For a while now, I’ve been following a fairly rigorous diet and exercise regimen (cardio on even days, circuit training on odd days, five daily mini meals made up of lean proteins, fruit, veggies, and grains), all in a bid to get into the best shape possible prior to my annual Tokyo Culinary Extravaganza – during which it will no doubt take all of two weeks to undo what it has taken me months to achieve.  So why do I am I doing it?  Is it to look better?  Get healthier?  Test my resolve?  No, actually, I’m doing it because I want to make sure I fit into my suits before I board that Japan-bound flight.  I figure I’ll be good for that first week after which I can just invest in a pair of stretchy pants and spend the remainder of my stay strolling through Tokyo in loutishly touristic fashion.

Of course the secret to getting into shape isn’t simply a matter of eating right and working out.  Diversity is the key in both diet and exercise.  Especially exercise where, after the first few weeks of gains, your body grows accustomed to the routine you’ve set up.  You need to mix things up, look for alternate ways of challenging yourself.  I like to do this by checking out what seems to work well for others.  I mean, sure, there are thousands of books and sites that will tell you what works, but can you really trust them?  Did those models really get that ripped and toned following their advice?  Maybe.  And then again, maybe not.  In the end, you can take a gamble and test the advice (after all, the only thing you have to lose is time) or you can look at building your own work-out and diet plan based on the success of an individual you know, someone who isn’t a model yet has realized that ripped, toned look you want to achieve, someone you know for a fact hasn’t cheated in order to attain their remarkable physique.

Well, there are several such individuals in my life, but one is the best by far, boasting the most incredible traps, killer delts, unbelievable glutes, vertical leaping ability easily twice her height, and an overall physical conditioning that would make even the best pro athletes envious.  I refer, of course to THIS individual:


Her body fat count is low that it won’t even register.  And she makes it look so easy.

Seriously.  Check out the definition!
Seriously. Check out the definition!

So what is her secret?  To what does she owe her exceptional physique.  Well, unfortunately, I can’t ask her.  But I can study her, analyze her daily routine, and extrapolate my own diet and work-out regimen based on these findings.  Move over Crossfit.  Stand aside Body For Life.  I give you…The Lulu Plan –

Damn impressive delts.
Damn impressive delts.

1. Take your time getting out of bed in the morning.  Rest, and lots of it, is one of the most important elements of this program.

Ask yourself: Am I getting enough rest?
Ask yourself: Am I getting enough rest?

2. Start the day off with a breath of fresh air and a few simple stretching exercises.  Examples provided below.

Stretching is an important part of any exercise routine.
Stretching is an important part of any exercise routine.



3. Eat two meals a day, morning and night, but make sure they’re protein rich (beef, chicken, venison, turkey, rabbit, and salmon are great choices).  Also, ensure you keep your metabolism primed by eating as quickly as humanly possible, wolfing down portions as large as your mouth will allow.  Chewing is optional.

If you feel your diet lacks roughage, feel free to supplement it with grass and various plant life.
If you feel your diet lacks roughage, feel free to supplement it with grass and various plant life.

4. Keep well hydrated by drinking plenty of liquids throughout the day.  Stick to water, either tap, bottled, or backyard puddle.

Keep hydrated!
Keep hydrated!

5. Nap constantly.  Resting ensures proper muscle repair and leads to bigger and better gains.

Overexertion is the enemy!
Overexertion is the enemy!

6. Rather than pursuing long, sustained aerobic exercises, engage in quick but intense bursts of physical activity be it charging around the house at breakneck peed, jumping on and off the couch, chasing a ball, or playing keep-away with a colleague’s monkey.

Snatch the monkey from my paw, grasshopper.
Snatch the monkey from my paw, grasshopper.

7. Did you remember to rest?  Again, I cannot do enough to emphasize the importance of the occasional siesta.  Aim for 3-4.  An hour.

Save your energy for eating and such.
Save your energy for eating and such.

8. Maintain that devil-may-care attitude.  You’re only young once?  Who says?!  You’ll feel young if you act young, and what better way to act young than by maintaining a mischievous outlook.  Hide one of your boss’s shoes!  Gnaw on a piece of furniture!  Take a dump in the laundry room!  In short – embrace spontaneity.  Be a kid again!

Be spontaneous!
Be spontaneous!

9. Don’t keep things bottled up inside.  Express yourself.  Unhappy with somebody?  Someone taking too long serving dinner?  Well, let them know!

Colleague bugging you?  Let 'em know!
Colleague bugging you? Let 'em know!

10. Ensure yourself a comfortable and restful night’s sleep by staking a spot in the middle of the mattress, stretching out, and not moving, despite the protests of anyone you happen to be sharing the bed with.  If they take it upon themselves to move you physically, then respond in kind by snoring loudly, walking around in the middle of the night, or using their head for a pillow.

Settle in for a good night's sprawl.
Settle in for a good night's sprawl.

Anyway, let me know how it works out.  Please stick with it for at least three months, making sure to take Before and After snapshots to accompany your positive testimonials.  I may use them for the forthcoming book and dedicated website.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to birthday gal Susan the tartan turtle.


Jeff writes: “Why was the decision made to release the the priemiere episodes exclusively to the press (prior to the actual priemiere date) with a really cool looking cover where the Chevrons actually light up?

Considering that the shows producers have credited the series success to the fan base don’t you this may make some fans mad?”

Answer: Any fans who would be mad because they didn’t get press kits have no real sense of how the industry works.  It’s the equivalent of fans being angry because, unlike the producers, they don’t get to watch the various directors’ cuts.  Press kits are forwarded to various media outlets in order to engender (hopefully) positive buzz in advance of the premiere.  Yes, they’re incredibly cool.  Hats off to SyFy for producing them.

MaggieMayDay writes: “So, Joe, if you developed such a sensitivity, would it deter you from eating your favorite foods?”

Answer: I don’t know.  It would depend on the food – and the reaction.  If the food was strawberries, for instance, I could do without, but chocolate is entirely another matter.  Furthermore, if it was simply a matter of the occasional itchy, watery eyes, I could brave it.  On the other hand, if I turned lobster red from head to toe, that may give me pause.

2Cats writes: “Well, I’m off to start day 1 on my new job. Wish me luck?”

Answer: Good luck!

Ccdsah writes: “Hi Joe, someone who has seen “Air” said there are some pics in Jack’s office. Of Sara O’Neill? Seriously? Can you confirm or deny? If it’s really true I consider this just another frak you to the shippers.”

Answer: I can neither confirm nor deny.  But if it is the case, then, yes, that was the intention all along.  I know it seems like a lot of trouble to go to in order to sleight a specific section of fandom, but that’s just the type of guy our props master is (very anti-shipper!).

Ccdsah also writes: “BTW I thought (from the Trio cut scene) that Jack was supposed to retire? How come he gets promoted? Do you really think making Jack general and especially having him get a deskjob at Pentagon in season 9 was in-character for Jack?”

Answer: As you pointed out, the scene you’re referring to didn’t make the cut so there’s no point in using it as reference.  As for a desk job being out of character for Jack – that’s what everyone thought when he assumed the command position at the SGC yet he availed himself quite nicely.

Chevron7 writes: “Re: Ashleigh – I’m still none the wiser. What was gonna happen if you didn’t apologise? Was she gonna superglue your desk drawer or something?”

Answer: See, that’s just it.  I have no idea what she’s capable of.  Just look at her crazy eyes and tell me I’m not overreacting…


DasNdanger writes: “Had I known you were doing a mailbag (you really should warn us), I would have asked you about your comic book project.
I’ll ask anyway…
If and when you get a definite go on it, will you be able to share what publisher will be handling it, and what the basic scenario will be? And how soon before you know what artist will be put on it?
And if it falls through, will you try to pitch it to another publisher?
Oh. And any angsty albinos in it???!”

Answer: I’ll be able to offer up specifics with regard to story and publisher once the deal has been finalized.  We had our final pre-deal conference call on Thursday and it went very well.  We talked long-range plans, creative, and, of course, art.  Once everyone has signed on the dotted line, I have a feeling that things will happen very quickly.

Carl Binder writes: “I never said Rooter.”

Answer: Really?  I’m pretty sure I heard “rooter” from someone.  I guess I just assumed it was you because it sounded like something you’d say.

Kevin Roberts writes: “ya know, I have read and watched alot from all types of people in the filming industry and I’ve found that people in television etc, do not watch much of anything on tv and people in movies etc don’t watch movies that often. Is there any real answer to why this is or atleast seems that way?”

Answer: I guess I’d liken it to a magician not checking out the shows of fellow magicians.  Ultimately, our magician knows how the tricks are done and, quite often, that can detract from the viewing experience.  Trust me, there’s nothing more irritating than watching a t.v. show with a television writer or going to see a movie with a screenwriter as they’ll analyze and dissect every aspect of what they’re seeing.  Occasionally, however, there are certain magicians who put on one heck of a show and you can’t help but check ‘em out.  In my case, it’s Larry David, David Shore, and the gang who make The Office and 30 Rock happen.

Winst writes: “A certain music business rumor mill is saying that
the song linked to down below will somehow end up
being “attached” in some way to the SGU production.”

Answer: That’s news to me.

Elminster writes: “BTW how goes the computer problems?”

TEAL’C_PI writes: “It’s about something I spotted in your IMDb page. It says that you contributed ‘additional music’ to an episode of The Busy World of Richard Scarry; I of course know that you’re a writer-producer and not a musician, so…what exactly was it that you contributed?”

Answer: No idea what that’s in reference to.  Interestingly enough, Paul and I have yet to be credited for the lyrics to the Stargate: SG-1 theme song.  Go figure.

39 thoughts on “September 19, 2009: My New Diet and Exercise Plan! The Mailbag!

  1. Just a quickie! (Been working on the books all day, got ’em done, but now I have no brain matter left for anything else…)

    1. I *heart* Lulu! And I agree – naps are the greatest! 😀

    2. Thanks for the comic book info – looking forward to updates!

    3. Growing up, did you pick on your sister as much as you pick on Ashleigh? For some reason, I suspect you did…and probably still do.

    4. Carl mumbles.


  2. I used to be an elite martial artist, but, right now, my long-term physical conditioning goals involve avoiding heart by-pass surgery and various injuries in my old age. That’s way too abstract for me so, last night, I set a more intermediate goal.

    My goal is to do a convincing pratt fall UP a set of stairs (think reverse footage). It takes a lot of agility, strength, and reflex to pull something like that off. It’s genius in so many ways I can’t recount them all here, but all the pieces have fallen into place and I know what I have to do now.

    Take that, Keyboard Cat.

  3. So when are you going to market your diet/exercise program? I think you’re onto a real moneymaker there, whether or not the program actually works. Who could resist that face? And you have Brie to use as the children’s book example. What with the obesity rate in children nowadays, it would make a natural sequel. Absolutely loved the pics, and got a howl off of your descriptions. Though I suspect that work and coworkers would be less than thrilled at how many naps are required.. absolutely hilarious. And thanks for the mailbag too.

  4. I was wondering how old Eli is supposed to be in Universe?
    I just read a review where they referred to him as “the boy” and wanted to know if he is supposed to be a teenager? I think David Blue is late twenties, or early thirties?

  5. Hey Joe,

    Looks like Lulu is doing well. Love the commentary on the pictures – makes them even funnier the second time around (I see them on Twitter…)

    Our Bella (English Bulldog) isn’t doing very well today. Mom got her a bone from the butcher’s last night (she’s had them before with no problems), but for some reason this time she got sick. Some sort of obstruction in her gut. And she was miserable this morning – hiding in the bushes and shivering – so we took her to the vet’s. She’s now at the Emergency pet hospital downtown (apparently they’re the only ones with a doctor on-call overnight). We’re hoping to bring her home in the morning. Needles to say, she won’t be getting any more of those bones, no matter how much she likes them.
    It’s been kind of weird because we all keep expecting her to be around…

    Still no results on the MCAT (*not* a CAT scan…), but hopefully this week.

  6. Hi Joe, I think Carl is going to be pretty cranky on Monday isn’t he? My team lost in a heartbreaker of a shootout. But, they put up more points in this game than they did in any single game last year and tied the points they scored two weeks ago against a much weaker defense. Now, we get to prepare for the first of three games against Top 5 teams in the next four weeks. Hopefully, we can at least play them close.

    Have a GREAT rest of the weekend.

  7. The Lulu Plan? Ha!! Is that what she said? She’s got the wool pulled over your eyes. One word: genetics

    @ thornyrose – what a great idea! An exercise book for children with Lulu as the “instructor”, with pictures of her demonstrating. That is an awesome idea! Do it Joe! Do it!

    @ DP – falling up the stairs? Been there, done that. In high school, one winter, walking with my friends down the hallways changing classes, I had my hands in my coat pockets. I started up some stairs, tripped and fell forward. Couldn’t get my hands out of my pockets in time to help in any way, so I landed face down with an ‘umph’ sound. At least my coat cushioned the blow. Just what you want to do in high school in front of everyone – not.

  8. Some of the questions you get are just mind-numbingly stupid, and they’re usually from bitter Atlantis fans and SGU haters. Do you feel relieved that these kinds of people won’t be watching SGU? (so they say)

  9. Incredibly funny! Frequent naps: I knew there was some compelling reason for my oft-experienced longing to be a dog. Work hard, play hard, take a nap, repeat, and rinse off if you’re leaving the house to do more than chew on a FedEx box.

    Ashleigh’s eyes don’t look anywhere near as crazy as yours looked in that pic of you with your fork poised near the dessert tray, just waiting for the starting buzzer, when you went to dinner with Ivon and Brian.

  10. I can neither confirm nor deny. But if it is the case, then, yes, that was the intention all along. I know it seems like a lot of trouble to go to in order to sleight a specific section of fandom, but that’s just the type of guy our props master is (very anti-shipper!).

    Was that sarcasm? I hope so, sometimes it’s hard to tell if you’re being serious or not.

    This part of fandom has been very patient and always try to understand (or find) reasons why Sam and Jack as a couple hasn’t been confirmed yet. I, personally, am not expecting S/J ‘ship in SGU. It belongs to that other show/movie. My only hope was to see a photo of Sam or them together, just like Sam had in Atlantis. Very subtle, but enough to make me a happy camper. I guess that didn’t happen in “Air”. Okay. But Sara? Huh.

  11. Hi Joe:

    In the Sept/Oct edition of Stargate Magazine, there is a very interesting article about John Scalzi. He looks a bit like you, by the way.
    He states about his work as creative consultant, “It’s a great way to get involved with television series without being exhausted. I have friends on television series, and that is an eight in the morning until 12 at night job, every day. People think it’s glamorous to be in television. Everyone who works in television, when they are done, they want to sleep”.

    Joe, not to disagree with Mr. Scalzi, but it doesn’t seem as if you or your writing partner, or even Carl Binder work as hard as he says. What type of hours can one expect to work on a television series?


  12. Bonjour Joseph!

    Mais enfin vous êtes parfait, pas besoin de maigrir…surtout si c’est pour regrossire= aprés en se déléctant de la nourriture japonnaise. C’est pas trés bon pour la santé en plus.

    Enfin, bon moi je suis une fille, étérnellement insatisfaite de mon poid lol. Alalala je rêve d’avoir un corp aussi bien sculpté que votre chien ^^!

    Passez une bonne journée!
    Gros bisou!

  13. Hey Joe,

    Love the suggested exercise routine. It is nice to see something new and inventive. I bet it will be a big hit and garner much acclaim.

    SGU aires in less than two weeks. Where will be you celebrating the airing? Do we get a Q&A the week after the 3rd episode (with you of course). You know more.

    Anyway, I wish you great success fitting into your suits (with extra room) to make them last.

    Best to you Joe,
    Cheryl 🙂

  14. Thanks for answering my questions. Do you think you can post the other pics on Jack’s desk once “Air” airs?

  15. Im def replacing my daily power walks with The Lulu plan, it looks full proof 🙂
    And the pics made me squeal shes SO CUTE!!

  16. Hey Joe,

    I have taken many life lessons from my dogs. Napping is certainly a must! 😀 And smiling. I just don’t recommend their totally odd greeting practices. Nobody’s perfect.

    I think dogs live a pretty good life and have a great attitude. Mine don’t hold grudges… well, they don’t seem to but maybe that is why Ziggy’s been killing all my down-filled silk throw pillows? 😯 Aaaanyway… I think dogs have la joie de vivre down to a science! And, aside from Annabelle’s fatty mass, my dogs are in pretty good shape. Maybe I need to spend 10 hours lying on my back with my arms in the air… it may do me some good. 😉


    Oooh! Florida get together? Did someone say that? When? Where? I can come? Sweeeet! 😀 Let me know!

  17. Joe, Joe, Joe, I take it that your response to me about your computer problems either:

    1) disappeared indicating worsening problems.

    2) Were intentionally left out for humour.

    3) Carl’s doing after my crack about him showing up when he heard a camera click.


  18. I like Lulu’s plan…I don’t see how it wouldn’t work. It’s fool proof. We can all learn something from our pets.

  19. This was hilarious. Good luck getting a Publisher. That is a difficult thing to obtain. Even an Agent is hard. They don’t accept unsolicitored manuscripts. I am the Author of “Marilyn’s Plan” and have decided to self publish via the Internet. It works well and sell it all over the world. It is the best and most simple way to lose weight. Healthy, sustainable and I even have a Doctor to back me up. I also sell my book to Doctors, Surgeons, Nurses, Body builders, Nuns etc… You will do well if you decide to go it alone. Good luck. xxx

  20. I was going to post something, but I think I’m going to start on Lulu’s fitness regimen instead. I’ll be off for my midmorning nap now… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  21. Mmm I do believe I’ve been on the Lulu plan at least once in my life… I didn’t have any morning classes, just a stretch of them in the afternoon, so I slept through breakfast and only ate lunch and dinner, and I exercised mainly by running around for one to two hours before going to sleep…again. Some of the best times of my life, if not the healthiest. 😉 So I wholeheartedly endorse the Lulu plan!!! 😀 People should most definitely be more like dogs!

    Thanks for the mailbag… the sarcasm/humour is always appreciated.

  22. To the Florida Club-DENI, KAREN,TRISH and our as yet unidentified Crystal River person- WE are looking for you, Please let us know who you are- we are going to try for a FL. Joe’s blog people –get together!! @Trish , keep in contact with Deni as you two already have each others info. I talk to Deni and also Kabre-aka-karen. We will be in touch as soon as I get a schedule to work it out. Hopefully an Oct. weekend. JOE, want to join us? A quick weekend getaway with 5 lovely women? Be sure to bring Fondy!! Florida is nice in OCT. Anyone else live in FL? Let us know!! Sheryl

  23. You should feel so slighted for not being credited for the words of the SG-1 song – shall we start a campaign, complete with website – ?

    LOVED the Lulu diet regimen – and I can definitely see her definition – which most would be envious of…I believe I will nap on it.


  24. That was possibly the most hilarious blog post yet! I aim to start the Lulu Plan immediately….after a nap…or maybe three or four.

  25. The more I look at these pics, the more I just wanna give Lulu belly berries now! 🙂

    And ya know, Joe…

    If you posted cutesie pictures of yourself in all of Lulu’s various poses (including monkey in the mouth, and wrestling with Brie [Carl]), it may make a few of us wanna give you raspberries on your belly.

    Which could be a good thing, or a very, VERY creepy thing. You decide. 😀


  26. I really like regimen #8 & pic (big smiles) – leaves the door open for all sorts of mischievous mayhem. How many calories do you lose after a three hour nap in the middle of the day?

  27. Although I avoid SGU reviews and spoilers like fire, I understand that the feedback has been very positive. Impressive.

    Bring on October. 😀

  28. Hey Joe,

    I kinda do have a routine I love… I just haven’t been able to use it since I had hurt my stupid shoulder and then had surgery on my wrist. It’s a tried and true method developed like a hundred years ago… PILATES!!! Most guys really don’t want to get into pilates, though. I LOVE pilates! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! I just wanted to add that.

    @Sheryl: Okay! My life is totally insane when soccer starts but hopefully, with only one daughter playing this year, it should be easier to go out on the weekends.

    Sweet! Operation: Joe’s Blog Florida Girls’ Night Out is coming together! LOL!

    @Susan the Tartan Turtle: It’s your birthday?! Happy Birthday! Eat a piece of cake just for me! Or pie… some people prefer pie. 😀

  29. @Trish: yeah, Sheryl suggested the Florida thing, so call me and we’ll plan an October lunch or weekend! Should be fun 🙂 So, yeah, you’d better show up! Call me when you have some time.

    Hi Joe, so, are you coming to the Florida Division of the Joe Mallozzi Fan Club Meeting? Otherwise, I’m seriously doing my best to follow the Lulu plan this afternoon, but everybody keeps bugging me for something.

  30. Thanks for the answer … may you experience food allergies. Although to be accurate, I have sever joint pain after hours eating nightshades, like each joint had been thwacked with a hammer, rather than sniffles or rashes. Yech.

    I’d post more, but I’m starting the LuLu plan nap.

  31. I think I can, I think I can..I… I think I might already be doing some of the LuLu plan,whew, maybe I can get the rest of it going( won’t share which parts yet). Did she pose for the pictures., you have some of the shots for her video layout now. cha-ching,dvd sales..autograph(paw) signings, wow, good thing shes got so much energy(after frequent naps).
    ..@das, another Inspector Lewis tonight, goody, heading for the tv now.

  32. :::poke::: :::poke::: :::poke:::

    Hey Joe… would you kindly post your blog tonight before my bedtime? Then I can actually read it and get a headstart on tomorrow.

    Cuz… everything revolves around my time schedule. 😉

  33. @ Airelle – *sigh* I just finished watching! I think I might *heart* Hathaway even more than Lulu! Sorry, Joe…but Hathaway is male…and human…though the latter never stopped me before… 😉

    God. That just made me sound like a furry.



  34. JOEY!! You’re keeping Trish up! (Sheesh…no consideration at all. 🙄 )


  35. While I find your Fit for Life inspiration from your handsome dog intriguing, I feel I must mention that it may cause you to age 7 years for every actual year. Best to keep that in mind. 🙂 -Jennifer

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