Joseph Mallozzi's Weblog

August 21, 2011: Daredevil Eats at the CNE! The Return of the Weird Food Purchase of the Day!

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Today, we hit the CNE (Canadian National Exhibit).  My goal: to eat as much crap as possible.  And, I’m pleased to report, this mission was a huge success…

My back-up on this day: Akemi, Carl, and Karen. They were on hand to eat what I couldn't finish and, if need be, call an ambulance on my behalf.
Akemi foolishly filling up on healthy calories.
Carl's "Your gonna eat what?!" look.

We arrived a little before 1:00 p.m. and ignored the solitary concessions, games, and rides, heading straight for the giant food court.  I was on a mission…

We arrive at Food Central. Let the games begin!
Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. Everything looks so not good…

Finally, we find what I’m looking for – my reason for making this trip…

The Luthor! A cheeseburger topped with lettuce, tomato, bacon, and a fried egg sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. And only 1500 calories.

So, how was it?

Carl was NOT a fan of the sweet doughnut/burger combination but I thought it worked just fine.  It was actually the fried egg I had a problem with.

Anyway, with the Luthor under my belt, I was free to adopt a more scattershot approach to my menu selections.  Next up was some not bad deep-fried chocolate fudge (see tomorrow’s entry for the video) followed by…

Deep-fried mac 'n cheese curds.

While everyone else was taking a breather, I swung by another booth and picked up a medley of treats…

From bottom left clockwise: deep fried Jo Louis, deep fried Mars Bar, and deep fried Twinkie.
Rather than go with the deep fried pickle, Akemi elected to go with plain old plain. Crazy, no?

We intended to head back only discover it was pouring rain outside.  So headed back inside and killed time by walking around – and eating some more.  I sampled some deep-fried coca cola (I believe they deep-fried the syrup and the result resembled a brown funnel cake).  I also picked up some wings at this place that offered choices ranging from mild to suicide.  When I ordered the suicide, the girls at the counter chuckled.  They told me it was because the suicide was insanely hot but I suspect it was actually because they knew I’d be disappointed by their weak kick.

Lonely boy eating his wings.

At this point, Akemi began to fear for my life and suggested it was time to go.  It had stopped raining so we headed out.  Along the way, we happened by a few more concessions…

Hot waffle ice cream sandwich.
We were almost at the exit when THIS caught my eye.

 How the hell do you deep fry butter?  Well, I’m glad you asked!

First you take the butter…
Then you dip them in batter…
Then, fry 'em up…
Top with various syrups and serve. Bon Appetit!

And that was it!  Oh, except for this –

Deep fried cherry aid.

Okay.  At this point, I started feeling a little dizzy, no doubt a result of the drop in barometric pressure.  So we decided to call it a day.

Homeward bound!
Carl and Karen will no doubt be back next weekend.

All in all, a truly memorable outing.

I was so full that I figured I wouldn’t eat until breakfast tomorrow.

But got hungry at around 7:00 p.m. and cooked up some insanely hot peppers and scallops.  Fortunately, I was able to cool down with some Haagen Dazs vanilla ice cream.

Needless to say, I fully expect NOT to sleep comfortably through the night.

Tomorrow, I try to tackle the mailbag!

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51 responses

  1. majorsal Avatar
    majorsal

    hmm… food orgy.

    works for me!! :p

    Reply
  2. Sparrow_hawk Avatar
    Sparrow_hawk

    Pleasant dreams, Joe!

    Reply
  3. sylvia Avatar
    sylvia

    Yuuuuummmm! Very cool expedition and great finds. The fried butter looks/sounds interesting. Yeah…waffle ice cream sandwich. Now I’m hungry again. But…not gonna do anything insanely or otherwise hot/spicy. Gotta get up early tomorrow.

    Waves to Akemi, Carl and Karen for trying to keep you out of trouble.

    Reply
  4. Gilder Avatar
    Gilder

    Oh, Joe, you have me almost in tears. My gut is STILL uncooperative. I fear i’ll be living on plain baked potatoes, grits, and white rice for the rest of my life!

    OK, rant over, nothing to see here…

    Reply
  5. Airelle Avatar
    Airelle

    OH MY GOSH!! Did they carry you out of there, What kind of nightmares did you have? Looks like a wonderful time. Now I am hungry, and nothing in the house compares to what you all ate, what fun. thanks for sharing! I think I am with you on the iffy egg, but that burger looks delicious, glazed donuts,!!. On man, thanks again.

    Reply
  6. Pamme Avatar
    Pamme

    Yikes! I can’t believe you can eat all that… and keep it down.

    Reply
  7. Lisa R Avatar
    Lisa R

    And you’re NOT in the hospital?? Joe, I have to say I’m impressed. 🙂 Hope you’re able to sleep tonight.

    Have a good night!!!! (well as good as you can with all that food in your stomach, LOL)

    Reply
  8. Ganymede Avatar
    Ganymede

    TWO WORDS:

    Tapeworm Extreme!

    Reply
  9. Thornyrose Avatar
    Thornyrose

    Tomorrow’s report is going to be interesting. It’s going to be fun seeing how you handled the after effects of the binge. thanks for sharing, and looking forward to the mailbag.

    Reply
  10. SiSi Avatar
    SiSi

    This made me both queasy and hungry . . .

    Reply
  11. Nola Avatar
    Nola

    OMG! Food orgy is right. I can’t imagine eating all that fried and sweet stuff. Hope you don’t suffer any ill effects.

    Reply
  12. EnzoAquarius Avatar
    EnzoAquarius

    Hey Joe,

    How in the world are you able to handle all that food?! The Luthor would be more than enough. Hell, when I go, I have a hot dog for lunch, burger for dinner (I forget what it’s called, but there’s a great burger joint near the west entrance of the Food Building IIRC), and end with Tiny Toms. You go beyond the extreme with fried foods!

    Glad you had a good time and that the pouring rain didn’t hamper your mood!

    How was the deep fried butter and mac & cheese? I’m hoping to go to the CNE next week and I’m trying to figure out what exactly I want to try out.

    All the best!

    Reply
  13. max Avatar
    max

    Tell us about the prostate comment… :O

    Reply
  14. maggiemayday Avatar
    maggiemayday

    I couldn’t possibly fit that all in my tummy. But I’d surely try! Maybe all the cholesterol would slow my fast heart rate as it plugged up the extraneous arteries.

    I do love sweet and savory combinations, and I sometimes eat fried eggs on my waffles with syrup, so I can see how the donut burger might work. I can’t have the tomatoes, so perhaps a slice of pineapple and red onions instead of white?

    Fried butter? I’m a huge fan of Chicken Kiev, even though I’ve not had any in decades, mmmm melty butter and breading….. mmm. I’m sold.

    I’ve had fried pickle slices, nummy, but best in small quantities. Too salty for me, and I’m not a fan of the ubiquitous ranch dressing dipping sauce.

    Suicide wings? I’m a wussy, but my hubby can feast on ghost pepper sauce and not blink. My friend got a bottle for his birthday, and those who sampled it turned red and had sniffly noses… except MyLarry. He’s a freak.

    Reply
  15. Jay Avatar
    Jay

    Where did you find the cheese curds! I’m dyyyying to try them!

    Reply
  16. dasndanger Avatar
    dasndanger

    The video won’t show a picture for me. 🙁

    Also, out of respect for Akemi, I will refrain from making comment about her pickle. (You knew I’d read something into that, didn’t you? I’m pretty sure you just bait me with these things.)

    And lastly, I’ve come to the conclusion that either you have a tapeworm (nods to Ganymede), or you are bulimic. I mean, afterall, wasn’t it your ancestors who made a practice of vomiting after huge meals? 😉

    Boy, if memory serves me, over the past week or so we’ve (well, I’ve…in my imagination) established that you are very much like your Roman ancestors. All that’s missing are the orgies! 😀

    Sweet dreams, sir! You MUST share tonight’s dreams with us; after what you’ve eaten I’m sure they’ll be doozies!

    das

    Reply
  17. DP Avatar
    DP

    I’m so jealous of your manly gall bladder and heroic insulin balance.

    Did you eat all that food or were you sampling?

    Waffle and ice cream – not so strange. On a waffle is the only way I’ll eat cherry vanilla ice cream.

    @Gilder – Have you heard of the GAPS diet? It sounds so complicated, but I know some folks who have been happy with it.

    Reply
  18. Lewis Avatar
    Lewis

    Deep fried butter… and Paula Deen wasn’t there?

    What is a Jo Louis??

    –I have never heard of it before

    Reply
  19. Ponytail Avatar
    Ponytail

    My stomach hurts now after reading this blog! Didn’t anyone have a Fried Pepto Bismol booth near the exit? I don’t think I’d like the doughnut burger. That’s just gross. Thanks for sharing your awesome day with your awesome friends.

    Reply
  20. Bilo&Bella Avatar
    Bilo&Bella

    Do you have some sort of alien stomach or metabolism to eat ALL of that?

    Reply
  21. DP Avatar
    DP

    @das – I’m pretty sure he’s just baiting you with this stuff, too.

    Reply
  22. Sg1efc Avatar
    Sg1efc

    The Luther’s actually look pretty tasty, could probably eat 2 of them, maybe 3. I base this on the fact that I can be quite a pig, known to eat 3 Wendy’s triple cheeseburger meals at a time including all the large fries, LoL. 🙂

    Reply
  23. sparced Avatar
    sparced

    i think i’d be sick for days after eating all that. The burger looked the worst with that egg in the middle.

    Reply
  24. crayonbaby Avatar
    crayonbaby

    I was too busy giggling at this post. I must re-read it later. My stomach would have given up on that first bite. You have a stomach of steel. I really want to see how they deep fry fudge.

    Reply
  25. @iom666 Avatar
    @iom666

    Out of curiosity, I’d like to know if you are born in Canada Joe ?
    I am asking because your name is Italian, so I wonder.
    Also, we, Euros, (I’m French BTW and living in Quebec) have a serious trouble to mix sweet and salty, and God knows that in Quebec they keep mixing Maple syrup with everything, meat, fried stuffs and maple syrup all over it, and I see you eating that Alien burger O-o. To me it tastes like if someone had mixed the dessert with the entrée and is forcing you to eat it (’cause of my European heritage, I consider dessert to be sugar and main course+entrée to be rather salty but never sweet). salt and sugar together really tastes like Alien food to me !

    Reply
  26. dasndanger Avatar
    dasndanger

    @ DP – So who’s the perv – the one baiting, or the one who gets hooked?

    @ Joey – Two questions for the mailbag:

    1. Have you ever read Smoke by Alex de Campi (a double sized three-ish mini)?

    2. A while ago I asked this question of Akemi. I had mentioned seeing a movie set in modern Japan, and was surprised that – considering how technologically advanced and ultra-modern cities such as Tokyo are – much of Japan seemed very…for lack of a better word, primative. Few luxuries, minimal electronics, older decor and housewares. Much of the story took place in a fishing village, so perhaps that played a factor. So, my questions – Are there still large portions of Japan that are not quite as modernized as we imagine? Are commercial establishments more likely to reflect modernization than private homes? And do the Japanese hold onto possessions longer, perhaps passing them down through the generations, instead of always buying new like we do here in our western throw away culture?

    Any input would be appreciated! Thankies in advance!

    das

    Reply
  27. dasndanger Avatar
    dasndanger

    PS @ Joe – I know ‘primative’ isn’t the right word in my post above. Unsophisticated? Humble? Simplistic? Not really sure what word I’m looking for…but basically I get a sense that the Japanese have held onto more of their past than we here in the Americas do, where if your sofa is more than 5 years old you have to toss it for a new one.

    das

    Reply
  28. ben Avatar
    ben

    Mr. M, that picture with the pickle is not very subtle, but out of respect, I won’t say more.

    But seriously, how are you still alive, man? 1500 calories in just a burger? That’s like 3 heavy meals for me, and I’ve been doing powerlifting and bodybuilding for the last 3 years.

    Have you ever tried powerlifting? The premise is simple. One eats, trains and attempts to lift the heaviest weight one can. No dieting involved. Imagine being able to lift in excess of 500 pounds with your bare hands, that’d be quite something, wouldn’t it? You already have the appetite for it.

    Reply
  29. Fredrik wedebrand Avatar
    Fredrik wedebrand

    Hi Joseph!

    I’m a trained stuntman and have experience infront of the camera and have taken drama classes.
    Can i send photos etc. of me for audition somewhere?
    Please respend via email.

    Best wishes
    Fredrik Wedebrand

    Reply
  30. jojo Avatar
    jojo

    Carl, I have so missed your face in Joe’s pictures. thanks for coming in to back up Joe and to go along with him on his adventures. I enjoy the pictures and the write up immensely.

    Reply
  31. E Avatar
    E

    Mailbag, eh. So I’ll try again with my questions.

    What was on the photo Greer was looking at in the end of “Space”?

    There was an episode titled “Faith” in season 1, “Hope” in season 2. Would’ve there been “Love” in season 3? 😛

    Hypothetically speaking, how do you think PTB would’ve handled Alaina’s current pregnancy? If SGU had lasted past season 2.

    Thanks!

    Reply
  32. Patricia Lee Avatar
    Patricia Lee

    Hi Joe,
    I was wondering if anyone else is having trouble lately with playing your embedded videos. I never had trouble before so have you changed anything that would require me to load anything to view them?

    Any trouble shooting suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you

    Cheers 😛

    Reply
  33. Tam Dixon Avatar
    Tam Dixon

    Great post! I cringed when I read about the fried butter yesterday. How much of the fried butter snack did you eat?
    We tried going to a fair and eating like a teenager,…once. That evening was not fun and cemented a more healthy approach to food in my brain FOREVER!

    The Binder’s make such a cute couple!

    Any luck getting that Twitter account up and running?

    So sorry Gilder for your tummy troubles! I was on a diet when I was pregnant, gestational diabetes. It came as a big surprise to me/my drs but diabetes must be the only thing I inherited from my American Indian grandmother. I’ve always been very thin and have never had to diet. That was my only brush with dieting and I learned I never want to diet again! It is hard to cut out the foods you love/crave! Sending hugs to you!
    ‘

    Reply
  34. Sue Jackson Avatar
    Sue Jackson

    Good for Akemi for choosing to eat healthily. 🙂 For the rest of you eating all that junk, I think yous need to get your cholesterol checked. Joe, I can’t believe you ate that donut burger. Just looking at that gives me a tummy ache. And…deep fried butter??? Ick! I hope they had EMTs standing by just in case someone went into cardiac arrest. Think I’ll go eat something healthy like a banana. 🙂

    Q: I would love to see Transporter: The Series, would you know which network will be showing the series? Will we be able see it in the U.S.?

    Reply
  35. xxxevilgrinxxx Avatar
    xxxevilgrinxxx

    *the horror….the horror*

    watching you eat that Luthor burger was terrifying…and compelling.
    Better you than me 🙂

    Reply
  36. Sparrow_hawk Avatar
    Sparrow_hawk

    Good morning, Joe! I hope you slept better than you expected. I would have reflux soooooooo bad if I at any of that. I would love to try the fried butter – does it kind of merge with the batter or is there a little pocket of melted butter goodness like in a Chicken Kiev (as maggiemayday suggested)? The rest of it – not so much.

    @Akemi – I would have gone for the sweet corn and plain pickle, too.

    Reply
  37. Debra Avatar
    Debra

    @DP
    I’m so jealous of your manly gall bladder and heroic insulin balance.

    ROFLMAO. I wonder what his cholesterol level is.

    Reply
  38. Pepper Smith Avatar
    Pepper Smith

    My husband has gotten addicted to watching Man vs. Food Nation, and this so reminded me of watching that show…

    Reply
  39. sylvia Avatar
    sylvia

    ahhh, the video finally engaged after I turneed puter on this morning.
    I’d love to try one of them burgers – love burgers and love Krispy Kremes. But, agree, think the egg is not necessary. And you are so very right it is healthy with tomato and lettuce. How do we know that? Because Akemi was eating the healthy parts – lettuce. Looked like Karen also gravitated to the healthier parts of that burger too.

    SMART ladies!!

    Reply
  40. susiekew Avatar
    susiekew

    while i was at our county fair this year, i was standing in line for my annual corndog and i had time to kill (long line!) so i was looking around at the other concessions signs. and i saw something that would have fit right in with your day of deep fried delicacies.

    deep fried bacon. yep, now you can get your fat deep fried in more
    fat! not having your iron constitution or your sense of adventure (or self destruction) i declined my hubbys invitation to ‘check it out’ (in husband-speak that decodes as laughing hysterically as i choke on something disgusting)

    Reply
  41. Shiny Avatar
    Shiny

    The deep fried mac n’ cheese made me weep. So lovely, sniff! I thought I loved mac n’ cheese but that is just beautiful.

    I braised lovely pork cutlets over the weekend; they were very marbled and were super juicy. Tonight it is finally time for eggplant parmesan; can’t wait! I’ll be roasting the eggplant slices in butter and olive oil to see if I can get them crispier this time around. Plus I have Wonderbread for the crumbs.

    Reply
  42. Duptiang. Avatar
    Duptiang.

    MMMMM, fun fun! My state fair is this week where you an get anything fried and on a stick. Not to confuse, but Pronto Pups are not your normal corn dog. Sweet Martha’s cookies so fresh the chocolate still oozes, etc. Akemi does that japanese fashion trend proud of short skirts, tights with boots.

    Reply
  43. charles parr Avatar
    charles parr

    One Stargate SGU related comment more than a question….Eureka was recently canceld but one more episode was ordered for them to try and wrap things up. It’s saddening that SGU didnt even get that opportunity….was one more one hour ep ever an option….I hate that we won’t see the ending…seriously one of my all time favorite tv shows ever and at 32 years of age I watch a lot of TV lol, been with Stargate since the begining.

    Reply
  44. for the love of Beckett Avatar
    for the love of Beckett

    Joe, the blog is rapidly reaching the “Not Safe to Read At…” status. There’s no guarantee anyone can be quiet as a mouse anymore. 😀 You are terrific w/ food drama. Did you really eat all that food, or did you sample it?

    I laughed so hard that Sassy Dad wanted to know what was so hilarious. Read him your deep-fried menu du jour. He replied, “Oh man, just hearing that makes my gut hurt!” And he can eat, too. In his younger days (farm boy, football jock, shot put hurler), he put away 6,000 calories a day. You probably topped that today!

    Das, thanks for the Jack White video yesterday. It reminded me of a Wraith doing “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” 🙂 Glad you liked the sea shanty/Robin Hood videos. I wish they would hurry up and make the next movie!

    Reply
  45. joaniec Avatar
    joaniec

    Oh, no…I don’t feel well….

    Quick – get away from the blog!!!!

    Reply
  46. Penny Avatar
    Penny

    I knew you couldn’t resist the deep fried butter!! I will take pics (hopefully at the same table) and try some weird food, but not the burger!!

    Reply
  47. Kevin Avatar
    Kevin

    Joe, how are you not dead from a host of cardiac & gastric problems today?

    Reply
  48. Elminster Avatar
    Elminster

    Hey Joe

    So, you didn’t like the fried egg on your burger. A favourite of mine is a hamburger patty with a fried egg and 2 slices of cheese stuck in bread and done like grilled cheese. I think they call them “Cheese Melts” but I just call them good.

    Elminster

    Reply
  49. glenncalderon Avatar
    glenncalderon

    Awesome!

    Reply
  50. Mona Avatar
    Mona

    woww I’m impressed with the doughnut burger thing…. where did you buy that ? @Joe

    Reply
  51. Luis Avatar
    Luis

    All that Eating and is it safe to say you do not gain any mass amount of weight???

    Reply

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