Blargh! Supergirl most nauzeating movie since Big Bird sex tape released online. It so bad it aktually make monster miss Condorman. It was so terruble dat aktor Christopher Reeve refuse to do cameo. And he do Superman II AND III!
Movie start on Argos City where survivors of Kripton walk around in wishy washy dresses and space sweaters. Wait! What?! But Kripton explode in Superman I! Yes, BUT only mostly explode.
Argos City doing a-okay – until inventor/leader/idiot, Zoltar, “borrow” city power source (de omegahaedron) for experiment wit orange tingie dat look like Grover booty rooter. He give dem both to girl called Kara who, it turn out (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!) is cuzin of Superman! She use it to create dragonfly (?) dat fly away, right thru Argos City protektive force shield dat turn out to be made of flimsy plastik. And megahaedron fly out after it. Oh, and witout power source, now everyone on Argos City will suffokate to death. Oopsy.
Kara get into space egg and follow megahaedron (Space egg and megahaedron going de same way – WHAT A COINSIDENTS!). Megahaedron land on Earth (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!) in cheese dip of pikniking witch Selena. For real. Space egg land in lake and Supergirl fly out of water. She have power of flight and staying perfektly dry. Oh, and for some reason, she NOW wearing Supergirl outfit even tho she not wearing it when she left Argos City.
So what a girl to do when her people dying of slow suffokation? Why join private girl skool of course! But first, she almost seksually assalted by two stoopid truckers. “Why are you doing dis?”she ask dem. One answer: “It’s just the way we are…” Written.
She disguize herself as human girl (she also have power to change clothez and hair color by walking behind treez) and change her name to Linda (becuz Kara too suspishus?). She end up at skool where roomate turn out to be Lucy Lane, Lois Lane cuzin (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!), and math teacher turn out to be boyfriend of Selena and sometime warlok (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!). Small world. Small contrived lazy-written world!
Meanwile, Selena go back home where she live wit raspy-voice other woman me tink is her girlfriend until she fall in love with skool gardener and give him love poshun. But he very dizzy and wander into town, so she send front loader to bring him back. Supergirl save de dey.
For some reazon, megahaedron power source give Selena magik powerz and she attak Supergirl wit invisuble monster. Den, attak hunky gardner wit bumper cars. Den she make giant mountain appear on edge of town wit castle up on top. Leks Luthor she aint. Supergirl show up at castle and bet sent to phantom zone. Somehow.
In Phantom Zone, Supergirl run into Zoltak who now redoosed to drinking out of squirt bottle. She need to escape Phantom Zone. He say impossible. She say she really want to leave. He say IMPOSSIBLE. She say she really, really want to leave. He say IMPOSSI – okay, just climb up side of dis cliff and off you go. Den he die. Monster tink.
Supergirl show up back at castle where Selena have Lucy Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and hobo math teacher in giant bird cages. Selena use magik to make brick wall and statue almost fall on Supergirl. Den she make floor all shakey-shakey and Supergirl have to crawl and almost fall – even tho SHE CAN FLY!!! Me guess she forgot.
Smoke monster appear. It stretch Supergirl and do someting else. Not sure what, but it ook like it give her bad poopy cramps. Supergirl use superspeed to scoop up Selena and raspy sidekick and trap dem in broken mirror. Da end!
Dis movie not bode well for other female superhero filmz like Elektra, Catwoman, and Iron Lady.
Verdikt: Monster very mad at a lot of people after watch dis piece of crap. Mad at people who made it. Mad at Joe for make me watch. But espeshully mad at Amnesty Intermashanul dat waste all dis time trying to outlaw waterboarding when dis movie much more crule and unuzual torture!
Rating: No chocolate chippee cookies and one kick in de grapes.
P.S. Check out trailer for next week’s kick in de greapes supermovie of the week, Superman IV:
Okay, maybe it’s the Nyquil talking (actually, no maybe about it), but I kinda thought Supergirl was better than Superman III. Not that that’s a high bar, mind you, but still. It did seem to at least have some kind of story behind it, crappy though it may be.
Of course, loved the review Cookie, and you covered most of my thoughts already. I immediately thought the same thing about A&W and the would-be molesters – Is that really the connection that the advertiser wanted?? Also, wasn’t that was Matt Frewer of Max Headroom fame?
I never really could figure out how this Argos city came to be – was it supposed to be in another dimension and/or some kind of colony, or was it a “piece” of Krypton that survived? That whole idea just didn’t make sense to me, not to mention the whole “this is the sole power source of our entire colony that I just happen to have stuffed in my pants” bit. (Although, I immediately thought “ZPM” when he was describing it.)
It was interesting to see what their concept of the “Phantom Zone” was, even if it was WAY too convenient to get out. I guess the reason he didn’t was because he didn’t want to risk getting sucked into the quantum singularity, or whatever he called it. I dunno – seems like it would be worth the risk to me.
I thought Faye Dunaway did a pretty good job with the material she had, overacting as cheesily as she could muster. Too bad she didn’t have better writing to work with. Helen Slater wasn’t that bad either (and darned cute!), and she was certainly earnest enough, but again the writing and the whole story was a let down.
All that said, I didn’t feel actually insulted the way I did from watching Superman III so that’s a bonus, I guess. I’m not surprised though that Lucy Lane’s last line was “Supergirl, we’ve never even HEARD of you.” Based on the movie’s box office receipts, it’s a sentiment shared by most.
Sorry cookie monster for not joining in sooner. I only recently got back my internet connection. I am reminded of a scene in a M.A.S.H. episode when HotLips looses her wedding ring. The boys go to the local merchant and ask to have an inscription put on the ring. His reply to the short poem, “Pee-u.” I was not sure what was in the mind of the art department. The City in “inner space” was a combination of Logan’s Run and Some winter fantasy. I was better special opening effects from NBC’s Sunday night mysteries for McMillan and Wife COLUMBO and McCLOUD. I guess I understand why they tried to rush though the opening credits so you could forget about then in the end.
Nice Review Cookie, you pointed out much of what I saw so I guess I was not sleeping. I know there are usually holes in story lines, but if it written well, it can hold it together. This was more like swiss cheese. There are those who know acting and those who know how to act. Peter O’Toole must have had need for a paycheck. He was the little bright spot in the opening scene. I guess she was to afraid to mover her arms.
Perhaps the egg ship was stolen from Mork and Mindy. Cookie I notice the costume change after splash down too. But what happened then with her flying and turning reminded me of some sort of soft porn.
What was A&W thinking? That scene made me wince.
Oh then we go to an all girls private school (Ideas for a spinoff right there). I guess the costume is complete with the hair color change. She did not have time to go see the optometrist for a pair of glasses.
Soon after the party I thought it a good idea to go to my favorite but and have a pint of Guinness for courage or 2 or 3. Guess I never got back to the movie but happy to hear Supergirl saved the day. How is that Argos City doing, still missing its power source?
Why do the super hero movies have to be so bad? Why couldn’t they just write a good story and film that?
The Superman IV trailer doesn’t look too bad. It seems to be about something.
LOL…Faye Dunaway was doing her best Mommy Dearest – Joan Crawford impressions.
Cookie Monster is the bravest movie critic we know!
Oof. This was bad. With a capital B. Like Super Bad, even. Super bad music (Jerry Goldsmith doing a crap job of phoning it in). Super bad special effects: the Phantom Zone maelstrom; the Supergirl-getting-stretched-by-evil-demon-from-Ghostbusters scene. Super bad plot…
There were tiny little parts I liked, all of which happened at the girls’ school. But why the hell was she at the school in the first place, when the SOLE POWER SOURCE of her town (planetoid? dimension? wtf was that place, anyway?) needed tracking down?
And what the fuck was Faye Dunaway after? And why the fuck did her whole plan depend on first getting a cheesy gardener to fall in love with her? Aaaaarrrrrrgh!!!!! So ludicrous!!!!
I have more to say (vent) on this, but have to go ice skating now. So…. To Be Continued.
If Cookie monster wrote a Stargate script, what would it be about? 🙂
Lots of great pics for the upcoming Dr.Who episode #3:
http://blastr.com/2012/03/get-a-better-look-at-whos.php
This is the episode that Ben Browder will be in. No pics of him yet though.
Too bad Karen Gillan will be leaving. She is the best companion.
Just goes to show you the kind of week I’ve had. I didnt even realize this movie was up for review. I owe Cookie Monster one huge box of treats for taking on this dread duty so faithfully. Despite my upcoming week of fun filled activities, I will find time to squeeze in yet another ( barf) Superman movie. I really really really hope we’re about through with these, and able to move onto something that is at least FUN bad, instead of bad bad.
My apologies for missing out on the viewing, and thanks again for the good work.
what gets me is somewhere, at sometime the writer had to go pitch this to the producer AND that the producer said “God that sounds excellent! I have to make this! I’m on board!”
Stiff and contrived, with laughable dialogue. I hope Faye Dunaway and Peter O’Toole got paid well.
:>
The Quest for peace:
Summary:
BOOOOM BADOM BOOOOM; WOOOOOAAAAR SHROUUUUUU BOOOOOM….
Did I miss something?? 😀
Birdy
Ps: Thanks for the awesome review, Monster!
Ahhhhhhh, Supergirl. Ahhhhhhh, Helen Slater. Let’s just pause for a bit to think about Helen Slater dressed in a Supergirl costume.
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Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Sorry about that! Where was I?
Oh yes! Supergirl. Helen.
What’s wrong with you Cookie? This is a great film. Certainly an improvement on the Superman crud that came before it.
The movie seems to be kinda true to the comic book story (with a generous helping of artistic license where necessary.) Argo City survives the explosion of Krypton as a chunk of rock floating through space. Before it is destroyed Kara’s parents send her to Earth to be raised by her cousin, Superman. They make a costume for her so Superman can recognise her.
As for her hiding in a school instead of looking for the Omegahedron, the thing was that she could only track the Omegahedron while it wasn’t in the lead gargoyle box thing. The lead stopped Kara from being able to track it. So she needed to go undercover while she hunted it down. OK, so ending up with Lucy Lane as a roomie is a bit coincidental but, hey, this is based on a comic that is just one coincidence after another!
My highlights from the film:
Helen Slater in a Supergirl costume (Have I mentioned this?)
An actual villainous villain. Selena might have been distracted by the stupid gardener-love-potion thing but she did rule Hicksville, USA with an iron fist and she was planning on taking over the world in the same way. She was actually quite a nasty person.
A much reduced nyuk nyuk count. There was still some over the top hamming but it was generally slapstick free.
I like the magic angle. Magic is one of the few things that can actually hurt someone from Krypton. It was just a shame it was never really used directly on Kara apart from sending her to the Phantom Zone. The magic was mostly used to influence physical objects to hurt Kara which wouldn’t work. I suppose it’s possible that magic was used to stop her from flying away when the paving slabs started moving around but that’s a stretch.
Helen Slater . . . Supergirl costume
My lowlights from the film:
The whole gardener-love-potion thing. WTF? And taking a love potion suddenly makes an uneducated gardener able to recite Shakespeare’s sonnets?
The Phantom Zone stuff. I think they had to write in that squirty bottle thing to try to explain the fact that Peter O’Toole was probably totally blotto for most of the filming.
Selena’s sidekick. Producer: “Selena is a bit too dark. We need to lighten it up a bit.” Writer: “I know! Lets give her a wisecracking sidekick!”
Anyway, while Supergirl is by no means a perfect film it’s not as bad as people make it out to be. Suspend your disbelief and enjoy a couple of hours of light entertainment.
Oh, and last, but certainly not least, Helen Slater in a Supergirl costume!!!! *swoon*
See this is why I don’t subject myself to these movies… Cookie’s review and all of the above comments seem to be WAY more entertaining then the movie ever would be!!
Awesome job everyone!!
Maybe when I have loads of free time on my hands I will watch the movies you all have been brave enough to watch.
@ Randomness
I have a theory. It would be about SG1 discovering a Cookiemonster species on another planet that tries to take over homeworld command after learning about the fact that there a hundreds, even thousands of cookie factories on earth. But SG1 finds out about the monsters weaknesses at the last minute and defeats them through setting up a giant subwoover (obviously Carter’s idea) that plays the Superman I theme over and over again. The surviving cookie monsters voluntarily decide to get hell out.
Mystery solved.
Oh, I forgot to mention . . . Lucy Lane says “Shit”! Swearing in a Superman/girl film! Awesome!
Is Cookie Monster mad at me for not sharing the pain of Supergirl?
——–
@Gina – I’m thinking the “premise” stage of these movies goes something like
“Superman!”/”I know what that is. Let’s get Marlon Brando. It’s so fool-proof, let’s make Superman II at the same time.”
“Superman III!”/”No!” *shops around until someone says “whatev, it’s Superman”*
“Superman IV!”/”No!”/”Supergirl?”/”whatev”
“Superman IV!”/”That has to be better than Supergirl.”
—
I don’t wanna’ even guess what the writing stage is like. My dreams have better narratives if I eat fried chicken too late at night.
No, probably the same narrative. “I gotta’ fix something, why am I wasting my time in school?”, a castle appearing at the edge of town, getting trapped in a mirror…all this stuff sounds exactly like a fried chicken dream.
Aw, poor Cookie! Supe versus the nukes still sounds better than Supergirl, which was an HBO staple for me back in the day. Cookie needs to cleanse his palate with a little Prometheus, Thor or Capn America before taking on another Superverse film. I still crush on Christopher Reeves, but a lot of that has to do with Somewhere in Time, sniff!
Daylight savings is bringing me low, can’t stop yawning.
Am I the only getting a bit lost in these reviews? I’d love to partake in this but the reviews themselves are so difficult to read/comprehend!
@Shiny – The Somewhere in Time Soundtrack was our wedding music. 🙂
Another fried chicken dream similarity…being able to fly, just not when it counts.
Cookie, we appreciate your willingness to throw yourself (figuratively) on yet another bomb of a movie!
Are we almost to the end of the “Super” series? Pleeeaaassse!
And now, Part II of my vent…
I had a real problem with the stuff in Argos City. I was vaguely aware of a crapload of exposition being crammed into the dialogue there (something about how Earth is in Outer Space, but Argos City exists in Inner Space, which I don’t believe, because Innerspace was a much better film than Supergirl), but all the expo was coming so fast and furious that I couldn’t keep up with it. I almost stopped it and rewound, but then that would be cheating. People in theaters never had that opportunity. So I soldiered on through the fog. Then the idea that the city is protected by a mere layer of Cling Wrap so flimsy that even a toy dragonfly can bust through made start hatin’ on Argos City. Thankfully, we weren’t there long, because stupid Kara decides to get into Zoltar’s never-before-tried egg capsule that she doesn’t know how to pilot, in order to go after the city’s ZPM that she feels guilty for losing — as well she should, because it was her stupid dragonfly toy, animated by the ZPM, that broke through the Cling Wrap outer wall. And for those wondering where Kara gets the costume, it was already in the egg thingy when she climbed into it. You can see it lying on the floor of the egg capsule when it’s still on the launch platform. It must conform to whoever is occupying the capsule. If Zoltar had been piloting, it probably would’ve dressed him as a copy of Superman.
But speaking of outfit-changing, how did Kara get ahold of a Midvale private school uniform to do her behind-the-tree quick change? It was depicted as if she just saw the uniform, made a mental note of its components, and then magically created it out of nothing. Huh? Now people from Krypton have magic ability, as well as super strength, and the ability to fly, and super speed, and x-ray vision, and super breath, and heat vision, and forgetfulness kissing, and the ability to flip upside down in the air without their skirts also flipping upside down to reveal their underoos (another of Supergirl’s powers in this film)?
I, too, noted the less-than-flattering A & W product placement. They also had an A & W pop machine at the girls’ school, but it’s the one that was destroyed when the invisible monster threw Supergirl into it. (Even though there’s another pop machine right next to the A & W one that could have been the target of destruction instead.) You’d think after the A & W T-shirt on the would-be rapist trucker and the destruction of the pop machine, one of the students at the school would be overheard saying, “Aw gee, the A & W machine is busted! That really bites!” But maybe the A & W rep pissed off the person in charge of product placement on the film.
Even after a day to absorb it, and after reading Line Noise’s spirited defense of Selena as villain, I still don’t get Selena’s plan. She spends the vast majority of the film trying every trick in her bag to get a hapless gardener to fall in love with her, even though several times it’s mentioned that a love potion would only work for one day. She says that somehow this will lead to others loving her (and presumably serving her every villainous whim), but there’s no clear pathway illuminated between getting the gardener to fall for her and getting everyone else to. Then when the gardener falls for Linda instead, she spends another huge chunk of time going after Linda instead of furthering her own world domination plans. She doesn’t even know that Linda is Supergirl! There’s no reason to go after this nobody of a high school kid, other than to provide a convenient excuse to have Supergirl battle whatever Selena sends to attack Linda. They even have the Bianca character right there, over Selena’s shoulder, spelling out in detail how idiotic Selena’s actions against Linda are. So is Selena just supposed to be totally insane? That doesn’t make for a very interesting villain.
But it does make for interesting sets. Only an insane person would turn a decrepit carnival ride into a house. Which, apparently, the Jehovah’s Witnesses have no trouble soliciting: “If that’s the goddamned Jehovah’s Witnesses again….” was perhaps the best line in the movie. And the evil lair on top of the instant mountain had windows designed by Frank Lloyd Wright! This insane villain at least has a sense of architectural whimsy.
But why would you choose Hicksville, Illinois as the site for your instant mountain with the evil lair on top? I mean, Selena lives on the outskirts of Chicago, right? Why isn’t the mountain on the Miracle Mile? Or on the shores of Lake Michigan? Or, hell, IN Lake Michigan, for that matter? It doesn’t make any sense. And her take-over-the-world plan moves west from her Hicksville location, when Chicago is to the northeast. So she’s going to take over the empty plains before taking over the population and industry center of the Midwest? It makes no sense!
Funny that Cookie focused on the tilting floor tiles scene and thought “Why doesn’t Supergirl just fly, duh?” While I was thinking, “Why doesn’t Selena just flip the tiles over completely and dump Supergirl in the molten goo, instead of just tilting the edges up and down a few inches?”
Again, with a Salkind Superman film, there’s a germ of a good idea there (a teenage supergirl with typical teenager problems, who also happens to battle evil while trying to navigate high school and get all her homework done — sort of a precursor to Buffy the Vampire Slayer), but it’s executed so idiotically as to be intolerable. Why did studios keep backing these people? It’s crap like this that prevents new writers (with actual good ideas and nice, tight scripts) from breaking into the business. The same old names keep getting money thrown at them for churning out crap. [/cynical rant]
So obviously, I’m looking forward to Superman IV. Woo-hoo!!!
Joe you are a chicken for not answering my Sheppard question how about my Vala question where was she if she wasn’t in the third movie I know you and Robert Cooper were on the Daniel & Vala side but I don’t know about Brad?
@poundpuppy29 (Erika)
Personally I think there’s no serious use for Vala in SG1(Team), granted she has her moments where she shines, Claudia did a fantastic job there but if for a proper offworld adventure killing badguys, saving the world etc, Mitchel/Jack Teal’C. Sam and Daniel would always be a better choice.
Blah I miss Stargate.. *Sadface*
@Birdy
Lol good one.
Penny is right! Cookie’s review is much more entertaining than the movie itself. Thanks Cookie!
Great picture of your mum’s dog yesterday. Was that Bubba with the steak in his mouth or Lulu? Sorry, I’m not very good with names but it was a great picture.
Randomness: Yes, I miss Stargate too. We are re-watching SGA eps tonight.
From Kathode’s vent: “…but Argos City exists in Inner Space.”
That’s what made me wonder if the thing was actually in another dimension, but then how did the egg (I also immediately thought Mork) get to our dimension? Was it when it was going through all the flashing light/2001-ish type stuff? Or was that some kind of warp/FTL drive? And then I thought, “what am I even wondering about this? It’s just stupid.”
Ha, I noticed the Frank Lloyd Wright windows too, and thought that was kind of cool. They actually reminded me a little of the windows on Atlantis and got me wondering if FLW was the conscious inspiration for those.
Anyway, yes, the movie sucked. I’m sure Superman IV will be a great improvement, though. *rolls eyes*
@ gforce: “I’m sure Superman IV will be a great improvement, though.”
Hahahaha!!!! You slay me! We shall suffer together. I am looking forward to Batman, though. Unlike most of the civilized world, I actually liked the Michael Keaton film the best of all the Batmans. I have a feeling, however, that Cookie isn’t going to agree.
About Argos, I kinda thought they were going for some other-dimension-thingy as the reason it survived the destruction of Krypton, but then when Supergirl flew into the ocean (or was it Lake Michigan?) to get back to Argos in the end, I was lost. But like you, I feel I’ve wasted enough time and thought on trying to figure it out. “It’s just stupid.” Amen to that!