Blargh! Supergirl most nauzeating movie since Big Bird sex tape released online. It so bad it aktually make monster miss Condorman. It was so terruble dat aktor Christopher Reeve refuse to do cameo. And he do Superman II AND III!
Movie start on Argos City where survivors of Kripton walk around in wishy washy dresses and space sweaters. Wait! What?! But Kripton explode in Superman I! Yes, BUT only mostly explode.
Argos City doing a-okay – until inventor/leader/idiot, Zoltar, “borrow” city power source (de omegahaedron) for experiment wit orange tingie dat look like Grover booty rooter. He give dem both to girl called Kara who, it turn out (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!) is cuzin of Superman! She use it to create dragonfly (?) dat fly away, right thru Argos City protektive force shield dat turn out to be made of flimsy plastik. And megahaedron fly out after it. Oh, and witout power source, now everyone on Argos City will suffokate to death. Oopsy.
Kara get into space egg and follow megahaedron (Space egg and megahaedron going de same way – WHAT A COINSIDENTS!). Megahaedron land on Earth (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!) in cheese dip of pikniking witch Selena. For real. Space egg land in lake and Supergirl fly out of water. She have power of flight and staying perfektly dry. Oh, and for some reason, she NOW wearing Supergirl outfit even tho she not wearing it when she left Argos City.
So what a girl to do when her people dying of slow suffokation? Why join private girl skool of course! But first, she almost seksually assalted by two stoopid truckers. “Why are you doing dis?”she ask dem. One answer: “It’s just the way we are…” Written.
She disguize herself as human girl (she also have power to change clothez and hair color by walking behind treez) and change her name to Linda (becuz Kara too suspishus?). She end up at skool where roomate turn out to be Lucy Lane, Lois Lane cuzin (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!), and math teacher turn out to be boyfriend of Selena and sometime warlok (WHAT A COINSIDENTS!). Small world. Small contrived lazy-written world!
Meanwile, Selena go back home where she live wit raspy-voice other woman me tink is her girlfriend until she fall in love with skool gardener and give him love poshun. But he very dizzy and wander into town, so she send front loader to bring him back. Supergirl save de dey.
For some reazon, megahaedron power source give Selena magik powerz and she attak Supergirl wit invisuble monster. Den, attak hunky gardner wit bumper cars. Den she make giant mountain appear on edge of town wit castle up on top. Leks Luthor she aint. Supergirl show up at castle and bet sent to phantom zone. Somehow.
In Phantom Zone, Supergirl run into Zoltak who now redoosed to drinking out of squirt bottle. She need to escape Phantom Zone. He say impossible. She say she really want to leave. He say IMPOSSIBLE. She say she really, really want to leave. He say IMPOSSI – okay, just climb up side of dis cliff and off you go. Den he die. Monster tink.
Supergirl show up back at castle where Selena have Lucy Lane, Jimmy Olsen, and hobo math teacher in giant bird cages. Selena use magik to make brick wall and statue almost fall on Supergirl. Den she make floor all shakey-shakey and Supergirl have to crawl and almost fall – even tho SHE CAN FLY!!! Me guess she forgot.
Smoke monster appear. It stretch Supergirl and do someting else. Not sure what, but it ook like it give her bad poopy cramps. Supergirl use superspeed to scoop up Selena and raspy sidekick and trap dem in broken mirror. Da end!
Dis movie not bode well for other female superhero filmz like Elektra, Catwoman, and Iron Lady.
Verdikt: Monster very mad at a lot of people after watch dis piece of crap. Mad at people who made it. Mad at Joe for make me watch. But espeshully mad at Amnesty Intermashanul dat waste all dis time trying to outlaw waterboarding when dis movie much more crule and unuzual torture!
Rating: No chocolate chippee cookies and one kick in de grapes.
P.S. Check out trailer for next week’s
kick in de greapes supermovie of the week, Superman IV: