Cookie Monster come down with flu – or maybe bug picked up from Grover jacuzzi party – and not feeling one hunerd persent so sorry if dis review make less sense den movie. Monster very sick. Last night, me toss and turn and have terrible fever dream. Turn out not dream but memories of dis week’s Superfilm of Week: Superman and the Mole-Men.
It start at Silsby “Home of World’s Deepest Oil Well” where company closing down. And trowing away big oversize wrenches like ones Oscar da Grouch use to whack homeless trash divers. After most suspishus glove-taking-off-scene in film history, reporters arrive to question foreman Corrigan. Intro Clark Kent (who look like Phil Silvers) and Lois Lane (who do bad job hiding her alter ego: Super Bitch). Dey find out company drill 32 740 feet …TO CENTER OF THE EARTH! Is world record! (recently broke by BP dat made it all de way to Hell). But now, for reazons not telling, Corrigan shutting down operashuns. Clark Kent wonder: “Why?”. Me wonder: “Who cares?” and if all actors in movie contraktually obligated to wear stupid hats.
When no one looking, two 50 year old tailors from Schenektady New York crawl out of ground. Dey stroll and look around all wowee like first class trip to neighborhood sex shop. But turn out not really tailors. Really…Mole Men! I bet dey get dat all de time.
Clark and Lois come back to oil company. Clark VERY alarmed to find office door slightly open. “Great Scott!”he say. Well, not so great. And not Scott but old guy dead on floor. Clark even more alarmed. Bitchy Lois reprimand him, say no big deal, just old man keel over. BUT sharp-eyed Clark notice oranges on floor. ORANGES ON FLOOR! How dat happen? How sack get dere? CSI dis aint.
Clark call for help. Person on other end of line ask what up? Clark say can’t explain. Not sure why not. Mebbe Clark not a phone person. Me like dat sometime, espeshully when mom call.
Later, Lois left alone in room sees mole men perving on her thru window. She scream and men arrive. Too late to see pervs but not too late to humor hysterical woman Lois who claim: ““Dey had bodies of moles wit great big human heads. “ More accurate deskripshun would be “Dey kids wit bathing caps and furry sweaters.”. Clark wonder “What dey want?”. Monster tink “Old man’s oranges!”. But monster wrong.
Clark say dey have to stay with body until undertaker arrive. Why? He not going anywhere. Finally, everyone else leave. Clark left alone with foreman. He turn and ask: “I guess you know why I hung around, Mr. Corrigan.” Monster tink “Oh boy oh boy oh boy. Clark cruising Corrigan!”. But monster wrong. Again. Movie full of surpirzes like dat!
Anyhoo, Corrigan reveal truth. Mole men come from…center of Earth! Everyting dey touch glow wit radiashun! But no explanashun for why dey wear furry sweaters. Maybe surface world colder dan Morlocktropolis. Monster dunno. Is a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside of enigma surrounded by shitty movie shell.
Tings happen. Mole man scared by snake. Mole men play catch wit kid. Lois bitch out Clark. Cookie Monster tink he be better off wit Corrigan after all. Den Superman show up. Nobody in town all dat interested. Cookie Monster neither but have to do review for stupid blog so keep watching.
Mole men end up on dam (for some reason) and, after worst use of spotlight ever by crazed mob, one mole man shot. He fall but Superman catch him and leave other mole man to be chased. For loooooooooooooooong time. But he get away anyway and crawl back into hole what he came from.
At town hospital, Clark arguing with owner who don’t want to serve alien. Nurse also creeped out. But doctor say duckie and Clark assist in operashun. While mob gather outside hospital, more mole men crawl out of hole in ground wit what look like espresso machine. Dey walk down main street and nobody notice except homeless man. And Superman who tell dem: “No one gonna hurt you. No one gonna mean you any harm.” And me tink: No one except…EVERYONE IN TOWN!
Angry townperson tries to shoot dem, but dey shoot first wit espresso machine. It shoot cartoon beam dat make him VERY tried. But Superman step in front and reazon with mole men. Dey sorry. Angry townsperson sorry too. Everyone sorry but nobody more den me dat skipped Big Bird Pimps Up Ho’s Down Party to watch dis crap. Finally, oil well blow up to seal hole back to Moleville. But feel good ending for dis monster because me feel good movie finally end.
Final Verdikt: Boring, terruble VFX, cheez acting – but bonus points for mercy-fully short 58 minute run time.
Rating: 3 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies
Pleaze diskuss.
Next Tuesday, me back to review and diskuss 1966 Batman:
Don’t forget to watch!
And don’t forget to read Batgirl Rising for Monday, January 16 for Book of Month Klub diskusshun with writer Bryan Q. Miller!
AND don’t forget to pick up Joe new comic book, Dark Matter #1, dat come out dis Wednesday, January 11!
I don’t suppose Cookie Monster feels like reviewing Plan 9 from Outer Space? Its my all-time fave z-movie:)
Now I know where stephen King got his idea of the little bald doctors in Insomnia:)
At the very least Superman should have been mighty pi$$ed at all the murder attempts directed at him by the townspeople. I mean, really, how many times must the man step in front of a gun before people figure out bullets aren’t cutting it?
LOL! And there I thought Cookie Monster was wearing a red velvet smoking jacket for his reviewer photo.
Love Cookie Monster’s reviews!
My copy of Dark Matter is on order. I read Bat Girl Rising. However, I could not bring myself to watch the Superman movie. Just couldn’t do it. Sorry, Joe and Cookie Monster. But I will watch the next one! It’s in my Netflix queue.
From Japan I would like a nice カレーパン. Or two. I’d ask for purple sweet potato ice cream, but I don’t think it would travel well.
Thanks for the frozen custard recipe. I just got an ice cream maker and I’m looking forward to trying it our.
@maggiemayday: I hope the tooth, or where the tooth was, is feeling better.
@Penny: congratulations!
@das: I thought the pic was very nice! I love fossils. But not David Hasselhoff.
@Narelle: it’s good to hear from you. I’m glad you’re doing okay. Twenty years since I lost my dad. Once in a while he shows up in my dreams. And it makes me happy.
Alistair Cookie, hey? Loved the review, just couldn’t make myself watch the thing!
Oh Cookie, I actually agree with most of your review – except for the hats! They were the best part!
Two days to Dark Matter? Woohoo!
Ok, didn’t watch Supes and Mole Man before this. But I did see it a few years ago. From what I remember Cookie Monster is right on track. Loved the review. And I have the Batman movie on dvd, so i will make sure to sit through it again before the next installment of CM’s erudite observations. Ready to visit the comic store when it opens on Wednesday(lately it has been playing with store hours, seemingly designed solely to make sure they’re close just before I arrive). Thanks for the daily dose of entertainment.
Outstanding review! I had also noted the particularly effective use of jaunty hats – and that everyone seemed to be wearing one.
I dozed off until near the end, but a few other things stood out to me:
1. When the molemen were pointing their weapon at Superman, he insisted that Lois go inside to safety. She then proceeded indoors to a location near the line of fire, and directly visible in a picture window. Did Lois think that whatever their weapon shot out of it, it could not somehow penetrate glass?
2. When the molemen were returning to their realm at the well cap, the final moleman to descend was carrying their weapon and handed it to Superman so he could properly navigate the ladder. Once inside Superman handed it back to him. Evidently, the molemen have a need for advanced weaponry within their own society, but had somehow after only a few minutes of pantomime had come to believe Superman trustworthy enough to allow him to do them that favor. Kinda reminded me of the old comedy skit where a robber asks the friendly store clerk to hold his gun while rearranging the money in the bag. (Monty Python I think)
3. Although no aspersions toward Watergate, but the realization that they just wanted their people back as the resolution seemed vaguely familiar. I guess there are only so many possible peaceful conclusions to misunderstandings during first contact. 😉 At least that is far more sensible than “the stuff we’re mining here is really their babies – if we promise to stop, they will stop trying to kill us” I never understood why aliens would be content with humans not killing MORE of their children. I would think they would still be pissed about the ones already dead.
It’s fun ripping on this old stuff from a more modern perspective, however, I think that it will be harder to pick out things from the Batman movie that was just pure camp anyway. It’ll be hard to figure out what’s NOT intentional.
@klusekan – At least that Luke Benson thought to throw punches after the bullets bounced. That’s why he’s leader material.
It was just so, so bad. Senselessly bad at times. I’ve heard better sound tracks from those 90’s cartoons in which the characters shout their own names in the opening theme song.
It didn’t have to be so bad! Why did it have to be harmless phosphorescence and not cryptonitish, moppet-melting radiation? Why did the expresso machine only squirt milk instead of lava grenades? Why did Luke Benson ambush from the only direction where an unwieldy “weapon” was pointed? Why was Lois suddenly concerned when the milk hit Superman instead of Luke? How DID the orange sack get over here?
It wasn’t a Superman movie. Superman movies should have huge consequences, not scenes where characters mull over whether to call for help or wait until things blow over. This had the right amount of danger for an episode of Lassie.
I always knew Grover was a dirty, dirty puppet. Thanks to Cookie. I needed the laugh.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch the movie, but I loved the review. Maybe Cookie Monster’s reviews could get syndicated. They’re much more entertaining than most reviews I read.
Hi Cookie Monster, good review! Bad Movie!
Tell Joe he might want to check this store out when he’s in Japan:
http://gawker.com/5874304/japanese-department-store-may-want-to-look-up-the-word-fucking
Talk about translation issues!
Wait a cotton pickin’ minute. Moles and pantomime?
I should say something positive. At least Luke Benson ate crow like it was a real movie.
Which evidently is not a translation gaffe but a promo for
“One of the Japanese New Year’s traditions you may have heard of is Lucky Bags, or Fukubukuro (福袋). Basically around the start of the year, stores will take stock they want to get rid of, put it in bags, and sell it.”
https://superhappyawesome.wordpress.com/2011/01/06/lucky-bags/
http://superhappyawesome.wordpress.com/2012/01/05/happy-engrish-fuckin-sale/
I just wish Superman had flown more than he did. This movie was so dark, I guess for the mole men, and maybe you can make stuff more hokey in the darkness. maybe. It seemed the burning building, burned a lot faster, and it seemed the little guy inside had more than ample time to figure out the loose floorboard strategy..I was hollering at him to do that…(he didn’t hear me). oh we are so spoiled with Mark S. and his wonderful vfx, hard to watch this,, whatever Cookie said about it was so right on,,hah, good for a laugh. And not sure I like this Lois Lane.. Too witchy, with a b..yes. ~~~~thanks gforce for the utube link to watch it..
Alas, I will have to read the review later. Had a power outtage…outage…whatever!…tonight and got behind in things, so now ready to go beddie-bye. It was fun reading by candlelight, though. Kinda romantical. 😀
das
PS: Thanks, Sparrow! I have a nice collection now, but really need an expert to help me identify some of them. I have a few really cool pieces, but even with my identification guides it’s hard to tell what they are. Part of the problem is that most of the samples in the guides haven’t been tumbling around in the surf for eons, which smooths out some of the detail. Also, it’s really hard to find whole fossils, most are just bits of something much bigger, so it’s like trying to figure out if a blue jigsaw puzzle piece is part of the sky, or the ocean. And like a jigsaw puzzle, I will sit up for hours trying to figure it out. Went to bed at 3 am last night/this morn, and don’t wanna make that same mistake again. 😛
Nites, all!
das
Sorry Cookie. Didn’t get to watch it. The cookies hit the fan here. Don’t remember much of the last 4 days. The only bright spots will be if my pre-ordered copy of Dark Matter gets here tomorrow the 11th, and Fringe is back on Friday.
Hi Joe:
Is there a way we could get the very first Dark Matter Comic/graphic novel autographed by you and Paul?
Thanks for enduring that film on our behalf. With that poor showing, it’s really amazing that any form of sci-fi actually survived past Hollywoods attempt to completely mangle it.
Patricia
Heh! That was awesome. Please do more.
There must be something wrong with me. I didn’t think the movie was THAT bad (or maybe I’ve just seen a lot of bad movies in my time so this one didn’t stand out).
Sure, you didn’t see Superman until half way into it.
The day-for-night filming made me want to claw my eyes out.
And they must have had a branch of Rent-A-Mob in the town judging by how quickly everyone gathered to hunt down the mole men.
On the plus side there’s . . . um . . . there’s . . . um. Well, it spawned a TV series which probably supplanted Superman into the American psyche and made it the success it is today.
Looking forward to watching Batman. Haven’t seen the 60s Batman for years!
Cookie Monster AND Grover sharing a jacuzzi?? All that fur would clog up the filter. 😉
@ Bailey… Lucky Bags are wonderful fun. Super Fuckin’ Sale indeed!
BP drilled all the way to hell? Is that correlated to the rise of all things zombie?
By the title alone I wasn’t going to watch this one, even if I could find it (internet not an option, I’m still on dial-up)! However, I don’t feel cheated at all, this awesome review makes me feel like I didn’t miss a thing, and even got the far more entertaining version! Even better than MST3000, really.
I’ll join in later, there’s great review potential on that list. I know Condorman is going to get hit, but we loved that as kids, and now my boys love it. Can’t wait for more reviews CM!
I think I’ll have to go buy Dark Matter, just so that the numbers might help with your pitches for TV/mini-series, because it sounds awesome, but I’ve always had problems with comics/manga/etc. I don’t know what it is, love some of the plots, but just can’t read them! Pathetic, right?
Do your thing and take lots of pics on your trip, its the closest I’ll ever get to even knowing someone who’s been!
Can’t watchi Batman without hearing Adam West sing his little Adam West Song on Family Guy.
I like oranges as much as any Mole Man, but it doesn’t sound like Superman kicked enough ass in this movie; I wanted to see him put the hurt on that mob.
Hugs to the fabulous pugs.
Watching SGA marathon on Syfy today! \O/
Great review and a lot funnier than the movie.
My three favorite stuff about the movie:
– the way Superman take off .
– the way Luke Benson throw punches to Superman after the bullets bounced.
– the moleman handing his weapon to Superman so he can climb down the ladder. I guess is so trustworthy.
LOL
Have a nice day.
I’ve seen too many bad movies so I’m not sure my stomach could take “Superman and the Mole-Men.” I don’t think it’s one of those too bad it’s good deals. But I do think I’d go for 1966’s “Batman” any day of the week.
I have just READ it. “Dark Matters” is way cool and a provide a review at my blog:
http://comicsgrinder.wordpress.com/2012/01/10/dark-matters-1-review/
It’s a short and sweet review but it tells the truth: “Dark Matters” is a keeper.
LOLOL! Never seen “Superman and the Mole-Man” and I love Superman…. tho maybe after seeing the review and realizing that the movie is in black and white….I’ll skip haha
PS- You wrote “January 9, 2011”. Just making sure but was that intentional or not when you wrote 2011 instead of 2012?
Cookie, I love your visits to Joe’s blog. I hope my son grows up to be just like you.
😆 😆 😆
Cookie Monster outdid himself! Bra-friggin’-vo! Laughed out loud a couple times, especially at: “…Lois Lane (who do bad job hiding her alter ego: Super Bitch).” 😆
That was great, Jo…erm…Mr. Monster. Looking forward to the next one! And take care of that cold!
das
Sorry for the late entry but I did what Superman this weekend even though I was preparing for a growling test on Monday. If a sent Cookie monster a box of Girl scout cookies would he feel better. However in taking this break to view the assignment for Sunday I also am finishing up on my personal start to finish marathon of all episodes of SG1.(why? I have little in social life) I am finishing “Unending” tonight. With this in mind I was surprised to see the many similarities from Superman to SG1. For starts you had the social conscious mild mannered Superman sticking up for the Mole people just like Daniel was prone to do even to the point if it were not up to luck and 42 minutes some serious trouble would have happen, but in the end both Daniel and Superman were able to communicate to the lesser sophisticated culture. I believe O’neill payed homage to that characteristic in “the Shroud.” Then you had the angry villager like those drunken yahoos in the “Uninvited.” This were very similar to the angry towns folk trying to take revenge on an unknown being, Granted the mutated creature did pose a more formidable threat. But you had the little Mole folk like the Jaffa. With such uncalculated strength they climbed up six mile to see (if they could see, I mean how could anyone expect a Jaffa to see with that head dress) what brought down chunks on their head. And when the ill mannered crowd attacks the out of ignorance, the Moles came back to rescue and exact an honorable revenge with their energy weapon(s). What was it shooting anyway? And Daniel, I mean Superman,unselfishly threw him self into the fray to bring a quick end to the conflict.
Funny how the one guy could not keep a simple flash light on the two mole man on the dam as they scampered back and forth like pin balls.
Louis seems not to be too smart as she too realized Clark disappeared every time before Superman arrived.
Hi Cookie, or do you prefer Mr Monster?
I know am late to the SFOTWC (F interchangeable with M I guess.) discussion.
My 2 cents, Surely the world would be a better place if corny hats where mandatory.
How did it take the mob so long to catch the Molemen,they have longer legs and should have caught up in no time. Holy Elmo that chase scene was excruciating.
Big heads means big brains, right? So why didn’t they just bring the ray gun with them at the start and why did it take the one in the burning shed so long to figure out an escape route.
Where o’ where did the foley team get the sfx for Superman flying?
regards Thomas McCool