From direktor of Kickboxer 4: De Aggressor and Nemesis III: Prey Harder and producer of Breakin’ 2: Elektrik Boogaloo and Super IV: Quest for Peace (uh oh) come Captain America, de greatest American hero since Superman. Oh, and de Greatest American Hero.
Movie start in pre-WWII Italy. Mussolini interrupt boy’s piano lesson. Boy forced to watch as family killed, den kidnapped, den experimented on. Terruble ting to happen. But still better den piano lesson.
He taken to sekret lab where Dr. Vasilivilivich turn him into superhuman monster dat look like a creepy red skull. So, dey call him…
Red Rupert!
Only somebody in Hitler entourage already called Rupert and dis lead to confusion, so dey call him Red Skull instead.
Red Skull become greatest Nazi villain in history! Even tho, for some reazon, he Italian in dis movie. But even tho he Italian, he not really sound Italian. Sort of Cuban but not quite. He sound….well, aktually, he sound like dis guy:
Anyway, Dr. Vasinovalich have second thoughtz and jump out window. Den run all de way to America where she defekt. With her help, America create its own supersoldier: Captain America (aka Steve Rogers)! Hurray! But den nazi spy ruin festive mood by killing Dr. Visinvichelli. Boo! Buzzkill!
Captain America have to stop nazis from launching rocket at White House. He sent behind enemy lines – wearing bright blue costume. Fortunately, he also given camouflage suit – dat he immediately take off after he parashoot down.
Of course, he captured – and strapped to rocket. Before he take off, he pull de olde “C’mere. I want to tell you someting” and Red Skull fall for it. Captain America grab him. So heroic! Red Skull panic! Quick! What de first ting you do if someone grab your hand and try to take you on a rocket ride? Dat right! You cut off YOUR OWN hand! Hmmmm. And dis guy suppose to be Nazi genius?
Rocket fly all de way to America but, just in nick of time, Captain America kick it off course and it land in Alaska instead. Luckily Germans only had de one rocket. Young boy takes pickture of rocket flying by and shows it to friend. Boy grows up to be prezident. Friend grows up to be newspaper reporter. Captain Amerika not grow up – just stay frozen in ice until…
Diskovered! He break out of ice and run away! It make de newz!
New-look Red Skull send bunch of bad guyz to track him down. Not be outdone, prezident sends…his friend de reporter.
Captain America walk to Canada and – what a considents! – get picked up by reporter driving by. But Cap not trust him and so, pull de olde: “Let’s get out of de car so I can run back in and drive away”. So heroic!
Captain Amerika walk around Santa Monica. Some kidz from Twisted Sister video ask him for change. He scared by sight of woman in thong and run away. So heroic!
Cap go to find his old love. And she is. Really old. But perfekt skin. He tell her “Oh, well. Not meant to be.” (subtekst: Your daughter, Sharon, be veeeery hot! She seeing anyone?”).
Red Skull’s daughter show up and kill reporter and old love. Cap angry. He team up with Sharon. Dey locate Dr. Villisenovich diary and find out true identity of Red Skull! Captain America fight bad guyz and throw unarmed man down elevator shaft. So heroic!
Oh, and U.S. Prezident kidnapped by Red Skull!
Travel to Rome. Captain American pull de olde: “Hey, Sharon, get out of de car so I can drive away!”. So heroic! But Sharon catch up with him. Cap ask Italian woman: “You speak English?” She shake her head no. So he start speaking to her in English anyway. Until Sharon start to speak Italian. “Oh, you looking for crazy villain hideout? Go down street, five blocks, den turn right. It ominous castle on your left. You can’t miss it!”
Sharon captured (becuz she girl and saving Prezident not good enough for our hero). But Prezident escape. Nobody notice until dey unlock door and walk right inside cell – even tho dey can see it empty from de outside. Prezident chased onto roof. Red Skull planning to mind control him so he commit suicide by jumping. BUT –
He caught and saved by Captain America who just happen to be climbing up dat side of fortress at dat exakt moment. What perfekt timing! Perfektly lame timing!
Cap and Prezident team up! Sharon fight Red Skull’s daughter! Red Skull have bomb! But Captain Amerika have tape recording of Red Skull childhood piano lesson. Bring back bad memories for Red Skull. Cap throw shield, knock Red Skull into water, and dekapitate Red Skull daughter. So heroic!
Dis movie brought to you by de Environmental Protection Act of 1990.
Verdikt: Dis movie so lame, monster aktually feel sorry for people who made it.
Rating: 1 chocolate chippee pity cookie and one snickerdoodle loaded wit red, white and blue M&M’s.
Pleaze diskuss.
Next week:
Yes, I have to say Captain America was quite corny. Cudos to Cookie Monster. And you’ve got an interesting one for next week. I was in grad school when the Rocketeer came out.
Have a great afternoon!!!!!
Such an early post! Someone must have a hot date tonight. 😉
I’m still at work so I’ll have to read this over dinner, but while I’m thinking about it I’ve been meaning to tell you that that after reading several reviews, Mr. Das is now talking like Cookie Monster. THANKS a lot. 😛
das
I tried to watch it. I must’ve got distracted by something more interesting like an egg and ham bake recipe or lint on my shirt.
Alas, didn’t get to watch this winner. Term paper takes precedence.
But Das reminded me of something funny. My bf and I are slowly working our way through my SG-1 DVDs. He’s seen a few isolated SG-1s in the past, but never really got into it, so this is me getting him hooked on one of my faves (while he gets me hooked on Buffy, a show I never watched until I met him).
Anyway, we recently started Season 4. And the first time he noticed “Joseph Mallozzi” in the opening credits, he said, “Hey! It’s that foodie guy!”
I always wished they’d made a sequel to the Rocketeer.
Oh, wait, we’re supposed to be discussing Captain America. Erm…when you get to the most recent version, I’ll join in…
So, I’m gone for a week and when I finally come back to the blog, I get Captain America? Cookie hates me, right?
A quick summary: we were given a free stay at a resort in Vermont. Very nice, but off season. Lovely state, friendly people. I gorked out on everything maple. Ben and Jerry’s ice cream factory has flavors only sold in their scoop shops; we tried apple cider donuts, and local cheeses, and Lake Champlain chocolates (meh, I still prefer See’s). We made the trip to the Maine coast, got a lobster roll (good one too), and checked off visiting all 50 states. Used the resort tourbus to go up to Montreal, so now hubby and I have been to Canada. A brief visit, and I wasn’t in walking shape (insert gory middle aged lady post-surgical details HERE)… so no macarons to be found, but we did eat some nummy crepes. Lot of cool churches, too many smokers and not enough time to hit the art museum or the Star Wars exhibit. But we didn’t have to deal with parking, which looked impossible.
Yay! 3000 on the way!
Happy Birthday, dear Akemi.
Most of my cringeworthy moments involve stuff I would never post online. They make great drinking tales though.
Stuff I hate… smokers who drop their butts on the ground, and people who purposefully litter. You have a pocket, use it. The world is not your ashtray.
Dirty diapers in parking lots. What? You can’t put that in the trash can three feet away?
People who absolutely must crowd in front of others while waiting to board coach. Really? We all have assigned seats, it isn’t like you get a treat for being an impatient asshat.
I’m married to a natural handyman. We bought our house from undecidedly un-handy men. Beautifully decorated, but every faucet leaked, every cabinet door had loose screws.
Hubby wants our next vacation to be a week at home to do chores. I’m sorry, honey, you’ll have to suffer through the trips I’ve already booked. If we miss out on Burning Man tickets next year, we can go home. Although he’s intrigued by tales of food carts in Vancouver and the idea of all the provinces of Canada. Hehehe. I bet he could do most of your household repairs in a single day. He’s a freaking whirlwind when he gets going. Just feed him.
So my laptop died. It had a super viral infection that the anti-virus didn’t pick up… but its been to the computer doctor and been cured. No need to worry now. As a result tho, I have a new monster thingy. Red is good, I guess. The green monster before looked a bit too much like a blob of snot for my liking.
Nope. back to the green one. guess wordpress random monster chooser program wasn’t fooled. oh well.
Oh man! Why am I subjecting myself to these movies?
I have not seen the modern version of Captain America and not having read the comic this is my first exposure to the Captain America universe.
A lot of people comment about the costume and how out of place or silly it is. In the movie they even make fun of it, saying that Dr Vaseline didn’t know much about camouflage. They also mention that the costume is fire proof and yet I don’t recall its fire retarding properties being put to the test in the movie. Pity, because it would have been good to see CA actually use his powers to rescue some babies from a burning building rather than just rushing to check in with his old girlfriend. Personally, I don’t have much of a problem with the costume. It’s no worse than Superman’s. It’s the fact that he’s supposed to be a super soldier so why isn’t he dressed as a soldier that encourages the criticism.
I do have a problem with the shield, though. Is that just the lamest super weapon or what? I’d love to see a Captain Australia superhero whose super weapon would be a boomerang. It makes much more sense than frisbeeing a shield all over the place!
Even though it’s a product of its time, I find that, as a product of the military industrial complex, the character of Captain America is less appealing than the likes of Superman and Batman. Superman, the inscrutable and indestructible alien. Batman, the tortured vigilante. Two sides of the same coin. But CA doesn’t seem to fit (at least in this movie).
His emergence from the ice in Alaska and subsequent discovery that it’s 50 years later is quite amusing. Particularly when he sees the radio made in Japan and the car made in West Germany. I would have liked to see CA act a bit more as if he thought the Axis countries had won the war and be a lot more suspicious of the Americans he meets.
As Cookie mentions, the coincidences in this movie are hard to swallow. Coincidence is the oil that lubricates the gears of story. Without coincidence the time travelling kid wouldn’t bump into his dad in the soda shop and result in his parents never falling in love, the woman’s dream man wouldn’t turn out to be the brother of the man she initially lusts after and our hero’s old girlfriend wouldn’t have a hot daughter that he can take as his new girlfriend. But the fact that a kid sees CA flying past on a rocket then 50 years later becomes president and sends his best friend out to find CA (rather than using the vast resources he has at his disposal) and out of all of Alaska and Canada to choose from he happens to be driving along at the exact moment that CA is discovered and chased by the baddies who also chose that exact place and time to go looking for him. What the hell? How did that idea ever make it into the script?
And don’t get me started on the clichés! Black Porche car chase through the Italian hills – Check! Castle rooftop showdown – Check! Ineffectual henchmen that attack one at a time – Check! Sexy heroine fights sexy baddie – Check! Countdown to oblivion – Check! The only thing missing was the wacky sidekick!
So, yes, Captain America sucked balls. It wasn’t quite “poke out my eyeballs” bad like Superman IV – The Quest For A Decent Script and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but it still wasn’t good.
Now, The Rocketeer . . . I saw this in the cinema and remember almost nothing about it. Everything in the trailer seems familiar and yet I remember nothing. This does not bode well!
“This soldier represents all that America stands for!” – which I guess is bad superhero movies, then?
There’s just so much to comment about with this movie. Like many of these movies, there’s a kernel of a good idea in here and with better execution, it could have been at least… well, not awful. I even wondered at points whether if they pushed it a little further if it could have been a decent, if silly, comedy. But alas, these movies always seem to be filled with “if onlys”. It’s like saying if only it wasn’t for the cheesy dialogue, the wooden acting, the bad edits, crappy music and effects and absolutely dismal overall production values, it could have been good!
One of the earlier things I noticed was when Cap’n was departing for his “mission” from home, each scene seemed to recorded at a different time of day (which it probably was). First it was almost dark, then it looked like the middle of the day in the wide-angle scenes. Then, it was was kind of dark, then dark, then light again! Sheesh, if they can’t even get these details right, what’s the hope for the rest of the movie? None, it turns out!
Some specific gripes:
Why is it that the kid was out taking pictures of the White House, alone and in the pitch dark? Weird. Where were his parents? Also, how the heck did he see all that stuff that Cap’n A did to steer the missile away, not to mention the details of the costume? Also, was he not the least bit concerned that the missile appeared to be, you know, aimed RIGHT AT HIS HEAD?
The “pull over the car, I’m going to be sick” bit was so cheesy and overplayed, it could have been mildly funny the first time (if it sadly wasn’t meant to actually be serious), but they used it TWICE! Although when he said the second time, “Pull over I’m going to be sick”, I did say to the screen, “me too!”
If super strength is supposed to be one of his main (and apparently only) super attributes, during the car/motorcycle chase in Italy why didn’t he just turn around and just beat the crap out of the pursuers? Oh yeah, because he’s a lame superhero.
Did his old girlfriend know about the Captain America program? I thought she was in the dark about that. If so, why was she not surprised that he didn’t age a day in 50 years? (Maybe I missed where he told her.) And was she not a bit disturbed that now he appeared to be dating her daughter. Creepy!
The president was sure abducted easily. I suppose the Secret Service were busy at the local bordello.
Well, it seems Senator Kinsey did make it to president in this dull, crappy timeline.
Anyway, to pick out all the examples of craptasticness (craptasticity?) of this movie would take longer than the movie itself, so I guess I’ll end it there. It’s yet another one that makes me wonder why someone, somewhere during its production didn’t say “are we sure we’re doing this right?” I suppose they all just wanted to get the Hell out of there and get their pay for the day.
To paraphrase Bart Simpson, “this movie achieved the physically impossible, it both sucks AND blows.”
Hi Joseph, I just finished my re-watch of SGU on netflix and the one thing that is bothering me more than anything is, was the plan to leave Lisa Park blind or was she going to get better? I’ll be honest I was one of the people that despised SGU until its bitter end, but now looking back on season 2 its actually one of the better series on syfy, which is probably why Stargate Universe season 3 is still in the top 5 list when searching Stargate on google. 😛
Hey Joe I have a question for you.
Recently I have been reading the Stargate novels. Should I consider those cannon? I tend to find continuity errors in them, and they are obviously written by other authors.
To borrow from Star Wars should there be a TV show cannon, an EU cannon, etc. or should I believe them as much as I believe Infinity?
Excellent review, Mr. Monster! 😆
However, I have a question for Mr. Mallozzi…
Joe, when watching movies based on comics that you know and love, do you get your fanboy knickers in a bunch when they deviate from established canon or character mythos, or do you just accept it as an alternative telling of the story?
das
Can we get a clarification on what makes a movie a “Superhero Movie”? Like why did we watch the Punisher? And why the Rocketeer? Neither of these guys has superhuman powers. Admittedly, neither does Batman, but I can understand him being considered a superhero, since he rushes in where no one else would, to fight whatever baddies are out there. His “superpower” is a super-heightened sense of do-gooderiness. (I’m sure that’s a word.) But the Rocketeer guy does not rush in to save random strangers from random bad guys; he just fights the specific baddies in this particular plotline, because they want to get their hands on HIS rocket. Was the original comic character more like a Batman type, who actively sought out nefarious goings-on and battled against them? And was that also the case with the comic book version of the Punisher?
Never seen this movie but can’t wait until next weeks! I love that movie saw it in the cinema and have it on DVD….
Kriss 🙂
Cookie really deserves a medal or a lifetime supply of cookies for the above and beyond work he does with these reviews. I actually saw the Rocketeer, so maybe I can weigh in on that one. You Rock Cookie!! Keep up the entertaining reviews, better than a Siskel and Ebert! 8)
I didn’t even realise that this film had been made. Seems it’s best forgotten anyhow. I still haven’t seen the newer Avengers Cap America film yet either.
@das: “Fanboy knickers” — now there is an image.
@cookie monster: another very entertaining review. Thanks.
Gotta get back to baking my biscotti now. Two kinds: zebra (vanilla drizzled with white and dark chocolate) and almond. Dang. I just remembered that I’m out of white chocolate. *sigh* another trip to the store.
I just heard that Jonathan Frid passed away. Well, he wasn’t a superhero, but he is responsible for my interest in classic horror literature – starting, of course, with Dracula. He played the very elegant and sexy vampire on the gothic horror soap opera Dark Shadows. Johnny Depp is playing his character in the movie (spoof) version coming out on May 11th. Natsukashii.
@ Sparrowhawk – Yeah, Frid passed away last week or so. Sad, but he did live a good, long life. Outside of Bela Lugosi and Christopher Lee vampire flicks, the only other one I really loved was Frid in Dark Shadows. That was a my dirty little secret as a kid (mom wouldn’t let us watch it, so we had to sneak and catch it when she wasn’t looking 😈 ). Not sure about this new one – it looks funny, and I love Depp and Burton, but I’m really hating vampires right now.
RE: Fanboy knickers. I’m pretty sure when Joey isn’t sportin’ string bikini or thong undies (based on the swimsuits Italians from Canada wear around here), he’s struttin’ his stuff in Spider-Man Underoos. 🙂
das
G’day Joe
ANZAC Day
Lest We Forget
Monster, Brilliant points all. I cannot say I enjoyed the movie, but I did see it through. I wish I had see the most recent one to compare story line. It seemed this version had something. I did begin to think the writer of SG1 paid a bit homage to it though: Body buried in ice for a long time comes to life after being found by scientist, Ronney Cox as President but without the scotch sippy cup, diabolical mutant bent on ruling earth to name a few. I was impressed on the casting of women, very nice. You, now the budget is a bit thin when they use actors in multiple roles. But a little make-up and a hair color, who is to say.