are paying absurdly high prices in comparison to the US. Complaints to the federal government, Liberal or Conservative fall on deaf or unsympathetic ears. Even though the government auctions off airspace to carriers at fire sale prices. Whatever happened to competition making cell phone rates more competitive? It seems to me it simply made them spend more money on advertizing.

    When I sent a letter to the Conservative held government complaining about cell phone rates and policies he sent me back (after six months) a nicely worded letter that basically said screw off little man, in a nice kinda way. A letter to my local MP resulted in a reply that basically said, that’s the way the system works. Well duh, why did he think I sent the letter?

    Canadians are habituated to paying top dollar for sub par service.
    As long as Canadians are willing to pony up, there’s unlikely to be any change. Why would they? The government doesn’t care, they don’t want to upset their election fund supply. And I’ve never gotten the idea that the conservative party or the Liberal party really cares about anything but gaining and keeping power.
    And the NDP frequently seems like a three ring circus with two missing rings.

  19. @ Ponytail – Thanks! My poor, innocent eyes didn’t catch that little embellishment! 😆

    das

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