So Monday they told me I’d be back online Tuesday.

On Tuesday, they assured me that my Internet would be up and running by Wednesday.

Today, Wednesday, I was told: a) they had no record of my being promised either, and b) I’d be surfing by this Friday.

Friday?! FRIDAY?!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, I’m going to go out on a limb here and declare Telus’s “Train a monkey to work tech support” program a big fail. It may have seemed like a good idea but, clearly, holding their annual job fair at the local zoo’s primate enclosure didn’t really pan out. In retrospect, I suppose I should be grateful. They could have disconnected my Internet service, given me the run-around for three days, AND thrown their feces at me. Today, I was ping-ponged between tech support and customer service so many times I actually became nauseous.

All this to say: you’re regularly scheduled blog postings will resume once Telus feels like getting around to doing whatever it is they do.

Oh, and I’d like to take a moment to respond to the poster who accused me of plagiarism because one of my emails to a spammer was exactly like one of the email responses featured on this site: Yeah, genius, they’re identical. As is every one of the emails on said site. I know because it’s my site. I put them there. Check my blogroll. Or better yet, consider attending Telus’s next job fair. Trust me when I say you’re just the type they’re looking for.

70 thoughts on “November 18: Telus Incompetence Knows No Bounds!!!

  1. That’s really bad, sorry to hear. Telus shouldn’t be treating you that way. If you’re not in a contract still with them perhaps you should move providers, though that would mean more delays to your regular postings..

    One device that probably would help you to no end should your internet die again would be a USB internet stick. You need to pay to access the internet on it but you can just plug in and go, no wires or anything.

  2. Yep and this is why I have never given a single cent to Telus. Incompetent *******.
    Thank God for Novus.

  3. Joe – I would laugh if your problem wasn’t such a pain in the ass for you! I have (we probably all have) been there, and know exactly what you’re going through. It totally sucks.

    Tell ya what – what if you post Telus’ phone number, and WE all start calling in your behalf?? πŸ˜€ It might work even better than sending lemons…


    Hang in there, buddy. Sounds like you’re not having such a hot month. πŸ˜› You need to take a bath in chocolate, or something…it always works for me! (Well, eating it – not bathing in it…)


  4. Telus must use creationists. If they had tried training chimps, they might have done a better job than the baboons they obviously used. Your frustrations are our frustrations. I hope the countdown to your trip overseas will ease the upset somewhat; can’t do the rounds of restaurants if your digestions is off. here is hoping that the Telurites will perform a cranial rectalocomy on themselves and get your service back up ahead of schedule.

  5. That’s just abhorrent, Joe! Just say when you want the hordes of upset blog-readers to show up and I’m sure we can oblige you. That’s not customer service..That’s just bullshit. Rake them over the coals if you get a chance!

  6. Oh, I remember when I had a problem with MCI waaaay back in the day. They were increasing my long distance phone charges by 10 cents a month. My bill was usually around $35 a month, and since I didn’t make many long distance calls, I just accepted a higher bill as the price for making that rare long distance call. When this happened, I had a friend who was having problems, so I would talk to her for up to 5 hours at a time. I expected a big phone bill, but not nearly as big as the ones I started to get, considering I was on a 5 or 10 cents a minute plan. I always pay on time, so it wasn’t because I was a bad customer – they were purposely screwing with me. Every time I made a marathon call, the very next month my bill would be increased by 10 cents. I finally caught their little bit of treachery when it was up to 50 cents a minute. I called them, and they started giving me the run around.

    So…I said those magic words… “I am going to report you to the FCC…”

    I was just throwing names around, but it worked. There was dead silence, then a very timid voice said, ‘let me connect you to our supervisor’. I had a bit to say to the supervisor, and they immediately said I was not responsible for the bill, made apologies, etc…

    I changed phone companies that day, and not long after that MCI WorldCom was investigated and a whole fraud scandal was uncovered. Yup – MCI was nothing but a buncha whores. Heh…come to think of it, I think I even called ’em that over the phone… πŸ˜›


  7. Hi Joe, although I feel badly for you, I’m still ROTFLMAO. Try to have a good night! xoxo

  8. Believe it or not I’m having Internet issues myself. It began today when I called customer service at Videotron to ask them the reason why I haven’t been sent my billing inovice. The tech guy says we don’t have you on file…. Bloody hell, those tit heads at videotron for some reason have my tv cable info but somehow forgot to add my Internet account so in short… I ve had free Internet for like a month and a half without their knowledge….. Being an honest man and a man of integrety I called them to let them know something was wrong and to thank me they switched it off altogether this afternoon.

    Excuse me Joe for my sudden burst of profanity and you may want to delete the following prior to the post… Thank you


  9. You should switch to Shaw for cable. They are a little less evil than Telus. I had my cellphone with Telus years ago and will never go back to their service, or lack there of.

    Also, Time was amazing! Looking forward to Life on Friday!

  10. Oh, dear. See, the problem with call centres is that the staff are given just enough training and power to be pretty much ineffectual. I should know, I used to work in one. Existing customers are not the priority, new contracts are. Most call centre staff want to do a good job, but are inadequately trained in their job, so they don’t know how to help. Also, making notes on the system takes time the team leaders don’t want you ‘wasting’ on someone who is already on contract. It’s seems to be a pretty standard flow on from capitalism – $$ mean more than people.

  11. Stargate Telus – They are the Wrong People in the Wrong Place!
    (sorry, couldn’t resist!)

  12. Aussie slang is appropriate here

    Telus – what a bunch of bloody drongos.

    Sorry to hear you’re going through this crap. I’m guessing you’ll be changing carriers quicker than Homer can down a duff.

  13. Oh, yeah, I didn’t mention yesterday that, if you get a scripted-sounding deadline for something to be done, they aren’t telling the truth. Sorry, I thought I read that between the lines in your entry.

    I operate under the assumption they aren’t even logging the complaint/issue/do-not-call instruction and just want you off the phone as quickly as possible. Even asking for a supervisor might just get the phone handed to their buddy. I ask for a supervisor and ask that supervisor to send me a snail mail letter that the issue has been logged.

    If you get far enough to get the letter mailed, you won’t need it, but having a dated letter on its way is cozy. It just gets your complaint ACTUALLY documented.

  14. Joe, really sucks about the crap Telus there. Been in similar situations with the run around. Now whenever I call somewhere for tech support or anything of the sort, I always get an agent name and or ID (if they give it to you), time and date. BTW, it’s total BS that they have no record. There is a record, they just choose to not look far enough. At the BARE MINIMUM, they have access of who opened and looked at your account. If they don’t keep those records, that’s a severe security risk there.

  15. Man your Pissed off!!!! Go get em Joe…Hey ask them to reinburse you for the time they could not provide service…Just for Shit’s and Giggles….

  16. Well Joe, you have forged some good friendships. Karen-kabra, Deni, and I talk on a regular basis and enjoy each other. We will be together on Dec. 5th for lunch, with other Fl. people. Thanks for the common thread!! We owe ya!! And yes, like Deni said ,post the phone # and we will BLAST them. I’m in the mood for a good ass whooping!! Exactly when are you going to Japan?, Thanks, Sheryl.

  17. Ouch! I’m sensing a little frustration there. So sorry. I’m sure having a root canal is more fun.

    I loved the latest episode. My husband and I enjoyed the way the episode played with time and also some of the fabulous performances. You’re right, Mr. Blue was SO good.

    This too shall pass. Rather like a gall stone.


  18. Poor Joe. I laughed until I cried, but I’m with das, Deni & Sheryl – post Telus’ phone # and we’ll ALL call & complain they are interfering with your blog postings. I’m not working and I have free long distance – Hmmm, maybe I should become a “caller to help desks/ customer service for hire”?

    Just got back from getting my mom into the laptop/internet age. Took her less than 24 hrs to screw it up after we left.
    Gotta be a record.


  19. Say Joe – how disappointed were you to hear that, yet again, you’ve been passed over for the title of “sexiest man alive”? πŸ˜‰

  20. I don’t get to live in Vancouver anymore, but when I lived there I never had any trouble with Shaw, for internet and tv.

  21. We have Comcast in my neck. Who knew that quality of product and service went down when you had the market cornered?

  22. Joe, you can certainly take a frustrating/aggravating/annoying/…. I ran out of words… situation and make a funny joke out of it. Well I hope that you’re keeping as good a humor in real life as you are on the blog.

    Here’s to hoping those Telus folks get their act together.

  23. AT&T never claims it’s their fault when the internet disconnects. I hate that company. I love it when they don’t warn us that the bill for internet is going up. It shows up in the mail as three times the amount it should be. Then you have to sit on the phone for an hour to tell them this and that you want a better deal. They always give you the better deal. Too many other internet providers out there in the U.S. Does Canada have another provider you can use? Do you have something like DishNetwork (satellite provider), because they are supposed to have terrific service? Or have you sunk too much money into the company you are with now? I hate these companies so much.

  24. Well… I see internet providers around the world are all the same incompetent (enter bad word here). And I thought, our German Telekom would be the only one xD

    Hope on friday your i-net returnes without problems

  25. Hi Joe,

    I understand that MGM is up for auction or at least they seem to be pretty desperate to find a buyer. Do you think that would affect or endanger your show? It is an MGM product, correct?

  26. I can hear your pain Joe. LOL I used to work for Dell in System Returns. I would get the calls from customers that had been run around for days, by the time they got to me they were ready to personally deliver the system and throw it through a window.LOL

    Now, don’t hate me for that….was just stating I could understand.

    Can’t wait for the problems to be resolved considering I look forward to your blog and hope you tell those people that it is their fault you have to give abbreviated musings and info.

    You poor thing, you will have some serious catching up to do when this is resolved.

  27. Hi Joe,

    First time poster from the UK. Sorry to here your having horrible problems with Telus… once upon a time I knew someone who also had telus problems.

    So far the only thing keeping me ofline were the 4 powercuts I had last night!!!!

    By the way loved Time!!!!

    The Stickler

  28. Poor you! I would be livid. I hate when my internet stops working for an hour much less multiple days.

    In better news, if you see Patrick Gilmore, tell him an SGU fan loved his brief appearance in 2012. Dean Marshall, too. It was like a Vancouver actor convention in that movie!

  29. I feel your pain Joe – I’m also having similar problems.

    To strain the metaphor a bit further I say that there is poop flinging going on here.

    Customer service flings you to tech support. Tech support flings you to customer service. They make you feel like poop and in their eyes you are poop.

  30. 2 years ago, internet got cut for 3 weeks because get this…cable got cut by ship. no net for the whole country! so the few of us that survived formed a rebel group and built our own internet ocean cable and stole the internet from some dude in Italy. yeah so 3 million egyptians were using that Italian dude’s router and he had no idea. we went through all that trouble man but then we learned of this thing called dial-up and we couldve just used that.
    anyway, we did get one month free. and now time for me to drop a course, but which one? should it be online communication or modern drama?

  31. G’day Joe

    Sorry to hear about your internet problems. However, you never fail to make me laugh, even at your misfortune. I was without the internet for two weeks once, unhappiest time of my life.

    Anniefromfremantle is correct – bloody drongos.

  32. I have began “Operation: Insult Telus” on Twitter. It’s a small effort, but I think the thought is there.

    Those on Twitter, feel free to insult Telus in your next tweets. It’ll make Joe feel better!

    And yeah, time to ditch Telus. It will just be another change in this transitional period in your life. You’re moving up a tech bracket, Joe. Enjoy it.

  33. Over here we have Alice and we waited 2 months for internet, Joe. It’s just the way it works with internet providers (and yes, they bill you anyway here also).

  34. I just want to say that I was totally feeling your pain and then I read your response to someone to claimed you were plagiarizing and I started laughing because I don’t know which is funnier that they accused you of plagiarism period or that they accused you of plagiarizing a response to spam. This could also be me having lost all sense of sanity after having just recovered from the flu and now having a toddler sick with the flu leaving me sleep deprived and numb on hours of Phineas and Ferb and Spongebob Squarepants.

    Fingers crossed that Telus gets their ass in gear by Friday πŸ˜›

  35. Vendredii !!!!!

    graaa, mais ils ont 2 mains gauche ou quoi? -_-‘ Heureusement que vous avez votre iPhone.

    Allez courage, ont vous soutiens durant ces quelques jours coupΓ©s du monde!

    Gros bisou!
    Je vous adore!

  36. @ Deni – WHOA NELLY! You hugged AND kissed Joe…




    I wonder if Lulu knows about this…



    Or Carl…



  37. Re: Plagiarism Accusation Guy: what a doofus!

    Good luck with Telus. I don’t know if Canada is anything like the US, but here we are limited to either the cable company in our area, Verizon FIOS (meh…) or dial up.

    Luckily I have Comcast, and the broadband service is all but impeccable. With the exception of when you actually need service. They give you a window of 6-8 hours in which the tech should arrive. 6-8 hours? That’s how long it takes to fly to Europe. Is that where my tech comes from?

  38. I feel your pain. I had a similar experience with Aliant a few months ago. An internet upgrade that should have taken 3-4 days took over a month. A week of that? They didn’t realize someone had changed the password to my account & couldn’t figure out why it wouldn’t connect.

  39. Poor Joe.

    Too bad for them.

    They’ll deeply regret their way of dealing with angry customers when SGU’s episode 14 (season 3) will air – remember, “Telus”, the one when drug-addict pink-dressed depressive monkeys attempt to rule Destiny and finally end on a desertic rock, growing water-lilies and hiding from wild and dangerous mice.

    *Yeah, I know, French people DO have a really weird imagination…*

    I miss the mailbag and all the rest… Hope you’ll be back soon.

  40. Hi, Joe.

    Years (and YEARS ago) I worked as a public safety dispatcher for a variety of law enforcement agencies: Sacramento County Sheriff’s Dept, Sacramento Police Dept. and Oakland Police Dept.

    This news article was just published online:

    EF Johnson Technologies, Inc.’s StarGate(TM) Dispatch Console Named Hot Product by Public Safety Communications

    Darn! If I had stayed working as a dispatcher, I could be dispatching units from a StarGate(TM) console!

    1Adam34, see the woman! [Ignore the wormhole on your way]


  41. @PoorOldEdgarDerby – I wouldn’t want “Comcast in my neck”. That’s a whole surgery everytime you change providers, Boy, would they take advantage of your hesitance to walk. Service would be horrible. Maybe if they came up with a smartcard concept?

  42. As Das stated, we have all been there! Sorry that it’s your turn. Why can’t people be competent?! Or is their program so badly written, the workers can’t keep organized? Big questions I know.

    Stay strong/sane. We are pulling for ya.


  43. It seems, being a very distant observer, the way to go is with Shaw.

    I do agree with Das give us Telus’s phone number. That’s all. We will do the rest.

  44. On my way to pick up Diving into the Wreck. I’m so excited.

    I finally finished reading Stranger in a Strange Land, UnCut Version. I recognized the middle of the book for what it was: a complete and satisfying ending to a great story well told. Once I noticed a lack of promise for a new story in the second half of the book, I could’ve stopped there, but I couldn’t very well call myself a science fiction fan unless I muscled my way through it.

    What little story existed in the last half of the book could have been summarized in a few pages.

    It was just a long, long sermon on pacifism and communal living through the eyes of people who didn’t have to worry about scarcity or vulnerability to violence. The only character arcs were people dropping away their last vestiges of non-conformity to the group – yee, haw. Monkeys fighting over snacks could preach from a stronger moral position.

    The only actual moment of pacifism toward outside forces practiced by these “moral supermen” was chosen for maximum impact towards their own purposes with no real cost to them in their minds – ooh, what martyrdom.

    Any logic holes in these people’s way of thinking in the first half of the book was just part of great storytelling when it was about finding common ground to come together and solve a pressing problem. When the logic holes were “proven” unimportant by the author’s position of luxury in being able to SHOW all the good guys were right down to the last, exhausting detail, they were SO annoying.

    Knowing the way people are, I’m sure generations have spent their criticism and praise concentrating on the controversy over promiscuity and completely ignored that there isn’t a story worth telling in describing utopia without threats that concern any of the characters. That’s a fantasy treatise, not a story.

    I wouldn’t need to vent if the messages in the last half of the book were part of good storytelling, but being preached at so pompously gets my dander up.

  45. lets sent a ha’tak fleet to destroy telus, they must pay for this insolence!

  46. Good luck on your Telus travails. We all have problems with internet companies at some point; however, as I told PG15, won’t be tweeting about it as I don’t have it, so can’t honestly say “it sucks” without having tried it. However, if you ask me about Lotus Notes. Well, don’t… my comments would be deleted for bad language! πŸ˜‰

  47. Oh Joe,

    So sorry to hear of your tech woes – they seem to have gone on forever………Annie from Freemantle summed it up beautifully!!

    Hang in there!!!

  48. @Das: Why yes, I did! Jealous? What Lulu and Carl don’t know won’t hurt them πŸ™‚

  49. Tremendously
    Upsetting Our Joe,

    Your turn, y’all. Punctuation optional.

    Totally random ramble … I got a Wii Fit Plus three weeks ago. I’ve been using it a four days a week, working up to more time each day (an hour). OMG! It’s working. The BMI and weight are inching down, my joints hurt less, my mood improves, and dang, I’m snacking less! I’d not stuck with anything else before, except when I was in the Navy and the free aerobics classes were across the street from the barracks (I was trapped on a desert isle with little else to do, true story). Here’s to seeing less of me! Yay!

  50. OK, I can’t resist…

    ROLL CALL–Past and current head-set wearers!
    Includes dispatchers, telemarketers, customer svc. reps, pollsters…

    Gilder–opinion surveys, airline reservations & ticketing, Red Cross casework. (Have sworn never to work tied to a phone again.)




    SGUFanatic–direct-sales returns

    Morjana–public-safety dispatcher

    *HONORARY status awarded for knowing how to work the system.

    Bookai’s REALLY knowledgeable; if an agent/rep opens a record, the system should record it, even if it is closed without action. One of my employers drilled: If you open a record, make some kind of note to say why.

  51. Creating checklist with notes from my experience.

    Date /time of call
    Agent name /ID (spelling counts!)
    Agent’s location (helpful if multiple callcenters, mutiple agts. same name, etc.)
    Account /record /confirmation. etc. number for your service call /reservation /repair ticket

    Ask your name and phone number, in case call disconnects
    Volunteer identifying info shown above

    Waitng for first contact: 3–5 min. max, unless it’s a life-or-death emergency. (Morjana, feel free to correct me.)

    During call: At the larger call centers, we were told to check in with the customers every 10 seconds. When I’m the caller, I’m more generous, but not beyond five minutes. You CAN ask the agent to call you back.

    If service is scheduled for 1–5 PM, I usually call if the provider is more than 30–60 min. late.

    Public service message now over.

  52. If I’m ever going to go postal, it will either be a Telco or a Parking Inspector that will be the final piece of very infuriating, inhuman straw that breaks this camel’s back.
    So yeah, feeling your pain.

    I’ve been trying to disconnect all of our business services from a company here called Telstra and switch them over to VoIP but Telstra won’t allow us to disconnect unless we sacrifice a lamb on the 4th full moon of the solstice while singing Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog in the key of C. 4 months on and I’m still fighting with them to disconnect but there’s always something else ‘wrong’ that means they can’t.

    With some of your recent bad luck perhaps now you’ll be able to help all of us out that asked for that cleansing ritual at the start of 2009? I might as well include the cleansing ritual while I’m sacrificing that lamb for Telstra.
    Just let me know.

  53. maggiemayday: The Wii is fun. I love the boxing game. Keep Wii’ing and have fun!

    Narelle: I thought Comcast sucked!

    JimFromJersey: Is there another company called Comcast because the Comcast here is extremely incompetent?! Get everything they do in writing or e-mail!


  54. Ahhh..Das…I think you me INCOMPETENCE…not incontinence…

    But true either way…


  55. Joe,

    Been there, done that with my Mum’s ISP. I don’t think Talktalk even bother with the “training” for their zoological intake. As long as they can stick to a script with absolutely no deviations, they get the job. Which is one of the reasons I treasure my ISP (Eclipse in the UK) for the excellent service, great value for money and clued up techie guys.

    A friend of mine who used to be a supervisor in a call centre once told me that you should always ask the operator to read back the notes they have made on your account to check that they have got your problem down correctly. If they haven’t made any notes, it’s totally obvious and you make them write down exactly what you want to happen. Then they can’t come back and say that they never promised anything.

    Also, even though they should have told you their name at the beginning of the call, if you haven’t been using it while talking to them (if you do, it freaks them out that you’re listening and they tend to take more care), make sure you ask before hanging up, saying that you want to be sure that you can quote what they said in case you need to talk to somebody else in the future.

    That said, working in a call centre can be a crappy job, so when I do get a person who knows what they’re doing – or at least isn’t a total idiot, I always make a point of telling them that they’ve been very helpful.


  56. Just Youtube Telus and watch the happy animal commercials. Those are the dedicated tech workers. LOL

    The latest NCIS ep starts out with an attack on an internet service company and one guard tells the other one it might be because of poor service.

    I do hope they get things lined out.

  57. @ Tammy Dixon – I had a war with Comcast a few years back (cable tv), and that’s why I now have DirecTV. In short, they dared claim that rugby was the same as soccer. Morons. πŸ™„

    @ HappyT – Nope. Meant what I typed – play on words. πŸ™‚


  58. What episode of South Park are they watching in Kino episode 19? (useless information, I know, but I would get a kick out of knowing)

  59. Just an update… They are still completely incompetent!

    I ordered a phone through their weborder system and now have two invoices!!!

  60. I don’t know how much you care anymore, they’re still a bunch of airheads(this is most likely not surprising).

    They had to send out 5 different techs to ”fix” my internet problem & the only thing that fixed it was switching to another company.

    I just got off the phone with them, it took 45 minutes trying to explain/argue how a canada post tracking number works & how to read the ascending tracking info. They still couldn’t figure it out & all the information is RIGHT THERE infront of their faces.. ARGH!!

    They also refuse to answer any questions directly without being asked multiple times, glad I’m not the only one who thinks they’re a bunch of poorly trained monkeys.

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