Ashleigh was at it again today.  I’m sure that once you hear the details, many of you will be horrified and will seriously reconsider your misguided support for my arch-nemesis.

So, yesterday, Ashleigh mentioned that those chocolate peanut butter chip cookies she brought in were actually her second batch.  The first attempt was so soft that the cookies ended up collapsing through the grill.  Despite the disastrous results, she hadn’t tossed the tasty remnants – which led me to suggest she bring ’em in.  No sense in letting them go to waste, after all.

She brought them in this morning.  I sampled one delicious – albeit malformed – lump and found it to be as good as yesterday’s offering.  Still, it was a mighty ugly selection and so, in a desire to spare her the inevitable social embarrassment that comes from serving misshapen cookies, I suggested she set them aside and allow me to attend to their disposal.  Three hours later, we’re sitting it the writers’ room, when Ashleigh suddenly sits up and loudly announces: “Hey, Joe, aren’t you going to share those cookies I brought in?”

Under everyone’s accusatory glares, I was forced to scramble, proclaiming my innocence and insisting I would love nothing better than to share Ashleigh’s failed baking experiment with everyone.  Honest.  “You look them in the eye and say that!”Ashleigh challenged.  So I did.  And I was pretty damn convincing if I do say so myself, probably delivering my best performance since that one week portrayal of Marcellus, Officer of Denmark in my high school production of Hamlet.

Ashleigh trotted off to her office and returned seconds later with the cookie bits, setting them down on the table and causing an enormously disappointed Carl to stare down at them and wail:  “I thought you said cookies!  These aren’t cookies!”

Dear readers, you be the judge.  Exhibit A –

I mean, come on!  That isn’t a cookie.  It’s Newfoundland!

Her failed attempt to throw me under the bus on this whole cookie-gate debacle is part of an alarming pattern of behavior.  Earlier today, while we were chatting in her office, I unconsciously rubbed the serrated edge of my plastic knife against the plastic fork I was holding.  Apparently, Ashleigh found the sound a tad unsettling.  How do I know?  Because she told me.  More or less.  What she actually said was: “Make that sound again and I’ll claw your eyes out!”.  When I informed her that quote would be making the blog, she insisted I tell my readers the whole story – namely how deeply unpleasant she found the noise of a serrated plastic knife rubbing against the inner groove of a plastic fork.  How unpleasant?  Unpleasant enough to CLAW MY EYES OUT if I ever did it again!

Hey, good news!  The early reviews of my first draft are in and I’m pleased to report I haven’t been asked to pack up my office (always a good sign).  Received some great early input and look forward to sitting down to the official notes session tomorrow.

Today and tomorrow are flamethrower days, the term “flamethrower”, in this case, being code for “flamethrower”.

A few goodies from the Atlantis vault…

Ext. Future Atlantis - Stargate: Atlantis, The Last Man. Initially Paul wanted to go with an ice age look but, after giving it some thought, decided to go the opposite way - which was great because it allowed us to do the sandstorm and visuals like...

Sand-blocked Corridor - Stargate: Atlantis, The Last Man. Compare to...

The real thing.

Under the orange-red illumination (that searing sun), a crew member (left) stands ready to fire away with a sandstorm blast.

49 thoughts on “May 5, 2010: Cookie-gate! Early script feedback! And a little something from the Atlantis vault!

  1. Hey Joe.

    Thanks for the Atlantis pics. Last Man was my favorite episode. I love how the story is about what happened to everyone after Sheppard disappeared but in the end it comes down to the friendship between two people…

    By the way, any news on the movie?

    Also, you must seek revenge on Ashleigh. Ghost chili extract in something you bake… Or would that be too evil?

    Best wishes, and best of luck… 😉


  2. I have to agree with you on the “cookies”, at least by appearance. But they still could be tasty.

    And I’m with Ashleigh on the audio unpleasantness of colliding dinnerware. Although for me the far greater horror is metal forks scraped against plates — I cringe just thinking of it. (So of course my father always makes a concerted effort to torture me with this at family gatherings.) No torturing Ashleigh allowed, though — We wouldn’t want to risk you eyes. And we like Ashleigh.

    Glad to hear the early reviews of your first draft are good. After all we’ve heard of the time and creative energy put towards this script, I expect the finished product will be nothing less than spectacular. 🙂

    – KB

    P.S. Will we get video of flamethrower??? oooooh
    P.P.S. and totally unrelated — I’m working this week for the first time in almost a year. Hooray! It’s only temporary, but I have to say it feels great to actually be *earning* a paycheck instead of collecting unemployment. So, thanks Census 2010, from me and 700000 of my closest temporarily-employed friends! (Still waiting to hear back on results from interviews for more permanent work.)

  3. Hey Joe!

    I saw the recent video on MGM of the tour of Destiny with James Robbins and wanted to say I really enjoyed that video! I say thank you to James for that, and the back stage part was cool too. Let’s have more of those videos! 😀 Maybe one of the Space aliens’ space ship?

    Sean D.

  4. Congrats to sorrykb!

    Good news here. Biennial visit with orthopedist today. Back pain of last week resolved with careful self-treatment, no new problems shown on X-Ray. I can relax about air travel, hooray!

  5. I don’t get your whining. I mean if she had just CLAWED YOUR EYES OUT, okay. But she was kind and considerate enough to warn you. WTH else do you want. Put on your big boy panties and move on already. Ashleigh rules. 🙂

  6. Joe, how kind of you to offer to help Ashleigh with her garbage problems. Offering to take those globs of chocolate/peanut butter stuff off her hands is just so thoughtful of you. And then when you seranade her with the only musical instruments you have, the fork and knife, which in many cultures are musical instruments, she got all huffy with you! How ungrateful can she be? Joe, the kind, thoughtful man, helping her with the garbage and then playing music for her and she gets all mad about it. Well, she has shown her true colors in this episode. (jk)

  7. So just to clarify, you are telling Ashleigh, that if she doesn’t do/say what you want, you will tattle on her on your blog. Niiiiice!!

    Mr. Joseph Mallozzi, I think someone needs to take a good look in the mirror and do a little soul searching (if you have one) and question oneself as to why one feels the need to pick on a poor, innocent, defenseless, fine, upstanding young woman. It must be hell for her to wake up in the morning to know that she will be subjected to your pranks ALL DAY LONG. I mean she does absolutely nothing to deserve such abuse. She even brings you in baked goods for goodness sakes, in a vain attempt to try and appease you. She just wants to make you happy and for the torment to stop, dear gawd, for the torment to stop. All you do is hoard them for yourself. I know you were taught how to share as a child? So what happened? You should be ashamed, very ashamed….. You’re gonna make her have to go into therapy or something. I’m thinkin’ lawsuit and luckily you have been kind enough to document your actions towards her on the blog. So prosecution should be relatively easy.

    I think someone needs to bring Ashleigh in some of HIS own homemade baked goods, as a way of perhaps making amends (and avoid a long drawn out lawsuit)…. And they better be vegan…… Just sayin’

    Have a good one!!

    *tee hee snort*

  8. Goodness, I hardly think eye clawing is called for. Perhaps it’s a good thing Ashleigh isn’t a carnivore!

    Thanks for the vids of Flanigan torture – did they really use polenta?

    @kb: Way to go! Just hang in there – it’s gotta get better when it can’t get worse.

    😉 Julie

  9. Flamethrower?

    Just because the cookies don’t look that great doesn’t mean they don’t taste great. She did kinda throw you under the bus though. What, no pics of Carl’s sad face? Are they going to make you bake some cookies too?

    You do have to admit that Ashleigh’s presence in the office has made it a tad bit more interesting. And funny for us.

  10. Ashleigh’s the best. She bakes cookies and claws out eyes. A true renaissance woman. What a catch!

  11. A repost my friend in case tonight is mailbag night:

    1. Will it be revealed how fast Destiny travels ? many galaxies its traveled prior to the arrival of the icarus team?
    3. You guys should start naming them galaxies at the rate Destiny is travellong through


  12. Finally!

    A cute picture of Lulu (Dog Twitter). Usually her photos make her look rather…. ‘unfortunate.’

    She looks a little worried but is such a little sweetie!


  13. hmm that lump could have passed off for what my son stood in yesterday which stunk the car out…

    Naughty Ashleigh.. we gotta come up with some (non blog posted) revenge.. it’s a dish best served cold.. and with big ouchy spikes.

  14. At least the lumpy stuff still tastes good. Reminds me of when I try to make brownies and the centre never cooks through and ends up a sticky lot of mush. I’m still working on inventing something that looks yummy, but the insides are something else (even more yummy)… but I’d satisfy for something that looks ugly but tastes great. It’s still food.

  15. Thanks for The Last Man photos and videos! Love seeing the behind the scenes stuff!

  16. Joe,
    you have made my day. that was brilliant.
    thank you so much.
    if you ever have time for more 🙂 pls post.

  17. It’s a COOKIE! Bad Carl! Go Ashleigh and sorry I spelled your name wrong yesterday.

  18. You know the blueberry aliens… do you think their staple food would be something similar to blueberries? There’s gotta be some reason why they be blue and kinda see through.

  19. Sigh. The Pain of Being Ashleigh. Poor girl tries her best and get nothin’ but grief. 😉 To her credit, she didn’t actually threaten to stab your eyes out with the very knife you were making the noise with, although that would have a certain ironic “twist”, I suppose.

    Great pics from Atlantis. I miss it so. But then, “Sabotage” is on tomorrow!!

  20. dasNdanger said:

    @ Chev – When I hear ‘blueberry aliens’, all I can think of is Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, great. Now I have an Oompa Loompa song stuck in my head.

    Hahaha…nice one….quick start singing “It’s a Small World”.

    Cheers, Chev

  21. Thanks for the SGA love…..awesome pix and videos….that Joe Flanigan is something isn’t he? 🙂 I loved the way the McKay & Sheppard friendship developed.

    I hope to see a similar thing between Eli and Scott.

    Now it may be a stupid question but how did they get the sand in the corridor..some sort of blower? Was wondering how they got no footprints on it…it looks undisturbed.

    Cheers, Chev

  22. I remember the sadness when some scones I was baking for my aunt and uncle, who were visiting, didn’t rise 🙁

    At least Ashleigh’s mess tasted better than my scones.

    Cheers, Chev

  23. Congrats on the early reviews of your first draft…were you worried? Do you bake something nice to take into the notes session to put people in a good mood?

    Cheers, Chev

  24. It’s a common fact that “the uglier the cookie, the better it taste”.

    Cool pics and vd! Thanks!!!

  25. Yum. I love cookie bits! They’re even better than actual cookies because I don’t have to feel guilty for raiding the pile meant for the bake sale. Besides, don’t the calories evaporate through all the extra nooks and crannies?

  26. Thanks to your heads up on Ming Na, I actually watched the Today show yesterday. Not a bad interview. And very cool necklace. Glad to see the company/network actually promoting the show a bit.
    If you couldn’t anticipate Ashleigh’s efforts to alienate you from your fellow writers, you’re failing to live up to your potential as a evil overlord. And what is this about Ashleigh holding the initiative? Except for the utinsil thing. Nice move on your part. As the summer unfolds, I look forward to more exchanges between the two of you.
    VERY nice pics and videos from SGA. That show still holds my heart. Universe is a good show, but I’ve yet to feel the emotional investment in the characters, with the sole exception of Greer. With time I hope that the other characters will be more than interesting characters, and begin to feel more real. Not a slam at the writing or the actors, it’s just the style of the show doesn’t seem to lend itself to encourage me to make the emotional investment into the characters.
    At any rate, thanks for the daily report and looking forward to more.

  27. “I mean, come on! That isn’t a cookie. It’s Newfoundland!”

    Don’t know why, but that made me 😆 .

    Now, about your situation. Since hostilities have escalated between you and Ashleigh in recent months, I believe some intervention is necessary – intervention from your blog buddies, of course – before the two of you come to blows. Here is my contribution to that intervention – a starting point, as it were.

    I have given this much thought, combing through volumes upon volumes of psychology books and – after some consideration – I’ve come to the conclusion that you suffer from a persecution complex, influenced by a negative anima complex, with overtones of a martyr complex verging on masochism.

    That said, and since your persecution complex seems to be triggered by women, I believe we can go back to the day a girl-child was born in the Mallozzi household, and you were forced to cede your cherished Throne of Favoritism to your newborn sister. It was a dark day indeed, wasn’t it, Joe?

    That is where it all began. You’ve always felt that women are out to get you, out to ruin your cushy lifestyle, out to destroy all that you hold dear in this world, haven’t you? They meddle with your underpants, fondle your hazelnuts, and – oh god forbid! – erase your hard drive. It’s always a woman’s fault, and never yours. Throughout your life there have been the Mrs. Havershams, the Kerrys (with a Y), the Ashleighs…you cannot escape them!

    And yet…you keep coming back for more, always drawn to the fairer sex, just like a moth to the flame that will consume it. You’re one hellava masochistic bastard, arencha? Do you stick bamboo shoots under your nails and beat yourself with barbed chains, too?

    Yeah, that’s about how I have it figured, and yet… I’m still having trouble trying to figure out where Joe Flanigan fits into all of this, but I’m working on it…

    And while I do, you have a good day, sir…well, as good a day as possible considering that Ashleigh – the mistress of diabolic arts – probably has something big planned for you today… 😈


  28. Oh, and Joe…don’t think you can escape Ashleigh by staying at home. That’s exactly what she’d want you to do…

    (Adds ‘paranoia’ to list of Joe’s complexes… 😈 )


  29. Thank you so much for the behind the scenes videos of Atlantis. 😀 You made my day, I’m glad I remembered to check out your blog.

    I hope Ashleigh doesn’t give you any trouble today. I’ve known a few “Ashleighs” and they all have been trouble makers! 😉 It’s all in the name. Of course I suspect you secretly like having a worthy adversary in the office. C’mon, let’s face it, Carl’s no match for your evil genius. 😀

    Thanks again! Hope you have a great day.

  30. P.S.

    I have it on good authority that my chocolate, peanut butter, double decker fudge would top those cookies. I doubt you’d accept strange food in the mail though. Truly a shame. I think I could go into a serious business selling it, it’s that good. Unfortunately, I shared it with my friends so now I routinely get less than subtle threats like, “Bring the fudge to the party or else.” Ashleigh should be thankful she’s not found any of those types of posted notes on her desk. 😉

  31. @Debra, WELL DONE, hahaha!! Joe, like she said, Put your big boy panties on and get over it!! AHHH what a life you lead,charmed one at that!!, This blog entry made me laugh more than usual!! Had a great W/E with Deni at the con., love that lady, met up w/ kimber and Whovian aka Trish, we have the BEST group of Sci-Fi buds!! BTW, wth happened to the CANUCKS the last 2 games?? I needed large amounts of chocolate after these games!! If they are not careful, the same thing will happen, that did last year!! CO CANUCKS!!! BLACKHAWKDOWN!!! Sheryl.

  32. Newfoundland looks delicious. There is no shape a cookie could be in that would stop me from eating it.

    Now I’m craving cookies, darn it. I will have to buy one of the extra big cookies when I take my lunch to the park in a bit.

    Poor Joe Flannigan, I hope that wasn’t real sand, that dust storm looks painful. I like how some of the crew are wearing goggles and others are making do with a good hard squint.

    I feel for Ashleigh; some sounds should be outlawed and violators should be hung between two semis under threat of dismemberment, Hitcher style.

    I loathe it when people whistle; not the friendly happy go lucky whistling but that creepy horror movie “the call is coming from inside the house” whistling that weirdos do on buses and empty metro platforms.

    I like the whistle solo in Billy Joel’s “Stranger” and I’ve got no problem with all that whistling in the Sergio Leone soundtracks. But I hate it when I hear some creep whistling in the alley behind my apartment building or coming up behind me on the street.

    Whistling should be left to professionals and spaghetti westerns.

  33. @gforce: I confess I’m particularly curious to see how Sabotage turned out — it generated so much controversy last year after the leaked (early draft) sides.

  34. Seriously reconsidering misguided support for your arch-nemesis.
    *think, think, think*
    NAAAHHHH! You need her. She grounds you. Keeps you focused on what’s really important. Keeps you on your toes. Makes sure your wits are about. Keeps you humble. She’s the companion to your Doctor.

    After all, isn’t “O Lord, It’s Hard to be Humble” your theme song? 😉

    Hey, cookies are cookies. Besides, haven’t you heard that when they’re broken, all the calories leak out? If she had come up with some cute name for them you guys would never have noticed they were broken cookies. And my final argument, Hey, it’s chocolate!

  35. Hi Mr M!

    Been off the radar for a while. (Avoiding spoilers)

    Hope all good with you! Great snaps of the Last Man ep, also a favourite of mine.

    Updates on your Mother? How is she?

    Also any news on *cough cough* DVD commentaries?

    Oh, and girls here asked…Did Felix win that photo competition we all voted for, some months back?

    Many thanks!


  36. *glares* Cookies: Substance over style. And that applies to any other comestible fixed at home, by someone who doesn’t have junior-Cordon Bleu credentials, and brings it to work just because you asked for it. Which you continue to do . . .

    Also, when was the last time YOU brought a not-so-great-looking (but still tasty) kitchen creation to work? Anyone who likes to cook knows that those “presentation” failures happen to everyone from pro chefs on down. I’ve fielded my fair share of jibes about misshapen loaves of bread, cookies that didn’t hold together, etc., but revenge is sweet in the form of watching every crumb scarfed down by the guys who had to have their little joke first, and pay later by having to do overtime at the gym. (It’s almost always the guys. WHAT IS IT with you people?!? Been away from your home planet too long?) *w*

    And finally, once again you point an accusing figure at remarks made by other people, like Carl and Paul. No way I can really know, but I’ll guess that those guys aren’t as incorrigible as The Baron Himself. Ashleigh has chosen her primary target wisely. . . .

  37. Is it an intentional move on the writers’ part to never have an episode of SGU (15 so far) end happily?

  38. @Das: OMG your diagnosis of Joe’s psyche! ILALALOL – I laughed and laughed and laughed out loud! You really made my day! 😀

  39. @E
    “Is it an intentional move on the writers’ part to never have an episode of SGU (15 so far) end happily?”

    They want it to reflect their own lives 😉

  40. Joe, I know you’re a cool and groovy guy, I trust ya and all. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around the picture of Ashleigh you paint. She so innocent and sweet. C’mon she baked you cookies. Ok, so the first batch didn’t come out great, I have had that happen to me a few times, it happens to the best of us. It’s the thought that counts.

    @ Ashleigh, did Joe do that to your cookie, to make it look bad?

    Sorry but it doesn’t look like a Newfoundland, it looks like something a Newfoundland would “make”, if you know what I mean. I tossed an entire pumpkin roll this past Christmas and swore that I would NEV-UH make one again. UGH!

  41. @ My Name Is Scott – That is…

    frightening. 😆

    Thanks! Great find!


  42. How bigger was the budget for the first season of Stargate Universe compared to say, the first season of Atlantis? Getting ‘Named actors’ on board must of pushed it up a bit.

    Was Stargate Universe always going to be a emo style ‘These are the wrong people’ show since its early inception, or was that something that was implemented later?

    I miss looking forward to Stargate. I respect what Stargate Universe is and hope it is successful enough to keep the franchise alive, but its not really my kind of show. Hopefully MGM can sort out its finances and the direct to DVD movies can be made soon!

  43. OMG. RDA…singing! I had totally forgotten that he was Jeff on General Hospital around that time. He was like so dreamy then! Love the stylin’ white pants!

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