When time for Monster to sit down and watch Superman movie, he select Speshul Edition because, letz face it, me very speshul. But monster not realize dat “speshul edition” over two and a half hours long! When Monster realize, he run back to video store to exchange. But too late. Already closed. And it only two p.m.! Monster suspekt dat when someone stoopid enuf to rent speshul edition of any movie, video store close up shop and get out while da getting is good. Suspishuns confirmed by sounds of staff giggling inside when Monster shout thru door: “If me can’t exchange, me have to watch one hundred and fifty-one minutes of dis movie! Pleaze have mercy on Monster!!!” But no mercy. No pity. Only 1978 Superman Speshul Edition.
Dey say “Imitashun sincerest form of flattery”. If true, den dis movie’s opening credit seekwence blow smoke up Stars Wars ass. Also muzik VERY flattering too. Den movie start in a galaxy far away… Marlon Brando (dis before he train to become sumo) is scientist on world where everyting pointy and made out of crystal, even livingroom ferniture. He predikt planet, Kripton, going to blow up. But FIRST have to set up movie seekwel, so sentence tree criminals to space jail. One man charged wit violenz! Another man charged wih treazon! And woman charged wit most heinus crime of all: being man-hater! Criminals sent to flippy-mirror-prison and, with dat out of way, we get back to movie. And Kripton blow up. Not sure why other scientists not see it coming. Dat supernova sun look awful close…
But, good newz! Marlon Brando charakter (Klorox) send baby away in spiky spaceship (mebbe spikies good protektion against space squid attack) in nick of time. Spaceship fly for tree years and crashland on Earth where is found by couple. Dey find abandoned baby and do responsuble ting: keep it for demselves.
Ateteen years later, baby is grown up boy: Clark Kent. He bullied but have special powerz. Very strong, very fast, and very stoopid. So stoopid, in fakt, dat he run superfast right beside train full of people. Lucky for him only person who bother look out window is little girl named…wait for it….Lois! And no one really interested in what she have to say anyway. Clark go home and have heart to heart talk with dad. Den, he say to dad: “Run!”. Dad tink dis is good idea…but have sekond toughts when keel over ded. Nice going, Clark. Smooth move ex (ray vizion) lax!
After funeral, Clark decide he going to go away. North! He go and, at first, monster tink he go too far when he hit icebergz. But Clark pull out crystal and trow it into ice and from crystal grow beautiful crystal Fourdress of Saltitude. And den Superman appear in costume. And dis fifty minutes into movie! Slow build but not bad so far.
Up to dis point, Monster tink movie okay. Some parts not make sense, some a little silly, but not bad. Den, we go to Metropolis and wheelz fall off. It as if people who made first fifty minutes of movie fired and replaced by people embarrassed to be making superhero film. We introduced to reporter Lois Lane who can’t spell “bludletting” or “massakre” and spell “raypist” wit two “p’s”. Ho ho ho. Clark Kent a news reporter, but he suddenly so klutzy and not know how to use revolving door. Ho ho ho. Bad guy Lex Luthor suppose to be smart but hire dum henchman (Ned Beatty who me sure now really regret dis role) dat wear pork pie hat and loud tie and get fingerz stepped on. Ho ho ho! Suddenly, completely different movie! WAT DA FUDGEOO?!!!
At Daily Planet, accident happen! Helicopter wit Lois (who sound like she smoke six packs of cigarette a day) inside hang off building. Stoopid people gather direktly underneath to watch. Unfortunately, Superman fly in and keep helicopter from falling on dem – and save Lois Lane. Wooooooooooooo. Loooooooooove! Den Superman go off and help other people, help plane land, and get off cheezy one-liner when bad guy hit him wit rubber tire iron – BOIIIIING = “Good vibrashuns?” Ho ho ho! At dis point, Monster really regret he agree to do dese reviewz. Only good part in “rescue montage” come when Superman help little girl get cat down from tree. After Superman fly away, girl run inside and say: “Man flew down from sky and rescue Frisky!”. Mom: “How many time I tell you not to lie!” And den – SMACK of mom hitting little girl. Ho ho ho!
Superman show up at Lois Lane apartment for interview, look at her pink underwear, reveal weakness to lead, den fly her around town.
Meanwhile, Lex Luthor figure out dat Superman is allergik to piece of his old planet. How he figure dis out and why Superman would be allergik never explained but, at dis point, everybody, including movie’s producers, want to get it over wit as soon as possible so nobody want to slow tings down by asking questions. Also at dis point, Cookie self-medikating. He dip oreos in nyquil to make movie hurt less.
Bad guys in stupid disguise. Twice. Get access to nooclear missiles and fiddle wit dem. Twice! J.R. Ewing (aka Major Nelson) make cameo. Luthor lure Superman into bad guy lair and sink him in pool wit kriptonite necklace, den conveniently leave so dat sad woman can free him. Superman stop one missile but other one blow up. Earthquake! Monster not recognize Jimmy Olsen witout dorky bow tie but Superman does and save him. Superman fly under Earth and thru mole men tunnels to stop faultline from collapse. But too late to save Lois. She ded. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Well, whaddya gonna do? How about fly so fast around planet dat Earth rotate opposite way? Yeah? And? Oh, you not realize dat when Earth rotate opposite way, it turn back time? So he can save Lois?
Great! Now whenever Monster watch another Superman movie, he not have to be worried. All Superman have to do is spin planet backwardz and undo everyting! Somebody die? No problem. Spin Earth backwardz! Someting damaged? Spin Earth backwardz! Forget to tape Two Broke Girlz? Spin Earth backwardz! Whew! Now monster not have to worry about anyting like drama and suspense ever again when watch Superman seekwels. Wat a relief!
Final Verdikt: Last week Batman goofy but smart and fun. Dis movie goofy stupid want-to-punch-someone stinker. Monster wish HE could fly around planet and turn back time so he can unsee dis movie.Superman go from okay first fifty minutes to bad to worse to terrible, den keep right on going past stupid painful into braindead vomit-so-hard-Monster-can’t-feel-his-eyeballs terminus.
Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies for first 50 minutes + -2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies for rest of movie = 2 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.
SuperMovie of Week Klub take break for next two weeks. Me need time to recover from dis supershitfest. Also, while Joe in Tokyo, monster have to manage his casino in Macau and mail-order-bride biznesses.
SuperMovie of Week Klub return Monday, Febuary 13 wit Hero at Large…
Hoo boy. Look not good!
Finally, Joe ask me to continue preview of Dark Matter #2, second issue of SF comik book series dat come out Febuary 8! First tree pages from gang at CBR ( Comic Book Resources):