Hunh. With all due respect to the doomsday sayers, this apocalypse has been vastly overrated. I don’t mean to complain but I put off my Christmas shopping figuring there would be no real point given the coming global catastrophe. And now here I find myself, still in one piece, but with a “to buy” list as long as line-ups outside the public bathrooms in Bugarach right about now. The tiny French town was expecting some 20 000
idiots apocaloptomists to flock to a local mountain where aliens are rumored to be living. The thinking, apparently, is that said aliens may have extra room on their space ships and might be amenable to offering lifts outside the Alpha Centauri cosmic limits when it all goes to hell.
Well, there’s still time to expect the worst – roughly three hours by my clock – so let’s take a moment and reflect back on our lives. Any regrets? None? Liar!!! If I had a time machine, I would certainly go back and offer my past self some sound advice:
1971: Take that entire box of comic books, put it in the garage, and forget about it for the next forty years.
1972: Never mind what mom says. The long hair ain’t cute.
1974: You and Christian Summer Camp. NOT a good mix. (P.S. As much as you love them and think it’s a terrific idea, DON’T order five ice cream sandwiches at tuck).
1975: Steer clear of that trampoline!
1978: What did I say about the hair?
1979: Your parents are wrong. Time spent on Dungeons and Dragons will pay off A LOT more than time wasted on any math or Canadian history class.
1982: Buy extra coca cola to go with that white rum.
1984: Savor this Raiders Super Bowl victory. The next one will be a long time coming.
1985: Attend you East Asian History class on a more regular basis. Notice your classmates sooner. Yes, that one.
1987: Don’t bother with that road trip to Quebec City.
1989: Seriously. She talks to her teddy bears. AND has them answer back. Get out now!!!
1995: Spend more time with Kennedy from sales.
1997: Take the year off to travel.
1998: In the unlikely event you didn’t follow the aforementioned advice, take it now.
1999: Don’t do it!
2008: Push the agenda sooner. Get that movie in the can early because…you never know.
2009: Don’t put off until four years from now what you can do today.
2011: Take the year off. Relax. Travel. Maybe freelance from home. If nothing else, be less accommodating.
That’s it off the top of my head. I’m sure more will come to mind. Luckily for everyone, I hear that, depending on the translation of the Mayan texts, doomsday was actually today – or Sunday the 23rd.
Yes, of course! That’s what everyone meant.
Apocalypse later then.