Superman III so bad it make Superman II look like Superman I! It as if director Richard Lester read monster’s reviews and den, out of spite, get Superman to spin world backward so he can go back in time and inklude everyting me hate so much about first two movies in first five minutes of dis turd. Kooky musik play as guy walk into pole, girl in rollerblades knock phone booths over, blind man mistake street painter for seeing eye dog, old man get bucket of yellow paint on head, blind man walk thru painting, mime slip and fall on marblez, guy get pie in da face, etc. And dis just opening creditz! Phoo-wee. Already, dis movie stink like Fozzie Bear at hot yoga class. If Buster Keaton ever make comeback, Richard Lester your guy!
We introduced to Gus Gorman. He lovable loozer dat can’t hold down job. Just like Grover before he start mangosteen juice franchise. Gus get job as computer programmer and, in no time, become hacker genius. Find way to redirekt extra fraktion cents from everybody else paychek into his own – and make $85k+ on first try! Me have to admit, dis very brilliant idea. Remind monster of time Oscar da Grouch run similar scam. Except instead of stealing money from checkz, he steal cash. And instead of from co-workerz, he take from strangers. And instead of computer program, he use rusty pipe and strong language.
Gus seem like smart guy. But not really. Boss of company (Napoleon Solo) told dat someone steal $85k+ from company but no way to track it. In olden days possible becuz people check everyting dat go in and out but nowadays have to rely on lazy computerz so no way to know. UNTIL Gus drive to work in flashy sportscar. Den Napoleon Solo say “Aha!” and offer Gus deal. Gus have to use computer to command weather satellite to cause storm dat wipe out coffee crop in Columbia. Weather satellite can control weather? Of course! Dat why it called WEATHER satellite!
Meanwile, back at Metropolis, Clark get permishiun to go back to Smallville for high school reunion. And Lois get permishiun to go on vacashun to Bermuda. Monster tink “Aha! Writerz so smart. Lois going to go to Bermuda and get stuck in storm!” But writerz fool monster by not even bother to take advantage of Lois charakter. She gone for most of movie and, instead, we follow dopey couple we don’t know who visit Columbia and get caught in storm and watch giant piece of church roof fall and land on head of
parishish parshishi church people.
On way to Smallville, bus stop at site of chemikal fire. Superman arrive on scene just as two guyz run out of building on fire. Superman ask: “Chief, how can I help?” Monster think: “Would be nice if you could put out dose two guyz” but instead Supes fly into building and chat wit scientist watching acid vaporize. Need to cool tings down but problem wit water pressure! So Superman fly to lake five miles away, freeze water wit super breath, den fly giant ice piece back and drop it on factory. For some reazon, it instantly melt and put out fire instead of crush everybody like me hoping.
Superman return to Smallville. Meet up wit Lana Lang and her kid and hilarious abusive alcoholic ex-boyfriend. Superman teach Lana Lang kid valuable lessons like cheating a-okay (by using super breath to help kid win at bowling) and lying a-okay too (by showing up for kidz birtday after kid tell everyone Superman coming even though Superman not have plan to go and probably not like buttercream icing anyway). Clark go on piknik wit Lana and son. For some reazon kid fall asleep in middle of field during treshing season. Superman save before he end up like Cookie’s second cuzin Froppet whoze frozen lemonade stand shut down by municipal snow blower. Permanently.
Meanwhile, Napoleon Solo decide he want to kill Superman. He diskuss wit Gus who, in stoopidest scene of many of movie’s stoopid scenes, Gus akcidentally ski off top of building wearing pink tablecloth cape, fall turdy floors, land on slanted (GLASS!!!) roof and slide onto street. Kidz, don’t try dis AT home! Unless you wear helmet – den okay. Napoleon Solo make Gus use weather satellite to analize fragment of kriptonite (don’t ask). Not able to identify one element so Gus make it up, den lab make kriptonite and Gus show up at Superman parade and give it to Superman.
But not pure kriptonite. Instead of kill Superman, just make him very cranky. He get drunk.
He fix leaning tower of Pizza so not leaning anymore and Italian stereotype in front of shitty green screen very angry. He blow out Olympic torch. He punch hole in oil tanker (Oh, yeah. Monster forget. Bad guy redirekt oil tankerz to middle of Atlantic. Need to include dis crooshal piece of informashun or movie make even less sense.).
But Superman conflikted. He fight inner battle dat become outer battle when he split in two: Superman and Clark Kent. How possible? Well not, but dis franchize stop making sense two moviez ago. Superman fight Clark Kent in junk yard. Try to crush him in compactor. Trow him into giant vat of acid (standard eqwipment in most junk yardz). Clark strangle Superman, killing him. Den open up shirt to reveal: S! Superman back!!! Yay?
Bad guys fly around in air balloon chairs. For some reazon.
Superman follow dem to hideout where dey built supercomputer. Superman fight supercomputer. Gus feel bad and want to help. Big booby girl feel bad and want to help too. Napoleon Solo sister not feel bad at all and turn into computer tingie –
But Superman win! He save Gus and, for some reazon, drop him off instead of leave him wit everybody else to be arrested. Den Superman go back to Metropolis where Daily Planet get new computerized bingo machine. It explode, reinforcing movie message: “Computerz bad! Stay stooped!”
Verdikt: Superman moviez = super crap. 0 for 3 so far wit super-crappy-looking Superman IV next after even super-crappier looking Supergirl.
Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and 1 broken button.
P.S. Cookie now have own movie review website here: Film reviews by resident film criti… Tell your friends!