No, not MY wedding day. Today, I attend the wedding of Lawrence, my oldest and most annoying friend. I was thrilled to receive the official invite earlier this year and dropped him an email to let him know:
I’m in! I had our office assistant send back the official response today. I noticed there was hardly any room to add additional guests to the invitation but I managed to squeeze in about twelve extra names before I ran out of space.
A few requests:
Please seat me at the table with the single hot women (or, failing that, the taken hot women who are woefully unhappy in their present relationships).
Please change the venue to somewhere a little more accessible. Your buddy no longer lives in Montreal and doesn’t know the area as well as he used to.
Please forward me the menu asap so I can make any necessary requests and/or changes.
Please ensure your wedding cake includes marzipan. I know a lot of people don’t like it, but I LOVE IT!
Please make sure it’s an open bar. I plan to get really drunk and cause a scene like you did at my wedding (or maybe John did. I can’t remember.)
P.S. Where should I send copies of my airplane ticket so that I can be reimbursed for the trip?”
Lawrence wrote back to inform me that he was working on my requests, then proceeded to give me a rundown of what would be expected of me on the day. Turns out I was scheduled to be a member of the wedding party! Unfortunately, my own schedule would not get me into town in time for the rehearsal dinner, so I had to break the news:
I’m afraid I might have to limit my play-by-play commentary during the ceremony to the audience. I’m going to be flying in Friday and won’t be able to make the rehearsal.”
To which Lawrence responded:
The guests will be disappointed. Especially once they meet you.
Good thing you are highly skilled in dance, song and pantomime. In addition, your extensive study of eating means you will not need the dinner rehearsal. I will send you the study guide and homework to do at home. I am confident you won’t embarrass us.”
Famous last words. The prospect of not knowing all the dance steps or walking in the wrong door during the ceremony led me to fire off another missive:
The way my schedule is lining up, it’s going to be very difficult for me to be part of the wedding party. I would suggest either: a) going on without me or, b) rescheduling your wedding to fall on Christmas week when I’ll have more time.
Let me know which works best for you.”
Lawrence wasted no time in responding:
“Buddy. No problem. Your role is easy. As long as you are there on the 10th we are good. Got you your tie and pocket scarf. And a gift All you need is a black suit and White shirt. French cuff recommended. No other duties than looking good. Well, we can skip that too.”
I wrote back: “Buddy, I was hoping my presence would be my gift.”
He wrote back: “Buddy. You made a typo. It’s “presents” not “presence”.
I’d resigned myself to the fact that I was to be a member of the wedding party – with absolutely no preparation. Lawrence insisted it wouldn’t be a problem, but I had to wonder: If it wasn’t going to be problem, why the need for a rehearsal dinner? Anyway, about a week before the wedding, he sent me the following:
“Sunday – need to be at my folks by around 12:00 (noon). There will be pictures then a limo to the club. At the club I just need you to sample the food and ask people’s weight when they arrive. Then, of course, you are giving away the groom.
I have a tie and cufflinks for you (something special for my buddy) and ask that you wear a dark navy blue or black suit, with a white French cuff shirt.
My buddy’s name is already printed on the program so you cannot miss it now. Plus, you will have to be announced to walk in before the reception. Don’t worry buddy, it will be nothing too embarrassing. Not until John has a few drinks. I have also put you at the family table, because after my sister, you are pretty much a second sister to me.”
Yes, I’m in. You think YOU’RE busy? Just the other day, I had to make a special trip to the pharmacy to get you guys a wedding card! I couldn’t find the right one so I just picked one at random, crossed out what was written, and wrote in my own heartfelt sentiments.”
Check it out –