According to Telus, my internet issue has been resolved. Yep, they’ve informed me they’ve fixed the problem and that, theoretically, I should be back online and surfing away. Of course, as any student of science will tell you, theory and practice are two very different things. Take early man for instance. He theorized that he could fly like a bird if he flapped his arms and leapt off a cliff. Alas, like many budding theorists to follow, early man quickly discovered that reality can be, well, a bit of a downer.
To those of you who may have come to this story late, allow me to recap what I shall hitherto refer to as The Telus Saga.
Last week, I called up Telus, my internet provider, to make a change to my billing information. I was informed that, as a result of my request, I would be offline for up to seven hours on Tuesday. I protested. It was a change to my billing information. Surely it shouldn’t affect my internet connection. But the Telus rep informed me that this was company policy (in keeping with what I imagine is the Telus company motto: “If it doesn’t inconvenience the client, why do it at all?”). So, Tuesday, I would be offline for up to seven hours. I didn’t like it but, hey, what could I do?
Come Monday, I went to get online and discovered I was unable to make a connection. I phoned up Telus and was informed that I’d be up and running by Tuesday morning. I was annoyed – after all, they had told me the work would be done Tuesday and I’d scheduled my work day on that assumption – but, what the hell. I’d have my internet back on Tuesday morning, right?
Come Tuesday morning, I still wasn’t online. WTF? I phoned up Telus and asked them what was going on. The customer service rep was suitably outraged on my behalf. Why, this shouldn’t be! She offered me a free month of Telus for my troubles. And promised I’d be online by Wednesday morning.
Come Wednesday morning, I sat down, turned on my laptop, went to check my email – and discovered I still wasn’t online. W-T-F?!!! I called up Telus tech support who transferred me over to customer service who transferred me back to tech support who transferred me over to customer service who transferred me back to tech support who transferred me over to customer service who checked my file and informed me that they had no record of anyone promising me that the issue would be resolved either Tuesday or Wednesday. Still, they felt really bad for me and, in addition to not charging me for the days I was without service (how nice of them) they would be giving me an additional month of free service. That’s two months of free internet service! Now, on the surface, that seems like a wonderful thing but imagine, if you will, that I offer you a lifetime of free soap. You sit by your mailbox, waiting for that first soap shipment and, when it doesn’t arrive, you give me a call. I’m mortified and, in a bid to make it up to you, also offer you a lifetime supply of free toothbrushes in addition to that lifetime of free soap. Great, huh? So you sit by your mailbox, waiting for the soap and toothbrushes to arrive. Unfortunately, they never do, but a quick call to my customer service center mollifies you because, in addition to a lifetime of free soap and toothbrushes, you have now been promised a lifetime supply of free cheese! How fantastic is that? Okay, true, you may not actually receive any soap or toothbrushes or cheese, but they are FREE! See how that works?
Anyway, the customer service rep reviewed my file and informed me that the last customer service rep indicated I had changed my mind and wanted to switch my billing information back to its original state. I told her that was incorrect. I simply wanted my internet back. Well, she assured me it would be back. By Friday morning.
At this point, I may have said something that caused them enough concern to transfer me to their customer retention center where I spoke with a woman named Jaye in Calgary who seemed genuinely sympathetic to my plight. I seemed to be finally getting somewhere – when, suddenly, we were disconnected. I’d apparently been on my phone so long that the battery had died.
So, fast-forward to today – Friday morning. I turn on my laptop, check my connection and, sure enough, I’m still not online. W – T – F?!!!!!!!!!!! I call up Telus. The guy at tech support informs me that the work order went out for today and that I should be back online. Sometime today. Okay, so when they told me I’d have my internet back by Friday morning, they didn’t specify Friday morning where. I mean, I assumed they meant Friday morning Vancouver time but, in all fairness, they could well have meant Hawaiian time.
But wait! A double-check of the situation revealed that the problem HAD been addressed and that I really should be back online. Theoretically. After running through the tech 101 rigmarole – unplugging my router, plugging it back in, unplugging my modem, plugging it back in – and it became clear it wasn’t working, the tech rep did some further digging and, FINALLY, figured out what was at issue, narrowing the source of the problem down to two possibilities: either it was on my end or theirs. He assured me they would get someone on its immediately.
First thing Monday morning.
I wasn’t mad. Or annoyed. Simply…amused. Sure, go ahead. Fix the problem. Don’t fix the problem. Stand on your fucking head and play the kazoo. I don’t care. I’ve had it. I’m switching to Shaw.
Hey, head on over to SF Signal for their latest mind meld where I list my top ten favorite SF/Fantasy covers (http://www.sfsignal.com/archives/2009/11/mind-meld-the-most-memorable-sff-book-covers/). Give it look and then hop back here and offer up your list.
Hey, Michelle – Yep, consider it a Solutions exclusive. We’ll back the week of December 14th to discuss more stories.
A new episode of Stargate: Universe tonight and one of my very favorites. Check it out and report back.