Look at her, all Hollywood!

Yesterday, I receive an email from my old friend/onset nemesis Tara.  She wrote: “o pass the time on set, I’m playing a game called “Blind Portrait”; I approach people on set and ask if they would like their portrait drawn by me–but it has to be done with my eyes closed. I’m quite brilliant at it. I didn’t want you to feel left out, so here is a photo of the one I drew of you. I’ve annotated it for clarity. I’ve also signed it. It’ll be worth a great deal some day.  Anyway, your schnitzel stories have been boring me, so I thought this might help spice up your blog. I’m sure your readers will note the resemblance.”

Intrigued, I clicked on the attachment, half-expecting a nasty virus would be instantly uploaded onto my computer.  Instead, this is what greeted me (and, possibly, a trojan virus)…

A couple of points.

1. She does a nice job of capturing my soulless eyes and mocking smile.  Most photos don’t even do them justice.

2. Why am I bald?

3. My shirts are, of course, not ridiculous but very tasteful.  I received many compliments from Damion in the costume department.  Of course, sometimes, Damion also wears a kilt to work.

4. Not sure about the collar.  Mine are less starchy, much more relaxed to compliment my equally relaxed personality.

5. Maximus is a nice addition and he appreciates being included.

Portrait of the artist as a young nerd.

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to turn this blog over to Tara – actress, publicist, and most loquacious stand-in in North America (a 54 year old Belgian holds the European distinction) – by having you grill her.  When I told her I wanted her to do a Q&A, she thought I was kidding little realizing that I NEVER KID. She eventually agreed but insisted I overestimated reader interest in her.   Silly, no?

Prove her wrong.  Post your questions for the lovely (kinda weird) Miss Yelland.

How much does Bubba love doggy daycare?  THIS much –

Well, thanks to all the computer experts who weighed in.  Holding the power button for 20 seconds did, indeed, force a shutdown – and when my laptop restarted, my dock and desktop icons were restored.  Many thanks for your help.  And, hey, while I’ve got your attention, my car keeps making this knocking sound…

I am writing this blog entry from sunny (but windy) Montreal.  We made the trip in record time, shaving about an hour off the Garmin’s ETA and arriving just in time for lunch…

The kids were incredibly well-behaved. Not once did they ask "Are we there yet?".
Apparently, dog butts make better pillows than...er...pillows.
Lunch with mom.
The spread: home made pizza, pickled eggplant, crab mousse, sweet and spicy peppers.
Lamb, ribs, and sweet and spicy sausage.
Home made Milanese salami from - where else? - Milan.

I finally got the chance to pass along a gift for mom, compliments of blog regular Shirt ‘n ‘Tie.  He managed to secure an autographed copy of Circle of Friends signed by mom’s favorite author, Maeve Binchy.  It was MUCH appreciated.

Thanks, Paul!

@iom666 – Thanks for the invite but I’m only in town for three days, on the West Island, and my schedule is packed with visits to relatives.  I return for a lengthier stay at year’s end.  Maybe then?

39 thoughts on “September 16, 2011: Tara Yelland wants to hear from you! Road Trip!!!

  1. You never kid? Man, I’m going to have to re-read your entire blog. Yay! Now I don’t have to run a yardsale to earn money for the book sale.

    About the knocking sound your car is making, turn up the radio. Works every time.

  2. I think that Tera was a bombshell when she was young. And hasn’t changed a 1one bit. She can draw me anytime. 🙂

  3. Loved the dog, food, and Mom pictures.

    It seems that Tara has you down pretty well. 🙂 Here’s a couple of questions for her: 1) Where did you get the outfit in the second picture? 2) What is Joe’s most interesting quality??

    Have a great time in Montreal!!!!

  4. Joe,
    The picture looks ok but did you loose your eye-brows at some point along with your hair, 😀

    also a question for Tara, ‘You seem to have a wicked sense of humor, so any stories or jokes you’d be willing to share for a laugh?

  5. Hey Joe’s mom! Nice to see you again.

    I’m so glad Tara captured Maximus in the picture. A man with soul-less eyes cannot love a dog as much as you, so immediately that negates the picture.

    Questions for Tara:
    1. I saw on IMDB you were in the series Odyssey 5– good show — another show cancelled before its time. Are you a fan of science fiction?

    2. What is a typical day like for you?

    3. Is Joe funny?

    4. Do you have pets?

    5. What is the strangest thing that has ever happened to you in your life?

    6. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

    7. What are some of the songs in a current playlist on your IPod/MP3 player?

    I can come up with LOTS more, but I’ll give others a chance.

  6. Best regards to your mom. She looks great–very healthy.

    Next time you & I are in the same town, Joe (or anyone else), I will share my new and possibly long-term culinary experiences. Saw a dietician yesterday to map out a plan to help me avoid fructose and my other intolerance triggers. Feeling positive about the potential benefits, despite the adjustment inconveniences. (For example of latter, avoiding travel and some local restaurants until I settle into “new normal”.) Nice to feel I’ve regained some control of my body.

  7. Another spectacular lunch spread; everything looks so good! I almost ruined my keyboard with all the droolin’ I was doing over that feast and the gorgeous platter of lamb, ribs and sausage. Your mom looks fit and lovely; again with that Mallozzi youth gene. Are you guys bathing in that Meaningful Beauty stuff from Cindy Crawford?

    I’m so happy you guys are in Montreal, woo hoo! Here’s a little Francoise Hardy for you guys; she reminds me of a french Akemi. BTW does anyone know how to get to the character maps in Windows 7? Where will I be without my tildes and circumflexes? Trapped in an old Electric Company episode, that’s where.

  8. Question for Tara: 1) celebrating my 30th birthday what’s the one thing I should do in the next year.
    2) what is the best/worst experience working in this business?

    Hi Joe’s mom 🙂

  9. Hey Shiny,

    Look in Start/All Programs/Accessories/System Tools
    Once you’re there you can right click and Pin it to the taskbar or Start manu if you use it a lot.

  10. Hi Tara,
    When did you realize that you were a steampunk?
    If Joe were a steampunk who would he be?
    What is your least favorite Stargate episode & why?


  11. The only thing good about that picture Tara drew of you is her signature. That looks awesome, but why are there bullet holes in your shirt? And why do you have on a Judge Judy dress collar? Maximus looks like Picasso drew him. I’ll have to think of some questions for Tara.

    Mrs. Mallozzi looks fabulous! Isn’t it good to be home with all the home cooked meals again. Be sure and take lots of pictures of everything while there for us.

    (pssst. . . in that last picture of your mom and her new book . . . what is Bubba doing in the background?? Looks like he is “lifting” something. Crazy dog!)

  12. Hi Joe

    Maybe it’s a guy under your car that wants out….

    @Shiny – My daughter says “Click the Start Menu” then “type Character Map in the find box at the bottom”


  13. @Joe:

    On your car knocking noise: why don’t you record it and post the recording?

    On my daughter’s car, a knocking noise turned out to be a broken exhaust pipe hanger…

  14. Hi Tara,
    1. What is the best thing about Joe?
    2. What is the worst thing about Joe?
    3. What has been the one thing that has been the most fun for you this year?
    4. What is the strangest comment someone has said to you?
    5. What is the strangest comment you have said to someone else?
    6. Have you had a perfect day? What happened, why was it perfect?
    7. What is one thing you could change about yourself/your life/the world?

  15. Hi Joe, both your mom and the food look fantastic! You’re a lucky guy. 🙂 Did Bubba lift his leg on the leg of the chair? Love the artwork, you must frame it! Enjoy your time with your family!

  16. LOVED the video! What a happy doggie!
    @Penny’s 30th— you young whippersnapper. I’ll be 55 on Sunday. Enjoy youth while you have it!

    Glad the computer shut down and all is good!

    Your mom looks great!

  17. And the fun begins, great blog, food, friends and family and puppies. Yippee.Enjoy the weekend, glad the laptop is working again.
    I agree with the others, mom does look great and her food always is a welcome sight. haha, just in time for lunch, thats a good one.. its all in the planning.

  18. @Debra: Thanks 🙂 hope your 55th is as exciting as your 22nd :). I never thought about age, life just keeps rolling on by! It’s kind of scary if you let your mind run away with “what ifs”

  19. Belated congratulations to you and Akemi. It’s good to hear she will be around longer.

    I was going to tell you about this a few months ago, but as you well know… Life gets busy. A band from the Netherlands I follow recently released a comic series in conjunction with their CD called “The Unforgiving”, supposedly it is becoming more and more popular in the US. Knowing how you are a fan of comics I thought you might be interested.
    You can see the style of it from this link:

    Also… Yeah.. Why are you bald in that drawing. I hope for your sake it’s not a future portrait.

    Have a good one.

  20. Hey Joe, thank you for the response.
    I’ll wait until December. I just wanted to shake your hand, have a drink with you and thank you in person for the thrills you gave me via the Stargate series (SGU in particular). Maybe a tweet-up. Can’t promise, just want something simple with no headache.

    Do you like current Montreal weather ? The temperature shifted from summer to autumn a couple of days ago. I love this. 9 °C, awesome!! I hate the humidity and having the AC on. This is the perfect temperature for a nice walk around. No humidity, no windshield and no snow… yet.
    This is the best weather to visit and enjoy Montreal.
    Take care

    P.S: look at that, you now can post in wordpress using a twitter account. Coooool

  21. Here are some questions for the ever so popular Miss Tara Yelland:

    1. Have you gotten to borrow the Audi yet and take it home for the weekend?

    2. Why do you think Joe calls you Lemur-eyes?

    3. Did you have any nicknames for Joe?

    4. Do you have a favorite Transporter: The Series episode yet?

    5. Joe once said you ate 3+ pieces of blueberry pie – more than any of the crew guys. What do you eat to keep so trim?

    6. Who is your favorite cast or crew member?

    7. Do you have a favorite Steampunk writer?

    8. Did Joe “not-Paul” ever get on your nerves? What was he doing?

    Tara thanks for letting Joe take your picture so much. You are very pretty and have a great sense of humor. You helped make his blog very entertaining. Good luck!

  22. I’ve been a lurker on your blog for yonks, following your adventures in Toronto, your fantastic dining experiences and your marvellous pups, but this is the first time I’ve ventured to say anything … THANK YOU for recommending “Old Man’s War” by John Scalzi. I finished reading it today. What a great book! Well-written and quite funny in parts. And I reckon someone could make a great sci-fi TV series out of this premise, too.. Spooky thing was the “Battle of Coral” … this is the same name as a fight Aussie troops were involved in during Vietnam. A good friend of mine was wounded in this but hardly anyone has actually heard of it … quite a coincidence. Anyway, thank you again for the recommendation!

  23. Hey Joe

    Hope you waved as you went through Oshawa. I’m off to see my parents in about an hour from now. They’re just east of Goderich.

    @Debra – I’m 54, growing old sucks doesn’t it.


  24. Have a great time with your mom!

    For Tara:
    1. Do you like to read? If so, what are some of your favorite books/authors?
    2. What TV show(s) would you most like to guest star on?
    3. What do you enjoy most and least about being a stand-in?

  25. Where’s the knock coming from? Are you using premium gas? (I can’t imagine your Audi (or Infiniti? It’s a Q-something) runs good on low-octane gas)

    Could be a loose muffler (as JeffW suggested) or even something in the suspension.

    Why pay a mechanic/dealer beaucoup bucks when a group of anonymous internet stalk..er…strang…er…people can do it for you!? lol

  26. @ Echelon:
    How can someone not know Within Temptation? It’s one of the greatest metal bands together with Nightwish and Eluveitie, EVER!
    Puhh, you just shocked me…

    I’d like to ask Tara:
    1) What was you first job in the industry?
    2) What would be your dream role as an actress?
    3) Was there ever anything besides acting you considered doing for living?
    4) Who is your favourite actor/actress?
    5) What is your favourite dish?
    and most important (ha, ha…)
    6) Do you actually know how hot you look in a leather jacket?

    Thaaaaaank you, Joe!

    Btw, please ask your mom if I can move in, the food looks fantastic!

  27. I’m glad your computer problem is over. I thought turning off the power is the first thing you would have done but maybe, you’ve never had a device completely lock up before. I’ve never had my laptop lock up like that but my ereader/mp3 player have. Not fun. I’m glad you saved the wear/tear on your laptop battery by not letting it drain down. If anyone from Apple reads your blog, maybe you could get a free computer or at least, a free service call?

    The food looks awesome! You mom must be a great cook. What is her best dish?

    Thank you, for the dog pictures!

    I have all my desserts made. The peach pies are in the freezer and are ready to deep fry. That probably doesn’t mean much to you (not liking fruity desserts) but to a southerner, a fried peach pie equals ambrosia.

    Questions for Tera:

    Dog or cat person? Where are you from? Where would you like to live most?

  28. Whew, had a scare with our 10-year-old this week when the eye doc said he might be at risk of losing vision in his right eye. Fortunately, a specialist said she is pretty sure he will regain his vision with contacts and a months-long regimen of very expensive therapy.

    For Tara,

    Now that Joe is losing you as nemesis, what qualities would you advise him to look for in a new nemesis?

    What is involved in being a stand-in?

    What would you like to be doing professionally five years from now?

  29. HI Mr M

    And more importantly hello to Mama Mallozzi!! Delighted that the book arrived safely. Also thrilled that she is thrilled!! Maeve doesn’t make too many public appearances anymore….but being Ireland…a friend of a friend managed to snaffle the book her way. Like all authors, she is genuinely thrilled to hear of her fans!

    In any case, warmest wishes to all the Mallozzi family. We still make the Mallozzi Friendship cake (recipe provided via Mama Mallozzi on this blog waaay back in July 2008) The recipe is taped onto the dresser in the kitchen…so we get the “meex” right!!

    Best wishes to one and all


    AKA Shirt’n’Tie

  30. Just a quickie (still crazy busy, etc)…

    Give mom a hug for me! Enjoy your weekend!

    And why the hell didn’t you ever post pictures of Damion in a kilt??! You have failed me, Joe…you have failed me. 🙁


  31. Glad your mac is fixed – don’t forget the deep reset trick that Amicus gave you (yep, same person – different iMac – different ID 🙂 – and hope those PC scare mongers didn’t upset you too much – they do get a tad jealous sometimes …… :o)

    Perth Western Australia

  32. Joe,

    Earlier i mentioned some issues with Safari. Tried to watch your little Video and it promptly crashed. Yes Jobs and Company do have an arrogant side. Firefox works fine.

    Food looks Fantastic. I see your mom has a shadow, funny.

    For Tara, What qualities did the producers find in you that gave you this current Gig? Are they different than the other roles you had? What is the most difficult thing you find in your carreer?

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