Perhaps no one was more disappointed about my early return to Vancouver than former SGU script coordinator Lawren who’d been taking care of my place in my absence.  An early homecoming for me of course meant an early departure for him.  Instead of having until December to work his way through my liquor cabinet, his window of opportunity has suddenly contracted.  Akemi and I have been back a couple of weeks now, but I assured Lawren that he could stay as long as he likes.  We have the extra room and if he doesn’t take it, Akemi is going to turn it into a raccoon nursery.

Anyway, looks like Lawren has found alternate accommodations and will be leaving us in a few weeks.  Akemi and I are genuinely saddened. It’s been fun having the company – someone to commiserate with over fantasy football; someone to join us for dinner; someone to reprimand if he comes home late or doesn’t call (“Akemi and I were worried sick, young man!”).  Akemi likens the communal spirit to the “share house” concept common among Japanese students studying English here in Canada and, while she’s accepted the fact that Lawren will be moving out, she holds on to the hope that someone else will be moving in.  She had her heart set on Ivon until I informed her that he already has a place and, more importantly, a long-term lease.  Alternate candidates include: Alexander and Sarah (once they’ve finished up on Transporter),  Carl Binder, Martin Gero, my sister, our friend Moro-san in Tokyo, author John Scalzi, editor Lou Anders, author Marjorie M. Liu, writer Gail Simone, that Diners Drive-Ins and Dives guy, Chef Tom Colicchio, circa 1985 Kelly LeBrock, Gintama, the Fantastic Four.

After enjoying a Sunday chock full of birthdayly goodness, I woke up this morning to THIS –

THAT is my driver’s side view mirror.  Or, rather, it’s the spot formerly occupied by my driver’s side view mirror.  It and my passenger side view mirror were conspicuously absent this morning.  Initially, I assumed some good samaritan had taken them away to be cleaned but, eventually, it dawned on me that that wasn’t the case.  On the bright side, I had to drop my car off for scheduled maintenance today. According to Alan at the dealership, those replacement parts should come in on Friday.  And since he deems it dangerous to drive around without side view mirrors (I could always tape hand mirrors to doors!), he won’t return my car until then.  So, if I want to get around, looks like I’ll be relying on that jet pack my mother got me last Christmas.  Hey, does anybody know if you can buy rocket fuel at Home Depot?

41 thoughts on “October 17, 2011: The Lodger!

  1. Hey, well belated Happy Birthday!

    Congrats on the gift of no mirrors! Are you sure my wife didn’t drive your car? Sometimes when she drives mine, I have no side-view mirrors afterward, either.

    Home Depot does sell rocket fuel, but it’s made in China, so of course it only goes upside-down.

  2. Couldn’t he have put something on temp? OUCH. Vandalism happen much around your neighborhood? Time for security cameras. And some really scary creatures to pop out if someone touches your vehicle.
    LOL on Akemi wanting new house guests. 🙂
    WOHOO you posted before I called it a night.
    You didn’t, however, post the Joe&Neglected Dog picture.

  3. Get your car off the street by parking it in the front yard. Or hey, here’s a novel idea, why don’t you park it in the garage where it belongs. Still having trouble with those locks, aren’t you?

  4. Is there a black market for automotive mirrors out there that we haven’t heard about who steals the mirrors of cars especially it seams taking care not to damage the housing there are some true sickos out there.

  5. See, if the Fantastic Four were staying at your house there never would have been that problem

    …however you’d probably have other items broken tho… the THING in a small space… not a pretty picture

  6. 1. The Lodger (1927) was a Hitchcock flick…ya know, just sayin’.

    2. My sister was just my houseguest. It was great because it gave us time to talk and do sister-y type things, and best of all she made the coffee every morning (what a great aroma to wake up to!). However, we have a 900-square foot house (not counting the garage) with one dinky bathroom, and only one real bedroom since the ‘spare’ room (or ship room, as I call it), is really more like a study/tv room, so my sister had to sleep on the sofa. We also have creaky hardwood floors, and an old cat who mews all night long, and – it would seem – tiny nighttime bladders that require frequent trips across the creaky floorboards to the dinky bathroom, which subsequently wakes up the old, mew-y kitty. Needless to say, my sister is now staying with our parents. 😛

    3. Here’s the irony (is that the right word?) to your stolen sideview mirrors. Since most replacement parts are actually refurbished used parts (unless you have really good insurance), the possibility of buying back your own stolen mirrors is actually quite high, especially if there was a longer passage of time between the theft and the replacement. Of course, it IS possible that this ‘Alan at the dealership’ has a pretty good racket going on, in which case I’d be keeping track of my hubcaps before the next scheduled maintenance if I were you. 😉

    4. @ avabird – Aya (Aye-a) has really grown into a handsome fella. And though shy, he’s also rather sweet with fans – not aloof at all. I have a bodhran (for about 8 years new), but always have had trouble keeping the tipper from flying out of my hand. I asked him about it and he shared his technique with me. It was nice to know that dropping the tipper can be a problem, and not just me (I blamed it on my sausage fingers, and he laughed 🙂 ).

    Nites, Joe and Akemi and Lawren and Jelly and Maximus and Bubba and Lulu! Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite! 😀


  7. Now we know who forgot to put

    “Sideview Mirrors”

    on their Birthday Gift Wish List

  8. They did the same to our old 1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee a few years ago. But the smashed the mirror. The part they were really after was a plastic ring inside that controls the mirror when you use the power controls. A silly plastic piece that probably cost 5 cents to make yet from the dealer costs about 50 dollars. And here I thought that Canadian’s were too friendly to steal. You have dashed my dreams of one day moving to Canada…

  9. Sorry to hear about the vandalism…I’m guessing that your car was not broken into; just the mirrors stolen. I’m surprised that the dealer doesn’t have a loaner car.

    Alternate candidates include:…circa 1985 Kelly LeBrock

    Is that the “Weird Science” Kelly LeBrock, or am mixing up my eighties films again?

  10. Happy Birthday Day 2.

    Are you sure someone didn’t just pull a birthday prank on you. Judging from Ivon’s comment above, I would start with him, although Patrick Gilmore and Peter Kelamis should not be ruled out (dropping by to say “welcome back”)?

    Regarding this comment above: “Akemi is and I are genuinely saddened.” It was like you had “Akemi is genuinely saddened.” Then you corrected it to include yourself, but forgot to take out the “is”. Funny stuff.

    @Das: Great to see pictures of you. Now I have a face with a name.

    @Squishy: Netherlands, hey? My friend who just passed away from born in Kruisland, Netherlands.

  11. You know you could start a B&B with the spare room and have a revolving lineup of future guests. You could advertise right here on the blog and then people could put in for their requested date. You could even be the tour guide for restaurants and tourist attractions in town. You could have a real business going there.

    This could be a good time to test out alternative means of transportation. have you seen the new show, “Around the World in 80 Ways” on the History channel with survivor alum Rob Mariano? It is really good and inspired me to think of different modes for you to get around. for example you could try roller skates, skateboard, bicycle, unicycle, scooter, motorcycle, or let Lawren take you around. I think you could try some of these out and give us a report. A video even.. You know, for the environment.

  12. Just don’t tell Michael Shanks about the Raccoon room! he might come round and destroy it!

    They even think his BB gun is a bit of fun!…LOL

    Kriss 🙂

  13. My Dad had an almost similar BIRTHDAY “Surprise” about a decade ago – The “one” time he leaves the “cheap” car in the Driveway instead of in the garage… It was early morning, I was just leaving the house to walk to work and luckily, just happened to pass the Driver’s side, when I “notice” a bunch of greenish glass on the ground. huh. I turn my head toward the car… the entire window is gone! Stranger still, NOTHING was stolen! — Meanwhile, I’m faced with – do I go back into the house to wake him THEN with a “Happy Birthday! Some *ssh*le smashed your car window!” – OR, get to work on time and CALL him Later…?

    Insurance Deductibles, NOT a fav Birthday prez!

    BTW, you should get the Car-Guys to put in a remote camera behind a see-through mirror for the NEXT time this happens!

    1. Loaner cars are the responsibility of the dealership, not the manufacturer, since typically dealerships are franchised.

      And often a warranty (or lease) will cover the expense of a rental car if a loaner isn’t available (although you’ll have to fork out for the rental and get reimbursed in most cases, which is an insurance issue, not a dealer issue)

      I’m not defending the dealerships or Audi…the reason I don’t drive an Audi anymore is I got fed up with the “circular bullshit” that Audi corporate / my dealership had me in re: a TT 3.2 with a flaky DSG transmission (that never, in 40 months, got fixed…or even properly diagnosed).

      On the other hand, although I feel VW is often confused about how best to deal with their empire and those brands that fall within it, I do believe their customer service is on the upswing again. At least they went back to free included maintenance, so that’s somethin.

  14. @PBMom
    Kruisland? I had to look it up….Very small town, about 2400 inhabitants.
    Sorry to hear about your loss…
    @JeffW; no your absolutely correct! Funny detail is that the Weird Science movie was followed up by a succesfull series (sounds familiar?). The stunning Lisa is in the series played by Vanessa Angel (also known as Anise/Freya the Tok’ra from SG1).

    Awhile ago I took my dogs for a long walk not to far from here. I took the car to get there. After my 2 hour walk I returned to a lightversion of my car. No radio, no mirrors and no airbags!

    Ooh and if your really looking for a houseguest…I’m willing to take the position :o)

  15. Wait, you drive an Audi or other “prestige” brand, right? Did dealership not offer a loaner? Does your car insurance cover rental expense under these circumstances?

    If you are serious about taking a lodger, I’ll mention it to one of my Van friends.

  16. That’s the weirdest type of theft I’ve ever seen. I understand the catalytic converter thing, but that doesn’t make any sense to me. Start searching craigslist!

    As for the spare room situation, ya know, I’m looking for a new job…it might be fun to relocate to Vancouver for a while! I’ve got great friends in Seattle that I’d love to visit more often! 😉


  17. Hello Joe,

    I think I’ve solved yours and Akemi’s lodger problem – we, your loyal blog community, can pitch in and stay for 2 weeks at a time. We’ll each bring our own quirks, talents etc. For instance after my stay your library will be ship shape, you, Akemi and I could sit and scrapbook an album for each of the dogs…oh wait, you hate scrapbooking…um you can watch DVDs while we play… and I could make for you both blueberry & banana smoothies. The dogs will probably have fun with the shoes I leave lying around.

    Maybe everyone could come up with the interesting things they could add to your life…haha

    Over to everyone!!

    Cheers, Chev

  18. Bummer about the car mirrors, Mr. M. People are just so uncool.

    Dasndanger, you don’t have a ‘creaky’ floor, you have a highly desirable ‘nightingale floor’!

    And maybe a nightingale cat, too. 🙂

  19. Last year, right before school started, a bunch of shall we say punks went through our neighborhood with a baseball bat and smashed side mirrors and windshields on about 40 cars. Loads of fun was had by all. Particularly the insurance adjusters. Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot you can do in these cases. The police don’t even rate them very high on the list of crimes as they are low in property value lost. Ours was a bit different since it was a spree.

  20. Hey, Joe! I didn’t see my name on that list. I’ll be heading to Seattle in late March and could swing by Vancouver for the first week in April, so sign me up.

    @das: Asking for tips on how to play the bodhran – now that’s a novel approach; but I can see how it could be very effective. Thanks for the pictures. Let me know when they are playing next year – I might be able to come out for the Faire (but after hearing about the guest accommodations, I think I’ll get a hotel room). I’ll wear my bodice if you wear yours.

  21. Well, it looks like someone doesn’t understand the tradition of “birthday” and took something from you instead of giving. Heathens.

    That happened to a buddy of mine while we were at a bar in Philly 10 or so years ago. He had some sort of Nissan or Datsun sports car parked on the street. We emerged from the bar hours later only to find BOTH side view mirrors (the whole assembly, not just the glass) were surgically removed. We had to laugh.

  22. I love the racoon in the Over the Hedge Playstation game, not sure if they’d make good roommates.

    Sorry to see that vandalism, between that and those Greek/Italian/Global riots I’m losing faith in society. And me with no survivalist cabin, go figure.

    If you put some steel claws in Lawren’s hands and add an Elvis wig he’d look a lot like Wolverine, cool!

  23. I’ve heard of people stealing Camaro T-tops, electronics and such but never mirrors! You ARE parking the car in your garage, right?

    jojo: great idea! He could have “guest stars” on the blog!!!

    Ganymede: interesting story!

    I’ve had my car broken into before. The window replacement costs more than what they stole out of the car. A friend of mine works in a high crime area in Memphis, TN. Her car has been broken into so often, she just leaves it unlocked now. She says it’s cheaper than repairing the lock or replacing the window. She leaves the car alarm activated but by the time she can get outside, the damage is done.

    Das: yes, one of my cats was caterwauling down the hall EARLY this morning. Probably carring a toy mouse or something…grumble….

    Good news: my 27lb cat is down to 25lbs! We have a couple more pounds to go.

  24. You can manufacture “rocket fuel” out of items purchased at Home Depot.
    …chemistry works.

    Were the side mirrors broken/smashed or “removed” with by a careful hand?
    …maybe someone was/is trying to send you a message of some sort Mr. Mallozzi.

    …”watch your back..Jack…Err..I..(..I mean *they*)…Joe.”?

    With no mirrors…you might never seem them or something coming.

    That odd but nifty move sounds like something right out of a potentially
    intriguing script for a TV show called The Transporter.

    Hmmm?…I wonder what might be coming in a box for Christmas addressed to Joseph
    from the higher up production offices of The Transporter?
    Just possibly two “life size” (wink wink..think think) mirrored disco balls
    made from two missing side mirrors?

    Just some odd wonders and ideas from my mostly wacked out imagination(s).

    Hey you know…an idea like that might’ve somehow worked on a show
    like The Transporter. involves the car in an intriguing way…and BIG (busted?) balls…and odd references to watching ones back/rear..and also something to do with
    the reflectiveness of light both coming and going etc…scattered all over everywhere…and onto everything/everyone.
    …and not to mention the ideas and the vusials of all of that could
    have been pretty nifty….with Frank shown to be thinking as the disco
    balls do their thing shining light all around in a dimly lit room.

    Alexander…please free free to “borrow” the idea.
    (wink wink…pink pink.)

  25. In that picture up above of Lawren…..he kind of looks like
    the character Henry from the show “Sanctuary” when Henry
    does his kind of half/semi changing into a werewolf type of move.

    Is there something that you’d like to tell all of us Lawren?

    ..and I’m not talking about that secret entrance to the “Joe Cave”
    that you found hidden behind the back wall of Mr. Mallozzi’s

  26. “circa 1985 Kelly LeBrock”

    Ah, yes, JeffW, Weird Science indeed. My husband would agree. Hell, I’m straight and I agree!

    We never leave our car unlocked, except once, and it had been gone through. Nothing was stolen because we never leave much in the car to steal. I’ve had yard decor stolen though, solar lights (my really cool LED cherry blossoms!) and a metal stand with a small glazed gazing ball. We figure bored teens.
    Your side mirrors? Hot on the black market!

  27. I know someone who might be interested in moving back to Vancouver. I’m positive, beyond all doubt, 100% sure he has no long term lease or any kind of lease anywhere and probably hasn’t for decades. If that’s one of your top requirements, he meets that one all right. If privileged information about the Illuminati is also a trait you’d like in a room-mate, PM me. (before winter hits :/ )

  28. That privileged Illuminati information–I was talking about the potential roommate, not me. No siree, I pride myself on my ignorance of the subject.

  29. Belated happy birthday! Sorry to hear you’re losing your houseguest. But Akemi will probably appreciate some quality time alone with you once he has exited the scene. And tell her to hold off on the racoon nursury; they’re onery creatures. Better she invest in ferrets. If nothing else they can’t put up as much of a fight as the racoons should you need the space for another viistor.
    Feels very odd to be away on holiday, and suprisingly hard to keep up with online things. Still. you’re high on the list of must see sites. so I shouldn’t miss too much while I escape reality. Thanks for sharing and again, happy belated B day.

  30. Uh oh:
    >>>Ivon B
    Damn, this is my favourite blog of the year… Fun-E!<<

    Do we now have a suspect for the remover of your mirrors? lol

  31. So no one wanted your mirrors while you were in Toronto? I guess someone needed a fix. And if someone really didn’t like you, after you get the car back you’ll find a paper bag on your doorstep from the pug liberation army (PLA) with the mirror glass in it.

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