Every so often, someone will ask me about my blog traffic, wondering how many visitors I get on an average, a month, to date.  And, when I tell them, they’ll inevitably follow-up with the same question, always wanting to know how much money I make off this blog.  My response, “Nothing.”, tends to engender responses ranging from pity and disbelief to bug-eyed outrage at the thought of my anti-entrepreneurial venture.  Yes, in retrospect, had I charged each and every one of you a fee for the pleasure of reading entries like my edifying treatise on the inherent frustrations of mango consumption (http://josephmallozzi.com/2007/01/21/january-20-2007/), I could own a small island by now (provided every visitor shelled out $100 every time they dropped by  which, let’s face it, is more than likely).  On the other hand, I could have gone the ad route, seamlessly incorporating advertisements for acai juice and penile enhancements into my daily ramblings in which case, by now, I could have made enough to purchase my own Vespa.  Meh.  The only reason I bring it up is because there was a report on blogging on CNN today and, at one point, some “professional blogger” expressed her outrage at part-time bloggers who were undermining her potentially lucrative business opportunities.  I can just imagine her indignation if she were ever to stumble upon this blog (“How the hell am I going to make money off my mango rants when this sonovabitch is giving it away for free?!!!).

Speaking of annoying food-related posts, here’s yet another entry in my fitful yet ongoing Weird Food Purchase of the Day video installments…

WTF?!  Against my better judgment, I answered the door today when someone came a knockin’.  The someone, in this case, was a young man who happily informed me that starting next week, he would be delivering copies of the local newspaper to my front door every morning.  I told him I didn’t subscribe to any paper and had no interest in doing so.  Well, according to him, the service was absolutely free.  All he needed to know was which of the city’s two craptacular newspapers I wanted to receive: The Vancouver Sun or The Province.

“I won’t read them,”I assured him.

“But if you could just pick one,”he persisted.

I went with…neither.  Apparently, that wasn’t one of my options.  I could not choose NOT to receive a newspaper.  “I really don’t want either paper,”I stuck to my guns.

“Okay,”he tried.  “Which one would fit better in your fireplace?”

“Vancouver Sun,”I finally relented.

He asked me for my name and phone number – neither of which I was comfortable giving him despite his assurances that they weren’t for the newspaper but for him alone.  Oh, really?  Only for your personal use, you say?  Then, by all means!  I imagined being awakened by a phone call at three in the morning several months down the line, and being greeted by some unfamiliar voice: “Hey, Joe, it’s Troy your newspaper boy.  I’m downtown and way too drunk to drive.  Can you give me a lift home?”.   No, no.  I don’t think so.  Well, when it became clear that he wasn’t going to get my name and phone number, he packed away his notepad – which, I assumed, signaled his departure.  But I assumed incorrectly because no sooner had he pocketed the notepad than he produced a second notepad and casually informed me that he was gathering a nominal fee of three dollars a week that would go toward his tuition and rather than have him bug me every week wouldn’t it be easier to just have me give him a lump sum up front.

“What happened to free?”I asked.

“Oh, the newspaper IS free,”he insisted.  “This just goes toward my tuition.”

“Sooooo I’m paying for a free newspaper I don’t want and won’t read?”

“You’re not paying for the paper.”  And then, in a transparent appeal to my competitive nature (which doesn’t exist, by the way): “Your neighbors were very generous.”

“They were?”

“Yes.”

“My neighbors?”

“Yes.”

“They were very generous?”

“That’s right.”

Seriously.  He may as well have told me that they’d adopted him and were raising him as one of their own.  Let’s put it this way – many adjectives come to mind when I think of my neighbors.  “Generous” aint one of them.

In the end, I made it clear I wasn’t going to pay anything for a free paper I wasn’t going to read and, hey, I had a caponata on the stove and had to go.  He suggested he come back at a more convenient time.  I proposed Saturday.

And I’ll make sure to be out watering my front lawn when he comes by.

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RebeccaH
RebeccaH

Be sure to attach a spray bottle containing pureed meat to your water hose, and loose the dogs of Mallozzzi. They may be little, but I bet they can be fierce.

Gen
Gen

If it would be easier, you could just go ahead and send *me* the three dollars a week, and I won’t send you any troublesome newspaper at all.

Lump sum in advance works too.

No?

Eh. Figured I’d make the offer at least.

Col. Mustard
Col. Mustard

I have had a similar experience except it was magazine subscriptions instead of a newspaper. Who would have the audacity to go door to door and beg for money? Its beyond me.

ytimynona
ytimynona

Hahaha when people like that would come knocking at our house, I used to sic my mother on them. She’s got QUITE the knack for making people go away and never want to see us again. Unfortunately, she kind of worked her ‘magic’ on the family dentist as well, and now HE doesn’t want to see any more of us either. Hahahaha my family is SOOO strange! We should totally have our own reality series. ;-D

LOL @ today’s WFPotD!!!

“Is this what passes for entertainment today?”

I’ve heard dog food is actually edible. Like, you can eat it like cereal for breakfast or mashed up like meatloaf for dinner and not get sick. No, seriously!

I’m assuming that the applesauce is to alleviate the suffering induced by the jabañero (which spellcheck says is spelled wrong, but has no solutions…hmmm). Just a thought.

wonderingbrit

I f’kin hate these people, really – you have my heart felt anger in support.
These days I no longer answer my door unless I’m expecting someone or a delivery.

I was just sitting back to enjoy you eating dog food when you said “has it come to this – really?” and I said like many others (probably) “Yep” LOL
That said, isn’t dog food supposed to be made with good, fresh ingredients these days? Though, what you had there would have looked better in a bowl with milk.

dasNdanger
dasNdanger

@ Perragrin – (from yesterday’s entry) I must admit there was no ‘magic’ there for me with SGU. I liked it for the most part, but wasn’t wowed by it. However, I know things don’t always appeal to me immediately. It took me 4 years before I noticed the Wraith, even though Mr. Das watched SGA religiously and I would hear the show in the background. But I never bothered to look at the screen, or pay attention to what was being said – it was always just ‘noise’. Then one night I looked up, saw a flash of long white hair, and the rest is history! smile

Same thing happens with movies – sometimes I don’t love a film the first time I see it, then completely fall in love with it the second time around. So I’m gonna give this show a chance, though if too much emphasis is put on sexual relationships, or if there’s too much yelling and screaming, I might dump it. I would prefer if the focus is on intrigue, mystery, and misadventure, with a bit of conflict and tension, but not so much that I can’t sleep soundly afterwards. And there has to be something that gives me hope…humans rising above, and all that.

Side note – I was just talking about this today, though not in relation to SGU. But I grew up with a dad who was loud, always yelling and shouting and arguing – STILL yelling at nearly 80 – though he’s mellowed much. Because of it I really can’t tolerate large doses of fighting, yelling, screaming, shouting, and arguing – not in real life, and certainly not as ‘entertainment’. So, I guess our personal choices when it comes to what we choose to watch on tv often is influenced by our personal experiences, and isn’t always a reflection on the quality of the program itself.

das

AV eddy

Hi Joe!

Thanks for leaving the craptendous ads that choke my e-mail like big choking things that likes to choke mail off of your blog. I usually don’t object to people having ads on the sides of their blogs because I don’t look at them (Advertising Fail), but I know they are there, waiting to annoy me…like Ponytail Guy lurking behind a BLU.

Ahhh…I really thought you were going to eat the dog food. Of course, I want to believe the SGC is real too. Anyway, habenero apple sauce is not something I would enjoy. Saw a couple of chili beers at the Great American Beer Fest, but didn’t try them.

That “paper boy” was beyond creepy. Sounds like he was trying to blackmail you, like a wimpy version of the Mob.

Have a great night!

eddy

dasNdanger
dasNdanger

Joe – you’re place is soooo gonna get egged and TP’d on Devil’s/Mischief Night!

grin

Now I gotta watch the weird food thing…getting distracted by Mr. Das…

das

Michael A. Burstein

This is more of a tangent, but I have to say that I am saddened by what appears to be the eventual fate of newspapers. My dad, who was born in 1929 and died in 1990, was a newspaperman pretty much for his entire life. We grew up in NYC getting all four daily newspapers at the house, and it was instructive for me to see how they would slant the different stories. Even though pretty much all of the content is now online, we still get two papers delivered every day except Sunday, the New York Times and the Boston Globe. (As opposed to the rest of the world, we simply have no time to read a Sunday paper.)

I admit that I know nothing about either Vancouver paper, but it surprises me that you don’t get either. How do you get your local news? TV, radio, Internet? (I ask this even though in Boston, blogs like Universal Hub are often reporting stories before the actual newspapers and their websites.)

dasNdanger
dasNdanger

JOEY!!! You should’a tried the dog food! (My mom once ate a dog biscuit on a dare – so, come on! Be a man! I DARE you!!!)

twisted

RE: Hot apple sauce. Sounds delish. I have HOT honey – made locally here in Jersey, infused with hot peppers. Very yummy on pumpernickel toast…mmmmm!!! I love hot stuff – will drink Red Hot sauce straight from the bottle. Hubby thinks I’m nuts. (Well, I am…but that’s a different story… roll ) I’ma gonna keep my peepers peeled for hot apple sauce now.

das

Thornyrose
Thornyrose

Oh gods, what a fakeout with the dogfood! I confess my jaw dropped there for a moment, wondering if you’d been hit by something on the set causing brain damage. Then, given the opening comments about the blogosphere and money making, I considered the possibility you setting up a new source of revenue. Then I just burst out laughing at the absurdity. I do believe there are those out there who would pay to see you eat dog food, but short of the Apocolypse I can’t imagine you lowering your standards that much. Still, great video.
As for the “newspaper boy”, it’s a good thing he’s not a fan. Had he recognised you, I can just see the bidding online for the information. As it is, you seem to have handled him masterfully, refusing to submit to the wearing down strategy he was employing.
On a totally unrelated subject, I’ve now become the companion to a mixed breed mutt from the pound. All because I stopped to pick up a stray dog in the pouring rain. Said dog showing its gratitude by barfing on my front passenger seat, then trying to immediately clean up after herself. The dog spent the night at my place, then was consigned to the pound.
A week later I drop by, and declare to the officer in charge(why a police officer runs the shelter I’ve not figured out) that I’ll adopt her the following week if no one claims her. Following week the fifty pound lab/pit bull mix has found a new home. But the officer, sensing a sucker, just had to show me a little black and brown, tigerstriped mix breed that thinks she’s a jet. Long story short, I’ve spent the day trying to rig up an escape proof pen in the yard, and Quetesh(I haven’t decided on the final spelling) has already wormed her way into becoming a fixture in the house. All I need to do now is find one of those obstacle course competitions and start training her. That, and start doing something about that doggie breath…anyways, thanks for the laughs from the video, and I’m making an early new year’s resolution to find at least one weird food for you to try by year’s end.

sorrykb
sorrykb

How about the dog food, dipped in habanero applesauce? Spicy, crunchy, sweet, all in one!

Someone came knocking on my apartment door the other evening (8:00 PM – Who goes door-to-door at 8:00 PM?) who sounded just like your fake newspaper guy. Only he claimed he was giving away the “free” newspaper and collecting the $3 per week on behalf of his son, who was too shy to go door-to-door.

I sent him on his way, but was reminded once again… Never answer the door. (Unless it’s UPS delivering Stargate DVD box sets, of course.)

– KB

PoorOldEdgarDerby
PoorOldEdgarDerby

Oh newspapers…poor beggars.

Speaking of dog food, has anyone else ever seen this Old Yeller brand dog food? And was your first thought that if it goes bad you’ll have to take it out back and shoot it? And furthermore, did you just this very night try to use that line to hit on a girl at the store and have her just stare at you then walk away?

Tell me I’m not alone here.

cherluvya

Dear Joe,

And here you are with a blog and just a pat on the back for it. *gives Joe a pat on back* What about those that write mini-blogs in your blog (passing them off as comments). Wonder if they sell their work? hmmmm

Great stories all around. Loved the food tasting as always. The most fun is seeing you and your dimples *smiles*. Sorry, I know that is digressing, but so much more fun.

Don’t forget, life is to find the fun…

Best to you Joe,
Cheryl smile

Ponytail
Ponytail

Go! Go! Go! Go! Eat that dog food Joe! That’s a pretty good brand, so chow down! It was distracting hearing your poor dog barking in the background…”hey that’s my food!”

What happened to that expensive 10 foot iron fence you put up around your house? Did you leave the gate open again?

Bailey
Bailey

When I was a kid I got my brother (who was 4) to eat dog biscuits because I told him they were cookies.
My mom wasn’t very happy. Neither was the dog.
Although my brother didn’t seem to mind at all…

Debra
Debra

1. I think the dog food is made with human grade food so it might be better than a lot of your weird foods. smile
2. In case my grousing over stuff should make you think otherwise, I love you. Your blog is the only one I read daily and you make me smile a lot. Integrity and humor are rare qualities and you exude both. Thank you for your free blog. smile

Mary
Mary

When I was a little kid, we had a collie for a time. I sometimes ate her kibble. I have no idea why now. I read recently that dry dog food has a lot of bone meal in it and can really make you sick. But it has to be better than jabanero apple sauce! @ Perragrin @ Das – I must admit that despite my (vocal) reservations at what was coming out about SGU a while back, I really truly wanted to love it and was hoping that the things I’d heard were wrong. I still want to like it. The jury is still out, but I know I can’t manage the shaky cam and overt sex scenes and the like. Not to mention Rush being a lying, selfish, psycho. At any rate, it’s still early days. I actually came to SG1 kind of late. I saw the movie and loved it back in, what, ’94? But when SG1 first came out, it was on Showtime, and I didn’t subscribe to the cable premium channels because I didn’t watch enough tv to justify it. A couple of friends watched it and liked it, and really pushed me to watch it when it started up on Sci-Fi. I can hardly believe this now, but even then I didn’t start to watch it right away – I wasn’t really interested in SF that took place in the here and now. Finally, I was at a Star Trek club meeting and one of my friends was talking about how incredible SG1 was and how Sci-Fi was running it for four hours on Monday nights and I really should check it out. So, I thought, what the heck, I will. I don’t even remember what the first episode I saw was, but I was hooked. In an odd bit of irony, I found that it was the very fact that it was set in the here and now that made the stories and the people so compelling to me. I also started watching the new shows when they aired. I think it was the 6th season. So I taped every new show and all the reruns on Monday nights. I loved all the characters, but Sam was the coolest for me because she was the best female character EVER in SF. I liked Teal’c, but I didn’t become obsessed with him until much later (I don’t remember exactly when that happened; I guess his incredible awesomeness and hotness just snuck up on me). Anyway, it’s really funny to me that a show I wasn’t that interested in became such a big part of my life and has actually moved ahead of Star Trek for me. So, I just don’t know what’s going to happen with me and SGU. I know that I’m pretty dismayed to hear SG1 and SGA described as “bubblegum.” I thought about spending some real time writing up a counter to that, but the shows are so obviously not “bubblegum,”… Read more »

crayonbaby
crayonbaby

I really thought you were going to eat that dog food. One of my boys once at a dog treat while we were shopping at Petsmart. They had treats at the front for dogs. He snuck a few in before I caught him. Ick.

Apples are not meant to be mixed with something spicy.

I read the article on CNN or Yahoo or wherever I saw it. I thought of you. Thank goodness you don’t have ads.

Speaking of answering the door, there has been a rash of burglaries in our neighborhood. Two people come up to the door selling something, like newspapers, magazines, looking for a lost pet, etc. If you don’t answer, one of the guys sneaks around the house and tries to find a way in while the other one keeps a lookout. Some guy caught the bastards on his security camera. He didn’t answer the door fast enough. When he saw the guy breaking into his house, he called the police. That reminded me of the guy who tried that on you not too long ago.

EternalDensity
EternalDensity

For me, SGU had ‘that stargate magic’ right from the first moment grin

ytimynona
ytimynona

Haha I count three people agreeing that dog food would make an EXCELLENT WFPotD! But yanno, I don’t know that it counts as food, regardless of its edibility.

suziesbluefeather

Ha ha Joe WFPD was to funny! That was just awesome.

I’m not an apple sauce fan either.

pastrygirl
pastrygirl

Haha! Good fakeout with the dog food, Joe. I know people who make their own organic dog food, so it’s not completely out of the realm of possibility, but still! Ick! Love the spicy habaneros, but I’m with you on the applesauce – I don’t dislike fruit, but I’m not fond of mushy-textured things.

I’m reserving comment on the SGU premiere until I have a chance to watch it again – I was too distracted trying to watch and follow all the crew on twitter at the same time!
I will say I really like some of the characters, and think I will love to hate some of the characters. I did NOT like the story telling thru flashback aspect of the episode – too Faulkneresque for me. Looking forward to Air III – is it Friday yet?

Lisa

suziesbluefeather

@sorrykb “How about the dog food, dipped in habanero applesauce? Spicy, crunchy, sweet, all in one!”

My lab would so love that. He loves all things hot and spicy. I worry about him sometimes.

On a side note… My cat got to try a new wet food. I opened it and found what looked like ground raw fish in gravy. I read the ingredients and it was sardines in chicken gravy. Now I would not eat it but it was edible for animal and human consumption. Also I read an article on line about the rise of senior citizens eating cat food/dog food because of economic difficulties. I’ll have to find the article and post it.

fsmn36

LOL!! You totally freaked me out. And then I cracked up when you made it clear you weren’t going to eat dog food. EW. The sad thing is I know tons of people who have. That and baby food. Weirdos.